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Here is my fic for Durinās Day!Ā It was inspired by the amazing @ofahattersmind, who was 100% more patient than I deserve with my writing issues this month.Ā
See the lovely art here!
Happy Durinās Day ah....delayed!
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Fili is five the first time it happens.Ā
It begins with a sense of warmth and contentment that almost makes sense - heās by the fire with his parents, and happy enough - but the warmth is stifling and the contentment brief.Ā But what follows - a sense of searing brightness, fear, indignation, is so clearly foreign that he bursts into tears, burying his face in his fatherās chest and shaking with the power of it.Ā Ā
He tries to explain, but heās only a child, five years old and precocious but with no point of reference for whatās just happened to him.Ā It passes in minutes, and his sobs give way to little gasps for breaths and the occasional hiccup as his father rubs his back and kisses his hair and worries over him.
His mother has her suspicions, but keeps them to herself.
Keep reading or Read on Ao3!
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For Kili, there is no āfirst time.āĀ From the day heās born, he seems oddly mercurial, his mood shifting suddenly from time to time.Ā Heās a cheerful, loving child, outgoing and friendly nearly to a fault (āWe donāt talk to strangers,ā he recites after his mother, but once someone says hello, theyāre not a stranger anymore!).Ā But there are times when he goes quiet and thoughtful, watching the world instead of forcing himself on it.Ā He likes those times, he says.Ā He feels peaceful.Ā Like heās not alone.Ā Ā
āThatās our Kili,ā his mother says fondly, watching him go from spinning in hyperactive circles to curling up happily on the couch, watching the crackling fire.Ā
----
Kili hears words first.Ā Perhaps it should frighten him, but it doesnāt.Ā It feels like his quiet times, and the voice in his head isnāt saying anything scary.Ā Itās a little boy voice, like his, and itās studiously practicing multiplication tables.Ā Kiliās years from learning them, though when the day comes heāll already know them and wonāt quite be able to explain how.Ā
In the stories about soul bonds, the first communication is usually dramatic and meaningful, the beginning of something otherworldly.
For Kili, it makes his nines tables a sinch five years later.
----
Filiās parents die when heās twelve.Ā His uncle takes him in, serious Thorin with his Durin-blue eyes and limited understanding of how children work.Ā He is the one who tells Fili about soulbonds, how rare they are, how their minds meet across the entire world.Ā He suspects Fili has one.
āAnd if you do,ā he says, as gently as he knows how, ātheyāll be feeling all the pain youāre feeling, and might be very scared by it.ā
Maybe itās a dirty trick, using a boyās empathy for others to dry his tears and toughen up, but it appears to work.Ā Fili stops crying so much, starts getting out of bed and living life.
But what Kili feels, far away, isnāt the facade but the real thing.
His parents worry and fuss and arrange for therapy as he cries himself to sleep, night after night.
-----
Fili is rather secretive by nature.Ā He doesnāt want to bother anyone into worrying about him, and by the time heās fourteen, he certainly knows theyād worry if they knew he talks to himself in his head all the time. The fact that the voice is different from his own only makes it more disturbing.Ā Ā
I hate living with Thorin heāll sulk, because Thorin is trying but he isnāt Filiās parents. And his own mind answers Yeah he seems like a and a stuttering pause before dick that makes Fili laugh.Ā Ā
And then heāll find himself defending Thorin, who isnāt so bad, and the voice makes up a silly song about Thorinās tendency to talk like itās 1854 until Fili is sprawled in bed grinning to himself over how clever the voice in his head is, and why canāt he be that clever in real life?
----
Kili is an open book, and he forgets not to just talk back to the voice in his head.Ā Itās cute when heās a little boy with his invisible friend, but the older he gets the more concerned the adults in his life get.Ā Ā
He doesnāt know about the quiet meetings among counselors, teachers, and his parents.Ā He doesnāt really understand the new doctor who tries to convince him the voice isnāt real.Ā Ā
He doesnāt like the summer he has to leave home and go stay in a hospital for two weeks during his vacation.Ā Heās furious, and lonely, and everyone is telling him to lie about the friend in his mind, but heās not a good liar by nature.
