VLDS7E4: The Feud!
Season 7 Episode 4: The Feud!
Transcript by @lasersheith
Summary: The Paladins somehow become contestants on the game show Garfle Warfle Snick, but they're playing for much more than cash and prizes.
[Google Doc]
[Scene opens on the set of a gameshow]
Announcer: Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of the craziest game in the galaxy: Garfle Warfle Snick.
[Audience cheers]
Announcer: And now here’s the host of Garfle Warfle Snick… Bob!
Bob: Thank you, Norlox. Hi, everybody. Welcome to another exciting edition of Garfle Warfle Snick, the game where anything you garfle will be warfled, and vice versa. I’m Bob. Now let’s meet the intergalactic goofballs we’ve got playing with us today.
[Allura, Hunk, Lance, Pidge, and Keith all rise up from the floor, to stand behind podiums.]
Allura: What is this place?
Hunk: Looks like some kind of game show.
Keith: What’s happening?
Pidge: I don’t know. The last thing I remember, we were all flying in our lions.
Bob: [holds microphone in front of Keith] Hi, there. Tell us your name and where you’re from.
Keith: Wh-what is this?
Bob: Uh-oh. Looks like somebody wasn’t listening to Norlox.
[audience laughs]
[Announcer/Norlox shrugs and makes a dismissive noise]
Bob: Tell him what this is, everybody.
Audience: Garfle Warfle Snick!
Bob: That’s right! The name of the game is Garfle Warfle Snick. Now tell us your name, son.
Keith: My name is Keith. How did we get here?
Bob: I’ll tell you how Norlox got to be on the show. [In a stage whisper] His uncle owns the studio.
[Audience and Bob laugh. Norlox looks unamused.]
Bob: Alright, Keith. Why don’t you introduce us to the rest of your team?
Keith: W-We’re the Paladins of Voltron. This is Allura, Hunk, Lance, Pidge. But you haven’t answered my question. How did we get here?
Bob: I hope not the same way I got here. A moofglider was jackknifed on the Haldar Expressway and it took forever to get past it.
[audience chuckles]
Bob: I still smell like moof.
Audience: [laughing] Ew!
Bob: Okay, Keith, I’m sure you know how to play our game. All you’ve gotta do is accumulate quaz-cenbullion credits, and you win. Of course, if you don’t, you’ll hear this sound. [sad trombone playing]
Audience: Awww.
Bob: And that means you’re trapped here in our studio for the rest of eternity.
Hunk: Wait, what?
Pidge: Did you say we’ll be trapped here for the rest of eternity?
Bob: Uh-oh. Is there an echo in here? [quieter] Echo in here?
[audience chuckles]
Keith: I don’t know who you are or what’s going on, but we’re getting out of here.
Bob: [chuckling] Oh, I don’t think so.
[Bob snaps his fingers and the Paladins’ feet glow, revealing they are now stuck to the floor. The Paladins all grunt and unsuccessfully attempt to pull their feet out of the restraints.]
Lance: My feet are stuck!
Pidge: Mine too!
Bob: See, all of you are guests on my show [voice distorts sinisterly] and you will play my game as long as I want you to. [normal voice] Understand?
[Audience chuckles]
[All Paladins except Keith nod vigorously]
Bob: Great! Let’s start with our first warfler. Tell us what it is, Norlox.
Norlox: The first warfler is… Pictation!
[Audience cheers]
[A screen descends from the ceiling, Keith is flown up to the front of the studio towards the screen by his foot restraints]
Bob: Come on over here, Keith. Pictation, the drawing game.
[A podium rises from the floor and Bob spins Keith, landing him behind the podium.]
Bob: Now, Keith, the answers will pop up on your screen where your team can’t see them. It’s up to you to draw the people and places you’ve seen [a pencil appears in Keith’s hand] during your adventures as a Paladin of Voltron while your team tries to guess the answers.
[Pans to other Paladins looking very skeptical]
Bob: Are you a good artist, Keith?
