#no fair

His eyes drift over to the canvas set on the easel hugged by baby’s breath and white lilies. As if blessing your engagement, the sun kissed your heads while the flowers reached up to congratulate you both. You’re wearing a white silk dress, the very one he once gathered at your hips with trembling hands, admiring Yeonjun with a soft smile. Yeonjun returned the endearing gaze, holding your hand tightly like he would never let go.

Beomgyu grimaces, his stomach twisting. A wave of nausea hits him, and he feels the cold panic spreading. He thought that he could be brave and hide his 15 years’ worth of feelings for you on your special day, but it was proving too difficult of a task for him. Soobin, who happened to glance over at Beomgyu, raises his eyebrow with concern. Before Beomgyu can excuse himself, an arm is thrown over his shoulders.

“My best man!”

His vision blurs, but he recognizes the voice. 

Yeonjun’s cologne, strong of bergamot and lemon, suffocates him from every angle. As if the air wasn't already having a hard time filling his lungs.

The others all cheerfully congratulate Yeonjun, asking him how he feels. Yeonjun answers with a wide, victorious grin, “Like the luckiest man in the world.” Beomgyu loses all feeling in his heart.

“Do you have the rings?” Yeonjun asks him for the fifth time that day. Beomgyu swallows hard before nodding quickly to reassure him.

“Yeah,” he responds, his voice getting caught in his throat. He pats his suit over his pocket just over his bleeding heart. "I have them right here.”

Yeonjun visibly relaxes. “I knew I could trust you.”

Funny, Beomgyu thought he could trust Yeonjun too.

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Tuesday, September 10th, 2015 — 14 years old

Beomgyu rode his skateboard over to join you on the lawn as you watched some of the boys in your class at the skate park. He dug into his cargos and pulled out a pack of sour patch kids, ripping it open.

He put one in his mouth before offering you the pack. He knew they were your favorite. 

You dug your fingers in, thanking him softly. 

He basked in the sun, content with being next to you after a long, busy day at school.

“Beomgyu,” You sang his name. He turned to you, hugging his knees and ducking his head away from the sun.

You pursed your lips and held his eyes. He blinked with concern when you hesitated to continue. 

“Do you… do you think I’m ugly?”

The word hit like a bullet to his heart. 

Ugly? 

How could you even think that you were ugly for one second. Because you were the prettiest person that Beomgyu has ever laid his eyes on. Prettier than a doll, prettier than a fairy, prettier than a snow lilly, prettier than…

A piece of candy lodged itself into his throat, and it took all his power for him not to choke out loud. 

“Far from it.” He responded, no hint of the nervousness he felt. Pulling out another sour patch kid from the pack, he dropped it into his mouth. 

To you, his response must’ve felt no different than how your mother would respond. Typical, considering you’ve grown up with Beomgyu next door for the past seven years. Yet, the truth was that Beomgyu’s heart was fluttering.

You casually brought the back of your hand to cool your warm cheeks. “I… all my friends have boyfriends but me… and you’re a guy so…”

Lifting his eyes back to yours, he noticed that you held a bit of expectation on his response.

Beomgyu was too much of a coward to say anything.

“So,” you snapped out of it with a short chuckle. “I just thought maybe you heard something from your friends...”

He hummed as the wind blew across his heating face. “They all think you’re pretty. Just scared of rejection, I think.”

“Are you?”

All the air rushed out of his lungs. Instead of being brave, Beomgyu lied and said he didn’t like anyone.

After you got up to leave, he laid down on the grass, arm over his forehead as the clouds spun around in the sky.

Beomgyu kicks himself to this day for not just confessing that he’s been in love with you since you held his hand and walked him to kindergarten.

By now, it was obvious to everyone else. So much so that the reason you didn’t have a boyfriend was because no one asked you out on the assumption that you two were already dating. 

Why didn’t he just tell you he liked you? 

Maybe he thought he had more time.

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Monday, April 4th, 2016 — 15 years old

Yeonjun had moved into the neighborhood a few weeks prior.

If Beomgyu could be described as a gentle stream down the creek, Yeonjun would be a bolt of lightning striking in it. 

Every time Yeonjun appeared beside him, Beomgyu’s shoulders would jump. He couldn’t remember when he gave him the impression he wanted to be his friend. If anything, Beomgyu wanted to keep Yeonjun away from him because being close to Beomgyu meant Yeonjun would get close to you too. And considering that half the grade of girls already were melting at the sight of him, he was desperate to prevent that from happening.

Eventually, Beomgyu came to terms that Yeonjun wasn’t going anywhere. Yeonjun was content with Beomgyu’s quiet nature, talking his ear off whenever they walked home from the bus stop. You usually wouldn’t be around because you met with your art club after class. 

Against his will, Beomgyu learned that Yeonjun had moved in with his grandparents after his parents’ messy separation. It was something they had in common (and something he sympathized with). Beomgyu’s mom had left home a few years ago after a fight with his father over his controlling behavior. At least Yeonjun had someone else that would cherish him, Beomgyu was left to battle his father day after day. 

You met Yeonjun on an evening he overstayed. Beomgyu had forgotten to keep track of the time, and you had wandered into Beomgyu’s backyard while the two of them were arguing about who was the better champion to play in League of Legends (the answer is Ezrael).

Beomgyu held his breath when you cut Yeonjun off to tell him that it was Jinx. Indifferent, Yeonjun shifted his focus to playfully arguing with you that Yasuo was the better champion. 

“You don’t really play, do you? You just picked him because he looks cool!” You placed your hands on your hips and rolled your eyes, giving Beomgyu a who even is this guy? look.

Yeonjun threw his head back and laughed. 

Beomgyu relaxed when he was able to tell that there wasn’t anything special with your interaction with him.

No blushing, no fluttering eyelashes, no flirting… Just a “nice to meet you” and a “see you around” before Yeonjun left to have dinner.

Little did he know, this was the beginning of the end. 

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Wednesday,  May 18th, 2016 — 15 years old

Beomgyu wouldn’t say he was interested in girls yet. Scratch that, he wouldn’t say he was interested in other girls yet because he was only interested in you.

On the other hand, Yeonjun seemed to have his eyes on every girl in the class. Mostly, Beomgyu just listened to Yeonjun talk about who had the prettiest hair, who was the sweetest, who wore the best perfume. Eventually, Yeonjun noticed that Beomgyu didn’t really seem to have much of an input to the conversation. 

During physical education, Yeonjun nudged him to ask who he had a crush on. Beomgyu tried to mumble something incoherent, but Yeonjun wasn’t letting the conversation go. He debated lying and telling him it was Wonyoung, one of the most popular girls in the class. But before a bruise could form in his ribs, Beomgyu decided it would be best to just tell him the truth. Besides, wasn’t there something about bro code?

That ended up being a huge mistake.

After his guitar lessons, Beomgyu came home to see you giggling with Yeonjun on your porch steps.

He became rooted to his spot, feet and hands going ice cold. Usually the two of you only hung out when he was around. Why were you two suddenly close enough to hangout with him? Was it a coincidence that Yeonjun knew he had a crush on you? What if Yeonjun was telling you that Beomgyu had a crush on you?

Upset, Beomgyu headed straight inside his home.

Yeonjun later reassured him that he was only telling you nice things about Beomgyu. He felt terrible for thinking badly of Yeonjun right away, blaming it on his unexplainable urge to want to hate him so badly.

However, over time, the conversation changed from “I think she likes you!” to “Did you know that ___…?” 

Of course Beomgyu knew. He knew everything about you! He’s known you since the two of you were six years old.

Eventually, Yeonjun no longer mentioned talking about him to you, and that’s when Beomgyu’s stomach dropped with a bad realization. 

Yeonjun started liking you too.

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Friday, September 2nd, 2016 – 15 years old

Your mother had caught Beomgyu’s father yelling at him. She was on her way to work when she oversaw the struggle happening. He was pushing a resisting Beomgyu out the door, still in his sleeping clothes. He was yelling for Beomgyu to run to the corner mart to get him something to eat, refusing to eat anything Beomgyu offered to cook him. 

