#noshes4nerds

It’s lemony, it’s grassy, but it’s neither lemon nor grass! Though this fragrant and calming herb is common in things like tea, Thai food, and scented things, the best way to have lemongrass is nice and fresh! Though a stalk or two of the fresh stuff might seem intimidating to first-timers, I’m gonna teach you the secrets of preparing this gratifying grass. 1. Cut off the bottom and then everything after 3-4in from the bottom 2. Pound with a meat tenderizer 3. Remove the rough and fibrous layers to access the tender layers inside 4. Do whatever the heck you want with it!

Lemme bring you late 90′s kids back to a simpler time. You guy’s remember Fairly Oddparents, right? How could you not?! It was practically a staple of animated humor for anyone growing up in the early 2000′s.  Fairly Odd Parents was the fairly odd story of a little boy named Timmy Turner who, after suffering under the duress of neglectful parents and an abusive babysitter becomes the magical godchild of Cosmo and Wanda, his assigned fairy godparents. Fairly Odd Parents was an ....interesting show, to say the least. In it’s golden age, it was the king of biting, bizarre and at times absurd humor. There were aliens that were petrified of anything soft and adorable. There were business pixies that  corporatized anything they touched. There were adolescent genetically altered karate cows! The wilder the wish, the wilder Timmy’s adventures became. But we aren’t here to talk about Timmy Turner and his magical adventures. Today we address Timmy’s ever-present problem that is Mr. Crocker. Part time schoolteacher and full time crackpot mad-scientist, Crocker spends most of his days ranting about and trying to capture Timmy’s fairies. One day, thanks in no small part to the almighty magical powers of an enchanted  ‘ Fairy-versary’ muffin, he succeeds. 

Crocker, the vain and unstable madman he is, uses his newfound magical power to turn the entire world into a hellish dystopian autocracy that he rules over as a god-king. One of his first acts as king of the planet was to change everything edible into his favorite food, shrimp puffs. So in honor of our supreme overlord, I’ve cooked up a batch myself.  These little beauties are the perfect appetizer for any occasion. Who could resist a sumptuous nugget of flaky puff pasty, savory scallion and cream cheese filling, and a big ol’ juicy shrimp? Admittedly, they came out a bit more like small savory croissants, but as long as its a savory shrimp pastry, it should satisfy our ear-necked overlord! This recipe serves 12 Crocker-slaves. 

Adventurers, we have arrived at the Sami thicket, home of noble Spriton clan of Gelfling. The Spriton Clan are expert gardeners, known for mastery over the soil as potent as the Dousan clan’s mastery over spiritual matters. They are the clan from which everyone’s favorite soup-maker, Kylan, hails from.

Creating a dish to represent this clan was easy, as Kylan has provided us with an example of Spriton cuisine, his famous and meme-worthy green broth. I have decided to recreate that oft-quoted soup, going instead for something with a texture closer to a bisque (despite containing no shellfish). This bisque can be used as a side dish, or can be consumed as a meal given an extra can of chickpeas.

This recipe serves four Spriton soup-slingers. 

(for a vegetarian soup, substitute the chicken brother for vegetable vroth)

TOOLS: 

Blender

Pan

Large pot

Spatula

Baking Spatula

Knife

Cutting board

Measuring spoons

Liquid measuring cup

Wine bottle opener

Ladel

INGREDIENTS:

1-2 15 oz cans of chickpeas

2  6oz bags of spinach

2.5 oz of goat cheese (1/2 a 5oz package)

1/2 a sweet onion

2 tbsp olive oil

3 cups low sodium chicken broth

1 cup dry white wine

4 cloves of garlic

1 tsp dried basil (or a tbsp fresh basil)

1/2  tsp rubbed sage

1/2 tsp dried parsley 

1 tsp balsamic vinegar

1 tsp kosher salt

1 tbsp plain greek yogurt

Pam/cooking spray

Balsamic glaze(optional)

Slice 1/2 of your sweet onion. Spray a pan with cooking spray and heat to medium heat. Add the onions and saute until browned.

 Add onions your blender. Rinse and drain the chickpeas and add to blender. 

Add the spinach ( a little at a time), the chicken broth, and a tbsp of olive oil. Blend until smooth. 

