#nomiposting

Queer Harm, Forgiveness, and Jax: My Thoughts on the TADC Finale and Reflecting on My Past.

In grade school, I had this friend, whom we shall call N for this post. We were good friends until middle school, when they started a vicious cycle. Every week, they would get angry at me for something minor, like an off-color comment or calling them out on something rude they said. They’d refuse to explain what I actually did and would ignore me, interlaced with comments about how I was a terrible friend. By the end of the week, after I’d groveled enough, we would make up and be besties again. They would also routinely steal my stuff, make me chase after them, and use our other friends to steal more of my things. When I told them to stop because I was out of breath and hurting, I’d be mocked. This went on for approximately two years. While I wasn’t a perfect human being at the time, I still treated this person with kindness and respect, even inviting them to family events and small vacations. Though it sounds silly now as an adult, it still hurt. It was an extremely toxic cycle that left me doubting my own opinion, constantly self- flagellating and apologizing for things I didn't do, and coming out with incredibly low self-esteem.

Recently, I stumbled upon N's social media. They’ve come out as binary trans. I won't specify which way, but they had a brand-new name, pronouns, and hairstyle in their icon. I blocked them so they wouldn't find me, but I realized that perhaps they were hurting so badly due to, among other reasons, struggling with dysphoria and gender feelings.

So, what does this have to do with The Amazing Digital Circus?

Jax, after three years and countless theories, has been confirmed to be transfemme/a trans woman. If you have any media literacy, it's all but outright stated. Gooseworks should not have to make Jax hold up a bright neon sign that says "I AM A TRANS WOMAN" for you to get it. Alright? Cool. That's out of the way. For the rest of this essay, she/her pronouns will be used to refer to Jax.

Jax is a well-written, complicated figure, especially as the series goes on and we learn more about her, her relationships with the other circus members (current and abstracted), and finally, her mother and father. Her coping mechanisms are unhealthy, harming herself and the others around her. I have no issue exploring that. The problem is that Ragatha, Gangle, and Zooble are constantly sidelined, with their feelings surrounding Jax and her actions barely explored at all. We get one line from Gangle and Zooble each at the end about not knowing how to feel about the situation. And this is...frustrating. We also hear Pomni say, "everyone here did bad things," but to compare verbal slights with constant and continued harassment and bullying feels extreme.

Gooseworx got a lot of heat for saying that Jax and Pomni are the show’s main characters, which would be fine in a vacuum, but I’d argue that most people assumed TADC would be an ensemble show, with Pomni being the emotional core. Everyone would get a relatively similar amount of screen time, with the focus on escaping the circus and the mysteries of how it came to be in the latter half. And while this is Goosework’s project and she has the final say, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I understand what Goose was going for. I understand Jax as a cautionary tale, but he is the character we know about the most. None of the other humans in the circus get that much information about what happened before the circus until the literal end of episode 9.

Why is it that the victims of abuse don't get the same amount of attention as abusers? Why the plethora of long, winding analyses of people who hurt others, and not those they hurt? Why is the abuse that perpetrators experience always taken more seriously not only among fan culture, but also in the very media that supposedly shows how terrible they are? Ragatha, Zooble, and Gangle don't get nearly enough time to sit with their complicated feelings surrounding Jax's abstraction and her treatment of them. Sure, TADC is a very short series that can be finished in a day, but come on. I understand that Goose has outright stated that Jax is inspired by her own life, even to the point of possibly being a self-insert. While I don't have a problem with that, the other side of the argument is: you are writing a story, not a therapeutic diary entry. There are characters other than Jax that exist. Goose isn't the first author with whom I've pointed out this problem, and they won't be the last.

As being LGBTQ+ has become safer in recent years, so has the conversation relating to the perpetuation of harm due to being LGBTQ+. Stories of husbands and wives realizing they're gay and/or trans and divorcing their spouse to live their new lives, while their partners are left to pick up the pieces, come to mind immediately. Of course, it's a celebration when someone realizes who they truly are and embraces themselves--but what happens to those left in their wake? Is there room for both experiences? I would argue yes. Societal oppression doesn't automatically negate the real, tangible harm people cause, but LGBTQ+ folks are under tremendous strain from bigotry and cisheteropatriarchy.

The kicker, specifically for the TADC characters and me, is that we're also LGBTQ+! I'm a GNC lesbian, Zooble is nonbinary, Gangle is sapphic, and Ragatha is highly suspected to be sapphic as well. We experience oppression in society (at least for me, as the others are fictional characters). None of the aforementioned characters act that callously, except in retaliation for Jax's behavior. While I haven't exactly been the model of good behavior myself, none of my bad behavior stems from being closeted or not figuring out my lesbianism. So the idea of Jax/N being excused for their actions because they're oppressed in society holds no weight. There are plenty of people out there who face oppression and aren't intentionally cruel.

I’ve spent over a decade trying to sort out my feelings between myself and N. Unlike the cast of The Amazing Digital Circus, we were children when all of this transpired. Their actions have continued to affect me to this day and, to some degree, will affect me for the rest of my life. I never got an apology or any indication that they have any regrets. We graduated high school and haven't spoken to each other since. Now that I’m out of public school, attended several rounds of therapy, and developed countless healthy friendships, I feel like I can approach the past with less anger and more nuance. N went through trauma I couldn’t fully grasp—things that I believe no child should ever go through. I wish someone with more authority and power could’ve helped them cope or escape the situation. But does that give them a free pass to be cruel during one of my most formative years?

I held onto a lot of anger towards N. To this day, I still lack confidence and conviction in myself. I constantly doubt my actions and words and apologize even when something isn’t totally my fault. Who would I have become if our paths hadn't crossed? Where would I have been? People constantly preach that forgiveness is the ultimate goal, and everyone must forgive those who wronged them because it’s the only way it’ll set you free, but I find that platitude empty. My anger says: You did this to me and never experienced any kind of consequence. You’re able to go out in the world and not give a shit about me. You never had to face me and own up to your shitty behavior. Who cares if it's ancient history? It still happened. I still exist. Look at me. Notice me. Face me.

While writing this, I talked with one of my most important brainstorming partners, critics, and my girlfriend: @lesbianholster. We spent time ruminating over our pasts, the hurt done to us, and what we would do if those who harmed us suddenly appeared and professed their apologies. They brought up an interesting question: Is there a way to remember the hurt done to you without actively harboring resentment? I don’t have an answer to that question. Maybe someone else smarter than me will.