#not complete

-> Being the child of Bruce Wayne came with its ups and downs, the man is good, your father? He tries his best.

But you’re quiet, the most you’ve ever reached out for something was when you need a form signed for school. Despite having dealt with more difficult children than yourself, he for some reason gave up sooner with you than the others. Maybe it was the fact you really were his blood related child? No, he wasn’t this way with Damian.

Maybe it was the fact you chose not to be a vigilante, to be normal. Everyone was surprised when they heard that from you, guess they all expected it. The only person who didn’t care was Jason, he was relieved if anything, he was also the one closest to you before— it happened.

Never had it ever crossed your mind that this would be the reason your family began to isolate you, whether on purpose or not. Dick became elusive, only appearing before you to keep up the older brother image, Jason hardly ever came home, not that it was strange, Tim despite being the closest in age to you was always locked in his room or out on patrol, Cass was, quiet to say the least, not unusual. Stephanie tried but you were not compliant to her trying, not on purpose but it was just the way things were.

Damian grew to ignore you after your lack of reaction to him and his words, and Duke was the nicest, didn’t push, always greeted you even if it wasn’t reciprocated. Watching them come into the house, one year after another only further pushed you down the list of importance, it’s only thanks to Alfred’s consistency that you still even had a plate at the table. You saw in his eyes he was apologetic to the happenings around you, yet you insistent that it was not necessary for him to speak with your dad.

Speaking of the man, his priorities skewed with the new attendance of people in manor. It’s hard to remember the last time you even spoke to him without the conversation ending in ten seconds. God, you haven’t even gotten some of their contact info, you’ve got Dick’s from years ago, Jason’s as well, though you’re sure his number has changed in recent times— Duke and Stephanie’s, and your dad’s which you don’t use. Their texts dwindled down overtime.

It did hurt, a subtle ache in your chest whenever they had dinner without you, or left without goodbye. Thankfully you weren’t without your own company, Isla and Oliver, you made friends with them on your first day of middle school and stuck together since. Keeping your relations to the Wayne family secret until you were sure they wouldn’t leave you over it.

Or use you, both were viable options.

But they didn’t care, if anything, opening up about your estrangement only led them to resent your family. Ironic given that Isla was a huge Red Hood fan and Oliver was partial to Nightwing.

You kept their secrets though, no reason to share it.

It was only one day that things changed, your room, the original one, in the middle of the hall surrounded by everyone else’s. It became far too loud and hard to sneak your friends in without being noticed, so you moved— not out, can’t until you’re legally eighteen, but into a more quiet part of the house, turning one of the abandoned guest rooms into your sanctuary, close to another exit so your friends didn’t have to run out the front door every time. With Alfred’s help of course, it was already fully furnished, just needed to move your valuables down.

Taking down your clothes, posters and pictures, everything to make your room feel like home. You also may or may not have gotten a mini fridge and snack drawer using Bruce’s money, it didn’t make a dent in his account so he wouldn’t notice, now it was much easier to house your friends. The freedom helped push away the ache you’d have, the one you’d get when you laid in bed knowing that not a single person would question your lack of presence at dinner.

Oliver and Isla were more than happy to welcome you into their homes as well, Isla lived with her mom, dad in metropolis since they were divorced. Oliver with his older brother, mom and dad, kindly you informed Alfred of every single departure because it’d be cruel not to, and you also asked him to keep your absence hush from your family.

Annoyingly, even though they ignored you most of the time they still questioned your disappearances when they didn’t first ask Alfred, playing it off like they cared but it was truly just the hero in them making sure you didn’t get into trouble. Maybe that counted as caring.

For once in your life thing managed to move at a steady pace, you kept your outside life with your friends seperate from the one you hardly had with your family, can you guess who threw a wrench in that plan?

I can.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

-> that’s the prologue completed, it’ll preferably be short, only around a chapter or two if I can help it. But I have a habit of writing too much, so we have to wait.

First piece of writing on this account, hope it’s alright.

Fine arts have been beating my ass lately, to cope I drew a war veteran feeling the same.

He casually clicked on the stovetop and set the kettle atop it. He still wasn’t looking at her as he took two mugs down from her cupboard.

She furrowed her brow, “What do you mean? It’s your home! It’s where you were born--where you literally belong. And what—you never want to see it again?” She knew her tone was sharp, but she couldn’t stop the frustration leaking through as she tried to get across what he seemed determined not to understand.