Beomgyu was panicking. Would he have time to make it there and back in time to get ready? If he was even a minute late for school, he’d have to kneel with his hands behind his head for the first hour of class. 

When the door shut in front of Beomgyu, Beomgyu leaned against it to catch his breath. Your mother walked over to the fence and called him over. 

Ashamed, Beomgyu walked over with his head hung low. It wasn’t a secret that the two didn’t get along. He was certain that you all could overhear whenever his father and him got into fights. He really hoped that it wasn’t impacting the way your mother saw him. What if she banned him from hanging out around you?

Gently fixing his hair, she reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and she was more than happy to take him in her car quick enough to make it in time for school. Beomgyu swallowed the dry lump in his throat and gave her a string of thank yous. 

As Beomgyu was exiting the cars with his bag, your mom told him that he was welcome to come over in the mornings before his father woke up.

He hesitated in responding, worried about how you’d react.

She smiled at him. “I won’t tell ___ why. Don’t worry. She’ll be too excited to ask anyway.”

He relaxed and nodded. “Thank you.”

Before he exited, she leaned over and enveloped him into a hug. He fell right into it, grateful beyond what he could ever say.

If there was at least one person on his side, it would be your mother.

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Thursday, September 22nd, 2016 – 15 years old

Beomgyu was carefully attending to the philodendrons in your kitchen, while you washed the dishes from breakfast.

He was thankful that a new space had been created for you and him, without Yeonjun. 

“Beomgyu?” you called for him, sweetly, as you turned off the faucet.

He set the small watering can down on the counter before turning to you, carefully pushing away his fringe from blocking his sight. 

You swept the sleeve of your arm, gaze dropping to the ground. “W-what would you do if you developed a crush on a friend but didn’t want to ruin the friendship?”

He noticed how your voice grew smaller. It told him how this was really happening to you. Guessing who it was about, his stomach dropped.

Beomgyu adjusted his sweater falling off his shoulder as it hung over his lean frame, thinking about how to respond. 

“I wouldn’t say anything. So that person can stay by my side for longer.”

You slowly nodded, looking away as your eyes became glossy.

“Right, maybe you’re right.”

But what if he was wrong?

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Monday,  October 24th, 2016 – 15 years old

Beomgyu carefully examined his reflection through one of the fish tanks in the aquarium during the field trip. Right in the corner of his lip, was a tiny scab. He grimaced. It wasn’t a big deal since it wasn’t going to become a bruise. It was merely a mark from where the remote landed after his father sent it flying across the room. 

A giggle from the other side made him look closer to see you standing there. As you walked over to his side, he sucked in the corner of his lip and awkwardly smiled. 

“Careful, didn’t you hear what happened to poor ol’ Narcissus?” You teased him, gently brushing your shoulder against his arm. 

Beomgyu chuckled and gave a light shake of his head. “I don’t know,” he wrinkled his nose. “All I heard was that he was extremely handsome.”

You hummed, eyes scanning his face. “Yeah… he was.”

He bashfully looked away. 

“You haven’t been over for breakfast lately. Is everything okay?” You asked, a wrinkle between your eyebrows.

Yeah, apart from his father threatening to break his stuff if he left too early.

“Sorry, been sleeping in. I feel awful. I know your mom probably makes enough to feed an army.”

You laughed. “She does, and that army is you. So now we have a bunch of leftovers, but that’s okay. I can always bring them to you and Yeonjun.”

A bitter taste filled his mouth, but then you reached over to brush your finger along his fingertips, making Beomgyu’s heart stop beating for a second. 

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about someth-”

Yeonjun pops up beside you both, out of breath. “Hey!”

Beomgyu smiled inwardly, raising his eyebrows in a half-hearted greeting. 

You turned to look at Yeonjun and waved with a wiggle of your fingers. “Hey, Jun.”

“Time to choose partners. I know you two are inseparable, but if you ask me, it’s unfair that the top two in our class are always partners. Soooo I’m going to steal ___ from you, if that’s okay?” He teased Beomgyu, reaching for your hand.

Beomgyu’s jaw dropped, ready to complain. He went to reach for your other hand, but you turned to him.

“Just this once?” You hold up a finger by your mouth. You jump up to lean closer to him, whispering, “His grades are really bad!”

Beomgyu stuffed everything he wanted to say down his throat and gave a nod. 

The two of you walked away, hand in hand. 

He curled his fingers into his fist and sighed.

If only, it really was just once.

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Wednesday, March 23rd, 2017--- 16 years old

Beomgyu spent the last few months making excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with Yeonjun and you. It was for his own sanity because every time the three of you hung out, he would be too focused on how Yeonjun flirted with you, and how you let him.

Yeonjun even thanked him once for skipping out. Thanked him! As if he was doing it all on for his sake.

Beomgyu walked down the back steps of his house with a scoff, slamming the screen door closed.

Once inside his garage, he grabbed his guitar and plugged the cord into it before turning the volume on his amp all the way. 

Leaning back against the couch, he strummed until his calluses blistered all over again.

“Wow.”

Shocked, he looked over to see you shuffling your way inside.

As he sat up straighter, his long hair fell over his eyes.

“I can feel a whole lot of anger in that. Are you okay?” You plopped down next to him. “Is it… are you still fighting with your dad?”

Beomgyu controlled his breathing. His relationship with his father was actually getting better.

He had been impressed with the grades he was bringing home. Except this meant his dad didn’t agree with his love for music, wanting him to focus on getting into a top university. Why couldn’t two things be true at once? It wasn’t like Beomgyu’s studies were failing because of all the time he spent with the guitar. He was still the top of his class, and third in your year.

“No, I just have a lot on my mind.” He cleared his throat. “Thanks though.”

You swept his hair away from his forehead making Beomgyu shiver at how your soft touch tickled him.

“Yeonjun…” you started, and he winced at the name. “...told me he liked me.”

“Did he?” His voice squeezed out of his clenched throat. “Congratulations.”

Your hand dropped down to your lap, a flash of hurt momentarily on your face. It was quickly replaced with a smile that he thought he imagined it.

Did you come over to rub salt into his wound?

No. 

If only he could go back in time to scream at himself. You told him because you wanted him to get up and do something already. 

To be the one to ask you out instead. 

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Wednesday, July  30th, 2017 16 years old

Yeonjun was very popular with the class. Once the girls found out that he was no longer single, it was like the best thing on the lunch menu was taken away. Strangely, around the same time the news spread around, everyone had become nicer to Beomgyu.

He assumed it was only pity.

Beomgyu distanced himself (even more than he already had) out of respect for your relationship.

Maybe the separation between you two was needed. He was able to make new friends, others that shared his love for music. They would perform on stage in the auditorium after school, a spot people liked to loiter to do anything but go home. 

Kai scratched his head as he walked over to Beomgyu who was placing his electric guitar in its case. “A bunch of girls just jumped me to ask about you.”

“Did they?” Beomgyu grumbled, not interested in the slightest. He didn’t care unless they were you. 

“Ch’yeah. Next time, can you play in the front. I wanna test out a theory.”

“Theory?” he quirked his brow.

Kai nodded enthusiastically. “Whether our reputation will increase.”

Beomgyu slung his guitar bag over his shoulder. “It’s fine.”

Kai stepped in front of him to stop him from making an exit. He tapped his chin while pondering.

“Poor ___ kept craning her neck trying to get a sight of you. Think she was trying to get a good picture. You know, for the yearbook or something.’

He held onto his guitar strap tighter. Kai was probably just bluffing to get his way, but Beomgyu took it into consideration.

Despite hating the attention, he began to play in the center.

And Kai was right, their reputation increased. 

More and more people came to sit around to watch the band play, 

including you. 

