#nofucks

I just don’t understand how this can be, when I started this blog ever so long ago, I was young and full of life. I was carefree and seemingly had bet the girl of my dreams. Beautiful to me, sexy in those torn off jeans, and her loose yet so fitting tank top, topped off all by her boots, long soft brunette hair and her big brown eyes that sucked me in and never let go and the smile that was so bright it led me to darkness. The sleepless nights, the arguing the telling me how terrible and broken I was as a partner, that I was nothing but a drunken excuse of a human being who had no room in his heart for his children. We fast forward 9 years and we find me broken, single with no access to my children who are now starting to voice that they do not wish to see me in what little time I do get to have with them. What I’m I to do? I’ve been fighting this battle for so long I don’t know if I even want to tie at this point, let alone win. I’m broken. I apologize to everyone for everything in fear that I will be yelled at or told how useless I am. My soul and being which once yearned ever so largely for friends and closeness, now fears anyone who so even tries to talk to or befriend me. I’m terrified. I’ve lost everything and everyone that I once held dear. Some days I wish I had continued down the destructive path of my drunken ways. It was easier, I didn’t have to feel, I had accepted that I no longer had a choice in weather or not I would be drinking and that I was going to die that way, miserable. As times gone on I’ve found myself with a decent headspace, and a wonderful job. Just once I want this to stick, I want to be okay. I’m tired. It’s exhausting waking up everyday knowing that noones waiting for you, knowing that noones going to make your phone ring, truly believing that you do not deserve happiness and that even if you did who’d want you anyways right? Single, two kids, nothing to offer and Not attractive so yeah life’s definitely not getting better there. I already haven’t seen my daughters in two years. Shit even I don’t like me. amongst the trillions of other things going on in life the one thing that remains consistent everyday is my pain and my ability to wake up put a smile on and get out into the world and make a damn difference. If nothing else my pain and sadness is nothing compared to what joy I feel helping others though I am bleeding and screaming inside. What a fucking mess I’ve gotten myself into, and unfortunately the only way out is natural so I just have to fucking wait.