Add the wine, Greek yogurt, and goat cheese and blend until smooth.Add second tbsp of oil to soup pot, Add spinach mixture and heat over medium heat. 

Grate four cloves of garlic into the soup and stir until combined.

 Stir in kosher salt, basil, sage, parsley, and vinegar. Bring soup to a boil for two minutes. 

Reduce heat to low and cover. Allow the soup to simmer for 30 minutes. Serve with an optional squeeze of balsamic glaze. 

Ah, Mad Max: Fury Road. So colorful, so explosive, so filled with female empowerment! I’ve been itching to include my favorite film on this blog in some form or fashion. Unfortunately, I’ve had a bit of a hang up. Mad Max is a post-apocalyptic franchise. Food after  Armageddon  would be a rare and valuable commodity, even rare if your spending your After-Time in an irradiated Australian desert. What food would such a place offer besides a handful of likely venomous insects and reptiles, cans from the Old World, and eating your fellow man?

Fortunately, Fury Road offers a solution; two in fact. You could be a warrior woman of the Vuvalini, a tribe of bad-ass bikers who are expert agriculturalists. But not even the Vuvalini could fight the Earth’s decay, as radiation and pollution poisoned their water source and left their lush gardens a lifeless bog where only carrion crows dwell.

Or.. you could be Citadel elite. Lead by the ruthless warlord Immortan Joe, the Citadel boasted three gigantic pillars of sandstone, each capped with gardens fed by the aquifer that laid below. Gotta keep those crazy death-cultists fed somehow. But what sort of crops would the Citadel’s gardens be growing anywho? This part I left to science(here’s the source: (https://www.gardeningknowhow.com/edible/vegetables/vgen/vegetables-in-the-desert.htm) . It’s not entirely impossible to grow food in a desert, you just have to know which food to grow. For this recipe, I’ve selected a few hearty favorites, including beans, potatoes, and eggplant. Of course, your average kami-crazy War Boy would need a bit more protein to keep his boomstick-throwing arms strong, so I’ve added buttermilk and bone broth (from chickens and cows. The world may be going downhill now, but we need not resort to cannibalism).  This recipe serves four famished road warriors:

Spatula

Ladle

Liquid Measuring cup

Measuring spoons

Strainer

Large knife

Cutting Board

Can Opener

Hand grater

2 Medium pans

Cooking Spray

Powerful blender

Potato brush (optional) 

INGREDIENTS

2 15oz cans of white beans (your choice)

12 oz cubed butternut squash

1 medium eggplant

1 large gold/red potato

1 medium onion

20 oz chicken or beef bone broth

1 and 1/2 cup buttermilk (I used fat free buttermilk)

3 cloves of garlic

3 tbsp olive oil

2 tsp rosemary

1 tbsp powdered sage

1 tsp dried oregano

1 tsp kosher salt

Wash and cut the eggplant into 1in thick rounds. 

Wash, skin and dice the onion. 

Heat one tbsp of oil over medium heat. Add the onions and and cook until browned (about 3 minutes). 

Remove the onions from heat. In your second pan, add a tbsp of oil. Add eggplant rounds and cook over high heat until soft and slightly charred on the outside.( I like to try for both at the same time, but beginners may want to cook each vegetable separately). Remove the eggplants from heat and cool in the fridge for 30 minutes. To speed up the process, put the eggplant rounds in the freezer for 15 minutes. When the eggplant rounds are cool, remove them from the freezer, peel off the skin, and put one half of the eggplant into the blender. Drain both cans of beans. Rinse them in your strainer. Add three quarters of your beans to the blender with half your butternut squash and all the rosemary. Add all the bone broth.  Blend all ingredients until slightly smooth. Add the bean mixture to your pot with the last tbsp of oil. Wash your potato and pat dry (wash it with a potato brush if you want to eat the skin). Cube the potato and add it to the soup with the other half of the squash. Grate 3 cloves of garlic into the soup. Add  the salt. Bring the soup a boil over medium-high heat.

 Add a cup and a half of buttermilk, the other half of the onions, the remaining eggplant, and the remaining beans to the soup. Add the sage and oregano and reduce the heat to low. Cover the soup and let simmer for 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Uncover the soup and simmer for another 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Serve immediately.