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Saturday, August 4th, 2017 — 16 years old

Beomgyu leaned against the park’s tall, wired fence, watching the crowd walk over to the festival stage. It wasn’t a huge festival, but a small one for the town to celebrate the end of summer. 

The wind was picking up as the sun settled behind the clouds. It weaved through his hair, highlighted platinum as a true guitarist in a punk pop band would have it.

A figure was walking around the side of the stage, and it didn’t take him long to recognize Yeonjun. 

He couldn’t help but look behind him, wondering if it meant you were following closely behind.

You weren’t.

Yeonjun greeted him with a bottle of Milkis. After congratulating him, and making small talk about his band, he revealed that you two had taken a break.

“We’re meeting after to talk. I think I’m going to finally kiss her. Show her how much I’m really sorry.”

Yeonjun might as well have drenched him in gasoline and lit a match. 

He trembled on stage, trying to control his emotions. Of course, his wounded heart bled all over his guitar as it poured into his indecisive plucks and lazy slides. The only one that could understand his feelings through his playing would be you.

Were you out there listening? Could you tell that he was crying? Angry? That he wanted you? 

He ended up strumming too fast and hard, that his string snapped and fell forward, overworked. He cursed under his breath, turning his body to flash Soobin an exasperated look. Soobin flashed his eyes in annoyance, mouthing “what the hell are you doing?”

Regaining his composure, he adjusted his playing to make do without the string. 

As he climbed down the stage stairs, he slowed down to see you standing there waiting for him. 

The others threw him curious looks before stepping away to give the two of you privacy. 

“Hey!” You breathed, fiddling with your necklace as you eyed him.

He wore a black oversized sweater, underneath it was a white dress shirt, buttoned at the fourth button and down with a black tie loosely hanging. His black headband stayed around his neck like a choker. Both his hair and his eyes were wild, his eyes smeared with black eyeliner.

The responsibility of the band’s reputation was now all his. So he tried with his outfit, knowing that many would be seeing him first.

“Hi,” Beomgyu offered back. 

Your eyelids fluttered. “Um, I saw what happened. I thought it was pretty cool even though I knew it probably stressed you out.”

He shrugged.

You nodded, trying to keep the conversation going. 

Gosh, why was he being such an asshole?

“How have you been?”

“Could be better.” Beomgyu squinted as the wind blew harshly against his face as if scolding his behavior.

“Yeah,” you laughed nervously. “Same here.”

He shoved his hands into his sweater and looked around. “Have you met with Yeonjun already?”

“Yeonjun?” You frowned. “No, I- we broke up.”

“Well he’s going around saying it’s a break.” He shrugged his head to the side, poking his tongue against his cheek. 

“Isn’t it the same thing?” You lowered your voice.

“Very different things, angel.”

He didn’t miss how your cheeks blushed at the nickname. 

“A break means that you’re going to get back together eventually. Is that the plan?” He challenged, stepping closer. 

You raised your eyes to meet his. “I honestly don’t know.”

He looked toward the night sky, recalling what Yeonjun told him. “Well you don’t have much time to think about it. Said he’s going to kiss you tonight.”

“Hmm?” You tilted your head shocked, eyes suddenly unable to hold his stare. 

“You ready?” He whispered, taunting you. 

“T-to kiss him?”

“Mhm. Let me guess, first time?”

Your body twitched, face flushing deeper.

Beomgyu chuckled, soured at the thought that you were going to give your first kiss to Yeonjun.

“Actually, yeah… do you think you can help me?” 

His eyes darted back to you, who frowned at him, annoyed with his behavior.  

“You seem concerned, Gyu. Why don’t you help me?” you challenged back.

Beomgyu froze. 

Pulling on his tie, you yanked him down closer. His breath shook as it escaped past his lips and tickled yours.

You gave a gentle tug of his tie to ensure he wouldn’t move before moving your hand to hold his cheek. He felt it tremble as you tip-toed and placed your lips over his. 

They were pressed so tightly against his, his nose brushed against your cheek.

He inhaled deeply, a sound escaping him from the relief he felt. It encouraged you to sweep your lips between his before stealing kiss after kiss. 

Cutting the kisses short, you pulled away with a stuttering inhale. It went by too fast and Beomgyu wished he grabbed your waist a little tighter to prevent you from leaving him. 

“Thanks. Think I’m ready now!” You threw at him before rushing away. 

Beomgyu leaned against the stairs and cursed under his breath.

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Tuesday, May 13th, 2018 — 17 years old

Words no longer passed between the two of you. You lived in different worlds with vastly different friend groups. Beomgyu was beginning to lose a grip on his life. The fights with his father returned and kept growing. He was no longer hanging out with you, and started dating a girl, one who was into the things they warned you about growing up.

Yeonjun was the star athlete of the basketball team and remained extremely well-liked. He even encouraged you to join the cheer team.

Whenever you and Yeonjun would walk in the hallway, everyone stopped to stare. Meanwhile, Beomgyu would have to rip his eyes away from you to bury his head into his locker and prevent himself from throwing up.

Kai, Soobin, and him walked into the music room to rehearse. Weirdly, you all were out of tune— even the drums. Beomgyu looked closer at his guitar, a suspicious feeling that someone had come in and messed with their instruments. It wasn’t until Soobin groaned that one of his bass strings had broken that he felt validated in his suspicion. 

Beomgyu walked around looking for a trace. On his amp, a giant footprint marked the surface. “Someone came and messed with our instruments.”

“Who would even do that?” Kai adjusted his drum head.

Peering over at the garbage can, Beomgyu found a crushed can of milkis.

You were cheering for the basketball game when Beomgyu walked into the gymnasium, guitar in hand and a thin scratch across his cheek.

You wanted to desperately follow him, but Yeonjun whistled for your attention. Beomgyu ruffled his hand through his hair in frustration as he paced back and forth waiting for halftime to be called. 

Yeonjun walked over to him, wiping his sweat away with the bottom of his jersey. “What's up?”

“You did this?” Beomgyu raised his guitar.

“It was just a prank.” Yeonjun scoffed.

“Prank? When you’re the only one laughing? What’s wrong with you? What does the basketball team have against the band, my band?” Beomgyu shook his head in disbelief, voice increasing in volume. “The opposing team, I get. They play against you. The cheer team? Cute, you’re all dating them. My band? You were my friend.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “Is this really because we moved some things that could easily-”

“You damaged some of our instruments!”

“- Because I think this is about something else. You’re jealous, aren’t you?”

“Fucking suck my dick, Yeonjun.”

Yeonjun stepped closer. “You’re jealous that I’m dating ___.”

Beomgyu huffed through his nose. “Really? I don’t give a fuck about ____!”

Yeonjun raised his eyebrows and motioned beside Beomgyu. Beomgyu turned to find you standing closely. He stepped back, feeling like he was punched in the gut. 

Turning back to Yeonjun, he told him. “Just leave us alone.” 

Defeated, he walked past you.

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Monday, May 14th, 2018 — 17 years old

Beomgyu felt like scum on earth. He tried to apologize to you right away after his anger subsided.

He approached you while you sat down eating your lunch. He was met with five other pairs of angry eyes from the other girls on the cheer team. Gulping, he placed his hands on the table and leaned in closer to softly call your name for your attention.

You continued to eat your food, ignoring him.

Rightfully so.

He slid his hands away from the table, tapping his finger nervously against his jeans instead.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it, I was just – well – I should shut up before I make excuses, right?”

He nodded and walked away.

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Friday, November 27th 2019 — 18 years old

Beomgyu’s life continued its downward spiral to hell. His father was relentless, but at least, this time he was old enough to retaliate.

Beomgyu stormed out of the house, the bent-out-of-shape storm door hitting the doorframe harshly. He locked eyes with your dad from over the fence.

He never really interacted with your father since he was a busy businessman frequently on trips. Beomgyu stared at him with a bruised cheek and busted lip, a small hint of a hurting boy who was pleading for someone to intervene.

Your dad looked at him in disapproval.

“If you would just listen to your dad.”

