#nothing much

I sometimes feel like a major imposter online. I'm in way too many fandoms to count and outside of that a lot of creative spaces seem to be primarily white dominanted or maybe they're just the loudest voices? I feel out of touch with a lot of stuff people talk about, I honestly don't know if it's cause I'm still young or that I grew up isolated. I always feel like I'm missing out when I see Americans or Europeans, foreigners in general or even just people in more tourist centered countries in the Caribbean, talk about the stuff they're able to get or do. I feel like I've gotten a better grasp on my envy in the past two years but it never really goes away.

Also there's a lot of intersectionality between online spaces and real world problems such as racism, queerphobia, classism and way too much for me to list right now. I always feel out of the loop somehow, I make sure not to interact with certain content that might trigger me but that tends to include certain real world news. It's also kinda hard for me to find free resources for things like that.

Don't even remember what I was originally trying to say but age is another big issue. I find myself feeling like an infant trying to interact with anyone even a little older than me but I can't really relate to persons my age or younger. I don't get the slang used, I don't get the jokes and I feel like I'm always saying the wrong thing. I don't even know anymore.

I get told I'm ghetto and then the same people turn around and say I seem white. Big whoop that I read a lot or that I lived in the 'ghetto'. We live in the fucking Caribbean man, a good portion of us are mixed. I can't even tell if I'm upset or irritated, I put in all this effort to be kind and polite because it doesn't come naturally and people are just dicks all the damn time?? Why is it so hard to be kind?

Not even getting into my education. I feel so fucking stupid cause I can't remember shit and I have to go over stuff from grade school. I know there's nothing truly wrong with doing so but Caribbean people are so dang mean. I'm checking all the boxes at this point for what kinda person they don't like. It's so hard for me to express my cultural identity, I'm black and I'm east indian, I have indigenous and Portuguese in me as well. Feels like I'm standing in the middle of a tight rope, never truly on one side.

I don't get why it's so hard for people to talk amicably either. I get that that's not always an option when it comes to conversations on basic human rights which shouldn't be a discussion in the first place but heavens forbid you ask a question to the supposed professional. I know I'm ignorant about a lot of stuff but cut me some slack, I've been learning about a shitton of stuff in the last 4 years. Fuck me since I want to learn.

I honestly think I've veered so having no care for anyone or myself to having too much. How does one find a balance? I'm probably not even making sense at this point.

Not even really going to get into the way people interact with you when you don't have sanitised mental and physical health problems. Plus the weird religious fanatics, I've dealt with too many cults for someone who's only lived a fifth of a century.

Am I babying myself by not surpassing my boundaries? Am I an idiot for not knowing something already? Am I a fool for not understanding social interactions? What even is anything???