His voice was steady as he selected tea for each of them, dropping a bag into each cup, “Of course I want to see it again. But if there must be a choice, then I’ve chosen.” With almost deliberate slowness, he measured out sugar for each of them—a lot for him, a little for her.

“What are you saying? You can’t make that decision so rashly! I can’t be the reason that you—” she bit off the end of her sentence, then took a breath. “You’re always making these sudden decisions like you’re absolutely sure, but you can’t possibly have thought this through.”

I was thinking of proposing…

The memory of the overheard conversation jolted back through her as he turned towards her, his gaze intense. “I am absolutely sure.” He abandoned the mugs and stepped towards her, forcing her to back up a step. He leaned down and caught her hands before she could move further away.

Her eyes moved back and forth between his like a cornered animal, but his were steady, and he brushed his thumbs over her hands as he continued gently, “I can make a quick decision because I know my heart, not because I’m being rash.” He allowed a small smile through, his eyes piercing right through her. “I love you, Nat—"

“You haven’t even heard Unio’s decision yet!” She interrupted quickly, not wanting to him to finish his devastating sentence.  “What if he wants to go back home?” She pulled her hands from his, raising them up pleadingly. She had to make him understand and she couldn’t do that if he kept distracting her. She took another step back, but hit the wall--there was nowhere else to run. There was no more putting off this fight. She clenched and unclenched her hands by her side.

He paused, stopping only a pace away, and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “You think Unio’s decision is worth more to me than yours? I love you. I’m not leaving you again, now that—”

“You can’t!!” She snarled, startling him. Tears were starting to gather behind her eyes and she was determined to keep them in. It would be selfish to let them fall and betray her feelings—this had to be a decision he made without her feelings involved. “You can’t love me more than Unio, you barely know me! You can’t stay here just for me! I can’t be responsible for ripping away everything you love--” She inhaled sharply.

Again.

“You are not responsible for this. I’m making this choice!” He gestured at himself, “Let me make this choice!” His voice rose in volume and frustration with each sentence.

“I can’t trust you to do that!” she cried, throwing her hands up.

His eyes went wide, then became vulnerable. There was a pause as they regarded each other. Confusion and hurt warred across his features, and he chewed his lip as they regarded each other. The sound of water beginning to heat was suddenly so loud in the silence. She wanted to hide from him, resort to her old standby and put her face behind her hair, but she couldn’t move an inch.

“Why?” he almost whispered it. His eyes did not leave hers.

She took in a shuddering breath, “You barely knew me for three weeks before you wanted to marry me,” He immediately looked incredulous, and started to open his mouth, but she couldn’t bear to hear it, “You told me you loved me after even less time! We’ve only been reunited in this world for a couple more weeks and you’re already talking about us living together! And about you making me lunches everyday and--” And proposing. She choked—her face was on fire. She clenched her fists, trying to control her emotions. “You can’t tell me you know, with absolute certainty, that you’re not making a mistake. You can’t tell me you’ve thought about this enough! You want to throw your whole life away for me and I won’t let you do it.”

Her eyes flashed, but tears did not fall, determination set in her jaw. As she spoke, his face had turned slowly from incredulous to something soft and sad. He studied her for another long moment, eyes moving back and forth between hers, before finally shattering their eye contact. He looked down and away and she let out a small breath.

“I know my feelings, Natsuko.” He took a breath, it was shaky. “But it’s clear to me you do not know yours.” Her head snapped up, a retort quickly coming to her lips, but he didn’t allow her the chance.

 “Maybe it’s different here in your world, I—” He bit off whatever he was about to say, and took another fortifying breath. “You think me naïve. You think because I’m moving forward quickly, that I’m unsure or I’m a fool.” He picked his gaze up from the floor and turned his sky eyes in her direction again, paralyzing her.

“Yes.” Against her better judgement, the words escaped her.

“Yes?” He repeated incredulously.

Rip the bandaid, Natsuko. “I think—I know, your infatuation with me will end—that’s how this always goes. Except you’ll be stuck here, alone!” She swallowed with some difficulty, “So yes, I think you’re a f-fool. There is nothing special enough about me that’s worth trading your entire life.”

He didn’t move his eyes from hers, “Really. And what is it exactly that you think will ‘end my infatuation’ with you?” He bit out, his brow furrowing, “What terrible trait about you is going to send me running for the hills, Natsuko? I know what I want. And I know you, Natsuko.”

