#oofangs

I don’t particularly know why, but I have recently been thinking and realize I still have some this weird feeling for my ex whom I broke up with 3 years ago. That’s such a long time and I should totally be over it by now I know but I can’t seem to shake the feeling. 

I have realized it only mainly crops up on my worst days, my worst moments when I feel upset or angry or lonely or I see my friend with her boyfriend and yesterday I asked said ex if he wanted to meet up, just casually and he said yes. Now, after sleeping on it I feel utterly shit and have called off any kind of meeting up with him for the whole summer because I just feel so bad about the situation and it’s just not me. I don’t want him back, it just constantly crops up in my mind of ‘what it’ any moment in the day. I broke up with him for a reason and I want to stick to that reason but I haven’t been romantically involved with anyone since. It sucks.

I’m just so scared that if I do finally move on, if someone shows interest in me that I won’t be fully into the relationship because I’m too caught up thinking about this ex. It’s not fair on him either, he hasn’t encouraged any of these feelings so I don’t want to talk to him about it, that for sure won’t help because even if he likes me back, I don’t want a relationship with him and he’s a pretty nice guy; I’m jut messed up in the head. 

I can’t watch movies, or listen to music which has any kind of romantic connotation because it just reminds me of him and me..I don’t want it to. I hate relationships and love and I don’t want to, I genuinely want to find someone but I’m afraid I can’t

I don’t want to think about him anymore, I want to move on and even by writing this post my heart is beating 100 times more than it should...