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To split means to divide up, and is a term used to describe when people with PDs get stuck in intense black-and-white thinking that divides people and things into extremes like âall goodâ and âall badâ. Splitting is a defence mechanism most often described as part of BPD but is also experienced by other cluster B disorders. It is often accompanied by intense anger or distress.
There are many similarities in the way splitting looks and feels across the cluster B disorders, although what triggers our splits might be different. Splitting can be both negative (someone or something is worthless and bad) or positive (someone or something is amazing and perfect) but in both cases, the belief is extreme, unrealistic or unnuanced. Here are some potential triggers for splitting in NPD:
Making a mistake
Finding a task or new skill difficult
Being ignored or someone not paying attention to us
Being complimented
Someone confessing a crush on us
Getting a particularly good/bad grade
Receiving highly positive/negative feedback
Feeling insulted, disrespected or not being taken seriously
Being (falsely or accurately) accused of something
Being disappointedÂ
Being seen as weak or incompetent
Someone acting like they're better than us/more knowledgable etc.
Why does splitting occur?
Situations like the ones listed above can trigger a rush of intense thoughts and/or emotions in people with PDs, who often struggle with emotional regulation. Splitting is the brainâs way of trying to handle these thoughts and feelings and make sense of a potentially complex or overwhelming situation.Â
People with NPD typically struggle to recognise or tolerate grey areas or mediocrity; there is only perfect or worthless, superior or inferior, etc. A person may be seen as either perfect and special or useless and worthless. Splitting can also occur when something happens that contradicts a person with NPDâs beliefs about themselves or another, for example when someoneâs equal or chosen person disappoints or upsets them, or when a person with NPD has an experience that threatens their grandiose sense of self.Â
âHow can someone I care about or idolise do something bad or hurt me?âÂ
âHow can I have made a mistake when Iâm perfect?â
These are some of the intolerable contradictions that splitting exists to try and make sense of.
What does splitting sound like?Â
Here are some examples of a personâs worldview when splitting. In a split, these thoughts can occur towards people we normally wouldnât think this way towards, like loved ones that we care about. Mentions of homicidal and suicidal ideation; reader discretion is advised.
Splitting on oneself: I am a god amongst mortals and everyone should be grateful to be in my presence. Iâm so perfect and wonderful. It canât be my fault, I never do anything wrong. Everyone worships me. // Everyone hates me and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. I am the worst, I am so worthless and stupid. I need to just disappear. I should kill myself. Iâm a monster and I deserve to die.Â
Splitting on others: Theyâre incompetent, useless, worthless. Their lives mean nothing, they are utterly worthless. I hate them and want them to die. I want to make them suffer like theyâve made me suffer. They should kill themselves. They deserve to die. I donât care about their worthless feelings. I donât care if they suffer. I could ruin their lives and take everything from them.
Splitting on a task or activity: This is ridiculous and pointless. Anyone who actually likes this is stupid. Thereâs no point trying. Iâm quitting, Iâm just embarrassing myself. I hate doing this.
Whatâs it like when we split?
Splitting can sometimes lead to a ânarc crashâ, which is when a person with NPD loses their grandiose âfalse selfâ and feels intense distress, self-loathing, hopelessness etc. Splitting might lead to a crash if someone is splitting on themselves and sees themselves as worthless and terrible, or if the experience of splitting and the thoughts that occur alongside it feel shameful.Â
Here are some anonymous confessions from people with NPD about how they experience splitting:
â[When I split on someone,] I begin to feel contempt for them and think theyâre completely below me and want to bring them downâ
âIf my equal person disappoints me I split and devalue them... it makes it very hard to keep relationshipsâ
âItâs always on a chosen or equal person. It feels like my entire perception of them gets rotten or infected... all I see [are the things about them I hate]... Iâm afraid I will give in and hurt someone, and I donât wanna do thatâ
âMy splitting is almost exclusively targeted at myself and usually negative... even the things that usually bring me back up feel shallow and like pityâÂ
âI either crash out and... just want to destroy everything and give up. Or Iâm like angry and fuelled to change everything about myself & my life... if I am self-aware during it then I crash harder bc itâs embarrassing to meâÂ
I wrote this in a friend server a while ago, and figured it was time to transfer it here, so more people can get use of it. This is based off mine and another members experience with our NPD splits, and how we cope, though a lot of the tips are vague enough they can probably help several PDs. This is split into External Splits (Splitting on others) and Internal Splits (Splitting on yourself), though both can happen at once).
