#nycpoets

The sun barely peeks through the clouds

Its been overcast all day

You’ve been casting looks

As the fishermen cast their lines

Sinking their hooks

I think its time to get this off my chest

Something happened to me

And it didn’t click at first

It didn’t register that i was hurt

An innocent night, gone totally awry

I’ve blamed myself time after time

Only recently, did i learn i am a victim too

I didn’t know you

and i wished they hadn’t left us alone

Way past midnight, i had no way home

You tried to make me feel “safe”

It was only a ploy

When i cried “please dont”

You continued with joy

You refused a condom

& held me down with bodily force

I couldn’t fight you

I had no choice

On & on & on you went

I cried and cried, my emotions spent

You don’t think you did anything wrong

& I could never tell this story aloud

You like to brush me off

You’re not affectionate

I still don’t know your parents

Or anyone really

You’ve kept me at a distance

You’re not even marriage minded

Who knows if you want kids

I used to think you did

But everyday you show me something new

Ill be graduated soon

Are you ready?

Or am i going to have to move on without you?

What does the next level look like for us?

Is there a next level?

So many questions

I should just ask you

But im not ready for that conversation

This middle place

Its okay for now

Though my anxiety burns inside me

Im so afraid of wasting time

As if it’d all run out tomorrow

But tomorrow seems so far away

Why not just seize the day

Tell me you love me

You don’t mean it anyway

What’s there to love?

Not even IN love

You know the one thats short-lived

I guess we died quicker

Its so easy to fake it

The happiness

The smiles

The giggles

Thats all you need from me

No meaning

Just for show

You could care less how it really feels

To seethe through grinning teeth

To smile so big your cheeks soak up the tears before they’ve even left your lashes

To laugh at any and everything

Just to avoid that dreaded question

“What’s wrong?”

Id say everything

But you still wouldn’t get it

Completely oblivious

If i walked away right now

Would it be me or you?

You probably should’ve proved these things by now

Im wasting my time

But then again, where else would it go?

I see you so little

This requires minimal effort

You’re getting bored

I can tell

I wonder when you’ll give up

Or are you waiting for me to do it first?

To be continued...

We’ll be back next week

Every other salutation except goodbye

Pure madness

I passed your apt yesterday

I went to the bar we used to frequent

I Strolled down the avenue

The one that used to compliment us so well

I dined at one of our favorite places

I forgot how expensive it was

Perhaps I never knew

You always paid

I ordered some small portions

Of what our life used to be

I’ve missed you since I saw you

That was months ago

I know you miss me too

I would’ve told the world no for you

My laughter was endless

You were hysterical

Boy did we look good

Our confidence oozed

They always stared

I miss the feeling

Us being a pair

We lived our lives without a care

Together again