There are obvious answers like "do your hobbies" but I'm too upset to do them, is it like "just suck it up and do them, it's gonna be fine" or is there something else to do? Sorry if I'm hard to understand.

Hi! Don't worry, you're not hard to understand, G-d knows I struggle with this too.

It's a bit silly but sometimes I "draft" a bunch of messages to send to them once they're back online. Like I bookmarks posts that I want to send to them, I make a list of things I wanted to ask/tell them/talk about (bc ADHD means I'd forget otherwise even if my FP lmfao). The reason why I do the "drafts" instead of just messaging them while theyre AFK (though dgmw, I message them when they're AFK too) is because I'm technically doing something else, even if it's as passive as just scrolling and eventually coming across a video I think they'd like, or technically reflecting on my own day by thinking about interesting things I'd like to tell them about it. Plus, even if my logical brain KNOWS they're not responding just bc they're busy, my illogical brain will just see my messages piling up more and more and I'll just feel ashamed or more away of the fact that I'm being "ignored" (even though I'm not, it still feels that way, yk)

And as cliche as it sounds, talking to other people is great. Most of my friendgroups are fandom-based, both online and off, and I share a lot of fandom overlap with one of my FPs, but there's one fandom that they're barely in at all. When I can't talk to them I focus on that other "main" friend group, which is twofold because 1. It reminds me that other people like me too, even if they quite frankly do not compare to my FP 2. It ends up distracting me bc I can channel all my energy into something else that I love. Sometimes I even get distracted enough to be creative and make fanart/fanfic for the other fandom, which gives my brain something to do until i can talk to FP again.

So here’s the gist: my FP and I have been on and off contact for about two years now, and last November I was under the impression that i was going to cut all contact forever. Fast forward until maybe two days ago, I see them checking out my story, and I miss them a ton so of course I say ‘hello what are you doing here silly goose. You’re not supposed to be here.’ And they say ‘I just wanted to check up on you. I’ve had a lot of trouble moving on.’

So we start talking again and they tell me they’re doing okay and that they realised some things that may make staying in contact a whole lot easier, and it HAS. Except for one thing.

We don’t have the same problems we did before but for this one issue: they’re addicted to their work and they don’t make time for me.

I don’t know if it’s just me being batshit needy or whatever, but it’s literally only been two days, and the lack of attention from them is physically painful. I don’t know how they’re doing on the other side of it and I’m too scared to bring it up, but all of our interactions so far have been very friendly and affectionate and fine.

However, if this need for attention and depression about not getting it ISN’T an overreaction, what do I do?

Their work comes first, I know that, and they know that. It’s non-negotiable, really. I don’t think they’ll make any changes if I ask them to spend more time together, or if they do, I’m scared they’ll get upset about it.

We also both know that I prefer spending a lot of time together.

Being with them but not “with” them is really painful for me, and it’s only been two days. I feel myself slipping into another depression already, the intense kind that I only ever got when we were in contact.

Should I ask to spend more time together? In the past, that sort of request would have made them really moody and avoidant, but since they’ve grown a little, I wonder if it’ll be okay.

We started out irl but then we became long distance, btw, so naturally spending time together is really difficult. It’s just that they’re always ALWAYS doing something else, even when they have free time. It just feels kind of pointless to hold my heart out for them when they’re not with me.

Is the problem me? Should we talk it out or should I just cut contact again?

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🍀 anon

Without knowing the full details of your situation, it sounds like they ARE genuine about missing you - while, albeit, ALSO having the problem of being obsessed with their work. And again, I don't know the full details of their/your situation. If they're genuinely in such an awful work environment where they have no time for other relationships whatsoever, that's one thing....but if they're using that as an excuse to choose work over you, that is very much not a cool move, in my opinion.

(And even if the first option is true, I'd like to believe that some sort of compromise can still exist? Like at bare minimum they could dedicate their breaks and time off to you??? I may be misunderstanding the situation, but it sounds like they're NOT doing that, in which case I am truly sorry, wtf.)

I don't think you're needy or overreacting at all. I mean, there's nothing wrong at all with being "needy" or "overreacting" - but even so, I still don't think that's the case, as your reactions are VERY human especially for a human with NPD. But I also understand (and also i applaud YOU for the fact that YOU understand) that their work does genuinely come first. I like to believe that's not a choice - because if it was a choice, and they'd consistently choose work over you, that'd def be a problem. But if something not in your or their control, God, I can totally understand and relate to how that's painful on ALL ends.

I don't think you're the problem at all, and I do think it is possible to negotiate in some way. Like I said, them dedicating their days off to you could be an excellent first step, and I do think you should try to bring this up/propose this idea in the most comfortable ways possible for you. Without knowing the nature of their work, would it be possible/make you feel better if you reached out to them through the day, just so you know they're there reading your messages and will respond to them when they get a chance? Or of course if the thought of being left on read/delivered makes things worse, obviously this is something you SHOULDN'T do, but if it's ok with you that may be a great way to help you feel more connected and give you a bit of an extra push to keep them in the loop of YOUR life.