#nagaverse

Yet that laugh of hers never faltered. Her manic smile endured despite the bruises, despite the filth, despite the constant humiliating failure.

I sighed.

If I didn’t pay for her meals, she probably just wouldn’t eat. She was like a pathetic little puppy.

“What are you so happy about?” I asked, trying to stop that shrill laughter of hers.

“Hm?” Naga’s sharp eyes set on me in an instant, trapping me in her gaze. “Do you even need to ask, Lina Inverse?”

Ugh! That stupid look on her face! This is why I ignore her half the time! Give her one drop of attention and she’s begging for more. “No, I really don’t.” I shrugged and continued through the ruins, the red of my Lighting spell leaving Naga in the dark.

“Huh?!” Naga whined, eyes probably dribbling with puppy dog tears behind me. Ha! “Well, allow me to tell you anyway!”

“Here we go…”

“I, Naga the Serpent, your greatest and eternal rival, have once again overcome an insurmountable obstacle with beauty and grace! Ohohoho~!”

“Yeah, real graceful the way you pulled that fish off your butt.”

“I would thank you if you weren’t telling me something I didn’t already know!” Naga laughed, trailing behind my cape. “You see, I can’t expect you to understand.”

“That’s rich. Understand what?” I growled back. Truth be told, I should have kept ignoring her, but talking to her like this made exploring old caves and ruins a lot easier on me. Spelunking on your own doesn’t seem so bad until the darkness starts to settle. A few hours in and you’ll be begging for even Naga to be your talking partner, just to make sure at least someone knows you exist.

“I can’t expect you to understand overcoming anything with beauty and grace!” Naga repeated, her grating voice only going an octave louder. “You see, when you avoid all those traps and other mishaps, you lose an opportunity to grow! I take each and every failure in stride, making me nearly invincible!” She sneered in the dim light. “Just take a look at how much I’ve grown more than you! Huhuhu~…”

Like I’d want a tall lanky body with some big bimbo boobs anyway!

“Is that so?” I asked, hiding my grin as I stepped over a pressure plate.

“Yes! You can’t handle one little stab wound without crying and moaning while I, the great Naga, can handle mostly any—AAAAAAaaaaaaaaa!!!”

Just as I expected, Naga stepped on the pressure plate and exploded in a blaze of great magical fire. Her screams of pain were a little damaging to my psyche, but I knew she’d just wipe off the soot and laugh it off. For a mage with the brain of a peanut, she was quite durable. Maybe a cockroach would best describe her.

“Ohohoho~!” Naga laughed as the blackened soot fell off her like she’d been hit with a gust of cleansing wind. “See?”

I’ll admit, it was a little impressive in its own way. A little. Again, it’s mostly impressive in the sense that a dumb bug could survive catastrophic events just by being hardy.

“You complained the entire time we traveled through the jungle. You complained you didn’t eat enough dinner last night. You’ve been complaining literally about the traps in this temple!”

Like a blast from a Fireball, she waved off my retort without missing a beat. “The jungle is very unsanitary! You only let me have two steaks for dinner last night! And to be frank, this temple is unnecessarily boobytrapped.” She placed a finger on her chin, a rare moment of thought entering that thick skull of hers. “Is the treasure really worth all the trouble?”

“Of course it is!” I shot back. “It’s an Elven ruin! This is the lost temple of Aphrodias! It’s legendary among merchants and mages alike! There’s said to be a great relic made by Aphrodias herself!”

Naga’s eyes lit up like diamonds at that description. I don’t think she processed a word I said other than ‘legendary’ and ‘relic.’

“So, it will sell for quite a lot?”

“Are you listening?! Yes, whatever it is, it’ll sell insanely well!” I grinned. “That is, if I don’t want to keep it for myself.” Remember! I come from a family of merchants! I know treasure.

Naga nearly drooled on my hair! But at that last sentence, she slurped it back up (gross) and asked, “Hm? Keep it for yourself? When we’ve worked so hard to get it together you won’t even think about sharing?”

“Oh, when it’s dinner it’s me me me, but when treasure is involved, suddenly you learn how to use a few more pronouns don’t ya?!”

“Ha!” Naga reflected my retort easily. “Dinner and treasure are two very different things, Lina Inverse! I would expect my rival to have a little more intelligence than that, but it seems I— WAAAAAGPFfft!” A pillar came down from the ceiling and smushed her like a pancake. She sprang up and continued like she wasn’t a walking slinky. “It seems I overestimated you, ohohoho~!”