Beomgyu breathed in sharply, finding it hard to take in a full breath.

“What a disgrace.” He fixed his suit before getting in the black van waiting for him at the street.

He swallowed down his cough.

Deciding he was done feeling numb, he left to get his first tattoo. 

The tattoo artist, Yunjin, was friendlier than anyone in his life at the time.

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Thursday, January 1st, 2020 — 18 years old.

Beomgyu smoked his cigarette on the front porch. Your dad walked out of the house with the same scorn on his face whenever he laid eyes on him.

Beomgyu chuckled, maintaining eye contact until Yunjin stepped out of her uber in a short miniskirt and bralette. He welcomed her with open arms and took her straight to his room.

In seconds, his shirt was off and he was pushed to sit on the bed as she jumped onto him to plant kisses wherever her lips landed. As she trailed them down his neck, he looked outside of his window across to yours.

Your blinds were pulled up and he saw the light flicker on in your room. 

Yunjin made her way down to his waistband and he hovered his hand above her head, waiting for the moment her lips wrapped around the tip of his dick. Tilting his head back with a breathy chuckle, he guided her movements until he came right into her mouth. 

Pulling her up, he made out with her while his fingers slipped inside of her.

When they were finished, they sat on the bed, passing a joint.

Beomgyu looked back over to the window.

He found that your blinds were now closed.

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Tuesday, March 13th, 2020 — 19 years old

Beomgyu stumbled out of his house, slamming against the side of his car. The rain was coming down hard, but he didn’t seem to be mentally there to care. He rested his cheek against the cool surface of his car window, the chill helping the new bruises.

His dad threw out his duffel bag and it wasn't until Beomgyu saw his guitar slam into the guitar that he lost it.

Screaming at his father, he swore he was never going to return to the house again.

His dad responded by throwing him the car keys.

“Fucking leave, then! Don’t fucking have them fucking call me when you fucking crash!”

Beomgyu flared his eyes in disgust. Picking up his bag, he threw it into the back of the truck before climbing in and trying to start the failing engine.

“Come on, come on, you stupid piece of shit.” He punched the horn before resting his forehead on the steering wheel. 

It was his 19th birthday and his dad was kicking him out.

The world was spinning and he was leaving it.

He heard a car pull up next door, and a car door slam.

“Beomgyu?” You approached him.

He opened his eyes, turning his head slightly to see if he was dreaming or if you really were standing on your side of the driveway.

You looked just as rough as he did. Your hair was turning into waves from the rain, and your windbreaker hung loose in your frame.

Beomgyu didn’t want you to walk closer, to see him like this. But, you did.

“Where are you going?” You asked with concern.

Beomgyu kept his eyes on you. You noted how red they were but you couldn’t tell if it was from crying or smoking.

Beomgyu chuckled without humor. “Away.”

He turned the key once more and this time, the car roared to life. He reached out to close the door.

Your arm snapped to hold it open. “Not like that you aren’t!”

Beomgyu bounced his leg, feeling the urge to sprint instead. He really hated that you were seeing him like this.

He clenched his jaw before rolling his head your way. “Like what, angel?”

“You’re drunk.” Your voice shook with accusation.

Beomgyu hummed. “I’m drunk,” he repeated.

He gently swiped your arm in an attempt to close the door but you angrily stepped onto the footing of the truck. Beomgyu froze when you climbed onto his lap and turned the truck off. He was tempted to wrap his arms around you and feel safe for once. 

Twisting the key out, you slid back toward the ground.

He leaned back and stared at you.

“I’ve been kicked out of my house, ___. I have no other choice, but to leave.”

You raised your eyebrows. “He kicked you out on your birthday?”

Beomgyu was surprised that you remembered it was his birthday. 

He shrugged. “Nothing special about it.”

You frowned and looked back at your house. “Don’t leave. Stay with me.”

Beomgyu chuckled. “Angel, your father hates me as much as everyone else.”

“He’s leaving for work soon. He won’t know you’re there. Please.”

“Your mom?”

“She’s visiting my aunt.”

Beomgyu kept staring at you.

“Please, until you sober up?” You pleaded.

Beomgyu looked toward your house. Eventually, he nodded. “My car?”

“I’ll park it somewhere in the neighborhood.” You reassured him.

He hesitated a bit before giving in.

Beomgyu waited while you found a parking spot in the neighborhood for his car. He leaned against a tree near the street with his duffel bag until you came running back down the sidewalk.

You surprised him by taking his hand and pulling him over to where your bedroom window was.

“Stay here!” You pushed out as you caught your breath. 

He nodded obediently while you rushed toward the front of your house.

Beomgyu nervously glanced around. What if he looked like he was about to break into your house? What if the neighbors saw you sneak him in and told your father? This was sounding more and more like a bad idea.

Your window slammed open, making Beomgyu’s shoulders jump..

“Just me. Quick!” 

Beomgyu’s heart raced as he held onto the window frame and used his strength to lift himself in.

“Sorry, I’m all wet.” He scooted off your bed.

“Me too. It’s okay.” You placed his bag on your computer chair and showed him where your shoe rack was for his shoes.

As Beomgyu took off his jacket, he looked around your room. It didn’t look that much different than when he was last there. You just had more posters, a makeup table, a mirror, and fairy lights.

Beomgyu stared over the photos on your wall, feeling his heart drop when none of them were of you two anymore. Yeonjun and you were the new majority, and that was enough to sober him up. 

Yup, this is a bad idea.

With a large inhale, he turned back toward you, surprised to find you watching him. Your eyes trailed up his body and widened when he caught you.

“I… um… still have our photos.” You blushed.

Beomgyu chuckled. “It’s fine if you don’t.” 

You reached for his hand again, leading him back over to your bed. Beomgyu didn’t know why he kept letting you. Afterall, you two weren’t six anymore and you belonged to Yeonjun.

You opened up your nightstand wardrobe and pulled out a couple photos to show him. He took one in his hand. 

It was when you were younger and he had just gotten his guitar, a gift from one of the older neighborhood kids. He was learning how to play and was showing you his first song. You sat there, hands clasped together excitedly as you admired him. He could see it in your eyes how much you used to adore him back then.

A small smile tugged on his lips.

If only, If only, if only…

If only he had done something before Yeonjun came around.

He gently set the photo back down into the drawer, and closed it away forever.

Your dad called your name out. You stood up and walked over to the door. “Yeah?”

“I’m leaving now.”

“Okay, love you.”

You both stilled, holding your breath, until the front door closed.

Turning around, you leaned against the door, waiting until the sound of his ride drove off.

Beomgyu watched you carefully, unsure of what the plan was. Was he going to wait out the storm and then leave? He was feeling sober enough already and he didn't want things to get any more awkward between the two of you.

You frowned, catching something on him, walking over quickly, you lift the short sleeve more to see his tattoo. "Is this real?"

Beomgyu looked down at the small north star he had on his arm. "I don't know. It still hasn't come off in the shower."

You swatted his arm, understanding he was teasing you. Tracing over it, you asked, "Did it hurt?"

He laughed at the question. "Not more than what I've been through."

You didn't seem to find that funny, a flash of concern washed over your face. "Do you have more?"

Beomgyu watched you trace over the star, goosebumps appearing on his skin. "A couple more."

"Where?" You asked.

"Mmm back, just under my neck, inner thigh, lower abdomen..."

Your mouth parted in awe. "What are they of?"

"Stars," he responded, "All different kinds of stars."

"Can I see them?" You asked. "Can I see the stars?"

Beomgyu warmed. He'd learn to fly and take you to see the real ones if he could.

"Gunna have to take my clothes off. Is that okay?"

You nodded, stepping back to give him room. "You should anyway... since they're wet and... and I don't want you to get sick."

Well, he wouldn't want you to keep worrying about him.

Reaching for the back of his shirt, he slipped it off, his hair ruffling in the process.

As he fixed it, you stepped closer to gently turn him. Your touch was ice against his hot skin.