Iāll know the truth his brain-friend says.Ā Weāll know.Ā Just tell them you donāt and then tell me you do.Ā Itāll make them happy.
Kili is reluctant, but he does as heās told.
He still slips up sometimes,and he sees the worry in his parentsā eyes and laughs it off.Ā Heās a class clown, right?Ā He can get rid of these things.
Only his friend knows he hates it, hates the lies, curls up in his covers and sniffles some nights, feeling like a bad person.Ā Ā
For a while, his friend promises to go away, and leave him alone. But that is so much worse, because itās quiet in his head and heās all alone and. āIs this what people want me feel?ā he asks the dark, arms wrapped around a well-worn blush manatee heās too old for as well (keeps it under the bed so his parents wonāt take it away, as his friend suggested).Ā āItās awful.ā
And he tells his friend just how awful it is, until he comes back.
---
Itās sensible enough to name his inner voice Kili, Fili figures.Ā As good as anything else.Ā It is just an aspect of himself.Ā A..creative one.Ā Who tells stories about a life different from him.Ā Who lives out some of Filiās fears (is he not quite sane?? Is his inner voice too much??Ā Donāt writers and such have this??Ā Itās fine, itās fine).Ā Who is warm and funny and optimistic in a way Fili isnāt, but wants to be.Ā Ā
Just a way of thinking things through.Ā Itās fine if he gives it a name.
He hopes.
----
His friendās name is Fili, and Kili loves how they match. Itās like destiny in his favorite tv show!Ā Theyāre meant to be the best of friends!Ā The show is all about a legend about soulmates being bound from birth, and talking to each other, and finding each other and--
---
Fili visits the library, and researches, and wonders.
---
It happens on a lovely fall day in Filiās home town. Fili is working on his post graduate degree in business administration - not the most interesting, but itāll help out his uncleās business, and thatās a guaranteed job that will pay enough that he can hone his own hobbies and interests on his off time. Heās still sensible, but that doesnāt mean he canāt turn some of that practicality to funding his personal interest in writing and travel.Ā
Heās also working at the businessās central office, actual pay instead of an internship, so heās stayed close to home.Ā Heās saving money for a trip down south, for warm weather and sprawling beaches that remind him of stories heās heard.Ā Or.Ā Made up.Ā Via Kili.
Fili tosses hair back over his shoulder, adjusts his coat, and walks into his favorite park.Ā The trees here were selected to look as colorful as possible in autumn, and he loves it.Ā Best time of year, hands down.
-----
Unlike Fili, Kili traveled for university.Ā Heās on the archery and lacrosse teams, with actual scholarships, and heās studying English, which is mostly so he can go on into a proper specialty in myths and folktales.Ā He secretly believes he is a folk tale, despite the counseling and medications to convince him otherwise.Ā He loves the city, filled with carefully maintained parks and currently a chaos of fall colors.Ā Itās too hot back home for anything like this-
He sees someone out of the corner of his eye, and turns his head with practiced nonchalance for a better look.Ā Kili is a man who appreciates the human form.Ā Oh ho, he thinks, heās hot.
And he is, all long golden hair and neat beard and fur lined leather jacket.Ā Heās shorter than Kili, but more solid.Ā He looks delicious, in the best way.
Stop creeping people out, says Fili in his head, and Kili laughs.
The man stops, frowning a little.āOdd,ā he says aloud in a soft tenor voice that makes Kiliās heart thump.
He gives his head a little shake before looking around.Ā Blue eyes- so blue Kili can make them out from a fair distance - flicker in Kiliās direction.Ā He doesnāt seem to have a bit of Kiliās secret shyness.Ā He smiles, slow and inviting.
Never mind, Iāve found a pretty one, too, Fili says in Kiliās mind.
Kili nearly chokes on his own spit.Ā Ā
The blond man turns and walks closer, more than a hint of swagger in his steps.Ā
āHey,ā he says smoothly.
