#no ranting

I can think of maybe three friends I really WANT to know, but at some point I'd like to be able to at least put "in a relationship" on my facebook.

I mean, that would have to happen after I tell the rest of my family that matters. I'm scared to tell my sister a bit... and I sure as hell don't care what my dad thinks, his opinion is nothing to me so he can avoid talking to me twice as never if he wants after that. I figure if I tell my sister, she'll spread it around that side of the family anyway...

but my aunts uncles and cousins should all know... one set of them more than the other two... definitely not the bigots mister and missus, but I figure my other local set of family might not completely change the way they treat me? at least not the woman who taught me in Montessori :P and my cousins there are too nice to me already. but the uncle there would probably have less to do with me, but that's fine, i kinda hate him anyway.

but FRIENDS need to know. A and S and D especially. I at least owe it to D, since he came out to me especially. What a nice guy :) I figure I'll text him sometime soon like he did with me, we don't hang out enough for me to find a good time.

I'm rambling, but in a good way, I'm kinda pumped up. I had a nice long chat with the cutie tonight and went to see Maleficent which was so fucking great I was making cute noises and faces the whole time. Feel like trying to draw more of my trainer artwork that I started last year... not sure why.

anyway if you read all of this and have come to this very moment where we are right now in this text block I want to confide in you that while I am/was typing this I was imagining someone reading it and imagining past and present coming together, as if they were reading it as it were being typed. because my brain works in strange ways sometimes. but also thank you for reading so much of my jibber-jabber. 

PS: I don't know if you've been reading or if it was completely your own idea, but thank you for giving me some hours this week. I cannot tell you how great it feels to know that I will have some money coming in so soon... I'm still pretty nervous about this job and it kinda goes up and down. I love being in an environment where I am surrounded by people, maybe I'm extroverted that way, but I am also so dead anxious about screwing up or getting over-worked in a rush hour or something. Honestly, while I did enjoy taking orders on the last training day I would feel a lot better cleaning for three months. I don't know that I am very good with that kind of pressure yet, or just that kind of work environment? I don't think I want a career where I have to worry about a sudden increase in people that need to be taken care of. Whatever I decide on for a career, probably art teacher at this point, I digress, I want it to be something on a regular schedule that easily becomes a safe, steady routine that I can follow, where I do the same thing. Not knowing what I'll be doing each week until I get a weekly schedule decided on by one person on a number of variables isn't really my cup of tea...? But hey, a jobs a job. Experience is experience, and while I've been told to try not to think this way (by one person who is incredibly financially secure and well-experienced, etc) money is money and I neeeeeeeed money. It's not about having financial security right now for me, it's about having a bit more peace of mind about living. I don't want to live much longer hearing my mother get upset about not having the kind of money she deserves. About living paycheque to paycheque. About not having any money left after one big grocery shop. I don't like thinking other people have it easy, because that's almost never really the case, but I so often feel like no one really understands what it's like to live like this. To be in low income family housing, to have lived in one house for 17 years and suddenly being informed you'll have to move after you turn 25 and not knowing where you'll go or where your mom will go. To listen to people talk about moving, over and over. To hear about summer trips, winter vacations, visiting family in far away places, and knowing that just like the last decade, you'll be staying home, no way to travel, no way to vacation. *sigh* but everyone has something about their life they wish they could change, that they're unhappy about and I get that.