#noel365

My Saturday morning mood.

Music fills my apartment. I am lounging on my sofa with beautiful light streaming in behind me through my panoramic windows. It is a cloudy day but the light is so bright. It’s shining a soft bright light on the pages I am reading. The pages are full of words and images of travel. I am so relaxed and content right now. It has been a challenging last few months but I have not broken. I am awake. I am present.

When 2020 started I had mixed feelings of fear, some regret, and uncertainty about turning 50.

“It is said that the poetic part of a person’s life is when he is young, but the mature part of the artist is when he is old. I think I have begun to understand that now, and I know it relates to my own photography.” - Harry Callahan

I have turned my coffee table into a book gallery. I have a bunch of art books that I am starting to go through once again. I miss being creative but I guess you never really stop. As you grow old your creativity and artistic thought has changed. But the underlying perspective still comes from your past days ... when you lived your poetic, young life.

2046 - Love is all a matter of timing

I used to watch films over and over and over. Sometimes twice on the same day. For my film class at UIC, I procured a bootleg copy of Il Conformista on VHS and watched it so much it seemed as if the tape was wearing down. Watching a beautiful film a second, third or even fourth time ... I always find something new in it. I uncover more of the story or I get a new interpretation of its parts depending on my current state of mind. 

During the quarantine period of 2020 I have watched a ton of films. I decided my next binge would be Wong Kar-wai films. Binge watching can be challenging since his films tend to be very long. I started my revisit with the film 2046. It’s actually the last of Wong Kar-wai’s 3 film love trilogy. They are “Days of Being Wild”, “In the Mood for Love”, and “2046″. I read somewhere that Wong Kar-wai suggests actually starting with 2046. It’s been a long time since I have seen it ... maybe about 10 years. I remember the first time I watched it ... that time in my life was difficult and already filled with the themes of love, longing and the burden of memory. The movie can be slow moving so I knew I had to really make time to watch it. A glass of wine and the Sunday evening sun setting behind me through my window was the perfect setting. 

Watching it now, it’s as if it is completely new to me. The film is even more visually beautiful than I remember. The score seems different to me as well. After 10 years I have changed quite a bit, and my life’s situation is dramatically different now. Wong’s films usually deal with love, longing and the burden of memory... all emotionally disturbing themes. Those themes still ring through. This beautiful film brought back some memories and much insight into my life as it was back when I first viewed it. There are parts that mean more to me now than what it meant the last time. There are parts that resonate and make more sense now than before. There are parts that strangely seem like my very own experiences and memories. I love the repeating emphasis on Christmas Eve ... area 1224-1225, because I really feel that way during that time. And the notion of “Love is all a matter of timing” is something I always believed in and means so much more now... after all this time. I found myself watching this throughout the night, rewinding certain parts to let it sink in. 

Memorable films always bring me to a specific time of my life. I use them as a window to my state of mind ... to my past ... and I am able to compare and contrast with my perspective today. A movie’s narrative doesn’t change over time ... but one’s life does. That is why re-watching a beautiful piece like 2046 is so worth it. Maybe I will watch it again another ten years from now. The movie will still be the same, but I know my perspective will be different. 

today... June 6,2020 ... i just love this song ... I’ll always remember us this way. 

the Arizona sky ... You found the light in me that I couldn't find ... every time we say goodbye baby it hurts... 

That Arizona sky burning in your eyes You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire It's buried in my soul like California gold You found the light in me that I couldn't find

So when I'm all choked up But I can't find the words Every time we say goodbye Baby, it hurts When the sun goes down And the band won't play I'll always remember us this way

Lovers in the night Poets trying to write We don't know how to rhyme But, damn, we try But all I really know You're where I wanna go The part of me that's you will never die

I can’t believe this photo was taken less than a year ago. Last year in July 2019 I was in California crewing for the world’s toughest race, Badwater 135 in Death Valley. On that same trip we hiked around Half Dome and rented a private log cabin in Yosemite National Park which had this huge patio overlooking the trees. It had this amazing sunset view every night. I can still smell the trees and hear the sound of silence the night forest evokes. So beautiful and peaceful. I have seen so many beautiful sunrises and sunsets around the world and they all amaze me.

My cappuccino and my plant

it seems it has been raining and thunder storming every day for the last month. Being inside under quarantine makes that all right with me. There are days when I will put on my raincoat and walk outside in the rain. I love the sound of the pelting rain on my hood and the smell of spring. being inside is not so bad on rainy days like this. I am happy when it rains … Especially when I have a creamy cup of cappuccino in my hands.