#normandy crew

Liara: Blue Mind Oracle by Jade Gretz

Joker’s got some thoughts about turian biology, and honestly? Same. If you want to see how much of a mess these two really are (and why Vakarian is officially the most stressful bird-man in the galaxy), you should definitely check out my latest update.

Read the full story here: My blue Star

Hope you guys get a kick out of this one!

We stepped into the elevator in a silence that Joker didn't even wait three seconds to break.

"Do you think it'll be like being in some cheap sci-fi horror flick?" Jeff asked, adjusting his cap as he watched the floor numbers climb. "Seriously, turians look freaking prehistoric monsters—no offense to our dear friend, of course..." His perverse banter was still going strong, clearly enjoying the discomfort he was stirring up. "...but they’ve got that bird-of-prey stamina. Maybe we’ll walk in and all that's left are Mara’s bones." He cracked a dark joke that made me clench my fists.

"Shut up, Joker," I growled, eyes fixed on the doors.

"I’m just saying biology is cruel, Commander," he continued, ignoring my order. "Garrus has plating where we have skin. It’s gotta be like screwing a rock, right?" God... why are you testing my patience, I pleaded silently.

"They have a predatory elegance," Kasumi interjected, appearing out of nowhere next to the control panel. "But deep down, they are creatures of habit and ritual."

Jack, who had been strangely quiet, placed a hand on my shoulder. Her touch was firm—a biotic anchor in the middle of my mental storm.

[NEW MESSAGES AS OF 00:00]

00:00- CHF. ZORAH: WAKE UP BOSHTETS ITS SHEPARDS BIRTHDAY

00:00- DR. SOLUS: Already sang human happy birthday song to her.

00:00- GO. VAKARIAN: I dont suppose I could convince you to teach me this song, doc?

00:01- DR. SOLUS: audio_attachment_human_birth_serenade

00:01- CHF. ZORAH: I picked up cake the last time we were on Illium

00:01- SPEC. JACK: it’s human tradition to smash cake into the birthday person’s face

00:01- CHF. ZORAH: i know you’re lying but i want to do that now

00:01- LT. TAYLOR: She’s not lying, it’s tradition and considered rude if you don’t

00:02- GO. VAKARIAN: Alright what’s the plan here? How about an ambush? Right outside her cabin?

00:02- LC. SHEPARD: im in this chat dumbasses

00:02- CHF. ZORAH: HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHEPPPPPPPPPP

00:02- SPEC. JACK: happy bday grandma

00:02- LT. TAYLOR: Happy birthday!

00:02- SPEC. KRIOS: best wishes to you, on your birthday, commander.

00:02- FLT. MOREAU: How much are you hating this, LC?

00:02- LC. SHEPARD: @JOKER I’d rather get ambushed by a cake to the face than for them to burst into song

00:02- SPEC. SAMARA: Happy birthday, my friend. There is no one I would rather wander the void with.

00:02- SPEC. GOTO: happy BDAY SHEP! left a surprise for you in your end table ;)

00:03- SPEC. GOTO: it’s turian condoms, from Mordin and I <3

00:03- GO. VAKARIAN: hey, i got her the same thing

00:03- SPEC. GRUNT: gross. i got battlemaster a present too

00:03- LC. SHEPARD: really, gifts aren’t necessary

00:03- SPEC. GRUNT: it is a gun mod

00:03- LC. SHEPARD: unless they’re mods. thanks grunt

00:04- SPEC. MASSANI: HA! We caked the lil bitch right between the eyes video_attachment_happy_birthday_shepard

00:04- XO. LAWSON: what in the— why are you all awake??? we have an op tomorrow GO TO SLEEP.

00:04- CHF. ZORAH: image_attachment_shepard_cake_face_HBD!

00:04- GO. VAKARIAN: she is such a majestic creature image_attachment_shepard_eating_cake_off_her_face_like_a_starving_varren

00:04- LT. TAYLOR: image_attachment_shepard_throwing_cake_at_crew

00:04- FLT. MOREAU: @LC at least they didn’t sing?

I love my crew and my ship and my bf (yes I’m a kaidan lover I didn’t know everyone hates him and I’m still not convinced by all the arguments why they do lmaoooooooo) and I don’t want to let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I keep putting off playing even though I wanna do the citadel DLC and finish the game but I just know I’ll be devastated and sad and have a huge hole to fill