She sighed, “You can’t—”

He cut her off, “Yes I can, you-you horrible…gremlin!” He pointed at her, all decorum lost, his eyes practically ablaze.

“E-Excuse me?” she stuttered angrily, but he carried on.

“Hairy gremlin. Self-centered brat.” He began counting on his fingers, “A poor loser.” She startled, eyes flashing angrily up at him, mouth falling agape. “And a poor winner, too.”

“You wouldn’t know!” She retorted angrily, standing on her toes to get into his face.

“And you’re rude! You’re shrill when you don’t get your way, and you eat like a warrior twice your size. You carry petty grudges long after they cease to matter--”

She surged forward angrily, “You can stop anytime you—"

He shouted over her, “You say I can’t make my own decisions, but you’re just as rash! You act like a little kid and get away with it, because you’re so smart it always pays off for you! It’s infuriating. You literally saved an entire kingdom from ruin with no plan at all! Do you not understand how incredible that is?”

She startled, not expecting the complient. He was running his hand through his hair distractedly again, getting properly worked up now, “You care so much, but you never let anyone see it because you’re afraid you’re going to fail them, and you can’t handle disappointing the people you love! You act like a reprobate to throw people off guard, but when you do actually care about someone, you literally change their lives, Natsuko! Destiny, Memmelm, Justice…a-and me.” He swallowed roughly, “All of them changed and helped by you. How can you not see it?”

Now that he was going, it was like he couldn’t stop. It spilled out of him like he’d wanted to say it all along. Like the words had been held back only long enough to find this moment of honesty. “Your passion is infectious. It’s impossible not to get caught up in it. Everything you do, you do with so much joy. And you’re so confident about it all while you do it. I can hardly believe it wasn’t just your intention that I fall so hopelessly in love with you. No effort at all. You only had to peek your eyes out of that ridiculous hair once—” He flushed, cutting himself off, “Natsuko, I can never tell what insane thing you’re going to do next, but I know you.”

Her face was long past red, words completely gone, gaping at him like an idiot. He continued, ignoring her distress, “You think I can’t possibly love you, but only an idiot would know you and not fall in love with you. Idiot.”

His face was equally as flushed and his eyes were wet, whether from embarrassment or emotion she couldn’t tell, “If I went back home without you—I’d be making the second biggest mistake of my life.  The first literally destroying the world, if that gives you even a small inkling of how seriously I’ve thought about this.” He leaned forward to meet at eye level, getting into her face. “I know what I’m doing. I know you and I know what I want.” If she leaned forward only inches their faces would touch. Her eyes darted down to his mouth.

If he registered the movement, he didn’t show it. He put his hands on either side of her head, trapping her, “I think you’re scared, Natsuko. You’re scared that we’re not going to work out. But it’s not me that’s unsure. It’s you.”

The air between them was electric. She dared to suck in a breath and only now did his eyes track it, lingering on her lips. There was a pause as they considered each other. Her body felt hot, even without her oversized sweatshirt.

His eyes darted up to her eyes, then back down to her mouth. “I…” He whispered, leaned in minutely. Her eyelids fluttered. “I…”

She felt a rush of air. She opened eyes she didn’t realize were closed. Abruptly, he’d backed completely out of her space, “I can’t be here.”

What?

He turned with his back to her and looked down and away at nothing, shoulders up by his red ears, hiding his face behind his curtain of sunshine hair, “When you figure out what you want—” He swallowed roughly, “--let me know.” He marched across the apartment away from her. The back of his neck was bright red. He paused at the front door, deliberately not turning back to face her. “I made you dinner, it’s in the magic ice box,” he said, and swiftly exited, shutting the door quietly behind him. She wished he had slammed it.

She looked at the place where he’d been a long time after he left, the kettle finally screaming out the way she couldn’t.

~*~

The sun was beginning to set when she opened the fridge blankly, staring where he’d left her dinner. ‘I <3 YOU!’ the little note stuck to the top said cheerfully. She picked it up, quietly contemplating it before a tear slipped down her cheek. Then another. Then all of them, escaping from her control in a devastating tidal wave. That’s where Memmelm and Unio found her, standing in front of the open fridge like a fool, silently weeping.

“We’re back! How was—” They paused, taking her in.

She picked her head up to look at them and the silent weeping turned into loud wails. “I fucked it!” Memmelm and Unio each backed up a step, startled. She knew she was acting like a child, just like he said, and she didn’t care. “I messed it up so bad Memmelm!” She reached out her arms and locked them around the shocked elf, burying her face in her hair.