-----
Kili feels his jaw drop.Ā His heart is racing.Ā He can hear it in his ears.Ā He bungee jumped once, Fili refusing to have anything to do with it.Ā It felt like this, like ziplines and roller coasters that flip you upside down.
He clicks his jaw shut.Ā Ā
āAh...hey,ā he says back, intelligently.
---
Fili feels a flash of concern, and steps closer.Ā āYou okay?āĀ He puts his hands up.Ā āPromise Iām not a serial killer after tourists.Ā Iām honestly just flirting.ā
---
āIām not a tourist!āĀ Itās not what Kili means to say, because he knows, in his bones, who this guy is.Ā He wonders why he never really thought about what Fili must look like.Ā Heād have thought taller, but everything elseā¦
Yum.
āIāve been here a year!ā
----
āOh, pardon.āĀ Fili grins and bows like an old-fashioned gentleman.Ā āPractically a local, then.Ā Does that mean youāre familiar with the Ri Family Teashop?ā
Fili is forward, but not usually this forward.Ā But somehow, he wants to know this person.
Or already knows him.
Something.
----
Kili starts to grin.Ā āAre you asking me to tea?ā he asks, because oh, good, Fili knows him too.
āHmm.Ā I donāt know.Ā My mother said never to have tea with strangers.āĀ Fili holds a hand.Ā āFili Durin, local peacekeeper and not an axe murderer, and you are?ā
----
The cutie is staring at him, and the stare is starting to look singularly unimpressed.Ā āYou know who I am, Fili.ā
āAh, afraid not,ā Fili answers, but thereās a tug in his belly like heās lying to his uncle Thorin about why he was out so late as a teenager.Ā āBut I very much hope to.ā
The definitely a nine sighs and puts his hands on his hips.Ā āI honestly thought you were smarter than this.Ā But you canāt be completely perfect, I guess.āĀ But heās smiling, fit to battle the sun, and Fili canāt even work up a sense fo indignation.Ā āItās me, Fili.Ā Itās Kili.ā
-----
Fili will deny it until they are old and grey, and Kili will just keep telling the truth anyway.
Filiās eyes roll back in his head, and he stumbles, and Kili grabs Fili in his strong arms like the hero he is.Ā Itās not fair to say Fili passes out, maybe fades a bit would be more accurate.
Either way, he regrets it forever because it makes him the damsel who wakens (blinks and sees better, because he wasnāt unconscious or anything that dramatic, correct?) in the arms of a stranger who is no stranger at all.Ā And dammit, Kili even kisses him awake.
(Itās soft and chaste and sweet and Kili, a press of lips just like his voice, beloved and real and everything Fili ever wanted to be real.)
āHi,ā Kili says again, grinning down at him.Ā āWelcome back.ā
Fili will argue later that he didnāt go anywhere and he would have been fine and etc. etc, but for now, he reaches up from his awkward arching slouch in Kiliās arms and brushes hair from those playful hazel eyes, and tugs him down for their second kiss.
----
Nice!, they think, and the kiss turns into laughter.
I know what you mean. I feel the same way about artwork. I try to be optimistic thinking maybe theyāve added it to their queue or their drafts, but youāre right. Itās hard to keep that desire to make more when itās not being shared.
Yeah, exactly. I do wonder if itās a trend in how people are using tumblr - liking rather than reblogging. Iāve talked before about how, as a content creator, what youāre after is as wide an audience as possible, and that only happens when people reblog. Itās just...definitely getting worse and worse. I compare a year or two ago to now, and itās just utterly disheartening.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
ā Live Streamingā Interactive Chatā Private Showsā HD Qualityā Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Don't normally post about myself, but guys I'm so excited about this change. 38 lbs down & 6 inches lost off the waist since September, and still gradually losing. Next goal is 19 more lbs, but I feel so good already and finally fit into my old clothes again. What a relief!
Best part about having more energy is being able to work on art more often. I've completed more commissions this past year than in the last 2 years combined! I'm even thinking about finishing my art degree. Crazy, right?