#no editing

(You just love rage baiting them, what can I say? Also, I’m not good at shade the way Curt and Rod do it. I can be a bit meaner/focus more on implied insults, so yeah. But let’s just assume bc they hate you their shade is shadier or something)

-

The worst day of your life?? It had to be when Homeowner (let’s call them Evening) bought those old fashioned curtains from a stupid store.

They put them EVERYWHERE!! Except the Bathrooms (which, why not?? Why didn’t they take you out of your misery?), the attic and the office. BUT the moment you started missing out on Daisuke, Miranda, Kopi and Cabrizzio’s morning greetings, you know it was war. Like, serious war.

“They are actually quite nice, ami.” Cabrizzio would say to calm you down, but you’d only huff and roll your eyes.

They were annoying, simply put it. They argued, they insulted people outside and most importantly, they were friends with Wyndolyn. And you’re pretty sure the red one (you never cared to remember which was which) has a thing for her, which was 1. Cringe and 2. Cringe.

And what was even more preposterous was the fact that you could only shit talk them with Lux, Tina, Scandelabra, Rebel and Bathsheba. Which were pretty much the go to objects to talk shit about ANYONE with. Like you talk shit about them and you are pretty sure they talk shit about you, too.

Wyndolyn liked them. Cabrizzio liked them. Miranda thought they were lively. Even Evening’s friend said that they looked cool, which just made the blue one’s head swell even more.

The only other object you could talk shit about them with was an in animal.

Sprite.

Mateo once said that you two were too alike and that he’d hate to be on you two’s bad side. You, personally, thought you were nothing like her, but she was still fun to be around with. She’d curl up on your lap, come over to sunbathe or randomly decide to play with your pull cord. And you’d go on a rant about whatever met your interest lately until she felt like it was time to go.

Ever since you’ve started talking about Curt and Rod, she’s been ‘taking breaks’. She’ll leave after a few minutes, come back in a few more and then sit on your lap like nothing happened.

Today, you decided to follow her. Maybe see if she had a fedora and an OWCA.

But what you saw was A LOT more satisfying.

“SPRITE! QUIT IT!”

“Bad cat! No clawing at Curt!”

Aww, she came here to claw at the curtains.

You placed a hand on your chest as you teared up, looking like a parent at their kid’s graduation, “Aww, Sprite! You do listen!”

At the sound of your voice, all three faced you. The two objects curious and Sprite looking like you’d caught her defeating an evil scientist.

“Uhh…who are you?”

You ignored the question, kneeling down and extending your hand. Once Sprite seemed that you were on her side, she slowly walked over to you and licked the tip of your finger.

“Who’s gonna get so many cat treats? You are! Such a smart girl!”

“Are they being serious right now?”

Sprite purred, playing with the pull cord integrated in your outfit, as you faced the men.

“I’m the blinds. Back when the homeowner didn’t pick up charity cases, I was in the living room!” The smile you adorned was faker than a good quarter of Lux’s followers.

“Charity case?! I know a monochromatic blind isn’t talking about charity cases when you’re busy glooming up the entire house!” Bluey bit back pretty quickly.

“They’d be no room for my so called ‘gloom’ cause your ego occupies so much space!” But you bit back sharper.

Little Red Riding Hood clapped back, though, “With you around, anyone would feel better about themselves. You out here getting a cat to do your dirty work.”

Sprite hissed at her mention, wanting to spring at Red, but you held her back, scooping her into your arms. She, thankfully, didn’t scratch your arms, she just stayed there, glaring at the two objects.

“I never told the cat to scratch you up. But if you ask me, I think it’s an opportunity for your friend to to get their crooked stitches fixed.”

“MY STITCHES ARE NOT CROOKED!”

“Don’t get mad. Cheap things are often of lower quality.”

“You’re made out of fucking plastic.”

“ONLY SOME OF ME YOU ASSHOLE!”

And the fight went on for an hour or so until Mateo finally showed up to pick up Sprite and apologize, but you wouldn't let him apologize, because he had nothing to do with anything. Mateo still felt bad, so you sucked up all your pride and apologized to Curt and Rod.

“I am sorry that Sprite thinks you are a waste of space.”

Mateo looked horrified, so you quickly backtracked with a forced smile. “Heh. Just kidding. I’m sorry that…I might’ve instigated Sprite tearing you up.”

Bluey raised an eyebrow, “Instigated?”

You frowned, your eyebrows knitting together, “Sorry, I’ll use smaller words next time.”

Rod had to hold Curt back, “That’s not what I meant and you know it!”

Mateo quietly walked away with Sprite in his arms.

-

Ever since that day, the two had been bugging you a lot more. Mostly to return Sprite. Sometimes, you would pass by them, but the most either party would do is fake smile at each other before gagging when the other turns away.

Soon, everyone know that you were at each other’s throats. Maybe because for Secret Santa, you got Rod mouthwash with a doodle of Wyndolyn and him kissing and he immediately threw the mouthwash at you.