Memmelm awkwardly patted her on the shoulders, looking desperately at Unio, who, from behind Natsuko’s back, violently gestured his refusal to intervene. “There, there…” she mumbled unconvincingly, barely heard over the sound of Natsuko’s low moaning.

“Where’s Luke?” Unio looked around at the apartment. Then he turned to her, face full of suspicion and heaving an angry sigh, “…What did you do, you idiot?”

Natsuko wailed harder and Memmelm threw a glare at him. She led the sobbing mess to the sofa, sitting her down while Natsuko still clung to her. “Tell us what happened please, Natsuko.”

She whined out, not raising her head, “Luke left. I told him he couldn’t stay here and he needed to go back to Last City.”

Shocked, Memmelm grasped her firmly by the shoulders and pulled her up to look at her, “Why would you do that? Don’t you want him to stay?”

“Of course I do!” Her cries were getting increasingly more pitiful, coming in short bursts between gasps, “But I can’t let him throw away everything he loves for me. I told him he couldn’t possibly love me enough to be worth it. But he—but he said…that I was the one who didn’t love him enough and then he…he left…”

“You have to be joking!”

She looked up to see Unio stomping towards them. “You can’t keep doing this to him,” he said sternly.

“Doing what?? I haven’t done anything but be honest with him!” She raised her head, her wet face glaring at Unio.

“Honest? You’re even denser than he is.” She sputtered her objections, but was overruled, “All he’s tried to do since he got here is convince you to let him stay! I can’t believe you. Get out from behind your hair and stop being an idiot!”

He continued, huffing at her, “He wouldn’t shut up about how he was going to find you for two years. He was disgustingly single-minded. I had to party with Justice—I got alcohol poisoning!! And he finally, finally, makes it here and you haven’t so much as kissed!” He threw up his hands.

“Th-that’s private!!” she sputtered, pointing at him.

“You think I don’t know?? It’s an endless parade of ‘Unio, have her feelings for me waned?’” He deepened his voice and adopted a surprisingly adept imitation of Luke,“—and, ‘Unio, how can I show her my love? Maybe I’m not being clear enough,’ and ‘Unio, do you think it’s possible she’s fallen for another? I can fight for her, I brought my dueling sword—there’s no chance he’s as formidable a warrior as I am.’ It’s maddening. Every night, I have to sit there and tell him to give it time, that I’m sure it’s just very sudden and you’ll come around, and then you do this?”

He grabbed his apartment key bracelet and slipped it on, “And the worst part is I know you love him. It’s written all over your disgustingly mushy face.” He started walking towards the door, “Now I have to go find him and talk him up again. I’m tired of doing this for you—I don’t even like you! I don’t know what your problem is, but figure it out! Luke is my best friend and this is the last free pass I’m giving you. And it’s only because you saved the world--otherwise I’d kick your stupid butt.” He threw a last glare in her direction, leaving in a huff and slamming the door behind him.

Memmelm and Natsuko blinked at the door where Unio exited.

“I…” Natsuko started, then paused. “Memmelm…am I an idiot?”

Memmelm flashed her a fond smile, “If you are then so is Luke.”

She took a deep breath. “I have to talk to him.”

“Yes, you do.”

“And I have to—be honest—about my feelings.”

“Yes.”

Natsuko cringed, “Why is that so hard?”

Memmelm studied her, “You spent the entire time you were in Last City trying to save him. And when you finally realized your own feelings, you were separated. You’ve spent the last two years without him, but instead of searching for a way to reunite, you’ve been living your life.”

Natsuko interrupted, “Yeah, but I—”

Memmelm held up a hand. “This is not a judgment on you. I don’t think you thought it was possible to meet again. It shouldn’t have been based on everything we know. I think you did what was best for you…to protect yourself.” Natsuko looked down at her hands, feeling weepy again. Memmelm continued kindly, “But after two years bandaging your heart and trying to forget—it’s completely normal for you to be afraid to unwrap the bindings.”

Natsuko was doing a lot of crying today, “But Luke…I hurt him and--Memmelm we’re running out of time.”

“Then maybe it is time to be brave.” The elf rested her hand on Natsuko’s shoulder, looking at her with the mixture of kindness and patience normally reserved for children. Strangely, that didn’t make Natsuko feel insulted. Only reminded her of how long Memmelm had lived and how many other conversations she’d probably had like this. She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around her neck in a tight hug.

