#only good things

it only dawned on me now that the moment i was looking forward to since like november is also the anniversary of a shit awful very bad event, and i'm not any less looking forward to it, and I feel like the bad stuff won't taint my excitement. i am really proud of myself for that, it really means a lot to me

i also feel better than i did last week and the week before when i thought i was back to quite bad depression. it is because deadlines have been met with sufficient success and the workload is lessening (very slightly. i will still have a couple of things to do during the break), and also because of such wonderful interactions with some people. listening to good people yap about their passions and seeing their face light up remains one of the most wonderful things about this life in this universe forever <3

i know this won't last, and maybe the end is much nearer than i would like it to be. maybe I will wake up feeling like shit tomorrow. but it does give me hope that there are pockets of time where everything goes more than alright and that some days are exciting to live even when i don't know it yet. i know there will always be one day, just at least one day, when the inconveniences will be meaningless and when the sun will shine bright and warm in my heart, and will shine on the people by my side as well. today i was a real human being connected to other human beings for real and I enjoyed it. i'm looking forward to this feeling settling more in my life. maybe I don't need to conceal myself that much. being a real human being connected to others felt wonderful.

if you read this far, thank you from the bottom of my heart for caring so much. this will come back to you in time. sometimes I feel awful about myself when i see other people doing okay. that happens mostly when i'm in a particularly bad place myself but if it's happening to you right now, I promise things are looking bright at the end of the tunnel. keep going. we will meet again.

i always love seeing the people i love being happy and proud, especially when it's selfish and egotistical. to me it means that the joy is so great that it goes beyond the polite and that's how i know it's real and great. being told off for the way it is would not deter it because of how much it is. much is a good thing go be. i hope a joy so great it's worth being a little cunt about comes your way soon.