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triggers
triggers here, there, every damn where. family. friends. social media. swirling all around me. &junking up the inside of my head. working towards living your best life is *not* about figuring out how to avoid the triggers. it is about learning how to navigate the triggers &use //opposite actions// when they are (because they will be) thrown our way.
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stop the blah ways
leaving my parents home is always hard on me. not because of leaving them. (no, we talk every day). but instead, because being home (childhood home) feels like permission to live the life I ultimately want to live. being surrounded my people who love me somehow gives me the *okay*, the *go ahead* to join in. &in going back to my apartment for one, I so easily slip right back into my blah ways. my ways in which every day is just another ordinary day, *& in my head* not worthy of treating myself or living to the fullest. Â
so on my last day home with my family I’m trying to figure out how to keep going. how to keep living the life I want even when my loved ones aren’t around to give me the “permission” to do so. Â
trivial restriction
back in december i received six candles as a present. the sweet wintery scents are my absolute favs, in case you were dying to know (anyone? anyone? haha). so after ooh’ing, ahh’ing &yum’ing over all the candles, i thought to myself “six, perfect! i can burn one a month &then they will last me until my birthday in june.” //cue the note to self… one candle/month, no more, no faster. got it. done// so today when the fire went out on my fifth candle, I instantly was filled with dread. dread because according to my rule, i can’t burn my last candle until may first. wait... what the heck? one candle per month? *such a trivial restrictive rule* i deserve nice things. i deserve a life free of restriction. just because I have a restrictive thought does not mean i need to act on it. so I pulled that caramel drizzle candle off the shelf &lit her up *in celebration of opposite actions & *in celebration of breaking my restrictive cycle.Â
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coping with change
crazy how quickly we (&by we I mean me) fall into bad old habits.  just caving into one habit, one day makes it seem like a ritual - like i then have to do it the next day &the next.  me personally, i have a habit of using restriction&rigidity as coping mechanisms for chaos&change. when things around me feel out of control, i fall back into the habit of over controlling the things i can.Â
so I am saying it here to hold myself accountable... with all this extra alone time w/ myself I am committing to breaking the cycle.  just because i have a thought does not mean I have to act on it.  just because i have a thought does not make it truth.  these negative thoughts will pass, but my restrictive ways won’t pass once quarantine is over if i do not break the cycle.  &practice opposite actions.Â
//break the damn cycle//
living fully in times of restriction
confession. i have a history of using restriction&rigidity as an *unhealthy* coping mechanism; an unhealthy way to deal with my stress. &this was even in times of abundance&freedom. so now that we’re in a time of actual isolation&restriction, I’m fighting the urge to settle back into my old habits; habits i have fought so hard to throw in the trash. Â
so how do i continue to live a full, healthy //my version of healthy// life in times of isolation&restriction? Â how do i stop myself from using social distancing &quarantine as an excuse to over control again?
i wish i had a ~a, b, c, easy as 1, 2, 3~  solution. but right now, all i’ve got is to //cut the crap. opposite actions. break the cycle// this time of isolation&restriction is *temporary*, but my unhealthy, restrictive, blah ways will *not* be if I do not cut the crap. opposite actions. break the cycle. over&over again. i must continue to make the effort to break the cycle every single day.  I am still beautiful, capable &worthy of a full&healthy life regardless of the status of the world around me.