Culinary creations from the world of Thra continue. During our edible adventures, we find ourselves in the Swamp of Sog, home to the fierce, tree dwelling Drenchen clan of Gelfings. The Drenchen Clan is the clan from which the Gelfing insurgent Gurjin hails.They are the only Gelfings that are as capable of living in water as they are on land, for they’re the only Gelfings with gills as well as lungs and wings more adapted to swimming than flying. So, my first thought when approaching a potential cuisine for this swampy clan was swampy food. Now what kinds of animals can one find in murky marsh water? Insects, amphibians, and reptiles of course! Keeping that in mind, I have chosen to make a meal of the humble Mudhopper, or as we on Earth call them, the frog. I’ve ended up with a rich, hearty, and savory meal that would endear anyone to this most unusual of proteins. Alongside the legs, I’ve included a couple side dishes. This recipe feeds three Gelfling adventurers, or two very hungry Gelfling, with veggies and tubers to spare, or course. WARNING: This is a 2.5-3 hour recipe TOOLS: Large bowl (for marinating frog legs) Parchment paper, Baking sheet Two pans Liquid measuring cup Solid measuring cups and spoons plate 1 meat knife 1 paring knife 1 chef’s knife 1 hand greater

Food processor Tinfoil Small baking dish Oven

Toaster oven INGREDIENTS: For Potato side dish: Cooking Spray 1 small bag of baby golden potatoes or fingerling potatoes 1.5 Tbsp Olive Oil Salt and Pepper to taste For the Vegetable side dish: 1 Large King Oyster Mushroom 1 Large Chinese Eggplant 2 Shallots 1/4 Sweet onion 1 tbsp olive oil 1/4 Cup White Wine

Herbs de Provence (optional) For the Frog’s Legs: 1 and 1/2 lbs Frog Legs (skinless) 2 cups of milk ( or plant based milk, if you’re lactose intolerant) 3 tbsp of flour ( or gluten free flour) 1 and 1/2 cup of white wine 1 tbsp of Italian parsley 1 lemon

2 tbsp lemon juice 2 bulbs of garlic

2 tsp butter

Salt and pepper to taste. 

For your potatoes:

Preheat oven to 400 °F (   204.444 Celsius). Thoroughly wash your baby potatoes. Pat them dry and slice each in half. Line baking sheet with parchment paper and spray with cooking spray. Rub your potatoes down with olive oil till evenly coated. Salt and pepper to your liking. Roast your potatoes from 40-60 minutes or until golden brown and slightly crispy. For the veggies: 

Wash the mushrooms, shallots, onion, and eggplant.  Slice 1/4 of the sweet onion as well as all the shallots.

 Slice the eggplant into 1/4 inch rounds. Cube the mushrooms.

 Heat oil to medium heat. Add eggplants and cook till slightly squishy, stirring occasionally to prevent burning.

 Add the mushrooms and saute until slightly browned, stirring occasionally to prevent burning.  Add onions and shallots and cook until slightly browned. Add the wine and stir until the wine has boiled off and all the veggies are glazed. 

For the frog legs: In a large bowl, add your milk and frog legs until the legs are covered. Marinate in the fridge for 1 hour, turning the legs 30 minutes in.

 While marinating the legs, prepare the garlic bulbs by slicing the tops of, removing the papery outer skin, and rubbing them in olive oil. Place your garlic bulbs on a small, greased, tinfoil lined baking sheet and roast in your toaster oven at 400 °F for 40 minutes.Remove garlic bulbs from toaster oven and cool for 10 minutes.  Remove outer skin from roasted cloves and set cloves aside.Grate the skin off of your lemon (zest it), directly into the food processor.

 Add roasted garlic cloves, parsley, and lemon juice. Pulse until smooth.  After your hour has passed, remove the legs from the milk and pat dry. On a plate, rub the legs down in flour.Heat butter and 1 tbsp of oil in the pan over medium heat. Add the legs and cook for 2 minutes.

 Add another tbsp of oil and flip the legs, cooking for 2 minutes.

 Add the third tbsp of oil, half,the parsley mixture, and the wine. Simmer the frogs in the wine for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally.   

Turn up the heat slightly and cook until the sauce becomes a thick and rich gravy. Top with leftover parsley mixture and serve with vegetables and potatoes.  

