#ocd community

Im so fucking tired of OCD being painted as "the cleaning disorder" and "everything must be so neat and tidy disorder" its not. its can be like that, sometimes. but just as often as OCD can cause (severely mentally and socially taxing) attention to being clean, often times it actually the opposite. and in my case, its severely the opposite. im sharing pictures because i don't know how to better explain to people that i can not walk on the floor of my room. i walk on top of old clothes and books and trash. I hope you realize this is an incredibly vulnerable thing for me to do.

when i was younger i had insane religious compulsions/thoughts (using the term 'compulsion' in the general sense here.) like get up in the middle of the night to pray or i'll accidentally kill everyone type of compulsions. it was bad to the point where i'd cry. couple of years later i developed this fantasy in my head that there was this seed (it sounds weird, bear with me) and if i didn't imagine myself watering it putting it in soil giving it sunlight every day then it would die and so would i and everyone i cared about. i had to be outside for anything i imagined doing to the seed to 'count' and i ended up leaving class multiple times saying 'i have to get water' as an excuse so i could stand outside so the deed would 'count'. later that same year i had something of an existential crisis and started crying to my mom because 'what if you're an npc. what if none of this is real'

these three experiences. sucked. immensely. crying-thinking-im-going-crazy level of sucked. i was a preteen.

also since COVID, i've washed hands obsessively. i do it less so now and more out of habit than actual fear of contamination but it does make my hands crack and bleed. sometimes i do feel nervous like i haven't washed hands enough even though logically i know i probably have.

i have obsessive-compulsive behaviours ABOUT having ocd (having to check diagnostic criteria etc to make sure i dont have it because the thought is so terrifying). usually when i do this i can feel im not thinking rationally but right now, i just got the urge to do it and im thinking “right, am i going to make sure i dont have ocd and reinforce my fears in the end, OR am i going to suck it up and be scared?”

i clearly picked the second one. after this, im putting my phone out of reach. hopefully the feeling passes (it usually doesnt, but hey.) wish me luck with sleeping tonight :’)

And checking.

And checking.

And checking...

And checking—

And checking

And checking

And checking

Checking all of their socials because they are still out there and you need to know everything about them because obviously that's the only way to keep yourself safe from them.

It's checking—and feeling completely manic every time you find something new they've posted because now you know more about them, and all of that checking before wasn't completely pointless.

But when it's all over, and you've finished checking their socials again for who knows how many times that day, you can't help but feel completely guilty. You know damn well they probably haven't even thought of you in months—they've moved on, and you haven't. You're a horrible person. A stalker. That makes you no better than them.

They have no idea what they've done to you.