“Thank you, Memmelm.”

She hugged her back, then pushed her away. “Anytime. But you need to go find Luke before he overthinks himself into a panic.” They both laughed, Natsuko wiping the tears from her face.

“I can do that.”

~*~

Luke had been walking for hours. He knew he should stop. He knew he was going to have trouble finding his way back. But the distance made him feel better. The steps--one after the other, monotonous--gave his overrun mind something safe to focus on.

If Natsuko doesn’t love me…what do I do?

No. Keep stepping forward. Don’t think about it. Don’t fall apart in front of all these strangers.

Everywhere he turned there was another person. The city was full of them in a way that Last City had not been. Sure, there were always people, but Last City was small, and outside of the walls there was only field stretching on farther than the eye could follow. What he wouldn’t give for an empty patch of grass right now. Or really just any private space. His mind automatically went back to his kitchen back home and he felt a lurch of homesickness he hadn’t let himself acknowledge until now.

I wish Justice was here.

Justice would know what to do and how to do it. He knew about women—in a way Luke had never learned to. He’d spent a lot of nights with Justice after the war was over just talking about Natsuko and Destiny--Destiny and Justice having married shortly after peace had settled. Justice never minded it the way Unio did. And Justice never looked at him with pity like Memmelm any time Natsuko was brought up.

If he were here…he’d probably tell him he was hopeless and to give up. Because he was an ass. But then he’d follow it up with little nudges of true wisdom. It doesn’t matter if you know about women, it only matters if you know about Natsuko. Not bad, as far as imagined advice went. Natsuko was so unlike other women, honestly unlike any other person period, that it was unlikely any prior knowledge would even be useful. Small, hairy gremlin indeed.

He cracked a small smile, but then immediately felt a wave of embarrassment and cringed to himself. Why, why did he think insulting her to her face was a bright and good thing to do?

You’re a brat and you’re self-centered.

He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged. Someone please put him out of his misery.

She is a brat...but I like it. She makes me laugh.

Why couldn’t he have said that? Smiles came so much easier to him now than they ever had. Something that used to be so precious he’d mark the occasion was now an everyday occurrence. He had her to thank for that—and he hadn’t even gotten around to telling her. Instead he’d yelled at her and ran away like a coward.

He couldn’t keep running. Well, he could, but he shouldn’t. He’d found himself in an area with a few trees now anyway, and it was as good a place as any. Paved pathways ran in between them, separating large patches of green grass. There were still dozens of people-- running, walking, being escorted by tiny beasts--but at least it was quiet. He flopped himself at the trunk of one of the bigger trees and rested his back against it. If he closed his eyes it was almost like he was back beyond the walls of Last City. He listened for the high pitched hum of the Soul Future…but of course it wasn’t there. Only the rustling of leaves as the wind drifted past him, picking up his hair and clothing, before moving on.

You can’t tell me you’ve thought about this as thoroughly as you need to!

He heaved a sigh and opened his eyes again, staring up into the canopy like it had all the answers. He was confident in his decision, but maybe she had a point. He’d only been here a few weeks and he was already searching for his home in this strange new place. It would be easier to swallow if he wasn’t looking beyond what she was saying and reading into what she wasn’t saying.

I love you, Luke.

But did she still. His affection had only grown in the years they’d been apart, but she seemed to have moved on. He flinched remembering how she’d moved away when he’d gone to kiss her moments after they first met eyes across the street the day he’d arrived. She’d looked—well, surprised, unsurprisingly. But not upset. Not angry. Happy even.

I missed you, Luke.

The whispered conversation between them that first night had felt so right. He’d found the peace and laughter he’d been searching for all this time. It was in each glance, each smile. It wrapped around him as snugly as his borrowed blanket. He had been so warm and content, even on the floor, looking up at her in bed. Her eyes had shone in the darkness, reflecting the many lights of this world’s heavens and earth. He’d wanted to kiss her so badly, but he remembered his first attempt and couldn’t find the courage.

But god he wanted to know how it felt. He’d come so close in the kitchen that he’d had to remove himself from the apartment entirely. And she’d looked…she’d looked like she wanted to know, too. He took a shaky breath.

Was that just wishful thinking? Or was she only attracted to him physically, but didn’t want to be with him? How completely devastating that would be.

