#newstarts

It’s been a while since I last posted to my blog. It is hard to believe that I found out I had colon cancer on May 13, 2019, and had surgery on May 23, 2019.

I had barely started to deal with my partner at the time leaving me for the stupidest reasons and suddenly my life was thrown into chaos with this cancer business.

I know that I have already discussed the chemotherapy that I went through and how I adjusted and survived it.

Coming out of my chemotherapy and immediately faced with COVID was really hard. It was a time when I discovered that I had neither dealt with the loss of my partner nor that I had had cancer. I felt like I was a blank slate and that somehow I had shed any sense of normalcy. I was going through the motions of teaching (granted it was online for March - June 2020) and wondering if I would ever get my spirit back. I know that I have discussed how I searched for meaning and finally opted to work on my energetic energy. 

For most of the remaining months, I joined an online coaching group for energetic attraction. There, I learned about not being an over-the-top caregiver for everyone else and began taking care of myself first. I met a ton of amazing friends online and many of them are still my friends. During that time, I also let go of wanting my local friends to support me through cancer. I looked inside and found the strength to do it on my own - but had the courage to turn to several online friends who became my support network. They helped me let go of my disappointment with my local friends and allowed me to get close to my new best friends.

2020 and 2021 were the years of the COVID pandemic for me. I was in and out of the classroom, I spent the summer of 2020 by myself in my house in a small Nova Scotia town. I learned to follow my passions of gardening, cooking, weightlifting and my writing. They became the “Me Years.” I used that time to get to know myself and set my goals of where I wanted to go. It was a time when I focussed less on cancer and more on living my life the way I wanted to.

For the past two years after stopping my chemotherapy, I’ve made trips to the clinic for testing my cancer markers. I’ve had a yearly colonoscopy. Everything is still okay and I am in remission.

Since my last blog entry, I have lost several friends and acquaintances to cancer. I’ve also supported friends who are now going through cancer treatment. Cancer still makes an appearance in my life and it reminds me that I have to be diligent in my own recovery.

COVID was a time when I often couldn’t get to the gym to work out. It was also the time for Netflix and sitting on a couch, eating tons of snacks.  I continued to eat like I was exercising at the gym. There was seldom a time when I turned on the TV that I didn’t start craving snacks - usually sugar-laden things or salty treats. 

One day, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had a COVID belly. I knew that I had to make a change. The gym opened up and I began a series of cardio days, often 2-3 times per week. I was weight-lifting as much as I could because I tore my right pectoral muscle. It departed from my ribcage and now bounces to the right in a bizarre manner. I began to feel like my cancer was just the precursor to more injuries or problems with my body.

Thankfully, I was able to pull myself out of potential depression because I had spent so much time working on the real me. I’ve tried to be as proactive about my healing as possible. A year after tearing my pectoral muscle, I am still waiting on an MRI to determine the damage and what can be done about it. I’ve had to face that I’ve lost a lot of bulk on my chest as well.

I began to reflect on all these changes to my body and then the thoughts of how I was aging became forefront in my mind. I no longer felt like I was in the “zone” which was the place where I felt good about my body. This leads me to where I am at the moment: almost 60, with several injuries affecting me, a feeling that old age is catching up and that I am becoming invisible in the gay world because of my age.

So where will I go next? I am embarking on a new outlook on what my life will look like as I head toward retirement, ticking things off my bucket list and trying to finally enter the dating pool at the age of 59. I need to reflect on my health, my body, my spirit and how I can make the most of my remaining years on this planet. 

As I close off this blog for now (who’s to say that I won’t post again) I want to mention my other blog about energetic attraction which can be found at: https://otterenergy1962.tumblr.com/. That blog has sat without an entry for a while. It does give me a sense of what I did during that self-discovery time during COVID as I search for the inner me.

Now, I am starting a new blog about dealing with my age, my health, my goals and above all, my passions. Please check it out at: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/otter1962crystalball