#negative things

When you’re all about that gym life

But people around you say negative things instead of cheering you on.

There isn’t a coherent European roleplay community on Balmung anymore. There hasn’t been for a year+, even before Omega, things were looking real dire. What you have instead is 4-5 guilds who do not interact with each other; who do not go to each others events, and will stop interactions with any one person who ends up with a certain FC tag next to their name. Linkshells and even Discords are a thing gone past, because of burnouts and people who didn’t feel they were given enough attention, so they delete things in a fit of rage and blame it on their “mental health”. When stuff like that happens, and what you end up hearing is “Good riddance”, then you have had a situation that was unbearable for a long time. 

It is going to take a lot of personal growth among the whole community for a LS or Discord to ever have a chance of succeeding again; at least in becoming anything more than a silent, disused space for conversation. But perhaps especially among the points of putting people up on a pedestal, and the notions of popularity, for there can be no “community leader” of a community whose only point that binds them together is their timezone; chasing and perpetuating that idea is going to end in disaster time and time again. Of course there are many great things in the EU community as well, and I want to say I’m not trying to point fingers at anyone with this, if I wanted to do that I can and should always start by pointing the finger at myself, my former self and the influences of what I created, condoned and cultivated. But there are reasons why I sacrifice sleep and suffer the early mornings, it has been a lot more pure fun and a lot less drama. 

I’ve been meaning to make a post like this for quite a few days now just to like get it out and write it down somewhere I guess

my “home” has a constant heaviness looming over it. My dad and his wife have had multiple stressful situations and idk I feel like a lot of it somehow trickles down to me.

But also I have my own frustrations. I feel like his wife moves my shit around and puts a priority on her things. Exhibit A being the bathroom, because all of my stuff is shoved to 1 corner to the point if I move one thing, everything else falls over. I also put a few things I didn’t use as much higher up and sort of hid them. Just a few days ago, they were kicked down into the main cabinet with all the rest of my things, cramming them more into the corner.

“but look how much more space there is when it’s organized!”

more like “how much more space I can use” 

I keep my flat iron on the bathroom counter because you know it can literally start a fire if it’s still hot. She always moves it up into the cabinet with my other stuff (which is a lot of chemicals: makeup remover, flat iron spray, acne medication).

She also always puts up my shoes; shoes that I use every single day and that I purposely keep easily accessible because I need them. 

This happened ages ago, but I’m gonna complain about it anyway. There’s a loft in the house; one half of it is my bedroom (or was, I should say), and the other half is pretty much just for storage. I had a decent amount of my things stored up there and a lot of them were shoved onto my bedroom’s side before I was even asked about it. My bedroom is now so filled with boxes and such that I can’t even use it. 

I stay outside in an RV with my cat because my dad’s wife is “allergic” (the real reason is she doesn’t like cats. Now this is a little more understandable because her dog now lives here too and he does bad with cats but at first the “allergic” thing made me do major side eyes). 

A lot of my things are also outside in the RV. However, most of those things are also in boxes and piled high as much as possible. I only keep out what is necessary because I have so little space though I am trying more and more to buy more organizing supplies as of late due to bigger paychecks and my Target discount.

Anyway, no matter how hard I try, my trailer smells like a litter box. Because it’s one giant open space and I need a litter box for my cat. So in order to not be judged (ESPECIALLY when I was doing interviews for jobs), I needed to keep all of my clothes in the house. Leading to me putting my pants/jeans/t-shirts/underwear on my bed, folded up. My nicer clothes, bras, and coats/jackets are draped over the railing of the stairs because I have no where else to put them. 

At one point my dad’s wife called this my “banister of shame”. I haven’t forgotten and I won’t forget because it infuriated me so much.

Now they’re spending a ton of money for a shed for her which I was relieved about because “maybe I can have my space back.” Except shortly after it got here, they showed me the building and only a small part of it is going to be a closet and a large portion will be a “living room area”. So really probably all that will be moved is the stuff she has in my Dad’s office and that’s it. 