You traced over the stars sprinkled down his spine, and then back to the one in his arm. When your eyes swept down his abdomen, he knew you were searching for the other one he had mentioned. Still, it stirred something dangerous within him.

"Oh!" You gasped, hooking your finger onto his pants and pulling them down. Beomgyu almost leapt in the air.

"Careful." He wrapped his hand around your wrist to stop you from exposing him.

You bit down on your lip, reading the lettering appearing.

"Star..." you tug a little lower, as far as Beomgyu let you. "Seeker?"

He tried to control his breathing, but your fingers were dangerously close to a part of him that was harder to control.

Hearing his shaky exhale, you pulled your hand back. "Sorry."

He looked up at you and shook his head. "Don't be, angel."

You cooled your cheeks with the back of your hand. "I love it when you call me angel." you admit, voice lowering. "But I know you only say it to tease me...."

He tilted his head. "At first, I did... but..."

But then it meant something different to him, a dying man.

He felt a drop on his arm from the ends of your hair. He blinked in surprise. "You're too busy worrying about me being sick that I think you've forgotten about yourself."

Your face fell in disappointment.

"I'll be fine," you attempted to reassure him as he reached up to play with the ends of your hair.

He frowned at you, scolding you with your full name.

You rolled your eyes. "It's like you still see me as..."

He raised an eyebrow, curious for you to finish your sentence.

"Fine!" You slapped your hands onto his shoulders before taking a step back and grabbing the ends of your shirt.

Beomgyu was about to banter with you when you tugged your shirt over your head and tossed it toward the bed.

He clenched his jaw, eyes trailing over your black bra to your low waisted jeans.

Fuck.

"This too?" You asked him, unbuttoning your pants.

He said your name as a warning.

You stepped out of your jeans and reached behind your bra. "And this-"

Beomgyu reached over to stop you, causing you to tumble into his arms.

He groaned your name out. He actually made it out in his truck and crashed, right? Because this could never happen in reality.

You trailed your hands over his abdomen, and your breathing became shallower. He was getting lightheaded from holding in his breath, making the room start to spin.

Trailing your hands down to his pants, you undid his belt on his baggy jeans. He tilted his head back, his hands falling to your sides as he let you.

“Angel, what are you doing?” His eyes drooped, unable to control the blood rushing down to his dick.

You looked at him with lust-filled eyes. "I want to kiss you."

With a sharp inhale of desperation, he rushed to do so.

You met him halfway. He kissed you hard, until his lungs burned for air. When he paused for a breath, you kept kissing him, dragging his bottom lip to pull him back in. He picked up your lips again, tilting your head back so he could swipe his tongue into your mouth. 

You panted into his, the two of you sharing the air to survive until you pulled away for a deeper one.

Looking down, you tugged on his pants and boxers, in a rush. Beomgyu helped by lifting his hips, relieved wheb his dick was free from restriction.

You glided your hand over his length, moaning to let him know you were just as turned on as he was.

He was drunk on your touch already, looking up at you with want and desire. You fell down for a kiss, tugging him to follow you as you got on the bed and guided him over you. Beomgyu followed you in his trance.

His lips were swollen as you nipped them teasingly between your kisses. He didn't know when you tugged down your panties, but all he felt was you spread your legs as he situated himself between you.

“Will it hurt?” you whispered with trembling lips.

He freezes. “Is this…”

You nod but pull him in to distract him with your lips again.

“Are you sure?” Beomgyu pulled back to check.

Your thumb brushed against his cheek. “I’m sure, Gyu.”

“What about…?” 

You shut him up with your kiss.

‘We broke up. I thought it was obvious?”

He panted, eyes stuck on your lips, your kisses becoming his new addiction.

“Please Beomgyu, just please.” You murmured, more tempting than a siren could sing.

It was never going to take a lot to convince Beomgyu.

His fingers brushed over your skin as he ran them everywhere he could reach. Your skin felt like pearls against the end of his fingers, and he wanted to keep feeling you over and over. You were receptive to his touch, opening yourself up more so he could make sure that there wasn’t an area left untouched. There wasn’t going to be, not when he didn’t know when he would ever have a chance to again.

Eventually, his fingers weren’t enough and he had to have his lips on you. Bending down he placed a kiss on your abdomen, satisfied when you tensed. He trailed more kisses as he went lower and lower, your breathing was growing sharper and sharper.

When he brushed his lips between your folds, you folded your leg in to grant him more access to you. 

Beomgyu had enough of holding himself back and swiped his tongue against you for a taste, a loud groan leaving him. You tasted both bitter and sweet, a taste he would never forget but will forever crave. 

He traveled his tongue further, rolling his eyes back as he ate you until you were crying with pleasure. His mouth became coated with how wet you were becoming and the saliva that overflowed his mouth. 

It was for the best that no one was home, because you were gasping with no control. The way you cried for him sent a shiver down his spine. 

Pulling back, he swiped his tongue across his lips and looked at the state you were in. Your hair was fanned out with a few strands across your forehead from rolling your head from side to side. The blush over your cheeks and eyelids were prettier than any shade of makeup would be. 

You caught your breath, your hand slipping away from your mouth before meeting his eyes with a smile. 

He crawled over you, his fingers tracing between your folds, your head tilted back. Beomgyu whispered about how beautiful you were before kissing your neck as his fingers worked inside of you. It was even better having you moan right into his ears, your breathy voice making him dizzy. Beomgyu groaned.

Feeling himself ache, he positioned himself at your entrance before pushing in. He was trying his best to not thrust into you and fuck you without control. It was easier when he could hear your whines of pain while adjusting to his size. 

“Sorry, angel.” Beomgyu breathed, pulling you closer into him as he massaged the back of your head. You wrapped your arms around his neck and shook your head. “K-keep going.”

He rocked his hips gently into your warmth, his eyes rolling back when he suddenly slipped in further, feeling the smoothness and heat of you all around him. He was going to cum right inside. 

“Oh, fuck.” He panted, smiling from the ecstasy of it all. 

You bit your lip and held him tightly, laughing with him. 

Your laughter turned into moans as Beomgyu rocked into you. He laid you back down on the bed carefully sinking into bliss further. 

Lips parted open and lids heavy, he increased his thrusts as he fell in love with you more. 

He wanted you, needed you, had you. 

Thrusting harder, he lost control. You dragged your fingernails down his back as he folded your leg in and pounded faster.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You grasped at his back like you were desperate for something to hang onto. He sucked on your neck hard enough to leave a mark, then two more. 

You gasped for air. 

Right before you climaxed, you gripped his face in your hands. “Do you love me?”

Beomgyu lazily moaned out what he could. “Fucking much.”

Tears welled up in your eyes, sticking to your eyelashes with every blink. 

“I love you, Beomgyu. I love you.”

He unraveled. 

.

.

Wednesday, March 14th, 2020 — 19 years old

The next morning, Beomgyu stared at your face as you snuggled into his arms. The warmth was leaving the room as the cold from the morning was creeping through the cracks of your window.

He still hadn't slept. Too busy in his thoughts and watching over you.

He gently stroked your cheek, the small upturn of the corner of your lips warming his heart.

Your phone went off and as Beomgyu sat up to check what it was, he saw Yeonjun’s name flash across the screen.

His stomach twisted.

He knew he shouldn’t have, but he checked the message anyway. If he didn't, he was going to feel sick until you woke up to explain.

Yeonjun: Did you run to him? Did you toss away what we had just like that?

Beomgyu set the phone down, a gust of a breath leaving him.

Was that what came over you?

It was a hard pill to swallow for him. It was merely his lack of confidence talking. Yet, he felt the urge to run before you could explain it to him.

What if the truth destroyed him? What if he lost his temper like his dad? What if he lost himself more than he already has?

Before he completely left the door, he decided to write his phone number on a piece of paper and place it in the drawer that contained the hidden pictures of you two.

He was an idiot for still having hope.

Grabbing his car keys, he walked out.

