What are you supposed to do on this ""Valentines day""????
Among the original 69 theses posted by St. Valentine on the Wall of the Chaste, there are seven and ONLY exactly seven things you can do on St. Valentine's Day:
Trade candies made of chalk and honeybee bile, or chocolates that are 98% filler and fake skunk-gland raspberry flavoring.
Tell a secret crush that you are interested in them with a rose, and that they may therefore stay on until the next episode.
Give them a fine necklace of beads that they can introduce into their rectum to be slowly pulled out for anal stimulation.
Make a gingerbread cookie in the shape of a heart, flower, kissing lips, or your favorite Dragon Quest monster (traditionally a Drohl).
Watch a play by the great poet and playwright William Shakespeare, such as Titus Andronicus or Macbeth.
Play Elden Ring by yourself in a dark basement while ingesting unhealthy amounts of stale Fritos and expired Jolt Cola.
Chase down your lover while dressed (per the tradition of Lupercalia) as a werewolf, to make them your juicy pineapple.
Look for a weak Pisces and lock them in a heart-shaped box for weeks, then keep them forever in debt to your priceless advice.
File your taxes early, as the April 15th deadline causes frequent workload and postal delays.