I didn’t need to dignify that with a response. I stepped forward into the buzzing darkness, trying to keep my mind off Naga. Sadly, that energy should have been better spent paying attention as I felt a pressure plate slide into the floor beneath me. Stone rumbled against stone and in an instant, there was no longer ground beneath my feet.

It looked like I was the one who sprung the trap this time!

As I fell, I chanted a quick spell of Levitation only to find it didn’t work! What?! I could cast spells like this in my sleep! Something sparkled beneath me in the darkness, and I knew for a fact it was a pit of cliché impaling spears! Oh, this wasn’t going to be a painless death at all…!

Clasp!

Naga’s hand grabbed mine, dangling me above the pit like a sack of laundry. What I looked up to was even worse than what was below me.

She was smiling. Smug. So smug. So. Smug. I was starting to consider falling to my death a better alternative than this.

“Caught you~! Ohohoho!” Naga laughed. But I noted, while she did save me, she certainly wasn’t in a rush to pull me up. She was savoring this.

Ugh! Just why didn’t my spells work?! I glared at the walls that lined this pit and noted a faint glow emanating from them.

Damn! Of course! Anti-magic runes!

They boobytrapped their boobytrap! No fair! Anyone that fell here wouldn’t be able to cast a spell to save their life! Literally!

“Don’t you have something to say to me, Lina Inverse?” Naga sneered, openly chuckling to herself.

“Yeah. Why aren’t you pulling me up already?! ”

“No words of gratitude, hm? I seem to recall a number of times you sacrificed me! Maybe I should do the same…” I felt her grip around my hand loosen.

“Agh, c’mon, all those times I knew you wouldn’t actually die! Just pull me up, will you?”

“See, now this is what I’m talking about!” Naga went on. “Always moaning about stab wounds and getting impaled! Never taking it with any grace.”

“How about you come down here and see if you can handle getting impaled then?!”

“Maybe I will!”

“Fine! Go for it! I’d be glad to see you skewered like a kebab!”

“Hmph! The feeling is mutual!”

“Will you quit it with this bit and pull me up already?!”

“Gratitude! Gra-ti-tude! Show it to me!” Naga whined, kicking and stomping like a brat.

I was about to maybe thank her for potentially saving my life possibly, until I heard stone grinding against stone. Naga must have triggered another trap in her tantrum.

Two things happened. A gust of wind blew down the hallway. Then Naga’s bumbling body fell with me.

“You idiooooooot!” I screamed as we both fell to our death.

“AAaaaaaaaaaaaa!” Naga screamed back, directly into my ear by the way, before spreading her lanky arms and legs out. Dust billowed as she scraped against the rocks, crying all the way about her palms.

Just as we were about to become kebabs, Naga came to a stop, the tip of a rusty spear so close to piercing her stupid shiny butt. She let out a sigh of relief while I clung to her like a koala.

“I told you; you should have just pulled me up!!!” I screamed, adrenaline still pumping through my veins.

“I clearly should have dropped you!” she screamed back. “In fact, you’re much too heavy! Would you mind letting go?”

“You realize that’d kill me, right?” I wasn’t a weird lanky freak like her! I couldn’t spread my legs (like the master leg spreader here!) and grab onto the walls!

“I’m well aware!”

“If I die here, I’m taking you with me!”

“Maybe I’ll drop down and kill us both then!”

“Fine! See if I care!”

“We’ll be dying by my hand you know!”

“Oh, you just have to try and one up me at everything don’t you?!”

“Ohohoho! I feel my hands slipping again~!”

She was actually going to let us die!

We couldn’t cast any spells. I couldn’t do anything in my position wrapped around her squishy bits like this. I couldn’t take it. I was desperate to live. If I was going to die, at least make it dignified!! A guttural noise gurgled from my throat until it became louder and louder. I didn’t know what it meant. Some kind of animalistic beast took over me. With a horrible screech that I could never emulate again if I tried, I threw my head back and bit Naga’s ear.

“Ohoho-YAAAAAAAAOOOOW!!!” Naga howled, eyes crying out waterfalls as she scampered up the walls like a monkey on a mission.

In the next moment we sputtered out of the trap gasping for air, chests heaving. Naga gently cradled her bruised ear, while I happily let go of her practically naked body to fall against dirty stone.

“Little gremlin!” Naga cried, still stroking her throbbing ear.

“Giant bimbo!” I retorted, still too tired to get back on my feet. It wasn’t the best insult, but gimme a break! I nearly died like three separate times there!

We gave ourselves a moment to catch our breaths and both decided we would forget about what just happened and continue through the ruins.