It would be up to you now if you kept him in the drawer.

.

,

,

Thursday, March 15th, 2020 — 19 years old

Beomgyu hung out at the guitar shop Kai managed, playing through some of the guitars he could only dream of affording. 

Kai sat at the computer at the front, silent in concentration while he updated the inventory.

Startling them both, Beomgyu’s phone rang in his jacket pocket. He fished it out, struggling with the inside lining of his pocket. 

Kai laughed. “Put the guitar down, Gyu.”

Beomgyu stuck his tongue out at him as he set it down to hold his phone out in front of him, his elbows resting on his knees.

He didn’t recognize the number calling and wondered if it was you. His thumb brushed his phone screen as he hesitated on answering. 

“Hello?” He greeted before he missed the call.

“Beomgyu?” Your voice came through on the other end.

He released the breath he kept in. You found his number. “__?”

“Why did you leave?” You asked, a hint of annoyance in your tone.

His heart fluttered at the thought that you cared. “Your dad was going to come home. Didn’t want to be buried six feet under in your backyard.” 

He was half serious, but you ended up laughing at the other end, making him smile.

“Don’t worry, I would’ve dug you back up quickly.”

There was something different with your voice that caused the butterflies in his abdomen to flutter like crazy.

“Anyway, I have something to tell you. Kind of a secret I’ve been keeping from you.”

“What is it, angel?” He reached over to strum a string on the guitar, fearing it was a confession regarding Yeonjun afterall.

You took a deep breath as if you were about to say it, but then giggled nervously. “I’m scared,” you whispered. 

He leaned back, eyeing Kai who was giving him a questioning look. He mouthed your name to confirm who Beomgyu was speaking to. Beomgyu nodded in return.

“You’re scared?" He repeated in disbelief.

You take another deep breath. “I… really do like you, Beomgyu. I meant everything I said when we…you know.”

Beomgyu got up from his seat, his heart threatening to leap out of his chest.

“You do?” He couldn’t control how big his smile got.

“Yes! Do you … do you like me too?” You laugh feeling ridiculous with how you were sounding like two teenagers discovering their crush for the first time. And maybe because this was a conversation that was long overdue.

“More than you think.” He revealed. He told you everything last night, just not in words.

Kai mimicked his flirtatious tone. Beomgyu flipped him off, but kept the grin plastered on his face.

“Good. Then, can we see each other this weekend?”

Beomgyu leaned his head against the door as he looked out. There was still snow piled up on the ground. “I’ll plan everything, angel. Pick you up at 4?”

“Please.”

.

.

.

Saturday, March 17th, 2020 — 19 years old

The doctor checked his eyes with the ophthalmoscope as he held up his fingers for Beomgyu to follow. Annoyed, Beoomgyu did so.

He had just gotten into a small car accident. The car in front of him lost control when their tires went over black ice, causing them to hit the stiff ice plowed over to the side of the street and spin toward the front of his truck. Beomgyu’s headlights were busted and the airbags went off, but he wasn’t injured. Not badly.

He texted you that he was going to be late in picking you up. He didn’t disclose that he was in an accident because he knew that it would worry you. 

After three hours, he was able to leave the hospital with a wrist brace. When he was able to check his phone, he saw that you hadn’t responded to any of his texts. 

An unsettling feeling creeped over him. What if you thought he was bailing? What if something bad happened to you?

He raced over to your house as soon as he was able to get a car rental. As he approached your house, he noticed a black corvette in your driveway. Yeonjun.

He got out of his car and leaned against it, the adrenaline running through him was making him sick. Like a coward, he didn’t step any closer. 

He attempted to reach you once more, but got your voicemail.

His heart was officially in his stomach now. 

If he walked in there and you revealed that you had chosen Yeonjun over him, he would not be able to get past the smirk Yeonjun would throw his way.

“Oh, you were just a rebound.” 

Pathetic.

And stupid. How could Beomgyu think things could work out between the two of you? Yeonjun and you have gone out for years now. Everything you said during sex was just sex talk to turn each other on.

He sat in his car and waited for a few more minutes. When you didn’t text back, he bit the inside of his cheek and sped away.

He sent you one last text before driving toward the city.

Beomgyu: I’m sorry.

You never responded.

.

.

.

Tuesday, July 17th, 2021 — 20 years old

Unable to sleep as usual, Beomgyu rolled out of bed. After throwing on a hoodie and fixing his hair under a ballcap, he grabbed his guitar and stepped out of the apartment he shared with Soobin to find somewhere to play downtown. 

Despite it being nearly 3 a.m., it was loud and crowded, shrill laughter hitting his ears. The streets filled with people going in and out of clubs or bars, people busking, or groups scarfing down shared take-out. His mouth watered when the warm air of cinnamon sugar wrapped around him. 

Soobin was out with Taehyun. Shortly after he left, he told you that Yeonjun was over as well. They had met at the same university and became close. Soobin also shared that Yeonjun and you were together. 

Beomgyu always had a hunch that you two got together that night, but now he knew for certain.

Finding a spot between two buildings facing the larger digital billboards, he plugged his guitar into his amp and checked the tuning. When his fingers strummed along the strings, he relaxed. The only time that he could feel normal was when he was playing his music. Every other time, it was like he was going through some kind of drug withdrawal.

He covered a few well known songs to get comfortable and draw a crowd in. At some point, two best friends had started to dance in the space in front of him, drunk and happy. Beomgyu smiled, changing the song to something he wrote himself. 

Smoking on the side of the building, he stared at the stragglers roaming the streets. In about an hour, the sun would begin to rise. 

His mind drifted back to thinking about you. From the way you looked at him, the way you felt in his arms, to the way your voice grew soft when you told him you loved him. Damn, he had you and let you go so easily. But he understood it was for the best. He wanted to feel like a choice and not a rebound. 

He packed up to leave, zipping up his guitar in its case.

“Beom…gyu?”

His head lifted, not recognizing the girl standing in front of him. He had trouble seeing her with the lights from the digital ad swallowing her whole. But he wasn’t familiar with any petite girl with shoulder length jet-black hair. 

Maybe he’s smoking so much he’s starting to forget who he’s meeting with.

“Oh,” she tapped her red kitten heels against the cobblestone. “Sorry! I really enjoy when you come out to play here. Mind if we get a picture?”

Beomgyu blinked slowly. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

She gave a little jump of glee before going into her crossbody purse to take out her phone for a picture. He was thankful with her waiting until he appeared perfectly in position to secure a photo.

“Thank you! I’ll send them to you too. Number?”

Beomgyu bit his lip, unsure if he should give it to her. 

She batted her eyelashes and covered her mouth. “Are you not able to give it out? Are you secretly debuting?”

The laughter escaped him. Him? Debuting? That was hilarious. 

Gently taking the phone from her hand, he placed his phone number in her contacts. She waited patiently, gazing at his face the entire time. 

“There. Text me anytime.”

She bit her lip and nodded before turning with a wave. As she walked away, she couldn’t help but glance over at him from her shoulder. 

He chuckled and gave her a small wave in return.

Soobin later convinced him to go out with her.

Not knowing that she was connected to you.

.

.

.

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2021 —  20 years old

Her name was Chaewon. She came to every one of his performances, and stayed until the very last minute even if it meant sleeping while leaning over his guitar case. 

Beomgyu became happier with her around.

He cut his hair neater, started eating better, and taking care of physique. The color was returning to his cheek and eyes, making it less scary to look in the mirror. 

His music was also reaching more people, proven through his increase in social media followers.

Like a bad habit, he wondered if any of them were you.

He knew he shouldn’t, but he’d check on you from time to time. You posted a lot about the places you would visit in your small, college town. None of the recent posts had you and Yeonjun together, making him wonder if you were still together. 

Your post today was of you pretending to snooze away at the doorstep of a music shop with the caption No good music lately. Any recommendations? 

For you, he’d write a million songs. Enough for you to never run out of anything new. 

A message floated in from Chaewon, making him brush away all his thoughts of you.

