#never split the difference

➳ monthly book round-up: april

read:

never split the difference: negotiating as if your life depended on it, chris voss + tahl raz. 5*. read 14 march 2023 – 14 april 2023.

the final strife, saara el-arifi. 4*. read 31 march 2023 – 16 april 2023.

how beautiful we were, imbolo mbue. 5*. read 16 april 2023 – 29 april 2023.

currently reading:

I am! I think it's full of good interpersonal tools, and I also think people should read it so they're aware if someone uses the techniques on them with bad intentions.

It's one of those books that sounds very different when people talk about it than when you actually read it. Sure, it's about hostage negotiation, but it's really about empathy and learning to make people feel like they're being heard. It's about defusing strong emotions in high-stakes situations. It's about treating conflicts as if the situation is the problem, and you don't have to go to war with the other person to fix it.

Chris Voss has used his techniques to save lives. I've used them to put my (then) two year old niece to bed while babysitting. She was right at the end of her *extensive* bedtime routine, when I was about to turn off the light and leave, that I sensed separation anxiety and a tearful meltdown brewing.

"Is it sad that mommy's not here to tuck you in?"

She nodded emphatically.

"It's okay to be sad. She'll be back when you get up in the morning and you'll get to see her then."

She settled down, I turned the light off, there were no tears--and it's important for kids to learn to identify their emotions. Not being able to understand your feelings makes them scarier.

...which is exactly the same reason Voss does this same thing in negotiations with adults, because we're still bad at this and we can make some really questionable decisions as a result.

That's labeling. There's also mirroring (repeat someone's own words back to them), which lets us know we're being listened to but also gets us to listen to ourselves and reexamine what we're saying. If the discussion has been intense, we might find that we actually don't agree with what we said. This gives us space to correct ourselves without feeling judged or pushed around.

Being aware of this stuff also makes you less susceptible to it if someone tries to use them to take advantage of you. Say they keep mirroring your words, which does have a passive aggressive edge to it, especially if delivered with a "do you really mean that?" tone rather than a neutral "I'm asking for confirmation/clarification" tone.

Knowing that this is a thing that works can help you avoid being gaslit into thinking you're being unreasonable, because yes of course someone could use these tools with bad intent. Empathy is morally neutral, you can use it for all kinds of things.

never split the difference, chris voss + tahl raz

released 2016

read: 14 march 2023 – 14 april 2023

this is one of those brilliant books that you probably have to keep reading repeatedly to get it to really sink in and affect your approach to life. reading this is one thing, having the confidence to enact it is entirely another. but i do think what's so great about this book is that chris voss breaks down his negotiating process into ten steps, and even if you can just remember to implement a few at a time, you'll already be in a position to come out leagues ahead. and i also think this is not just all about negotiating - it's about having the confidence to communicate your point of view to another person, which is why i think never split the difference is an essential read for everyone.

Introduction: Why Your Negotiations Keep Failing I used to dread asking for a raise or haggling at a dealership. Then I applied FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss’s tactics from Never Split the Difference – and everything changed. This book isn’t about “win-win” compromises. It’s about mastering human psychology to get what you want while making others feel understood. In this personal Never Split…

Never Split the Difference

One of my favorite books written by an FBI negotiator that teaches you how to get the answer you want through simple psychology and good manners. He teaches you how to get out of any minor and major situations through, surprisingly, kindness, and how being polite and talk through every problem life throws at you.

He teaches an empathetic approach where you try to see the other person's POV. Listening for key words that the other person is telling you that you can use against them. Reusing those keywords by labeling the other person's problems and acknowledging their goals and emotions they gave you.

You may not be negotiating for something as high stakes as someone’s life, but this book has something to offer for a range of more mundane situations. From buying a new car, negotiating with family or even just becoming a better listener, ‘Never Split The Difference’ will improve the way you communicate.

“How am I supposed to do that?”

Delivered with the right tone, and left with a suitable pause, it's a question that can play many important roles. It can encourage your bargaining partner to think about your challenges, make them consume cognitive energy solving your problem, and buy you time to listen to what your partner is saying.

How to master this question is just one of the simple skills this book has to offer.

Don't be put off by the title

The choice of title, and its implication, may seem off-putting at first. When negotiating, it may seem like the ‘fair’ thing to do to split the difference. But as Chris Voss argues, ‘fair’ is a loaded term. If you compromise and split the difference every time, there's a real risk neither party will go away genuinely happy with the outcome.

Rather, Voss argues for an honest and robust negotiation that helps both parties find a deal that works, or makes it clear that they'll be happier walking away.

The methods of negotiation taught in 'Never Split The Difference' are intended to help you land the best deal you can. But importantly, doing so in a way that explores all the possibilities of a negotiation and leaves all involved parties saying "that's right" when asked if this was the best deal that could be agreed on.

'Never Split The Difference' is not just for those who want to negotiate more effectively

While the book is targeted at those looking to improve their ability to negotiate, many of the techniques will also be of interest to those seeking to improve their communication skills. Establishing rapport, building trust, transforming conflict into collaboration - are all helpful communication skills for day to day life.

An engaging read littered with amazing anecdotes

An added bonus of this book is that it also serves as a kind of biography of Chris Voss' time as an FBI negotiator. The various tips and tricks he offers are illustrated through examples from his time with the FBI, as well his consulting and education practice. These tales of tough negotiations are an entertaining way to reinforce the key lessons of each chapter. They're also fascinating in their own right, especially for those familiar with some of the more high profile cases he discusses.

Wrapping up