Neg External Splitting Advice
Pt: Negative External Splitting Advice /End Pt
Oftentimes, we're just angry. And we've noticed this tends to be a common theme. If you can find a way to redirect the anger that's always great. Anything from tearing/breaking things, screaming (even into a pillow), writing/reading fanfic, or just writing about the situation (either personally or to someone completely outside the situation) can help. Just get it out. Trying to swallow it will make it last longer and is a lot more annoying to cope with (though not impossible). Random thing that helps me as an anger holder: downing powder candy. Idk why, but it chills me out super fast so take that how you will. Basically look into anger management strategies here. Your anger is not wrong. It is not useless. It is important and it is valuable. But you will also get stuck in it if you aren't careful, and that will hurt you. You do not deserve to be hurt.
Don't be afraid to tell them "hey, my brain's being weird right now. I need to step back for both our sakes. I can explain better once my brain chills out later". Space helps. Don't keep retriggering yourself. Mute them if you have to. Leave the room/area if it's in person. Take that break. You're allowed to and deserve your space to figure it out.
If you want to go the swallowing the anger route: distractions. These will be helpful either way, but especially helpful with this route. Music, friends, art. Hell music and art is still a good way to redirect anger, directly or indirectly. Cold showers are also great, as is exercise. Just anything to get your mind off the topic, especially if it's something you enjoy. You deserve to relax some after everything after all.
Negative Internal Splitting Advice
Pt: Negative Internal Splitting Advice /End Pt
So while a lot of our advice on External Splits involve getting away, we tend to suggest the opposite for self splits. This is because there's a lot of devaluation going on, and it's important to help find a way to address this.
Talk to someone you trust about what caused the split, or about what you're feeling. I know it might be hard or scary, but their support can do a long way in helping you feel better. You deserve and are worthy of being seen, heard, and supported.
If you can't talk to someone, writing it out is another good option. Even if you delete (digital) or destroy (physical) it afterwards. Keeping it in doesn't do much good. Getting it out will help with regulation. After that, get some supply. Again you can ask someone (promise it's not invalid or cheating), but there's also this compliment generator. This masterpost also has some npd based positivity post at the bottom, and it's an old inactive count but @npd-positivity is a nice account to scroll through as well.
Affirmations tend to help us a lot. If we notice a lot of "I don't deserve" trying to actively fight against that, or reason against that has been what helps the best. It can be hard, especially at the start, but it does get easier over time.
In general, distractions and doing something you enjoy is a good idea. The sooner you can get your mind to stop circling this, the sooner it will let up in most cases. Comfort shows, writing, reading, music, crafting, etc are all great ideas.
And for both..
Pt: And for both.. /End Pt
Eventually (not when you're in the midst of it good god, but either when you're coming or are out of it) please consider actually confront why you got triggered. Look at what triggered this, and why. It'll give you something to work on to help avoid it in the future. It'll take time, and a lot of work, but it's worth it. And it's definitely a vulnerable state to put yourself in, so take care of yourself when you do so. Reward yourself for admitting it, or even just taking a look. It could be you felt threatened, you felt like you were being left out, etc. Once you start noticing these patterns, you can catch them, and address them individually better. It might be hard, but it's worth it.
Weird thing about me is that I donât immediately think of others as less than (unless there are specific circumstances) and if I choose to interact with someone I assume that they are âon my levelâ in one way or another like intelligence or overall morals and stuff like that. But when they fail to meet those expectations I feel almost betrayed and like âoh youâre not special or interesting ew whatâ and it completely changes the way I see them. I had this one science project with someone I liked a bit and figured she seemed pretty cool but I spent so long explaining my idea over and over again and it became clear that I was the smarter one between us and I couldnât reconcile it and felt that she had deceived me in a way and I couldnât see her the same way after that.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Qualityâ Free Actions
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Aoughhh I feel so pissy and stupid for having gotten wildly upset and feeling down about myself because I didn't win this competition for photography. I didn't even get first place either. I thought my photos were good enough, good enough to land a first place. My teacher even said my photos looked professional and really good.
Not only that but I feel so deeply insecure about my identity as a fictive. I feel so ass hurt whenever I see my friends affirming fictives or fictionkins with the same kintypes and identity as me. I want that reassurance and affirmations as well. Notice me too?? It feels like my friends should notice me before anyone else.
I feel so threatened by other doubles / fictives / fictionkins with the same identity and I have no idea why. I loathe it.
Nobody talks about how fucking bad it hits when you're already in an NPD split and your partner breaks up with you.
Like, yes, thanks, I was already thinking that there is nobody out there for me and obsessing over being someone's actual favourite person, you just proved me right.
Fuck this. Going to make a new IG account and go undercover in the NPD/BPD/DID community. It's not like it matters.