You made sure to catch the look on his face on camera.

Now, anytime you need to laugh, you pull out the photo and erupt into a fit of giggles.

Still, it’s not like you actually hated them. You just wanted them gone. Like GONE. Never seeing them again gone. You being back to number one window shield gone. Yeah, despite Reggie appearing every time you interacted with them with popcorn, you didn’t hate them.

And at some point, you think they liked having you around. In a weird "Shit would be soooo boring without them way".

Anyways, timeskip to the future and you are talking to a living breathing human and they are answering back.

Yes, you admit it, you kinda were a suck up.

But Evening had the power to kick Curt and Rod out and bring you back to your rightful position! This opportunity was presented to you on a gold platter and you didn't have to be Mitchell Linn to see the value.

Unfortunately, Evening caught on fast.

"You beefing with Curt and Rod or something?"

Before you could even answer, Wyndolyn butted in, "Since those two came, they've had beef. It's kinda funny to watch them go at it." She made a poor attempt of hiding her smirk.

You glared at her and she laughed before leaving you two alone, once more.

"Have you talked to them?"

"Yeah! We're friends! They are really nice when you get to know them and--"

You stopped listening at 'friends'.

If they were friends, that means that they've already beat you to it. They've won. You are going to become more and more irrelevant. And when objects become irrelevant, they go to the crawlspace, unaable to interact with other objects. Wyndolyn, Cabrizzo, Kopi, everyone will never see you again.

Would they even care?

You'd be irrelevant. Just taking up space.

"I need some time to think," you cut Evening off, raising your hand.

She seemed a bit surprised, but it soon melted to concern, "Are you okay?"

You turned away from them, "Leave."

At least she was nice enough to walk away.

But the next time she'd come, it'd probably to remove you.

Sometimes, you felt like you weren't supposed to exist, like Curt and Rod were better. Like the shutters on the other house was better. They were all aesthetic, pleasing and you were just white, black, brown and grey. An eyesore.

You brought your fingers to your cheeks when you felt something hot on them. You rubbed at your eyes till they were raw and probably red, before you got up and decided to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Before your inevitable uselessness, you had to congratulate the curtains.

They won fair and fucking square.

-

Curt and Rod had a sixth sense when it came to you. You kind of felt like disappointment and annoyance.

They didn't even need to turn back to know that you were glaring daggers at them. Still, you never just STOOD there. You'd glare at them for like a second before moving on.

"Are they still staring?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay, this is weird. I'm going to ask them why they're doing that."

"What? No! What if it's a trap or something?"

"I don't care, dude. This is getting weird as hell."

Rod was the first to turn around to actually meet you face to face. And your face was...not exactly the face he'd been expecting to see.

You looked frustrated and satisfied, which was interesting, to say the least.

"Why are you staring at us, man? Thought being gloomy wasn't enough, now you've gotta be creepy, too?"

Curt turned back, immediately ready to defend his friend when you snapped back, but you didn't.

"Just looking at the faces of the winners, obviously. Want to remember you before I'm removed," You angled your hands like a frame around them, closing one eye to better focus, "Could you two smile? I know you're hiding shit-eating grins cause you won. I won't punch you in the face, so just show them to me."

The gibberish you were sprouting was pretty on brand, but removed? Why would Evening remove you. They've talked to Rebel and they're still quacking it up in the bathroom? Besides, you were pretty nice to literally everyone but them, so how did the homeowner even see you in a negative light?

"What are you talking about?" Curt asked, "Win what? And why is Evening removing you?" They didn't know if it was concern or curiosity that made him ask, but whatever he was feeling didn't make him dwell on that too long.

A sigh left your lips as you jutted them out, brows dropping jut over your eyes, "Stop acting dumb. I know you wanted this."

"Wanted you to make Sprite stop scratching up Curt and stop acting like you want us dead? Yes. Wanting you removed? That's a bit of a stretch," Rod was a lot more guarded as he spoke, eyeing you up and down to try and decipher what you were feeling.

They'd never seen you cry. Just angry or faking a smile. It was unnerving and uncomfortable seeing you look so broken.

"I don't tell Sprite to scratch you up!" the brief snicker you let out sounded strained, "She does it of her own volition."

"You feed her snacks everytime she does it!"

"I shouldn't feed a starving cat?"

"Why do you keep twisting my words?!"

You laughed.

It was less mockingly and dare they say it, fondly.

"Please don't tell anyone that I'm getting removed. 'kay?"

And you left.

"Did they just say please?"

Okay, now they had to talk to Evening.

-

"Hey, Evening! Come over for a second."

They still dragged her over to the windows with grim faces.

They weren't worried about you. I mean, you wanted them gone. They were more worried about what you leaving meant. You were close to a lot of objects they were close with and they knew that your absence would mean a lot to them (even though they couldn't see the appeal).