Keith: I, uh…
Bob: Well I hope you’re a better drawer than a talker, huh?
[Smoke flashes briefly on Keith’s head to reveal Keith’s hair is tied in a very high, short ponytail and he has a pacifier in his mouth. A baby giggles.]
[Audience laughs]
Bob: Let’s put blazzle hoochas on the board! And… go!
[Keith begins to draw. A robotic voice says “The answer is Arusian.” displays beep and a clock ticks down]
Hunk: It’s a rock! Balmera!
Pidge: Olkari cube!
Lance: It’s a chicken!
Pidge: When did we see a chicken in outer space?
Lance: I don’t know! It’s not my fault Keith can’t draw.
[Keith continues drawing]
Lance: Rooster! A chicken hawk. A chicken with a beard!
Allura: It’s an Arusian!
Bob: Correct!
[Displays light up and ping in celebration. The audience cheers.]
[Keith begins another drawing. The robotic voice says “The answer is Blade of Marmora.” displays beep and a clock ticks down]
Lance: What is that, chopsticks?
Hunk: It’s something from space, Lance.
Lance: Space chopsticks?
[Keith crushes the pencil in his fist in frustration]
Pidge: It’s a knife. Sword? Oh, oh! Oh! Blade of Marmora!
Bob: Right again!
[More celebratory pings]
[The robotic voice says “The answer is Red Lion.” A new pencil pops into Keith’s hand in a small cloud of smoke. He begins to draw. Displays beep and a clock ticks down]
Lance: Dog! It’s a dog!
Hunk: It’s a lion.
[Keith nods emphatically and makes a circular motion with his arm to indicate Hunk should continue]
Hunk: Uh… Black Lion, Blue Lion, Yellow Lion, Red Lion.
[celebratory pings]
Bob: Red Lion is right!
Hunk: Yeah!
Allura: Way to go, Hunk!
[The robotic voice says “The answer is Haggar.” Keith begins to draw. Displays beep and a clock ticks down]
Lance: Pepperoni! An alligator! A cave, a windy cave! Oh no, no, no. What is that thing called? It’s a.. a thermos!
Allura: [growling in frustration, slams her hands on her podium] Lance, would you stop talking!?
[timer buzzes]
Bob: Oh! Time’s up.
Audience: [sadly] Aww.
Lance: What! No way that was blazzle hoochas.
Bob: Looks like our other team is gonna have the opportunity to steal.
Hunk: What other team?
[Bob gestures to the other side of the studio. 5 new podiums are present. Cardboard cutouts of Zarkon, Haggar, Lotor, and a small Galra appear and then in a puff of smoke take on life-like forms.]
Lance: Zarkon? No way!
Hunk: This can’t be happening.
Bob: Hello, there!
Zarkon: Hello, Bob.
Bob: Why don’t you introduce yourself to the audience and tell us who these wonderful people are with you?
Zarkon: I’m Zarkon. This is my lovely wife, Haggar.
Haggar: Hello.
Bob: Hubba hubba.
[audience laughs]
Zarkon: My son, Lotor [Lotor turns his head and grunts petulantly], and one of my insignificant underlings, Morvok.
Morvok: I am such a big fan of the show. I can’t believe we’re here!
Bob: Well, welcome welcome. It’s good to have you all on with us, especially this lovely. [Bob approaches Haggar] Hmm? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[audience makes various whooping approval noises]
Zarkon: [chuckling] Watch it, now.
Bob: All right, Zarkon. Have you been watching backstage?
Zarkon: Yes, I have.
Bob: The Paladins of Voltron have scored three correct answers, but now you and your team have the opportunity to steal all of their points if you can correctly identify what ol’ Keith was doodling on there.
Zarkon: [chuckling] Well, I’d rather steal their Lions than their points.
Bob: [stage whispering] Yeah, I bet you would.
[Audience laughs]
[Screen and laughter distort for a moment before returning to normal]
Hunk: Uh, why are they acting like that?
Allura: It doesn’t matter. There’s no way we’re going to lose to the Galra.
