#non-non

Ok i never write canon/first war wolfstar it's too depressing. BUT i think it gives us lots of delicious tension to have everything in the world so fucked up they stop caring about the consequences of outing themselves to each other (period-typical homophobia), or what would happen to their friendship, if one of them finally made a move.

We are deep into the war years. Lily and James have already gone into hiding. Neither remus nor sirius are home very often in their shared flat. They barely speak to each other these days.

benji has just been found in pieces.

You'd think by now they'd be used to it. the shock, another one of their friends gone in an instant. death surrounds them every day; they can't get more familiar with it. it's the air they breathe, it's the song in their heads that rocks them to sleep each night in their cold, separate beds.

yet here they are, well on their way to getting pissed on cheap firewhiskey, sitting on the floor of their small living room and not looking at each other.

not speaking to each other.

what words could they possibly say that they haven't each thought a million times over, like tickertape running nonstop behind their eyes. A litany of saints. Well, martyrs, at least.

They stopped believing they were saints a long time ago.

"fuck it." Sirius spits, his face cracking into some version of his old smile. he looks terrifying. Remus still thinks he's beautiful. "Truth or dare, moony mine?"

Remus nearly chokes on his firewhiskey. "i'm sorry?"

"what, you got something better to do?" Sirius grabs the bottle from Remus' hand, takes a swig. "truth or fucking dare."

"come on padfoot, i'm tired---"

"you're always tired"

"i just don't want to"

"you never want anything, anymore." and what sirius means, in a very small voice in the back of his head: you never want me anymore.

And despite everything, Remus still speaks fluent Padfoot.

"What kind of dares could we possible do anyway?---"

"Oh, I'm sure i can think of something" Sirius interjects.

"---we are stuck here, no where to go, very little magic we can do without giving ourselves away---"

Sirius cuts him off again. "Truth or dare, moony."

Remus grabs the bottle, glaring, utterly miserable but beneath that, a spark of something. nervousness?

"dare."

"Dare you to finish the bottle."

"If i do that we won't have any more to drink," Remus argues.

"Fair point. Dare you anyway."

"Fine." Remus finishes the last of the bottle, a good 3-4 shots worth of alcohol. He's not sure what the point of that was; Sirius isn't that drunk yet and honestly, his own werewolf metabolism can handle a lot more than this. This much alcohol will only just now start to hit him. Said metabolism makes your usual pain potions practically useless, unless he drinks the whole fucking flask, and at 10 galleons an ounce---

He stops that train of thought. He's been there too many times today alone. "Truth or dare," he says instead, and he finds he actually does feel a little more relaxed, a little more open, with the extra alcohol after all.

Sirius looks him in the eye. "truth."

If remus is shocked Sirius Take-the-Dare Black has picked truth, he doesn't show it, just holds the eye contact. "why don't you tell me anything anymore?"

Sirius answers immediately. "to keep you safe. Would you like truth or dare, Remus?"

Remus doesn't have time to even register he's saying it before his mouth opens automatically and "truth" comes out.

"Why don't you tell me anything anymore?"

And like before, Remus is answering before the thoughts even form in his head. "I'm scared. i'm scared i'm bad, i'll get you killed, i'll get you all killed, james and lily and harry and peter. we'll be next. and if i keep myself away from you, it's like, it's like i can protect you, or more, i can protect the idea of you. i could bear a lot but what i can't bear is losing who i thought you were." His mouth hangs open. a knot forms in his brow. "Sirius--"

"Ask me." Sirius' gaze is firm. unyielding. "Truth or dare."

Remus shakes his head, disoriented. "Sirius---" he tries again.

"Ask me." He shuffles up onto his knees, leans towards remus on all fours. A dog with a bone. "What do you really want to ask me, Remus?"

"Are you the spy?"

The answer is out of Sirius' mouth before Remus is even done asking.

"No. Are you the spy?"

Likewise, Remus' answer is immediate. "No."

and both their breaths are coming fast and shallow, and their hearts are roaring in their ears, and they just want to not be in their own heads for two goddamn seconds, and, well, Sirius was always the brave one---

"Do you want to kiss me?"

"Yes." Remus breathes. Just like that. 10 years of hiding this secret, from himself as well as everyone around him, and he gives it up. Just because Sirius Black asks.

Sirius' lip curls in triumph. He crawls closer, predator locking on his prey, and it's too hot and Remus is dizzy.

"Dare you," he whispers across his lips.

Sirius may be brave, but Remus has a kind of willpower that only comes with facing down the moon month after month.

"No."

Remus doesn't move to close the gap, but he doesn't move away either. Holds perfectly still, controlled, and the roles are reversed and the wolf is in charge and he's closing in on the dog--

"Not until you tell me, too."

---making him submit---

"Do you want want me the way i want you, Sirius Orion Black?"

Sirius' enthusiastic "yes" is more or less silent, as it's given to the press of Remus' lips.

OK HERE'S HOW THE SMUT GOES DOWN

They are going to take turns asking each other "do you want xyz?" and the other will say yes and then the other will say "dare you."

"Do you want to touch me?"

"yes."

"Dare you."

"Do you want to take off my shirt?"

"yes."

"Dare you."

"Do you want to put me on my back?" -"yes"- "open my legs?" -"yes"- undo my belt, pull down my fly? -"yes"- "reach your hand down my pants, touch my cock?" -"yes, yes"--

A beat, locked eyes, panting chests, kiss-swollen lips.

"Then I fucking dare you, Remus Lupin."

They take each other right there on the carpet, ten years' worth of hurt and love spilling out all over and inside of them.