#notsoteenageangstyproblems

Well...not all dreams. Some dreams are pleasant and sweet and even funny but i can't stand dreams that have people from my past in them. People that hurt me or betrayed me... every time I have dreams like those i wake up physically exhausted, and my mind at full power thinking about that person.....trying to figure out why the hell they are in my head in the 1st place.....they say when you dream about someone its because they were thinking about you before they go to sleep.... BULLSHIT . Why would my very 1st 2 crushes ever be thinking about me??? One has made attempts to attack me the other threatened to do the same...... (personal note: stop crushing on Closed minds) -sigh- i guess I'll never know why lol but it makes me wonder.....what would i do or what would happen if one of those dumbasses were to contact me? ? Or run into me at the store or something? Any ideas??

I can't help but think, what the actual fluck am i doing here? This is unhealthy. You know the pain it causes, you know what it is doing to you mentally and physically. It literally hurts you, yet i sit here and watch him sleep. I wonder if he is happy or sad, what he is in wanting of, what are his deepest wishes, is there a way to make them come true. .... but at the same time, all k can think about is how painful it will be making those dreams he has come true. Why can't i be a typical selfish person and put my happiness 1st? Why am i forever pursuing happiness for another and not my own? I have heard of generosity but this is a bituch isn't it? I want to cry but i don't want to seem pathetic or weak or something. I stay strong but it hurts. I want to stop caring. I want these feelings to leave, it wpuld make thw pain stop....... i wonder what he would say or think or do if he read these entrys that i put in..... my gut tells me he would do nothing but avoid me. My mind wants to say that he would talk to me about it, but my heart, my heart ... my heart only hurts......... gahhhh this is sooo sad and pathetic. ..... I'm 22 friggin yeats old amd im hung up on a guy like a coat is hung on a hanger........ idk what to do anymore. .....a part of me wishes he would read these the other knows it would be a mistake...... afterall, what would it achieve? He will never be mine, he has made that clear..... i want to hate him for that but its not fair..... i wish he never would have said what he said that night. I wish he could see that all he did was plant seeds of hope, seeds that i had to rip up after they had taken root. I sit here in silence and watch as he sleeps and all i can do is go to sleep myself soon..................... and dream.

Its 3:13 am, tomorrow i am hoping will be a good day. I will be staying 2 days and a night with him.. hopefully without interruptions. But who knows. I soo want to bring up specific subjects but am so terrified of the possible negative effects they will have on where he and i stand. Should i just let it all go and not say a thing and let it all just blow over? Should i ask him what he thinks? -sigh- you know if i knew life would be this difficult I wouldn't have swam so damn fast for the egg....... lol. I have come to a realization however, that i can accept the fact that I can't have him. in life there will be things and people you want but shant ever have. I still will never trust a hope nor will i let one grow. Those are still too dangerous. No, i shall just go on. The sun shall continue rising and setting, as the boisterous Rachel Lynd once said ( Anne of Green Gables reference ) well then tata dears. Pleasant dreams. :-)

Has anyone ever been in the state of mind where you are lonely as hell but there is only one person who you want to talk to......but they don't seem to want to reply? YOU GUESSED RIGHT!!! Welcome to another episode of "Not so teenage angsty problems" this will be a shorter entry. Its a simple problem this time....im bored lonely and have too much time to myself which gets filled with over thinking and paranoia. .....i need one of those lives where there is hardly any still moments due to work or gaming or preferably company from other friends. .........idk if even that will help quiet my mind.... -sigh- well perhaps the future will bring some peace of mind.

Greetings, this entry is not of a sad nature nor is it a happy one, but civil. Civil as an orange. Lol ok in all honesty I'm just bored and and have too much time to think while on the train and have to get my thoughts onto something so i can relieve some of the pressure. I had dreams about certain scenarios of him and i, last night. They were fluid and ever changing, almost like visions of our future but i don't believe in seeing the future cause the future is never certain. The one that was most beautiful and wanted was the following. I'm sitting on his bed as he games and watches youtube. I look up at him often as i am on my phone talking to another gent. he looks back at me (i wonder of he does this often and if he does so to see my reactions to the videos or because he wants to look at me) and see me on my mobile device and asks what has got me smiling like i am. I tell him. "This guy I'm talking to made a funny joke." I say. His face turns to that of one of concern and questioning, and asks, to my surprise, "you're talking to another guy?". This question took me by great surprise as i was under the impression he wasn't ready to pursue anything. He's my best friend so i could understand if was curious to know if the gentleman's intentions were of a virtuous nature, but his tone sounded more like jealousy. (Needless to say this part of the dream was far more vivid than the others as my memory took a firm grip onto it. ) I was amused. I wasn't expecting him to care about who i talked to, but he was. I felt warm and giddy but i held myself and kept a calm cool demeanor as to try and intimidate more from him. (Cruel, yes, but necessary). "Is there something on your mind?" I asked and after 20 seconds of gut knotting silence i received a reply, "Well cause I thought you were mine..." To my displeasure my alarm decided it qas time to let its song play and startle me from sleep...... Maybe this entry is not that of a civil nature but one of irritation. . ... I'm irritated that it had to end but happy to have had such a dream. I swore to never hope again, and i won't. Whatever happens, happens. But i can dream. And i intend to have more.