Chae: Come with me to a gathering with my friends on the 8th? :-)

.

.

.

Tuesday, October 8th, 2021 — 20 years old

Beomgyu twisted the tips of his hair between his fingers as he sat at the bar with Chaewon and her friends that showed up early. He tried to be present but he had a bad habit retreating into his mind whenever he was out of his comfort zone. 

Chaewon praised Beomgyu, telling her friends about how he had several love calls from recruiters. Some were even from big name companies, but Beomgyu was taking the time to decide which one he would be going with.

He chuckled at how animated she was, Chaewon accidentally sending the chapstick in her hand flying. 

He caught it with one hand before it went too far.

“My hero.” She giggled, leaning in for a quick kiss. Happily, he closed his eyes and kept her in the kiss playfully.

Someone watching cleared their throat. 

He turned, shocked to find Yeonjun standing in front of him.

Right next to him was you.

Chaewon immediately sprung from her chair, squealing your name with her arms high above her. Beomgyu had trouble understanding how the two of you knew each other. 

She wrapped you in a tight hug. Much like his reaction, you were stunned at finding Beomgyu there with Chaewon.

“Glad you guys could make it! Are the streets still flooded from the rain? Oh, by the way, I need to introduce you to my boyfriend, Beomgyu.” She whirled over to stand by his side.

Beomgyu stood up slowly, hands in his pockets.

“We already know him.” Yeonjun told Chaewon before his eyes met Beomgyu’s. He stretched out his hand. “It’s good to see you again.”

Beomgyu knew there was more to this handshake if he returned it. It meant putting away everything from the past and moving on.

Chaewon nudged him with a confused look. It made him move on his own and return the handshake. 

He tried not to look at you before responding with a quick, “Good to see you both, too.”

He didn’t miss how you tucked yourself behind Yeonjun.

With everyone having arrived, Chaewon asked to move over to a private corner with a table and ordered a couple of bottles of Soju. The girls all caught up with one another, mainly talking about how hard the courses they were taking were or how expensive clothes, makeup, and purses were getting. 

Beomgyu occupied himself with an order of nachos, knowing nothing about what college was like or the cost of makeup. He could tell by Yeonjun’s glances that he wanted to talk to him, considering they were the only guys there. 

But every time he would open his mouth, Beomgyu would crunch loudly on the chip before sending Kai another random emoji to seem occupied with his phone. Kai ended up responding with Why are you spamming me??

Chaewon tapped the table for Yeonjun’s attention, moving her finger between him and you. “So what’s the reason?”

Yeonjun sat up straighter, missing the context. He looked at you for help. 

“You guys have been dating for a really long time, haven’t you?” Chaewon asked.

“Four years.’ Yeonjun smiled, taking your hand underneath the table.

Four years, plus a couple of breaks in between.

You nodded, eyes accidentally connecting with Beomgyu’s. He felt his lungs struggling to take a breath in. Sitting back, he attempted to soften his gaze.

“So,” Chaewon clasped her hands together. “When’s the wedding?”

The other girls whined in agreement. 

“Marry her, Yeonjun!”

“I would be the perfect maid of honor!”

Yeonjun laughed, stopping once before letting out more. “Appreciate the support. We’ll get there, you know, when her father won’t want to kill me.”

Chaewon huffed in annoyance. “Fair.”

Beomgyu looked off to the side at the bartender making drinks. One would hurt him, so he didn’t budge. 

“What about you two? We didn’t know you were dating someone, Chae. How did you two meet?” Yeonjun leaned in closer, trying to engage Beomgyu in conversation. 

To Beomgyu’s rescue, Chaewon happily told you both about how she would always pass by the street he was playing as she visited her older sister’s house. Beomgyu’s eyebrows raised because he was learning she had a sister for the first time.

She smiled his way. “And we’ve been together ever since. Almost a few months in and come to think of it, I don’t know anything about your parents.”

He swallowed hard, reaching for the glass of water on the table for comfort. “They died when I turned 19.”

You looked down at your lap, knowing the truth. Seeing that, Beomgyu felt the emotions creeping up his throat. 

“I’m… going to step out for a second.” He pushed himself up and headed for the exit in time, his vision fogging up. Chaewon attempted to follow him, but he reassured her that he would be right back.

The rainstorm had calmed down, but the petrichor remained. 

Beomgyu leaned his head back against the building and counted everything around him — the trees, the birds in the sky, the cars that passed by, the number of times the streetlight flickered.

As long as he was counting, he wasn’t retreating to the dark space in his mind where he was 19 again and his life was falling apart. It was hard with you and Yeonjun around. 

When Beomgyu returned inside, he noticed how you sat with a small frown on your face as you stared at Chaewon. Hearing him step closer, you fixed your face. 

Chaewon swayed while holding a shot glass up toward him. 

He put his hand between him and the glass. “I don’t drink.”

“Come on!” Chaewon giggled, pushing it around his hand every time he tried to block it. It was worse fighting her when he fully sat down. 

Not wanting to cause a scene, he accepted it.

“He said he doesn't drink.” You spoke up before his lips touched the glass. 

Everyone looked at you, including him.

Chaewon sat down and pouted, taking it from his fingers. He felt relief immediately. 

“Fine. You don’t have to drink it.”

To ease the tension, Beomgyu chuckled at Chaewon.

“You guys are really cute together.” Yeonjun complimented, taking a shot of his own. 

“Right?” he asked you.

You nod once and take a sip of your drink.

Chaewon placed her face into her palm and grinned. “Don’t we? I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”

As everyone headed out, Beomgyu felt a gentle tug on his sleeve. He was surprised to find it was you and not Chaewon.

“Hey,” you breathed nervously. “H-how have you been?”

He scanned the room for Yeonjun, seeing that he was most likely in the bathroom. Would you have spoken to him otherwise?

“Good.” 

“Yeah? I can tell. You seem happier.” Your blush couldn’t cover up the real one appearing on your cheeks.

“So do you.” Beomgyu returned to wrapping his scarf around his throat, cutting the conversation dry.

You hugged your arms, remaining in place as if deciding whether to continue trying or to leave. Choosing the latter, you turned.

“Four years, huh?” Beomgyu let slip, wanting to kick himself immediately. It was like he had no control of himself anymore and was watching from the outside.

You searched for something in his eyes. “I- We – “

Beomgyu laughed without humor, fingers twitching inside his coat pocket.

“We weren’t together w-when-“

Beomgyu grimaced, looking toward where Chaewon was saying goodbye to her other friends. Yeonjun stepped out of the bathroom and immediately caught you both.

“Does he know?” Beomgyu asks you. 

“No,” you shrunk into yourself.

“It’s for the best, right? A mistake like that won’t happen again, anyway.”

Before Yeonjun made it over, Beomgyu fished out his car keys and pushed himself out of the bar. 

Unfortunately, he still had to wait in his car for Chaewon.

As Yeonjun and you stepped out, Yeonjun waved his hand up toward him. You must’ve told him the conversation between the two of you was merely nothing. 

Beomgyu pursed his lips in a smile, and waved his fingers up from the steering wheel.

As if they were the friends they used to be.

.

.

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Saturday, December 25th, 2021— 20 years old

It took a while before Beomgyu had the heart to let go of his grudge against you two.

One night, he had gotten drunk off a wine that was sent over from a recruiter. He thought he could celebrate with one glass. One glass turned into another, and eventually he finished the entire bottle.

The next day, during his hangover, he decided to read through the messages on his music page while piled under two blankets.

He had to blink several times when a comment came from you.

Good luck, Gyu. I've had this song on repeat all day. Wishing you all the best!

After following you back, he discovered that you had been commenting on his posts for a while. It softened his heart, and he knew that you didn't deserve to be treated so poorly from him.

So, he invited you and Yeonjun to his showcase.

Beomgyu had just finished talking to the manager who wanted to recruit him when he saw the two of you standing toward the back of the venue.

