#onandon

Everything That Mattered in Her Hands.

my sadness comes and goes as it pleases without any warnings. i could be having such merry when it suddenly hits me in the face and i remember every single thing that makes me unlovable! a milisecond look at my smiling reflection is all it takes to get me curling up into myself and fighting back tears at the reminder of my ugliness in and out

that said, these past few days weren't necessarily bad. if anything, they were quite joyous compared to the rest of the year (as you'll come to see later on as i do plan to, at the very least, post a few of the pictures on the days i haven't posted!).

my biggest enemy for this blog (and every attempt i have made to journal or document myself in any sort of way, ever) is my constant need to look fuckable. i made this blog as an easier alternative to journalling irl and scrapbooking but i end up spending the same amount of time cutting out pictures & picking out stickers as i do scrolling through my camera roll & editing images. i want to look good no matter what but it's so exhausting to look good and i end up not wanting to be seen at all!!!!!!!!

to make it worse, the more i delay, the more days pile up and looking at the stack overwhelms me and i no longer want to post anymore because it just ughhhh seems so tiring!!!!

that was my biggest trouble with physical journaling... no, not wanting to look fuckable on ink but more so the delaying of writing down my thoughts. i made attempts to write every night before bed but by then, the only thoughts i really have is how eager i am to jump in bed and read yaoi. the random quips and wisdom i've had throughout the day are no longer in mind and i never get to immortalize them. it is one of my hopes that this tumblr account will fix that but there doesn't seem to be much difference... i'll try to type them out more. even if it's something as banal as 'i think people should wash their hands after going to the restroom'