Eurovision 2010s: 100 - 96
100. Kati Wolf -Ā āWhat about my dreamsā Hungary 2011
Ugh I just remembered the Belgian press laughing their asses off at Hungary thinking they could win with Kati Wolf... š¤ Which um... RUDE? What about how she feels?? What about her liiiiiiiiife? Also, WHY COULDNāT WE HAVE HAD THAT OUTCOME INSTEAD??? NO Ellbeast winner and NO Ellbeast hosting AND NO disaster acoustics, let alone NO indentured servitude because the Crystal Arena never gets built! If Kati wins, EVERYBODY WINS!!!Ā
Having said that, lmfao Kati Wolf was indeed never going to win lolol. She was so inept and I adore her for it. š She is one of the firstĀ āuniversally beloved OGAE favourite screws themselves over with a trainwreck liveā type of contestant and easily the most iconic one, so much that we can speak of aĀ āKati Wolf Awardā for the biggest OGAE flop every year. So much for their dreams. šĀ
However, independent from the suckage, I also greatly enjoyed "What about my dreamsā live WHOOPS. I mean, Iāll caveat that the Hungarian version is a lot better. Regardless, both are pretty amazing, alternating between melancholy and self-empowerment, even when coated in a hilariously tacky aesthetic. Love the GIANT blue crystal āringā (hand-bracelet?) and the blacklighted clothes. š She CANāT hold back. She CANāT go back. She MUSTĀ be...freeeeeee [of good taste].Ā
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99. Aliona Moon -Ā āO mieā Moldova 2013
What an Iconic Entry. Of course, Alionaās status as the ~First Growth Dress Ever~ alone grants her that title and for good reason. Six years after the fact it still holds up as a very impressive visual effect:
However, there is more to discuss than merely a display of excellent fashion.Ā āO mieā is also notable for being the rare Competent Moldovan entry. š² Normally this is something I do not care about (and secretlyĀ āO mieā isnāt *that* competent cf. Aliona choking / the original English lyrics referencing the Bāaktāun calendar š), but itās always hilarious when a country with a negative budget/reputation such as Moldova manages to be both innovative AND have jurors eat out their hand while also spending a minimum of money. Of course the song itself is ALSO a great example of orchestral dramedy, courtesy of -who else- musical genius / perfect deity Pasha Parfeny. š LEGEND!
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98. Francesco Gabbani -Ā āOccidentaliās karmaā Italy 2017
[2017 review here]
Oh look, itās 2017ā²s Kati Wolf Award Laureate. š¤ I feel kind of bad Francesco flopped though. The one time I support an Italian winner during the preshow and then he DOESNāT win??? ugh. š
However, that doesnāt take away from the Gabbani journey, which I found to be one of ups and downs, but fortunately mostly ups: The song is a mindblowingly clever parody of internet culture and, similar to how Valentina did it withĀ āFacebook Ooh Oh Ohā, offers critique by simply showcasing everything wrong with internet culture and overendulging in it, in the most annoying fashion. š. This was further enhanced by culturally appropriating hindu/buddhist imagery and dancing with a life-sizedĀ āgorillaā on the stage.Ā
However, all the additions + a subpar live performance by Francesco caused westernerās karma to quickly catch up with him, as his songās message flew completely over the head of the general European audience and many rejected him FOR being... a culturally appropriating memelord. Oh Francesco. May your incompetence always find a place in our hearts...x
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97. Nina Sublatti -Ā āWarriorā Georgia 2015
Omg, how come Eurovision has SO MANY epic Ninae? Sublatti, Zilli, Zizic, Kraljic,... I DEMAND a reality tv season with all of them!!!
Anyway, Nina Sublatti is a magnificent Athenian owlet who is responsible some of the worst English ever on Eurovision. I mean, yes, weāve definitely seen worse diction (Aram mp3 š, and Melovin, obv), but these lyrics are legendary in print:
NOT A SHABBY OR A MONEYMAKER WORLD GONNA LIGHT UP IN PEACE NOT A SHADOWāS VIRULATOR NOW YOU JUST YOU JUST GONNA BREATHE VIOLENCE BREAK THE FREE WINGS ARE GONNA SPREAD OUT IāM A WARRIOR OSCILLATING IāM GONNA GET UP AND BE OOOOOOOH IāM WARRIOR STILL STUCKED IN MY MIN-
No seriously, legit. The lyrics literally read āSTILL STUCKED IN MY MINDā. Nina writng all of codswallop by herself and NOBODY bothered pointing out it makes no sense... or perhaps some foolish intern did and were promptly oximated. Either way, š
Omg and I just remembered that, after screaming those words at Europe for three minutes while pulling owlfaces and getting devoured whole by LOSTās Smoke Monster, Nina somehow believed she would be the best placing Georgian entrant ever and was FURIOUS she finished in ~only~ 11th place. Delusional queen. <3
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96. Farid Mammadov -Ā āHold Meā Azerbaijan 2013
Iāll be honest, for the longest time I didnāt want to like Farid. Obviously, "Hold meā is the usual mass-produced Swedish contraband that gets passed around between Azerbaijan, and Malta (random ESC alliances <3).
HOWEVER, no matter how many reservations I had about the song beforehand, Farid fucking... OWNED? lol. Like, for starters, Iāve spoken about bedroom eyes before and this-
-is actually a very good attempt at them. INSTANTLY WET TYRA BANKS, FIRST CALL OUT, SMYZE. Azerbaijan then followed this up with their now trademark ridiculous eyecatching staging that, as per true Azeri tradition, fits the songās catch rhythm and ignores its insipid message (<3). GIANT GLASS CONTAINER <3 ROSE PETALS <3 The BEST part though is when the female dancer comes on, wearing a giant, endless spine dress. šSTYLE ICONSš
All in all, an excellent entry. I am happy it didnāt win though, mostly because 2013 is also the year when Azerbaijanās televote fraud AND fixed jury votes came to light, WHOOPS!!! š¤