Women back home had liked the way he looked, too. But none of them had fought with him, and praised his cooking, and laughed at him. And then with him.

Ughhh… he leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

If Natsuko doesn’t love me…

He felt sick. It was one thing to love someone. It was another to spend two entire years trying desperately to get back to them. Who was he without her? He immediately knew that thought was concerningly unhealthy, but he couldn’t stop it coming through anyway. Back home, he’d been lauded as a hero, the people rejoiced and danced and celebrated. Children were born to parents who were too scared to take the chance before. Young love bloomed in the easy aftermath that let them be young. Soldiers laid down their weapons and retired, learning to live again without fear and pouring into spaces being newly made for them. And Luke, well—there was no place for the boy turned hero, turned void, and back again. People greeted him in the street, but did not invite him into their homes. Even if he hadn’t become a horrible monster, he was a reminder of the war that everyone wanted to forget. Last City had moved on without him. He found himself itchy in the peace left behind. But isn’t that what he’d wanted?

Unio had tried to help him. They’d had plans, they were going to see the world. Everything had changed for Luke with Natsuko’s disappearance, but for his best friend, he’d made the effort. They travelled with all nine heroes and escorted them to their kingdoms, celebrating with them in the places where they were born. He met their families and friends, ate their food, and learned their customs. He rejoiced in their presence, their life that he’d thought snuffed out forever. But he couldn’t stop the sinking feelings from creeping in. There were times when someone would laugh loudly and brightly, and he’d instantly feel cold inside. Happy on the exterior, but still and silent as deep water within. He was grateful, so grateful, that they had been saved, that they could laugh and love and live, but he felt like there was a barrier between him and everyone else, no matter where he went. With the effort of hiding it and the strain of keeping it in, he quickly found himself back in Last City, their trip ended after only four months.  

He finally confided in Unio, who, forever loyal, only asked how he could help. He reasoned that if peace wouldn’t find him--instead of learning to seek it--he’d throw himself into searching for Natsuko, knowing intrinsically that he’d find it with her. She’d left a hole in his world that could not be filled—not by anyone or anything else--so he would find her. There was no other option.

It was obvious to him now that he’d used his search for Natsuko as an excuse to run away from yet more problems he could not face. As brave as he was cutting down enemies, he was a coward in all of the rest of the ways that mattered. Luke wouldn’t—couldn’t stop running. The alternative was laying down and giving up, skin itching in the unnatural stillness of not-peace. His dreams the only place where stillness could not be found, where his friends died over and over and Natsuko disappeared from his arms.

But now he was here and he was still running.

I missed you, too.

~*~

She spotted him by the way the setting sunlight hit his hair. There was no mistaking that flash of gold. She would swear that he’d brought some color-magic from his animated world into hers, because no one’s hair was naturally that molten.

His head was hidden in his arms, arms on his knees, and his back rested against a large oak. She approached slowly, still unsure of what she was going to say and desperate to not hurt him more than she already had. For a moment, she just watched him, the rise and fall of his breath, the strain evident in his back and arms, betraying the tension that lurked underneath despite her being unable to see his face. He looked…

Pitiful. She felt a stab of guilt acutely in her chest. She’d really fucked this up.

She took a few more steps toward him and then ripped the band aid off, unceremoniously collapsing herself next to him. She avoided looking at him, instead studying the changing color of the sky to give him the space to notice her and put himself together. She heard a shuffle and a sniffle and snuck a peek from the corner of her eye, Luke was adjusting his posture and running his sleeve over his face, face flushed. She looked away for another beat to give him more privacy.

When she looked back, he had his hands clasped in his lap, fidgeting anxiously as he raised his gaze to hers. He didn’t say anything, instead studying her face nervously, waiting for her to say something.

“So…” she started. Nothing else would come to her. “So I…um,” painfully, she looked away from him. Now she was fidgeting. The silence stretched out for a few moments.

His voice cut through the awkward pause, rougher than normal, “It’s—” He stopped to clear his throat before continuing, no longer looking at her “It’s ok, really. There’s no reason for you to continue to struggle with this. I, ah…” He made a sound that was more of an exhale than a laugh. He smiled slightly with his mouth, but with none of the rest of his face.

“I understand if your feelings have changed. It has been a long time and I shouldn’t have expected—”

“No!” She reached out both her hands to refute his words. Several heads around them turned towards her at her outburst. She continued, quieter, “…no, that’s not it.”

