I looked in the mirror and could not tell who as staring at me. I have seen the same face when I wake up every morning of my 18 years of existence, yet today I had no idea who I was. I looked at the girl, the sunburnt cheeks, the thin scar above her right eyebrow, the acne along the side of her face, and yet I could not recognize my own face. I didn’t see myself. I saw a girl who was liked and appreciated, but that wasn't me. That wasn't me at all. I was a despicable person with no hope and it terrified and shocked me. Why could I not recognize myself. Why could I not see that that was me. Why was she crying? Was I making her cry?
I looked at my reflection wondering how the hell I got here. How I got to college, how I got to doing the few things I love most: Learning and playing Soccer. how the hell did a skinny, bowlegged, obnoxious, acne ridden teen like me get to be in such a good spot?
I looked at my reflection and thought, who is that? That isn’t me. My rational side said yes, yes, that's you. But I said no. No that isn't me. I am not that girl in the mirror that girl in the mirror is not me I am not her she is not me I am not a person I am a shell. We are not the same, I had no idea what I was doing leaning over the tiny sink in my dorm room, searching for answers in this strangers face. I was looking for something anything, one resemblance between what I felt like and what I looked like.
I felt scared, exhausted, worried, confused and pained
I looked fine. It was just another face in the millions out there and it was no different than the others. I had nothing that made me stand out. No defining features. I have nothing to make me be seen, and it terrifies me that I will never be seen. I so desperately want to be seen and appreciated, to be liked and to be someone’s friend. Someone that can be a shoulder to lean on. instead I am just an invisible thing that stands in the corner with no one to talk to, no one to notice that I am uncomfortable and in pain.
I know I am being selfish - I want this and that and this when I have so many things. But I don’t want to be lonely anymore. I want to recognize myself and be proud of my reflection, and of what others will see. I want to be a good person. I want my reflection to match what I felt. To be happy - truly happy - and not have to worry about the black coiling snake that squeezes my heart and insides. To want and be wanted. To love. To cry. To see. To feel. To be me.
