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I just had the wrost nightmare of my life. And Iâve had Certified Traumatizingâąïž nightmares throughout, but those are practically a nice stroll in the park compared to this kind, which my sister suggested calling ânighthorrorsâ in the past. Very fittingly named. Theyâre the kind of dreams that make me wish not only that I had never gone to sleep, but that I could abstain from it for the entirety of my existence. The kind that makes me consider if my terror is being fed on by a lurking demon somewhereâactually, pretty sure I read about that once, huh. We call âem nighthorrors because theyâre far beyond nightmares where you dream of normal horrible things, but categorically do not fit night terrors. Nightmares have, on the extreme end, themes like being stalked and/or hunted endlessly, stabbed in the lungs and murdered, watch someone else get murdered, and so on. While on the less extreme end have themes like fighting with people who used to hurt you and the anxiety and exhaustion from that, being late, being naked, ect. Normal âwow that was really unpleasant, I donât want to have that dream againâ kind of thing. Nighthorrors are...extremely hyper-realistic, bolded and capitalilized Traumatizing, inescapable nightmares. They leave my body so stressed, I feel like my muscles have been encased in stone and I have to break through by sheer force of will, the tension is so thick.
Iâm currently remembering one of the reasons why I relate to Malcolm Bright so much. Aside from being petrified to the bone when having nighthorrors so I that I cannot move much less thrash, Iâd say our dreamsâ quality are the same. I completely understand why he considers five (5) hours of sleep over three (3) days sufficient, if I was back to having nighthorrors every night again (gods, please no) I would consider no hours of sleep every six (6) days and thirty (30) minutes on one day whenever more than enough to survive on.
I almost wanted to laugh humorlessly when I woke up, because I often wonder if I even really feel emotions anymore, given that Iâm in this constant state of Traumatized Calm, where I do feel things intensely but somehow itâs never enough to break through that instinctual façade, unless I force myself to change my expression. Today I woke up from my worst ever nighthorrorâstill too afraid to look at myself in the mirror, for fear Iâll realize I can see too sharply, too clearly for any of this to be realâand I just sat up, shaking the terror out of my muscles with immediate familiarity, a blank expression on my face, and went to ask if Iâm really awake. My voice didnât waver, I spoke as I always do, same conditioned automatic response of âreassuringâ my father (because thatâs how you avoid dangerous meltdowns) that he doesnât have to do anything to reassure me, like I dunno, asking if I need something, because of course not, why would a father ever do that? /s. I had went to my sisterâs room, as she often climbs into my bed for comforting when she has any nightmares or in general wants reassuring, but I thought, no, she had a long day and Iâm used to being traumatized and handling it alone. Probably wouldnât help anyway, she hates dealing with me, aka helping me. Iâll just get my reality check from...that guy.
Anyway, Iâm back in bed, because everywhere else is kept too cold for my health to handle, plus I need to work on treating my muscles from being petrified. If youâve watched Prodigal Son, you probably remember that scene where theyâre sedating him in the hospital and he shouts âNO I HAVE TO BE ABLE TO WAKE UP,â yeah, feelinâ that moment again. I hate being so terrified of this brain of mine that I think it delights in torturing me. Have you ever had your nightmares pull you back under after youâve finally broken free and woken up, through struggle and fear? Do you know that feeling, when it pulls you under, and it feels like youâre actually being dragged back into your body, like youâre being yanked off a precipice into an open abyss? The panic, the free fall, the dawning realization of how much this is going to hurt? The resurfacing concern you might not wake up this time, which you always carry, because how could you not, when you canât even escape your own dreams? When everything you do to wake yourself doesnât work? When the nightmare is stronger than you? When you can feel it doesnât belong to you, but rather has you?
I admit, I worry about exposing my thoughts here, but that is why I made this blog, first and foremost *gestures to the title*
I looked for a name that would remind me to speak truthfully, so I had somewhere to let go of all the bottled up emotions, fears and so on I canât put anywhere else. I knew Iâd struggle with doing so, which is why I decided to utilize the title as such. Itâs never gotten easier. Many of my personal posts just waste away in my Drafts, giving me no relief. Writing itself just has never been enough, I donât know why. I have to vent these things in a way that feels like Iâm actually letting them out, I suppose.