Yeonjun laughed when he made it over after a few long minutes of being interrupted for photos. “Congratulations, man.”

“Thanks.” Beomgyu’s eyes fell to the flowers that you held in your hands. His eyes softened. “Are these for me?”

You smiled with relief and held the arrangement out, proudly. “Congratulations, Gyu! It was packed in here.”

Accepting the flowers, his fingers lightly brushed against yours. He tried not to think much of it. “Thank you guys for being here. I know it sucked driving in all the snow.”

You shook your head, but before you could say anything else, Yeonjun interrupted.

“Where’s Chaewon?” he looked around.

Beomgyu tensed, picking at the flowers. “We broke up.” 

He had to bite back his tongue to prevent himself from admitting that he broke up with people as soon as he was certain he didn’t like them anymore. Unlike some people who couldn't make up their mind.

“Shame, the two of you looked good together.” Yeonjun patted his shoulder.

Beomgyu couldn’t help but look your way. “I'll be okay.”

Beomgyu invited you both back to the artist lounge. As you all caught up, he could see with time how Yeonjun eased up.

It soon felt just like how it felt years ago.

Maybe this was how things were supposed to be.

You with yeonjun.

And him, alone.

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.

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Saturday, February 19th, 2022 — 20 years old

Beomgyu’s career was building up fast. Once he signed with an official manager, he was in the studio producing music and preparing for a small tour. 

After months of working hard, he was rewarded with a two-week break. He decided the perfect way to catch up with everyone and celebrate was to rent a small venue for a listening party.

Beomgyu and you had gotten to a place where you two were comfortable interacting. His jealousy dissipated and the ache was nothing more than a tiny soft pinch to his heart. When you and Yeonjun arrived, he happened to catch Yeonjun going in for a kiss. Beomgyu was bold enough to raise his eyebrows at you teasingly.

You lowered your eyes, shyly.

Feeling like his jaw was going to give out after talking with so many people, he stepped out. 

He was surprised to find that everyone had written cute notes on stars and sprinkled them all over the table outside the hall.

He picked one up to read, it was from Kai who wrote a novel about how he always knew that Beomgyu would become famous. He also added that he should be given a special thanks for pushing him to be front and center whenever their band performed. 

Beomgyu bit back a laugh, catching his soft expression in the mirror in front of him. It was strange seeing him so happy, even stranger not to see a bruise or scab in sight.

You stepped out of the hall, eyes searching until they landed on him.

He turned to face you and raised his eyebrows. It surprised him to see that Yeonjun wasn’t right behind you.

You greeted him out of breath.

He greeted you back, his eyes never leaving you as you stepped closer. 

The two of you went down for a walk on the beach. He plopped himself down in the sand where there weren’t any rocks, and then he reached up to tug you down beside him.

You sat close to him, despite there being never-ending room on the sand. 

As you both watched the waves under the night sky, he wanted nothing more than to reach over and hold your hand. Before he acted on his intrusive thoughts, he held his own hands together while hugging his knees. 

“So a tour, huh?” You drew flowers into the sand.

Beomgyu smiled and nodded his head. “It’s nothing. Just a small tour, so I’ll be playing mainly local venues.”

“Oh yeah? And how many people are going to be at these small venues?” You teased him, continuing to add to your sand garden.

“10,000.” He covered his face with his shirt as you bumped your shoulder into his.

“I’m jealous.”

“You’re jealous?”

You pouted. “Of everyone that gets to see you play night after night. I always loved when you played guitar. I used to open my window when we weren’t friends and I’d listen.”

“We were always friends.”

“Sureeee.” You laughed, falling into a comfortable silence. Beomgyu reached over and added a sun over your garden.

“Whenever you want, call me. I’ll save a special seat for you.”

You nodded, continuing to draw. He couldn’t see you as your hair acted as a curtain between you two. He thought you were busy with playing with the sand, but after a few more beats of silence, he grew concerned. 

He ducked his head to check on you, but you kept turning away from him, finally covering your face with your hands. His heart flipped in the worst way. 

He removed your hands from your face, gently. 

Tears were streaming down your cheeks.

He froze.

“What’s wrong?”

You shook your head, laughing it off. “Nothing. I don’t know why I’m crying.”

He didn’t buy your attempt to brush it off. Pulling his sleeve over his hand, he wiped away your tears with a frown. 

“Please,” Beomgyu cupped your face. “Please, tell me.”

You crumbled into him. Beomgyu hugged you tightly. He was sure you could hear his racing heart as his mind jumped to all sorts of conclusions.

“I don’t know why the thought of you leaving again scares me so much.” You mumbled into his chest.

No Fair. 

No Fair. 

No Fair.

He felt the ache return to his heart as he hugged you tighter.  

Why couldn’t he keep you and be the one to protect you forever? 

He should’ve asked you to come with him on the tour. Instead, he comforted you, knowing that when you returned to the venue, 

Yeonjun would be waiting for you.

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.

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Sunday, March 6th, 2022 —  21 years old

The day before Beomgyu left for his tour, Yeonjun met him on the rooftop of his apartment.

Beomgyu smoked while Yeonjun rambled on with excitement about Beomgyu going on tour and playing his music for crowds over thousands. It surprised Beogmyu with how much Yeonjun actually listened to and knew about his album. Of course, Yeonjun was more impressed with the production, and didn’t pay much attention to his lyrics. All for the best.

Beomgyu held the bong in his hand, holding the lighter to the bowl. His mouth became dry in anticipation, but when he was able to inhale, he became much steadier. Tilting his head back, he exhaled. 

“Can I ask you something?” Yeonjun poured some soju into his glass.

“You just did.” Beomgyu lazily replied.

Yeonjun chose to ignore him. “Did you and __ ever, I dunno, have something going on?”

Beomgyu set the bong on the floor next to him as he leaned back on his hands. “What do you mean?”

Yeonjun gulped down the glass, needing a lot of courage to ask the first time and leaving none to explain further. “When we broke up, was she running between you and me?”

“Thought you dated for like 5 years?” Beomgyu snorted, fixing the hood of his sweater over his head.

“Asshole, answer the question. You’re making me nervous.” Yeonjun sniffed, nose runny from all the smoke around him.

Beomgyu closed his eyes, recalling the shower and proposed date. What would be the purpose of telling him other than to hurt his feelings?

“Beomgyu?” Yeonjun asked with urgency.

“Thinking,” he murmured.

“Fuck.”

“I’m messing with you.”

“No, I probably deserved it. Forget it, you don’t have to tell me. I don’t blame you guys. You two were friends for a long time. I remember you had a crush on her when we were younger too.”

Beomgyu grew annoyed. Glad, he never forgot that.

“Wanna know the truth. Would that shut you up?”

Yeonjun pressed his lips together, waiting for him to continue.

Beomgyu sat up and rested his hands on his lap. “We kissed once. You had broken up with her and she was devastated.”

Yeonjun looked away, keeping his composure. “And then?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “And then I apologized for taking advantage of her and she never texted me back. She realized her mistake and went back to you.” His voice drifted and he didn’t know if he was saying it to make Yeonjun feel better or if it was beginning to sink in that that’s what actually happened. 

“When.” 

Beomgyu shook his head, eyes looking over the other rooftops. “I don’t know. Years ago.”

Yeonjun released the tightness of his knuckles, and remained silent for a moment. “Sorry, I’m just insecure. She – when she talks about you, it’s just different. I can tell she really loves you. I have to remind myself that you guys were friends for a long time before me. I’m seriously sorry, but I know I can trust you.”

How is it fair that he should be able to trust him, but Beomgyu could never trust him back?

Yeonjun let out a satisfied sigh.

“I’m going to ask her to marry me soon.”

Beomgyu’s heart iced over. 

He realized Yeonjun was watching him for a reaction or a response. 

Yeonjun tilted his head at him. 

“Do you think she’ll say yes?”

He hummed back as if he didn’t have a care in the world. 

The truth was, he still did.

Part two coming soon.