His expression was pleading, when he whirled to face her, “Then what, Natsuko? Please help me to understand, because I’m—” He placed one fist over his heart, “I’m trying to. I want to.” His eyes were the biggest she’d ever seen them and completely paralyzing.

“I’m scared!” she rushed out, eyes flitting between his and unable to look away. “I’m scared you’re going to regret choosing me. Or sometimes I’m scared you’re going to disappear?”

His face softened, lips pressed together in a thin line, “Natsuko...”

“No, I know, I know logically neither of us will probably fade away and get shipped off to another plane of existence again, but I—I don’t know if all of me knows that? This whole situation seems so impermanent. Like more of a dream than something actually happening and I’m just worried that…” She searched desperately for the words, trying to communicate as honestly as possible. I have to talk to him.

She looked down at her hands. “It hurt so much the first time. I don’t know if I can handle that…again…” She refused to cry twice in one day.

She could feel his gaze on her. He let out a long breath and relaxed against the oak tree, releasing some of the tension she’d seen coiled in his body.

“You know…Unio had to force me to leave my room after you were taken.” She looked up at him, surprised. “I hadn’t left it in four days. He’d started forcing his way in and making me eat before he’d leave me in peace. He finally got so frustrated with me he asked me if this was what was going to make Luke Braveheart finally give up. And if so, that I didn’t deserve you, anyway.”

She scoffed with a smile. Sounded like him.

“I punched him.”

“What?”

He laughed, “Right in the face. Of course he punched me right back—we hadn’t fought like that since we were kids, but it didn’t stop us from roughing each other up before Destiny pulled us apart. Chingosman was furious when he saw us covered in bruises, but Admiral laughed and said it was good to see me fight again.” He had turned to watch the sunset and his eyes looked far away.

“I told Unio I was sorry, but he told me not to be. He said seeing my eyes in that room was the closest he’d seen me to becoming a void since the day you disappeared. And it didn’t matter if he’d gotten a few bruises, ‘less than you by the way,’” he mimicked, laughing, “as long as it kept the light in them.”

He sat up and gently took her hand, turning back to look at her, “I’m terrified, Natsuko. I was a wreck when you disappeared and I’ve spent every minute of the last two years searching for you. I’m in a new world, I don’t understand your customs. I don’t know how to be someone in this world that you can be proud of. I’m worried you’ve moved on--or you’ll realize I’m actually just a liability.”

She started to dispute him, but he shook his head, “Wait, please. I want you to know it’s not just you. It’s ok to be scared,” he paused. “I just need to know that there’s something here. I just need to know that you…” He took a deep breath and spread his fingers, moving them down her wrist and closing, pulling her hand toward him and placing it on his heart, “I just need to know you feel this, too.”

His heart was thumping rapidly under her fingers. She bit her lip and took his other hand, placing it on her chest, where her heart was currently hammering against the bars of its enclosure. His eyes widened a fraction and then he smiled brightly, eyes a little wet as he let the emotion break through the façade he’d been trying to keep up.

“Okay,” he whispered.

“Okay,” she whispered back.

~*~

[FYI this is probably where I would actually end this chapter if I wrote this out to be a whole thing. Howeverrr, self-indulgent romance coming up because it's fun.]

~*~

There was a moment where they both just took the other in, faces smiling and eyes a bit swollen. Luke’s eyes traced all over her face leisurely, as if trying to commit each angle to memory. He probably was. He lingered on her mouth only a moment longer than the rest of her face, but she couldn’t help but clock it. She took in a sharp breath.

Then maybe it is time to be brave.

“Luke?”

“Mm?” he was still smiling serenely at her, hand still holding hers over his chest.

“Can I kiss you?”

Luke froze instantly, even his heart stuttered for a moment before kicking into a frenzy. “I--Y-You… want to? With me? I mean, yes, yes. You have no idea.. But you don’t have to—”

“Please. I want to.”

His entire face immediately turned bright red, but the shocked look on his face warmed into something soft and hesitant.

Longing.

“I’ve never…” he stopped, “But I want to.” Please, his eyes seemed to say.

Her face softened, “Then let me show you.”

She scooted closer to him, their hands still entwined over each other’s chests. She felt, more than heard, him take a shaky inhale as she leaned forward. Their eyes were still partly open, gazes locked on each other. She freed her hand on her own chest and reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. He took a sharp inhale and waited, his entire body poised for permission.