Zarkon: [chuckles] But seriously, I think I can guess this. [puts his hand on Haggar’s shoulder] You might not like the answer.
Bob: Uh-oh. Don’t wanna stir up any trouble with the missus.
[Audience laughs]
Zarkon: She doesn’t look like that drawing, but I’m pretty sure the answer he was going for was…
Bob: Fingers crossed [displays ding]
Zarkon: Is it Haggar?
Bob: That is correct! [displays ding in celebration] The answer is Haggar!
[audience cheers]
Lotor: [pumping his fists in celebration] Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
[Morvok grunts and cheers]
Hunk: This is really bizarre.
Keith: [exasperated] Windy cave?
Lance: Hey! I’m not a mind reader.
[audience laughs]
Bob: So, Zarkon, you have garfled the first warfler. That puts you in control of the board. Do you wanna play or pass?
Lotor: Play! I spent centuries perfecting my exquisite, lifelike renderings. Not that you cared.
Haggar: I treasure your art. [moves to place her hand on Lotor’s arm]
Lotor: Don’t touch me, you filthy, filthy hag! [he jerks his arm away]
[audience chuckles]
Zarkon: Don’t speak to her that way, you insolent whelp!
Audience [softly]: Ooh…
[Lotor growls and smacks Morvok upside the head]
Morvok: Ow! I didn’t do nothing!
[Audience laughs and cheers]
Bob: Family, am I right?
[Audience laughs]
Zarkon: They are quite a handful.
[Audience laughter quiets]
Bob: So, what’s it gonna be, Z?
Zarkon: Well, I’ve always said that the best offense is a good defense.
Bob: Sounds like you’re gonna pass.
Zarkon: I am. And I think I’d also like to play this. [Zarkon holds up a card]
Audience: Ooh!
Bob: Uh-oh!
[A large version of the card pops onto the screen and enlarges]
Bob: The solo card! That means one of these Paladins is gonna have to take the next warfler alone. The question is, Zarkon, which one is it gonna be?
Zarkon: Well, I think there’s really no choice here. I’m going with the dumb one!
[Zarkon points and the camera zooms in on Lance’s slack face. A graphic of a ball swings in and strikes Lance’s head, squeaking and clanging. Bob laughs.]
Lance: Who’s he talking about?
[Audience laughs]
Bob: It’s time for a word from our sponsors. But when we get back, Lance will be starting the next warfler all by his lonesome. Stick around.
[Audience cheers]
Lance: Wait, I’m the dumb one?
Norlox: Garfle Warfle Snick is sponsored by…
[scene changes to the tacky Earth shop from Season Two Episode Seven “Space Mall.” A gray, large-eyed alien wearing an Area 51 hat enters the scene.]
Alien: Come on down to It’s Earth for the craziest Earth deals in the galaxy! [a CD in a clear clamshell case pops on screen] We’ve got throwing discs with cases. [price beeps in corner] Twenty GAC, or six for a hundred. [cash register noise] [A toilet appears on screen] We’ve got a luxury seat that doubles as a water fountain. [water burbles] That’s two-in-one for one low price: fifteen hundred GAC. Yggiz aliens would say, “I’m snarloft in the cranker!” And they’re right! [A broom is displayed] We’ve got a foot scraper. Forty-nine GAC. [Vacuum is displayed] A skin sucker for your foot scrapings. Fifty-seven GAC. [Box for Mercury Gameflux II video game system appears] The arcade three thousand exercise machine. Twenty-five hundred GAC. And don’t forget, each purchase comes with a free Kaltenecker. [A cow slides onto the screen. Cash register clinks] That’s right, we’re out of our crankers! [Cow moos]
Norlox: And now back to Garfle Warfle Snick.
[Audience claps]
Bob: Right before the break, Zarkon’s team decided to make one of the Paladins of Voltron play solo the next round, and the Paladin he chose was the dumb one, Lance.
[Audience laughs]
Bob: Hey, Lance, how’s it going?
