"When I woke up and the dark wasn't gone yet, and the dark seemed so big, then she sang soft and made the dark small again.
That is the best of all things we can do for one another: Make the dark small."
I need the dark to be small, I need softness and safety, to live not just survive. I need to be able to fall apart and know it's okay to, know that I won't be discarded. Know that nothing worse will be allowed to happen to or touch me, know I'm loved. And I need to not feel like I am bracing for harm and betrayal at every moment, to not wonder what's going to be asked of me with that kindness as leverage next. I need to be able to breathe, to figure out how to relax, I just need home. A house is just a house, places don't make homes to me, I've had housing taken away from me or weaponized against me too many times.
I just need it all to get better or just end. If this is all there is for me, I just want it to be done and over with quickly. I'm tired of false hope and chasing the carrot at the end of the stick. And I want to reach the end cuddled up in the arms of someone soft and sweet, I don't want to be alone. I can't be.