The edible journey through Thra continues! This time we venture into the depths of the Endless forest to the home of the Stonewood Clan. The Stonewood clan, the clan from which the rebel Gelfing Rian hails, are a collective of proud fighters and expert farmers. Many Stonewood comprised the hallowed Guard of the Crystal Castle. 

Unlike most of the other Gelfling clans featured in The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, there is actual some information to draw from when trying to ascertain the diet of these woodland warriors. Stonewood Gelfing favor Merkeeps, a kind of tuber, and peachberries, a kind of sweet and sour fruit that Skeksis find disgusting. With this in mind, I have created a dish that’s hearty, healthy, and liberally soaked with sweet-sour balsamic vinegar. 

If you’d like to make this vegan, substitute the chicken sausage for any kind of Italian vegan sausage. If you can’t find a purple sweet potato, feel free to use two orange ones. 

This recipe feeds 5 gelfling adventurers. 

TOOLS: 

2 pans

Peeler

Baking dish

Tin Foil

Spatula

Cooking Spray

Strainer

Small bowls

Measuring spoons

INGREDIENTS:

1 purple sweet potato

1 orange  medium/ large sweet potato

1 tsp garlic powder

3 cloves fresh garlic

1/2 sweet onion

2 shallots

1 15oz can of white beans (Cannelloni, Great Northern, exc..)

1/4 tsp paprika

2 bags spinach

5 Italian chicken/turkey sausages 

1 tbsp balsamic vinegar

3 tbsp olive oil

Salt to taste

 Preheat oven to 420 °F  ( 216 °C)  . 

Wash and peel your sweet potatoes and cut into rounds. Rub sweet potatoes with 1 tbsp olive oil 1/2 tsp garlic powder and paprika. Place potato rounds on a tin-foiled and greased baking sheet and bake for 30 minutes, or until slightly crispy on the outside but soft on the inside. Set potatoes aside when done. 

Slice sweet onions and shallots.

 Put 1 tbsp of olive oil in pan and turn heat to medium. Add onions and shallots and cook till translucent.

 Drain and rinse white beans and add to the pan. Cook for 2 minutes.

 Add the spinach and cook until the spinach wilts, mixing occasionally to incorporate the bean mixture. Add 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar and stir until the vinegar is incorporated. Set the spinach and bean mixture aside.

In your other pan, heat 1 tbsp olive oil over medium heat. Add the sausages. Cook sausages until cooked through. They should be browned on all sides and 165° Fahrenheit inside. This can be measured with a meat thermometer. 

Serve one sausage per plate on a bed of beans and spinach with a side of potatoes. 

This recipe pairs well with my Drunken Mushrooms, found beneath this recipe:

It corrupts everything it touches, including food! That’s right lovelies, my next patch of yummies will all be Dark Crystal themed. You know, that 80′s cult classic with these terrifying things:

AKA One of my favorite films. I am immensely grateful for the fact that the Powers That Be™ have graced us all with the unique and beautiful masterpiece of storytelling and practical effects that is :

(Everyone please watch it we NEED a Season 2)

Age of Resistance has gifted the world of the Dark Crystal with more lore, characters and world building than I can shake a Fizzgig at, but unfortunately it seems lacking in the edible department. This led me to ask some questions. Besides the decadent and grotesque feasts of the avian Skeksis and a bowl of Gelfling campfire broth, what else would the inhabitants of the world of Thra eat? Well, ladies and gents, I’m about to answer that question.

From now until the end of this little pet project of mine, I will be crafting a regional dish for every Gelfling clan, as well as one for the Skeksis, Mystics, and Gruenaks. 

Prepare to feast like a Lord of the Crystal!

Listen, I know you guys are are feeling froggy, but hear me out. Frog legs are really an underrated treat.  You like chicken wings, right? Everyone loves chicken wings! They’re juicy, crispy, but, they’re not all that healthy. Now let me put on my Morpheus glasses for a sec. 

 And that food is frog legs.  Now, you see, you can’t go about just eating the legs of any ol’ frog. Pick up the wrong one and you might just croak! All kidding aside, there’s only a handful of species of edible frogs, and these are gonna be the one’s you’ll find in store (or in the wild, if you like to grab your spear and go frog gigging) 

Taste: Chicken wings with the slightest flavor of a rich red fish, like salmon.

Possible Substitutes: Chicken wings, chicken thighs, turkey wings’