Lance: Well, you know what, I’m not too happy about being referred to as “the dumb one,” like, eighteen times.
[Audience laughs]
Bob: Oh, it was only about four times, you big dum-dum.
[Audience laughs. Sad trombone plays]
Bob: But now you’ve got a chance to change all that and show everyone how smart you really are. Are you ready for that?
Lance: Absolutely.
Bob: Okay! Let’s give Lance a big round of applause! He is a great sport.
[Audience cheers and claps]
Bob: Norlox, tell Lance what the next warfler is.
[dramatic drum roll]
Norlox: The next warfler is Faces From the Past!
[audience claps]
Bob: Ah, a little walk down memory lane. Lance, you know how this game goes, am I right?
Lance: Uh, yeah! T-totally.
Bob: [grunts and gets very close to Lance’s face] What do you think, audience? Do we believe this beautiful dum-dum?
Audience: [laughing] No!
Bob: I know you’re telling the truth, Lance, but just for the folks at home, let’s run through the rules real quick. Now, you’re gonna see pictures of some of the folks you’ve met on your adventures around the galaxy. All you have to do is tell us their names. I’ll give you a goolian credits for each one you name correctly, adding to the points you’ll need to earn your freedom. How does that sound?
Lance: Sounds like we’re going to be getting back to Voltron pretty soon.
[Audience cheers]
Bob: That’s the spirit! But, just to make sure you don’t get any help from your friends, let’s lower the isolation shield.
[A clear tube falls down from the ceiling and surrounds Lance. The camera zooms out to reveal what looks like a green tube with teeth at the very top of the clear tube]
Bob: Perfect. Now let’s see our first mystery face from the past.
[monitor beeps and the display shifts between characters. It slows briefly on Kolivan before changing one more time and landing on a masked Blade of Marmora member]
Lance: Easy! That’s Koli-- what? Who’s that?
Bob: He’s an important figure. [screen pans to Keith, pointing at his Marmora knife] Someone who helped you in your fight against Zarkon.
Lance: Hmm… Keith keeps pointing at his blade, so…
Bob: Oh, that’s a pretty big clue. Have you got a guess?
[a clock ticks down]
Lance: Blade… y? Bladey?
[Buzzer blares. Sad trombone plays. Hunk groans and slides down below his podium. The rest of the Paladins make various distressed faces and sounds]
Bob: Oh! The answer is Antok.
Zarkon: Yes!
[Lotor and Morvok high five]
Lance: Oh, yeah, that guy.
Bob: Kolivan’s right-hand man who fought valiantly for the good of the universe. This next one is a little more personal. I think you’ll remember this gal.
[Display beeps and almost stops on one character before landing on another.]
Lance: Ooh! Her? Yeah, that’s Plax-- her?
[Audience laughs]
Lance: Uh, she was the serious one?
Bob: That’s right! What was her name?
Lance: Uh… oh! Hold on. Okay, I know this. She was the one who measured my head for the jellyfish hat. She rode on a giant manta ray.
[camera scans across the Paladins all looking hopeful and excited]
Bob: We need an answer.
Lance: Ah… mmm… Wait, was it Jelly? No, no! Shelly!
[Buzzer blares. Audience awwws. Sad trombone plays]
Bob: Her name is Swirn.
Lance: Swirn? Huh [chuckles] Never would’ve come up with that.
[Audience laughs]
Lotor and Morvok: Go Galra! Go Galra! Go Galra! [Zarkon hums along with them]
[Audience laughs]
Bob: Your team is starting to lose faith in you, Lance.
[Lotor and Morvok continue chanting in the background. Audience continues laughing]
Lance: I’m just not real good with names. I’ll get the next one.
Bob: I hope so. Let’s see the next face from your past.
[Display beeps. Characters scroll by. The display almost stops on one character before landing on another]
Lance: Finally, a name I know! Quiznak! Can you guys stop changing it at the last second? Hmm… This guy, this guy…
Bob: You remember.
