#nottpun

Watch until the end, trust me, but only if you’re using headphones!

One of the most fascinating arcs the show War of Y explores is the character, Pan. His cold, 2-faced demeanor got people frustrated, angry, and conflicted about whether he was meant to be viewed as a victim or just a whiny self-obsessed character. This episode continues to explore that. 

From the relationships with Nott, his manager/second ‘mother’ Koon, and his peers. Pan has always seemed above others like he was only there for himself. We find out that it’s because he has massive trust issues, heavy walls up, and he has not let anyone in, not even Nott who he has been in a situationship for 3 years.  Everyone seems used or manipulated by him, yet episode 4 reveals it’s not like that. 

Keeping up Appearances

From episode 1, Pan has always been shown to have his own surface appearances,  as he smiles at his fans, seeks their validation, and acts docile and meek for everyone he wants to gain something from. He was seen as cunning, conniving, and manipulative. He knew how to get what he wanted. But this episode reveals that the cute mask was also his entrapment. Pan lashed out so many times trying to escape it, trying to let himself be free, but he was always advised that being him wouldn’t be enough. As he said, in this industry, he had to be seen above others, it was the only way to be taken seriously. Nott had it all; the looks, the charisma, the energy. Pan was the opposite well in his head he’s always been, insecure that one day people would desert him because he wasn’t adorable enough, cute enough, or precious enough. 

Reasons,  Pan had to stay in his mask

His fans were known as mothers, they saw him as childlike and innocent, Koon forced him to keep up with that role despite his want to break out

The directors and producers wanted him naive, docile, and innocent, also a cute manner, Koon forced him to stay in that pure role, and left him as a sheep to be devoured by the wolves. This formed a complex in him (along with his past traumas) of hating people’s touch and feeling dirtied by the people who exploited him

His ship with Nott was meant to be innocent, once he showed a true part of himself not willing to allow Nott’s advances in episode 2, his fans turned on him wanting him to stay cute and romantic in his mask as Nott acts as the passionate partner, or judged him and Nott for being in their mask and being fake and using BL as a stepping stone

We watch the reasons pile up as we see Pan lose control more and more and then watch as he spirals until episode 4 where it’s revealed in his head it was always never an option to show who he was. As the flashbacks consume him in the car as he suffocates himself in monoxide, we the audience realize that this is true, every time he showed his real self he was punished for it. From fainting in NC scenes because he’s overworked and uncomfortable (causing him to lose his place in the director’s eyes), to being hated for not wanting fanservice, to being viewed as shallow and fake as he tried to gain the director’s favor, to then being rejected just for being himself and not his skills. Pan never had a chance to just be himself and feel allowed to profit from that.

Egoistic or Protective? 

Pan comes off as egoistic, always thinking the world will be better because of him. Some have mentioned traits of narcissism but as we continue to reveal, we pull back the covers and realize it’s due to perfectionism and a desperate need to be worthy to others birthed from his background. Pan has been forced to be protective of himself, his identity, his skin/body, and his dreams,  his position. 

His family neglect him and let him fall through in the homophobic environment he was raised in. They were ashamed of his acting choice and continued to use that against him, his mum although she cares,  continued to let him stay with Koon because of the choice he had made. He was always fighting for their love, to be seen as worthy, needed, and precious for who he really was, a queer dreamer who just wanted to make them happy. But he was shunned. This becomes his massive goal, the reason he holds onto his necklace each time he’s in a space of hurt and fear, and the reason he got up the next day after crying to try and regain his position in Mafia baby. 

His industry makes him replaceable. The old vs new generation isn’t easy, and with this industry, you can’t look weak, as Pan says he had to seem above others, he had to make them feel frightened of him, he had to distance himself from them to be taken seriously and not used. He was insecure about his place (one because he already knew that his dislike of NC was a disadvantage, his queer identity was also another reason he wouldn’t be taken as seriously, his fear of being touched and others). He was a great actor but that wasn’t enough, everyone wanted to use him, exploit his talent, body, and even heart to be there, he didn’t want that to happen and that was a fear for him. 

His peers were competitive, fake, and waiting for his downfall. Yes BewGus may be nice and real but they were his competition, he knew what happened to the ones who were replaced, he was afraid of that, he knew Pharaoh was out for his place so he always demeaned him to keep him in check, he knew the makeup artists, people who worked with him and cared for him didn’t care for him, so he never tried to let them in either. He shut off everyone even Nott because of that fear of being replaced and hurt or stabbed in the back. 

He used Nott as a boat to get ahead, he was already insecure about being put as Nott’s partner as he admits in this episode, so instead of just dwelling on that, he used it, he used the passionate relationship to become a better method actor, refused to let Nott close to him in any authentic way, and kept reminding himself of him as a threat, he used Nott as a Boat, as he wanted to use the BL popularity to get into network television and be taken seriously as an actor, so he kept reminding Nott he didn’t want to be a shipped pairing. He did all of this and tried so hard to put space and Nott let him. The truth is Pan was just as scared of being abandoned and left (because again being himself wasn’t seen as worthy) and so he pushed back and tried to be in control. In the end, he hurt Nott, but by the end feels like he was right to have left him all along 

The Boat vs The infinite ship

Nott and Pan have always had this fascinating devastating thing about their romance. For both of them, the fear of being used/taken advantage of vs the real love they feel for each other has always been their arcs for both growth and regression. Nott feared Pan was using and taking advantage of him and when Pan lashes out and calls him a boat he breaks, it was true then, he was just a toy to Pan, it was never real.