She closed the distance, gently brushing her lips over his and pressing in for a short, sweet kiss. Fireworks erupted behind her now closed eyes. She tingled from her fingertips to her toes and back again. She was already in trouble. She started pulling away, not wanting to get carried away with his very first kiss.

But Luke was absolutely not finished. In a move that surprised her, he smoothed the hand not on her chest up her neck and rested it behind her jaw to guide her into a fiercer, more desperate meeting of their mouths. She let out a squeak and he gasped, angling his head to chase another sensation. Completely surrendering to the feeling, she reached up to tangle her fingers into his molten hair and he full on moaned against her mouth. She whimpered in response.

This was getting completely out of hand. She panted and he took the opportunity to test his tongue briefly against her mouth. Another moan escaped her and she tried desperately to stop herself, but her tongue licked into his mouth without full authorization from the rest of her. Her hands were gripping his hair now, pulling slightly to get him where she wanted him. A high pitched noise escaped him and kept escaping him as he pulled his hair taught against her fingers, reaching for her to prolong this pleasure as long as possible.

“Wait…wait,” she whispered, trying to pull back. He nodded, but was still pressing forwards towards her. She grabbed the roots of his hair and yanked.

A loud desperate sound escaped him and they both froze at the noise, carrying much farther than intended. She very suddenly realized they had an audience of giggling onlookers. Luke was breathing hard, flushed all the way down to his chest where his shirt was pushed slightly open by her traitorous hand. Did she do that? He didn’t even look like he noticed they were being observed.

She buttoned him up hastily and grabbed his hand.

“Come on, let’s find somewhere more private,” she said, hauling him swiftly along. He looked briefly extremely alarmed and interested, looking at her intently with fire behind his eyes. “Not for that!” she hissed, swatting at him, face hot.

He smiled, slightly dazed, “Sorry,” he whispered, not sounding sorry at all.

“Luke!”

Which is when Eddie's world turns on it's head.

Mark is HIV+ Has been for a few months probably, and dropped off the earth when he found out. Almost everyone at the club and in the local community knows him, but can't find him, and are honestly pretty mad at him for vanishing like that. It left them to have to have conversations like this.

Mark wasn't entirely slutting it up, but he'd hooked up with quite a few people; the community is trying to work a list so they can find everyone.

Eddie, at least, was one of the certain ones, and one they knew would show up in the club.

And Shaun tries to make him feel better, because yes, its terrifying, yes, this is bad, but the club has a bowl of condoms, and if they were safe, then the risk is very very low. Eddie still needs to get tested, but the risk is very low. It's less than 1% if they were safe.*

Except they weren't always safe. Mostly. Not always. They'd been doing it a while, shared some trust, neither had any of symptoms of anything, STD or otherwise. That makes it more likely. And the stats are for Each time. Eddie knows how probability works, and how many times he and Mark had sex, and knows that the odds are not great. Luck has never been on his side.

Eddie sleeps in his van that night so he can go to the clinic in the morning to get tested. Using the word sleep loosely, since he spent most of it flipping between furious, terrified, and worried for Mark. There's no way that Mark would have kept hooking up with him if he'd known, and like Shaun said, Mark has now vanished, which can't be good for him.

After he leaves the clinic, Eddie considers staying in Indy, sleeping in his car, and hiding from everyone back in Hawkins. That doesn't make sense because they're going to call his house with the results, but he can't think. He knows they know he's gay, but he never actually told them. And if he goes back, someone is going to notice if he's being weird, and he'd have to come out, and admit to this at the same time.

Eventually, he calls Robin from a payphone. She came out to the group over the summer, and he knows the stories about how much lesbians have supported gay men during this. He would have freaked out that she would freak out about it (think rabies) but he's too distracted and scared. She picks up, and he just starts talking. Word vomit. Comes out, talks about going to Indy, calls himself a slut, tells her about Mark, tells her what Shaun said.

There's a weird silence, and then she tells him to get home. Get back to Hawkins.

He's grateful for someone telling him what to do. Drives back way faster than he should have.

He's barely gotten his van parked when the trailer door opens, not that he's looking at it. Its too much, and being back home makes it feel closer for some reason. Which means that it's Robin who pulls open the van door to get to him.

Except.

That's not just Robin.

Steve, who was in Robin's room when Eddie called and has been freaking the fuck out since he overheard, pulls him out of the van and directly into a hug between both of them.

(I don't know how to proceed, so I'm stopping here)