Lance: He faked the distress signal!
Bob: He stole the Blue Lion.
Lance: That too.
[Audience laughs]
Bob: What’s his name?
Lance: [growls] Okay. It’s on the tip of my tongue.
Bob: Traveled with Nyma and Beezer.
Lance: Yeah. Pidge loved that robot. [takes a deep breath]
[cut to the other Paladins spelling out R O L O with their arms. The letters buzz like neon lights.]
Lance: Nope. I got nothing.
[Buzzer blares. Paladins groan. Sad trombone plays]
Bob and Lance: Rolo!
[Audience awwws and laughs]
Bob: You are terrible at this.
Lance: To be fair, we’ve met a lot of people.
Bob: Well, this is the last face, Lance. If you finish without a single correct answer, you know what that means.
Lance: No. What?
Audience: [laughs] Snick! Snick! Snick! Snick! Snick! [continues chanting]
Morvok: Yeah! Hahaha!
Lance: I can’t hear what they’re saying. Is it “snick” ?
Bob: That’s right! Miss this next question, and I will be forced to hit this button, [button glows and makes a noise] which will shoot you out of the studio and into the lair of the Snick.
[audience cheers]
Bob: Show us the Snick, Norlox!
[A display shows a large rocky, spider-like creature. It roars into the camera showing its large teeth]
[Lance screams]
Bob: Ooh! [chuckles] He looks hungry.
Lance: What! Nobody said anything about the Snick!
Bob: Well, it’s in the title of the show. Garfle Warfle Snick!
[audience chuckles]
Lance: I wasn’t listening to that! You know I’m the dumb one!
Bob: Well, here’s your last face, dum-dum. Look carefully.
[audience cheers and laughs]
Lance: Quiet! I need to concentrate!
[Display beeps again and scrolls through characters while a drumroll plays in the background. Lance whimpers and begins to sweat. The display stops.]
Lance: It’s Bii-Boh-Bi! Bii-Boh-Bi!
[Jingle plays triumphantly. Audience cheers]
Bob: That’s right! You are not gonna get fed to the Snick.
[Audience boos]
Bob: They are savages.
[Audience laughs]
Bob: Well, sorry, Zarkon. Looks like you’re going home.
Morvok: It was just fun being on the show!
Haggar: Shut up.
[The floor drops out from underneath the Galra. They shout and fall.]
Bob: And now, since he’s the only person in the galaxy Lance can remember, let’s bring him out! Ladies and gentlemen, star of the hit stick-com, Bii-Boh Me, the one and only Bii-Boh-Bi!
[audience cheers]
Bob: Bii-Boh, welcome back to the show. Seems like you’ve been pretty busy since we saw you last.
Bii-Boh: Bii-bi-boh, bi-boh-bii, bii-bii-bii, bi-bi-boh, bii-bii!
[Bob and audience laugh]
Laugh: Y-yeah. Heh…
Bob: Okay, Bii. You’re an old pro at this, so maybe you can help this dum-dum out.
Bii-Boh: Bii-boh, boh-bii.
[audience laughs weakly]
Bob: Norlox, what is our next warfler?
Norlox: It’s the Garflater!
Audience: Oooh! [cheers]
Bob: Alright, now, as everyone knows, the Garflater is worth vezcenbullion credits. So, Lance, this could get you and your friends well on your way to freedom.
Lance: Let’s do this!
Bob: Of course, if you don’t answer five questions correctly, you’ll end up in the Garflator, where you’ll be slowly cooked alive.
[Screens pans to a clear vat of boiling acid. Sad trombone plays. Audience gasps.]
Lance: What? Come on!
Bob: Let’s put blazzle hoochas on the board.
[monitor beeps]
Bob: Bii-Boh-Bi, you’re giving the clues, and remember not to say the word.
Bii-Boh: Bii-boh.
Bob: Start the Garflator!
[Garflator (the green mouth attached to the top of the tube Lance is trapped in) growls and chomps on the clear tube. Clock begins ticking down]
Bii-Boh: Bii, bii-boh-bi.