For Nott, he’s been able to control everything in his life, everything else was easier for him, his looks got him to sleep with whoever he wanted, his acting career and others, and it was easier for him to achieve the goals he wanted, unlike Pan who had to sell so many parts of himself and identity to get there. Nott sees things as going with the flow apart from Pan, Pan is who he loves, and he is willing to be used by him. However, it gets to him and hurts him each time Pan’s defenses attack him, Pan’s cold, distanced, and manipulative mask pains him and so, he doesn’t see Pan breaking more than he is and is trying so hard to keep control. Pan on the other hand is different, he’s afraid Nott sees him as an infinite ship; a prison he doesn’t want to enter, he wants to be taken seriously for his acting, to prove everyone wrong who doubted he could do it, to prove himself that he’s worthy and precious of love for his identity. 

However, Nott’s dreams of them being together forever a shipped couple entraps that, so he lets him know it’s impossible. This is not his goal, his goal has always been to be taken seriously and not just as a shipped pairing, but it hurts Nott who feels used, and it fills him with insecurities about why Nott wants him. He tells himself lies. He believes them, Nott uses their shipping pictures, fanservice, and pairing as a way to advance himself this is why when he’s later feeling abandoned by Nott (with TTTV) he shuts down and erupts his walls back up, and lashes out at him. But as much as it’s true he did use him, he did hurt him, he did take advantage, he also loved Nott, he just was afraid, and this is proof he was right to be. In the end, the two love each other, and find solace in each other but are left with scars of what the other one does to them. 

Nott is punished even more because he sleeps with Pharaoh, a trigger for Pan, his enemy seeking his downfall, his replacement, he did that for a bit with no meaning to it, because Nott doesn’t take anything seriously apart from Pan and he is punished for that naivety and ignorance. In the end, Pan is hurt and sent to regression, and Nott is left behind by the one person he believes frees and sees him. 

Pan’s mothers (Nature vs Nurture)

Mother is an important theme for Pan because he seeks maternal care, warmth, nurture, and love. There are three mothers surrounding his life, each he gives a part of himself to and each destroys him in a way internally. Each he makes a mask to survive. 

There’s his real mum who he loves and wants validation from, who he wants to be proud of him, and who he wants to make happy. He wears a mask of egoism, and confidence that he will be fine, he becomes a perfectionist with goals and plans to prove everyone wrong and show her he can survive and make it as himself. But as he goes to eliminate himself in this episode, the truth is harsh and suffocates him, he worked hard and sacrificed so much of himself to get to her and in the end, he couldn’t. He was abandoned and left alone only to return if he could be of worth and importance. He clings to her necklace as a sign of comfort, but it chokes him instead, pulling him further and further into this desperate need for validation and love. 

 His Fans

 You have his fans, their fandom name; his ‘mums’, they want to coddle and give him love. In order to do so, he must appear happy, cute, and innocent. And so he tries to do so, despite his hatred of losing control (from his traumas), and his hate of being touched, he tries to keep up the appearances, to please them with Nott, to be docile and effective.

However, if he steps out of line like in episode 2, they either leave him or blame him for his frigidness, look of discomfort, and inability to smile and seem happy with what they want. His fans are his refuge but they also push him deeper into a web of fear that being himself is not enough. His need for their validation and comments almost drives him crazy, he works nonstop even in moments when he can’t, to please and get their love because it makes him less insecure, they’re the proof that he’s loved, wanted and precious, they tell him that and he wants that, but it keeps him in the trap, suffocating until he can’t take it anymore.

This isn’t just his fan's fault, they may be fickle but they are loyal to him as well, but their mothering pushes Pan into a different state for them, he wants to gain their love and affection by sacrificing his authenticity, by making sure who they see is what they want but it’s killing him inside. When he snaps, they see it and start to desert him. It’s painful. 

Koon is the most painful, been by his side for 5 years, she has exploited and used his body to gain ahead. Although she cared for him and tried to reduce his discomfort (due to her guilt of what she was making him into) she’s the biggest mother figure Pan has lost himself for. Not only has she taken advantage of him with false pretenses of his body, mind, and insecurities, but she’s also worked him hard with no rest, she acts like a nurturing mother, meek and submissive but behind closed doors she’s fickle, always looking for something new to gain ahead.

Pan is an object for her gain, and she reveled in that, she used him to prove a point to Bew’s manager who poached Bew away from her that she was right and more powerful, she used him to get her other clients ahead, she used him to get her name ahead. She pushed him tirelessly, forced him to stay in a mask that was suffocating him, and let him lash out at her because of it, she knows how he feels about being controlled but deliberately leaves him with his traumas every time she wants something, and she doesn’t try to protect or even stand up for him. In a flash, she moves on with Pharoah, forms a plan and uses him, and then abandons Pan once more. The truth in episode 4 is revealed, she barricaded and fed Pan with information making him feel he needed to hide who he was, so he could be favored.

For 5 years she did this, and we see the results in episode 1, Pan lashes out and tries to regain the power taken from him all those years and so what we know of him is a shell, someone filled with pain, trauma, and scars, continuously stabbed at and slowly unraveling. Koon was the most dangerous form of a mother to him, he sought her protection and guidance and let himself be an object for her, and she used and tossed him away in the mess and chaos she caused. It’s heartbreaking. 

Explosive and devastating for both of them. I’m sure before we reach the end that they will cut each other to pieces on those knife edge differences.

The differences shiny and alluring and poisonous to the touch. But by the end someone will risk the poison.