…

We ducked underneath a decayed doorway, rubble piling up at its base, barely able to stand after ages of disrepair. Moss and lichen grew across the walls, vines and roots sprouting through every crack and crevice. Water pooled together across the ruins, from puddles to floods that spanned through entire hallways. Luckily a good Ray Wing made traversing through all that filthy ruin water easy, and even someone like Naga could do that on her own.

I’ll admit, I wanted to keep a Ray Wing shield up the entire time I was out, water or not, since this humid place buzzed with all sorts of annoying and disgusting bugs. It’s not like I couldn’t! A normal mage might struggle to keep a Ray Wing steady, what with it being a constant vortex of rushing wind and all, but I could handle it! I figured it would be best if I conserved my magic, however.

“Uuugh, I hate these bugs!!” Naga shrieked, smacking another mosquito out of the air. Not bad. “And the water! So much water! There’s nothing I hate more than getting drenched! I have very sensitive skin, you know!”

“So much for dealing with trouble gracefully…” I murmured. I decided to change my Lighting spell into a more powerful flame that I could hold just above my hand. The Lighting was attracting bugs. This way they’d at least get zapped into dust, heheh! … What? They really were annoying! Just because Naga was right, doesn’t mean I couldn’t have a little revenge!

“That little fire of yours isn’t a terrible idea,” Naga said, pointing at it like it was some child’s toy. “However, it’s making this intolerably humid hole even hotter! Allow the great Naga to improve upon your work!” With a flourish of her cape and a bounce of her bosom, she produced an open palm. “Watch this!”

Similar to my magical fire, a floating crystal of misty ice appeared over her hand.

“And just what is that supposed to do?” I asked.

“Ooohohoho~!” Naga shrieked, her laugh echolocating every wall ahead of us. “The same as your brutish little flame, but better! Look at that wondrous light it gives off! And…!” Shing! A mosquito froze in midair, shattering against the stony floor. “Ohohoho~!”

Like always, it was almost impressive.

With the flick of a wrist, I killed my flame. In the next instant, it turned dark as pitch again. Naga’s laughter stuttered as she tripped over a twig and nearly flattened me with those stupid balloon tits of hers.

“Doesn’t seem to do much without my light reflecting off it. Oh, and would you look at that? The bugs won’t even go near it either.”

“Shut up!” Naga whined. “It was merely an… an extension of your power! Meant to work in tandem!” She nodded, making this all up on the spot as if she planned it from the beginning. It wasn’t long before she was laughing again…

I sighed and brought my flame back. I couldn’t deny it. That ice crystal reflected my fire’s light, illuminating more than before, throwing rays of orange and rippling light across the ruins. It was actually kind of beautiful. Not to mention it was really hot and that cool chill gave some much needed relief.

Well. Maybe I could upgrade her from cockroach back to puppy.

Exploring the ruins didn’t feel quite so awful anymore.

-------

Some time later, we made it to what must have been the center of the ruins. I know what you’re thinking again, ‘Lina! Why didn’t you just blast through the ruins and get to the center like you’ve done before!’

Don’t be stupid! Those were dungeons ! It’s very different! Dungeons are meant to be mazes with traps and twists and turns that eventually lead to some haughty villain! There’s nothing of value lost there. In temple ruins like this? Who really knows where the ancient elves left their treasure! The last thing we’d want to do is destroy all that valuable loot!

Oh. Oh, and the history stuff. That’s important too!

“Say…” Naga started, gazing at the intricate mosaic ahead of us, blocking our path. “Just what exactly is the relic we’re trying to steal?”

Ugh! Don’t call it stealing! I mean… okay it is! But it sounds bad!

“Do you really not know? Why did you even come with me?” I asked uselessly. Naga never had a good reason to follow me around.

“Ohoho~!” Naga laughed. “Your usual group was busy, hm? That blonde dummy and the rock man and the loud girl?” Hello? Pot calling kettle black alert? Naga is probably louder than Amelia! I’d say she’s even dumber than Gourry! “You must have been lonely!”

Grrr… Like I’d ever be lonely!

“You’re saying it like you’re doing me a favor!” I growled, wanting to rip that smug look of hers off like that stringy little outfit she wore! (...What? I mean. Like to humiliate her! Geez! Don’t read it weird!) “You just wanted to leech more free food!”

Naga shrugged, her mischievous smile only growing taller. Why did she have to look at me like that?! “Oh. Well, the food is good, but if you want to be rid of me so badly… I guess I could leave~!” She twirled around, cape fwomping in the dim ruin light.

“W-wait!” I cried out.

Naga stopped and looked over her shoulder. “Oh? Will you… miss me?” She took another step and tripped over a piece of debris and straight into the same arrow trap we passed. With a screech, she narrowly avoided another volley of death.

