@oleandew :Ā ā can i ask⦠what happened? ā Ā ( cass & ana !! )
SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT / for the first time since it happened she wants to talk about it / the same way she wanted to talk about the - other - it when Nina asked, careful, can you tell me where you got that bruise?Ā EVER SINCE SHE WAS LITTLE, HOLDING IN PAIN, but it wasnāt suffocating before, it was okay before.Ā Because someone else was holding it, too.Ā Itās so hard, to be the only one carrying a secret.
She curls smaller into herself where she sits beside him / on his couch, snuggled up, a too - late movie night (Ā no horror movies, they make her cry, he doesnāt pushĀ ) that gives way to quiet promises and quieter confessions.Ā Her lips part, then close.Ā They part again.
She doesnāt know if heās asking about the scars, or the angry, faded - yellow bruise against her jawline.
āMy ā parents have always b - been āā my dadās always been bad,ā she says, voice soft, small.Ā Ā āBut it was okay,Ā ācause my friends āāā they saved me.Ā From him, and myself, and I was ā with them, and safe, and āāāāĀ And and and.Ā And.Ā Ā āAnd then they all died.ā
Cass inhales in a way she can tell heās trying to keep natural, even though she canāt look at him, staring over the blanket on her knees.Ā He shifts a little closer.Ā She lets him.
āA ā a monster killed them,ā she says softly, voice fracturing.Ā She feels tears press at her cheeks.Ā She cries a lot now.Ā āAnd I āā I survived, but I had to go back to my dad, and itās so ā itās so uselessĀ that I survived, because I canāt āāā do anything.āĀ She canāt breathe or be in the dark or take a job or smell meat.Ā She canāt hold guns or be far from one.Ā Sheās so scared, all the time, every second.Ā Ā āAnd itās just ā how come I got to live, and nobody else did, and āā and Iām not more special than they are.ā
Her face lowers and she hides her eyes behind her knees when the tears start.Ā Itās so stupidĀ that sheās alive despite the odds, that sheās alive and not Nina or Adrian or any of the others, who all deserved it at least as much as she did.Ā Itās so stupid that sheās alive and all the people that made being alive bearable are dead.
Cass moves closer, their sides touching, sharing warmth beneath the blanket.Ā She doesnāt look up as her pale, scarred, trembling hand gropes along the couch until it finds his, curling into it.Ā He squeezes, holds tight enough to help the shaking.
Itās so stupidĀ that sheās alive, but āā but thereās still one person left that makes being alive bearable.Ā Anastasia squeezes his hand back.
It feels good.Ā For somebody else to know.