1 day after my 3rd birthday my mom took her own life after a severe illness. i spend the next 7 years in a unwelcoming household. including my aunt,nieces and cousin. simply put,my sister and me didn't count for anything,and where seen as a burden. my dad finally had the good sense to leave that place behind and we moved in with my grandmother.
that period lasting for another 7/8 years and was a mixed bag for the first half. she was rather unstable at times which caused a lot of friction and fights between dad and her.
my school life was a mixture of being bullied,lonesome,and finding some friendship,which didn't end well. by the end of it i burnt all bridges due to my own fault.
when i got to high school,the first 2 years where perhaps the lonliest i ever felt.i was very unhappy,stressed and even scared of the teachers and other students. it was clear to them i was the "weird kid" and they let me know.
some positive changes happened around my 4th year though,i found some friends,and felt safer around them. not to mention i found love for the first time. that period only lasted a couple of months (end 2012/mid2013) but because of me not being used to that kind of love i still cary it with me to this day.
however that feeling of being something and someone made me act in ways that ended up destroying my relationship.a justified concequence for my behavior for which i take full responsibilty.
even 13 years later i still feel the effects of that heartbreak.i feel anger towards myself,disappointment at how it all turned out.not a day goes by where i don't feel regret.
in september 2013 my grandmother took her own life from depression and mental illness. for some reason my dad wasn't all that sad about it,since the relationship between them was toxic and unhealthy. both of those events took the wind out of my soul and i began shutting myself off from the outside. school was becoming harder to bear because i lost my external support and reason to keep going (girlfriend) and felt like i was wasting my time there.
so it was in april of 2014 where i got a texed from my sister telling me that,that day was gonna be my last schoolday and i felt a ruch of relieve,yet uncertainty. i didn't know what i was gonna do afterwards so that was a jump into the unknown.
turns out my dad didn't want me to work most likely because he knew about my autism but never told me about it.
I think he was ashamed of that fact,which also resulted in him sheltering me most of my youth. it caused me some problems,i never realy learned the things a 18 year old should know. never got to drive,work,do chores etc. i feel embarased about that. makes me feel behind everyone else. november 25th 2016 is the day my dad took his life (yes suicide runs in the family) and thus i was forced to live with my sister and her now ex(thankfully). a decision that had terrible results for me.
her ex was a very difficult and unkind man,he just like my aunt didn't hide the fact that i was unwelcome. he could'nt way for me to get into some kind of housing facilty. i was afraid of him every day for the first 2 years of me living there. stress,tears and anger followed me every day.
it was after 5 years that he decided to cheat on my sister which resulted in her and me moving away which in a twist of fate made our lifes better. altough it almost ended my life aswell.
summer 2023 i almost died from depression,anxiety and stress.
my mental health took a nose dive and for the next 2 months i was in hell. i only wanted to die,terrified to what might happen in the future.
if i didn't decide to get hospitalised,i don't think i would be alive anymore.i even had a fully developed plan on how to end it.
my recovery was a slow but succesfull progress and made me realise that i can improve on who and what i am. i even took up volunteer work for a while at a nursing home to help myself make something of my life. didn't last long but hey atleast i tried.
it's 1 of the only things i'm proud of tbh.
and now here i am in 2026,still alive,still learning,still hoping for a better future.
i don't know how it will turn out,i had my ups and downs since,and met someone i love more then anything i ever had.
all i do know is that i have and keep hope that just maybe,i will finally belong somewhere.