Lance: Um… I have no idea what’s happening right now.
Bii-Boh: Bii! [Garflator chomps further down the tube] Boh! [Chomp] Bii!
Lance: Bii?
[jingle plays]
Bob: Correct!
Bii-Boh: Boh-boh…
Lance: Bii?
[audience chuckles]
Bii-Boh: Bii… [squeak]
Lance: Bii-boh?
[Bii-Boh grunts and points at Bob]
Lance: Bii-bii?
[jingle plays]
Bob: That’s two!
[Paladins laugh and celebrate]
Bii-Boh: Boh…
Lance: Bii!
[jingle plays]
Bob: Two more to go!
[Garflator continues chomping on the tube]
Bii-Boh: Bii-boh-boh--
[buzzer blares and Bii-Boh grunts in frustration]
Bob: You can’t say the word.
Bii-Boh: Bii-boh…
Lance: Boh-boh, bii-bii-boh, boh-bii-boh.
[jingle plays]
Lance: Yeah!
[Garflator chomps]
Bob: Final clue. Running out of time!
[Garflator continues chomping, getting close to where Lance is in the tube]
Bii-Boh: Boh-boh-boh!
Lance: Bii-boh-bii-bii?
Bii-Boh: Boh-boh-boh, boh-boh-boh-boh, boh-boh-boh!
Lance: Bii-bii-bii, boh, bii-boh, boh, boh, b-bii-bii-bii!
[buzzer blares]
Lance: Oh! Oh! [screams]
[The Garflator makes it to the bottom of the tube and chomps Lance]
Bob: Oh! So close.
[Lance grunts and screams as he’s dragged along the tube of the Garflator and dumped into the acid]
Bob: The answer was Bii.
Lance: I said that!
Bob: Give it up for Bii-Boh-Bi, everybody!
[audience cheers]
Bii-Boh: Bii-boh, bi-bi-bi-bi!
[Bii-Boh exits the stage]
Bob: When we come back from the break, we’ll see if Lance’s fellow Paladins can get him out of the Warflator before he gets turned into hot pudding… right after this!
Norlox: Garfle Warfle Snick is sponsored by Vrepit Sal’s!
[screen distorts and fuzzes to show Sal in front of his restaurant at the Space Mall]
Norlox: Come on down to Vrepit Sal’s for family fun and approved imperial flavors.
[Sal is shown holding a plate of the meal Hunk created, giving a thumb’s up. A faint twinkling jingle plays. A bag of chips with Haggar on the front is displayed]
Norlox: For a limited time, get a Haggar snack pack every time the Melgregian Fitzers score three havers in a sprat.
[Zarkon and Haggar pop up next to the bag of chips. Haggar has one glowing yellow eye and her tongue stuck out in a hungry pose. Zarkon is giving two thumbs up with the same hungry tongue position. Lotors pops onto the top of the screen at an angle, also giving a thumbs up and winking. A close up of the food is shown again.]
Norlox: Vrepit Sal’s! Sustenance prepared right.
[Sal pops back on screen in front of the food. A chicken-like animal clucks and the shrieks. A sharp, knife-like sound plays followed by a thud. The screen goes back to the game show.]
Norlox: And now back to Garfle Warfle Snick.
[audience claps as the show’s jingle plays]
Bob: Welcome back, everybody. The Paladins of Voltron are trying to win their way off the show, but they just lost one of their team to the Warflator. How’s it going over there, Lance?
[pans to Lance in the vat of acid]
Lance: Actually, this feels great.
[Audience laughs. Lance is in a seated position, relaxing with his arms behind his head, his shoulders and up are floating above the acid and the rest of his body is submerged.]
Lance: The goo is nice and warm and it feels like it’s exfoliating me.
Bob: Well, eventually, it’ll eat through your skin.
[audience laughs. Screen cuts back to Lance in the acid, now looking shocked and frightened instead of relaxed]
Bob: But let’s see if one of your friends can help you out. Well, hello, Princess.