Dad has also shown some disrespect to some of my stuff as well which is really upsetting. 

Alongside all of this, about a week and a half ago, my mom asked me if I would take care of Roxy. Roxy lives with my mom, but I consider her my dog. Like she’s not just ‘my mom’s dog’. 

Right off the bat dad’s wife asks how long she’s going to be here and sounds really un-enthused. Dad begins to also ask me the same question shortly after. My answer is I don’t know because my mom is going to the mountains and beach and they don’t really have a set day. I try to reassure them because my mom’s husband has a regular job so it’s not like they can be gone for an extended period of time (my mom lives off of social security because of disabilities). 

Roxy has been here for a little over a week. She’s loud and obnoxious but she’s a sweet dog and she doesn’t cause problems other than being loud when she wants attention or needs to go outside. My dad has had to walk her sometimes when I’ve been out at work.

He has also had to give my cat Kairi her insulin shots at least once a day sometimes due to my work schedule. 

And like I’m greatly appreciative of the fact he does all that, particularly for Kairi. 

But tonight after I told him probably the earliest I could get Roxy back to mom was next Tuesday since she originally declined meeting up tomorrow and that was the only other day that would be easy to accomplish because honestly my work schedule is all over the goddamn place, I have absolutely no consistency. 

My Dad immediately gets really frustrated and it eventually leads to “I can’t deal with Roxy for another 6 days, she has to go home tomorrow. She has to.”

One of the reasons I’m most upset about this is because in the past he never minded having Roxy here and it seems like it’s related to how his wife feels but also like rubbed off onto him personally.

Secondly, Roxy can hold her bladder. If I just... had my own apartment, Roxy would just be going out for walks when I could get to her. And I could keep her for as long as wanted/needed without any issues.

If I had my own apartment I would also not have these space and personal item issues. 

But I don’t have a job good enough to get my own apartment even with roommates and also I’m trying to save for the JET Program if possible. 

The JET Program is my goal. It really is, it’s what I want to do and I want to dedicate myself to the application process in the upcoming months. But the fact that I feel like I’m such a bad environment is driving my insane and my need for my own space is increasing by the day.

The only thing I can think to do really is start locking myself in my RV with Kairi and only coming out to eat and things like that. Because half of my issue of being overwhelmed and feeling tense is because I’m around someone 24/7. But also the fact dad’s wife acts like the world is ending anytime any little small thing goes wrong also really sets me on edge every single time. 

There’s also the fact I feel like my mental illnesses aren’t taken seriously. 

“Now that you’ve been working at Target, how do you feel about working with people now and your social anxiety?” 

The exact same, every job I’ve worked has had a high volume of people (Walt Disney World, PNC Arena) 

“I used to be like that too but I grew out of it” 

it’s not shyness, I’m not going to grow out of it. I can learn ways to deal with it but the feeling is never, ever going to go away. 

*after Dad’s wife gets off the phone with a bride who she’s going to shoot a wedding for* “Now that’s draining.” 

I’m sure it is, but that doesn’t make my job at Target any less draining for me.

*after seeing me collapse every day after work and say how I feel overwhelmed and like I don’t have time for myself the first few weeks of work, dad’s wife asks me if I can buy her a ton of groceries after work. I say no because I haven’t even had the ability to buy myself something small after work because I’m that tired* “It really affects you that badly???”

and all in all now that I’m the only one who’s not home for a large portion of the day I get the short end of the stick for a lot of things.

My dad apologized earlier about the Roxy thing saying he loves her but he’s just really overwhelmed right now and on top of that, I took one of my fast-acting panic attack pills so I feel relatively fine now 

but still, all of this stuff has been building for a long time now and as I said up top, I’ve been wanting to make this post for the past couple of days. 

But today is a day for celebration as well. Andrew and I have our 5 year anniversary today. I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since I said yes to dating him.

It’s hard to be alone when all the negative thoughts are intruding my mind, but I know that she’s watching me and that she’ll be happy to see that I’m spending my time celebrating instead of mourning.