"Sooo, are you thinking of doing some renovations in the house?" Curt immediately started.

"Curt!" Rod facepalmed, "We are supposed to ease into the subject!"

Evening cocked an eyebrow, "What subject are you easing me into?"

The two friends shared a look, mentally arguing about something for a quick moment, before Rod finally conceded and cleared his throat.

"Your Monochromatic Monologuing Blinds over there thinks you're going to trash them, basically."

"WHAT?!"

-

Okay, so after a conversation with the Homeowner on how she would never have you removed, you felt a bit lighter.

It was like no matter how bad you performed, you were guaranteed a position. And it was comforting. Like a heavy blanket. Something they said caught your attention, specifically.

"When Curt and Rod told me about this, I thought they were joking."

Curt and Rod?

Weren't they the ones that told the Homeowner to get rid of you? Why would they--

They didn't actually want you gone. Okay, no, that was on your narcissism. It was pretty self centered to think those two befriended the human just to get you kicked out and it was also pretty self centered for you to want to do the same thing.

So, you went to go and meet them, again. This time with gifs, instead of insults.

"I'm sorry for being...a bit mean towards you," You told the two that were buried under a pile of gift baskets and boxes, "Something, something, therapy. And I just realized that I was a huge jerk. I probably knew it all along, though, but I'm still sorry and you don't have to forgive me."

When Rod dug to the surface of the pile, he deadpanned atg you, "Mean and jerk doesn't even BEGIN to describe--"

"Rod! They got you a signed cd of that new thriller that just came out!"

"...Apology noted."

Reggie's schedule drastically changed after that.

You didn't become friends, immediately, but the shade you threw became a lot less mean and more friendly. You'd even sometimes laugh at their jokes and they'd playfully rib you any chance they got. Sometimes, you'd get on each other's nerves and get into a fight but as time went on, the fights were less frequent.

The effort you made to be their friend was partially to make everyone comfortable with bringing you three together to an event (you didn't notice how many plans Celia made to avoid you seeing Curt and Rod and fighting them) and partially because they were kind of fun to hang around with.

Not to mention that they were amazing gossip/shit talking partners. They listened to every scandalous news you'd gotten, which was even better because you had different perspectives! Usually, they'd only have a few, but you went way back with a good chunk of the objects so you had a lot of different perspectives to add on top of each other. While Wyndolyn would theorize about the truth, Curt and Rod would crack jokes about all of it and sometimes even throw shade at the parties involved.

These days, Sprite even stopped scratching Curt up. Sure, she'd screech at him if he ever bothered to touch her, but she stopped seeking him out and just laid on your lap as you ranted to the other two objects.

You grew fond of them, actually. And you like to think they grew fond of you too.

Or maybe they didn't.

-

What does it mean to be human?

To breathe air? To have empathy? To have unlimited wants and balanced them with your very limited resources? To understand the complexities and the horrors of such a burden?

One by one, all your friends went out into the real world tofind their own meaning, their own definition.

They achieved amazing feats you all could've only dreamt of. Starting shops, businesses, entire movements, everyone was flying and dreaming bigger than the house ever let them.

You were one of the earlier objects to be realized. Coupled with that and you visiting Evening thrice almost every month, you gained the phone numbers of those who came after you. Your phone always had a notification to be answered, a call missed or a voicemail sent.

Except from Curt and Rod, who'd you found yourself thinking about more often.

They got realized before you. So, you don't really know their phone numbers but even when Evening offered to give them to you, it made you cringe and decline.

They would be better off just forgetting you, after all.

Yeah, you definitely weren't trying to run away from the newfound feelings that grew with the time you spent apart. Washford told you that absense only akes the heart grow fonder and that the best thing to do is just 'be with your beloved'.

Well, 1. Drysdale came to passionately make out with him after, which was eww. 2. You don't really think you want to damage your relationship with them like that. It was better for you to be distant but still have relatively good memories than be distant and them remembering you as a cringe playground bully that had a crush on them and major inferiority complex. 3. Burdening the people you'd been the meanest to just felt like more cruelty. Why would they even want to see you?

It was a good thing you were just a screenwriter and not in the comedy business!

One day, Amir, Betty and Evening ganged up on you a Hollywood award ceremony or whatever, saying it was good for you to go since you were nominated. You hated those things and would claim to be too sick to attend. Regardless of your nomination and sometimes winning of a prize.

This year, though, they didn't let you bail. They pulled Wyndolyn into the mix and you could never say no to her, so you told them you would come.

Unfortunately, it was like the universe didn't want you to go. Traffic was hell, a bird pooped on your outfit so you had to buy a new one, only to realize that your hair looked wrong, so you had to quickly style it in the bathroom.

By the time you finally made it into the building, you saw Betty, Homewoner, Amir and Wyndolyn sitting down, an empty seat nex to them. Before you could take a step closer, next to the open sseat, you spotted two very familiar faces whispering and giiggling with each other.

Oh, now you get it.