Allura: What are we doing here, Bob?
Bob: We’re playing the game.
[audience laughs weakly]
Allura: Please let us go. The universe needs Voltron.
Bob: Well, then the Paladins of Voltron are just gonna have to get serious about winning this game. Now, which one of you do you want to play to free Lance, huh? Who’s the brainiest of the team?
All the Paladins: Pidge.
Bob: All right, little fellow, step on out here.
[Pidge is wheeled out to the front by her foot restraints and yells in surprise. The audience claps and cheers]
Bob: Norlox, tell us what the next warfler is.
Norlox: It’s Bankchannel!
[A robotic jingle plays. The screen shows a complicated mini-golf course. The audience claps]
Pidge: Hey! Miniature golf!
Bob: Miniature what?
Pidge: This game, it’s… Never mind.
Bob: All right, let me show you how to play here. [Bob picks up the golf club] All you have to do is hit the sphere through the bankchannel into the tunnel.
[the jingle plays again. A display pops up showing a close up on the hole. Bob demonstrates how to hit the ball off several walls to land in the hole. Audience claps politely]
Bob: Easy. Think you can do that?
Pidge: I think I can handle it. [she takes the club from Bob]
[music plays as Pidge carefully inspects the terrain. She Hmm’s several times. The screen distorts as she lines up her shot like a pool cue instead of a golf shot. And squints with one eye closed]
Bob: Ooh. Very serious.
[Audience laughs. Pidge looks behind herself back towards the Paladins at their podiums]
Bob: The hole is over there.
[Audience laughs]
[Pidge stands up and carefully lines up her shot, taking several abbreviated practice swings at the ball while humming softly. She rears back to swing hard and grunts. The ball slams into the game show camera with a crunching noise as the glass shatters. It ricochets off the camera and hits Bob’s floating chair, sending him spinning wildly around the room making noises of shock and alarm. Static briefly flashes over the screen, then reveals Bob on the ground and Pidge jumping on top of him, holding him to the ground by his head.]
Pidge: Let us go! Now!
[and alarm begins to wail. Red lights flash in the studio.]
Pidge: Huh?
[Audience cheers wildly]
Bob: It looks like the Paladins have just made it into the final round!
[Bob zips out from under Pidge and appears in front of the stage again with a glittery jingle. Lights flash around the screen triumphantly. The audience continues to cheer. All of the Paladins (including Lance) are back behind their podiums and look very confused.]
Pidge: What the…
[Lance grabs at his own face]
Hunk: Okay, I know I’ve said this before many times, but this is the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.
Bob: One of you will now be allowed to leave the game. The rest of you will be staying here with me forever.
[Audience oooh’s]
Bob: You have blazzle hoochas to write down your choice for who should get to escape on the screen in front of you. Go!
[dividers pop up between the Paladins’ podiums so they can’t see each other. A clock begins to tick down. The Paladins examine their pens and begin to write. All of them seem reluctant and conflicted.]
Bob: Final hoochas. Make your selections, everyone.
[Clock finishes and the podium dividers slide down with a whoosh]
Bob: Hunk, let’s start with you. Who’d you vote for?
[A picture of Allura pops up on Hunk’s podium display with a jingle]
Hunk: Well, Bob, I voted for Allura.
[the audience gasps and aww’s]
Hunk: I figured she’s the princess, and she’s such a natural leader, you know. The universe needs her more than it needs the rest of us, plain and simple.
[Audience aww’s. Allura places her hand on Hunk’s shoulder]
Allura: Aw. Thank you, Hunk.
Bob: Allura, who did you vote for?
[Pidge’s photo pops up on Allura’s podium]
Allura: I selected Pidge. She and her family have the best chance of rebuilding what my father started.
Bob: Interesting. Lance, who got your vote?
[Keith’s photo is shown on Lance’s podium]
Lance: I voted for Keith. He’s our leader, plus he’s half Galra, so I think he’s, like, the future.
Bob: Keith, the leader, who do you think deserves to make it out of here, huh?
[Lance’s photo is shown on Keith’s podium]
Bob: Lance? Why Lance?
[Audience makes surprised noises]
Keith: I just don’t wanna be stuck here for eternity with Lance.
[Audience laughs]
Lance: Aw. Thanks, man. Wait, what?
[Audience laughs]
Bob: We’re down to our very last vote. Pidge, you’re the Paladin that everyone says is the smartest, the most analytical, the most logical. Let’s see who you voted for.
[Hunk’s photo is shown on Pidge’s podium]
[Audience aww’s]
Bob: Hunk? Seriously?
Pidge: Yeah. Hunk gets along with everybody. If anyone’s gonna go out into the universe and bring people together, it’s Hunk.
[Audience aww’s again]
Hunk: Aw, thanks, Pidge.
[Hunk and Pidge fist bump]
Bob: No one voted for themselves. Everyone wanted someone else to get to leave and every single one of you got a vote.
Lance: So I guess we all get fed to the Snick or something now, right?
Bob: [voice distorted sinisterly] You all get… [normal voice] quaz-cenbullion credits!
[Cheerful music plays, confetti shoots at the corners of the screen, lights flash like a camera bulb. The audience cheers.]
Bob: You win!
[Paladins all hug each other and cheering in a cloud of confetti]
Pidge: Yeah! Yes! Yay!
Hunk: We’re the best!
Bob: That’s our show, everybody. From all of us here at Garle Warfle Snick, please have your klanmuirls spayed or neutered. Good night!
[A power down beep sounds. The screen fades to black. The Lions are flying in formation with a nebula-like background. An alarm clock goes off. Screen jumps to inside Hunk’s cockpit where he gasps awake.]
Hunk: [whimpering and looking around for a moment before relaxing] Oh! Whoa. Oh. That was messed up. Hey, guys. I just kinda dozed off for a second and I had this crazy dream.
[scene changes to Pidge’s Lion, Shiro looking concerned in the background.]
Pidge: Garfle Warfle Snick?
Hunk: No. Way.
Keith: You guys saw that, too?
Lance: So wait, does that mean Bob is real?
[Scene changes to inside Allura’s Lion. Romelle and Coran are behind her seat.]
Coran: Bob? Did you all just meet Bob?
Allura: Coran, you know him?
Coran: I’ve never met him myself, but I’ve heard tales. He’s an all-powerful, all-knowing interdimensional being who judges the worthiness of great warriors.
[All paladins pop up over a display of godly being in the swirling cosmos, holding all of the paladins in one enormous hand. Allura, Hunk, Pidge, and Keith look very skeptical.]
Lance: Well, I bet he never met anyone worthier than us.
[Light glints off Lance’s tooth as he grins with a sparkly chime]
Coran: The legends say that if you meet Bob and live to tell the tale, you’re destined for great things indeed.
Keith: The guy was kind of a jerk, though, right?
[Hunk murmurs in agreement]
Allura: Completely.
Lance: I’m not that dumb!
[The Lions jet off farther into space. A constellation of many stars and planets in the background faintly make the shape of Bob’s face.]
[Static fills the screen and then an underwater scene is shown]
Blumfump: [voice distorted at first, growing clearer with every word] Looking for a play the whole family can enjoy? Come on down to Luxia’s Kingdom. Ride a seahorse. Feed Swirn’s jellyfish.
[People riding seahorses come onto the screen, followed by a person feeding jellyfish out of their hand. Then the scene is replaced by a group of people relaxing in a hot spring]
Blumfump: You can take a dip in our new volcanic hot springs or see the hypnotic Octodancers perform [Scene changes to people watching an octopus creature dancing on a stage] while snack on treats [Scene changes again to Plaxum handing out food] from Plaxum’s bakery and lots more!
[Scene fades out with mermaid people waving to the camera]
Blumfump: [voice distorting] Luxia’s Kingdom, so safe and warm, you’ll wanna stay forever.
END