“You won’t be able to see a thing without me…” I sighed. “You’ll definitely get yourself killed on the way back.” Sure, she could use a Lighting spell, but I couldn’t trust Naga to drink water if I didn’t force her! She wishes I’d miss her.

“Hm,” Naga said casually, brushing an arrow out of her hair. “I suppose it would be a waste to come all this way and not get any treasure!”

As if you’re getting any!

“I have made up my mind!” Naga posed; legs splayed wide. “I will continue to stay by your side!”

“Great, I’m glad we cleared that up,” I said sarcastically.

“As am I!” Naga said genuinely.

There was no time to continue doing this bit! The joke had run its course! The scene was boring! We were right smack dab in the middle of the temple, at our goal! We needed to move on, for my sake.

Tuning Naga out, I evaluated the final chamber in this terrible temple. Strangely enough, this was the least ruined area in all of the ruins. Giving it a second thought, I knew why. Magic buzzed through the air louder than any insect. In fact, it was so strong, it seemed even the bugs didn’t want to live here.

Ominous…

The source of this magical power came from the intricately carved wall before us. To someone like Naga, it probably seemed like this chamber was nothing but a huge dead end, but I knew better. This wall, without a speck of moss or dust, with its murals depicting some sort of ancient Elven history, had more to it than meets the eye. I noticed a few indentations running through the middle of the mural, which appeared to be subtle cracks at a glance. But, remember, this mural was in absolutely pristine condition! Why would there be flaws here?

That’s because it was meant to open up.

Our treasure was just beyond here.

“…and that is why I’ve continued to follow you, Lina Inverse!” Naga continued, oblivious to everything.

“Shut up a sec,” I said, waving her off.

“Rude! I was finally opening up to you! I’ll have you know; I’ve never told anyone the things I just said, like my mother—”

“Yeah, yeah,” I interrupted. “The treasure’s behind this huge stone wall you know.”

“Ooh!!” Naga’s eyes sparkled, completely forgetting that I totally ignored her. “Really? Really? Let’s open it up!”

“Not that easy,” I said, focusing on the ancient Elven language before me. “Seems we need to prove our worth through some kind of trial…” You’ll have to excuse me, my ancient Elvish is pretty rusty. Like, I could ask an ancient Elf for directions to the bathroom pretty easily, but I’d need to look through my journal to get a refresher on this intricate stuff.

“Boo, trials!” Naga shook her head. “Let’s just blow it up!”

I ignored her, nose down in my book of Ancient Elvish Tourist Spots You Can’t Miss. “Go ahead, try it if you—”

I knew what she was going to do, so it didn’t matter what I said.

“Fireball!!”

Naga slung the orb of powerful exploding magic like a baseball pitcher, mouth as manic as can be. As I suspected, an ethereal glow emanated from the mural, and Naga’s Fireball bounced back at her with a cute squeak!

The resulting noise that left Naga’s throat was less cute, another scream as flames engulfed her for the umpteenth time.

When she brushed it off, I muttered, “Magic barrier.”

Naga stamped a foot on the floor. “Why didn’t you warn me!?”

I was busy. Didn’t feel like talking in full sentences. “Stupid.”

“What?!”

“You. Stupid. Wouldn’t matter.” I flipped another page. Ahh, so that’s how to ask where the library was…

“Gremlin!” Naga screeched, taking a seat on a piece of the ruins. With a frustrated sigh, she began rubbing and cleaning the soot off her skin/cape/clothes etc. It must have been hard work looking like a cliche bimbo and getting blasted to bits on an hourly basis.

At least it gave me time to translate in peace.

After about 30 minutes or so, I felt confident in my ability to barter in Elvish over a steak and even give directions to the nearest Elvish hospital! Just needed to use some flashcards, and bam! You could call me Lina Elfverse!

Don’t call me that. I will blast you.

“So? Have you translated it yet?” Naga asked.

Ugh! I translated it! I did! I just… I didn’t want to say it.

“...No?” I lied, terribly. Even Naga wasn’t stupid enough to buy it.

“Truly? Lina Inverse, stumped by a wall? Unable to speak such a simple language?” Naga laughed.

“You don’t know a single word of Elvish!” I screamed back, blood boiling.

“I don’t need to, I have my minions for that,” Naga said, fanning all that hot air my way.

“I am NOT your minion!” I raged, already feeling the heat of a Fireball in my hands.

“Lina Inverse, you get so worked up over little details!” Naga laughed. “Just tell me what it says, will you?”

Hmph! Let’s see how she liked the answer so much then!

“You know what?! I will!” I grinned demonically. “This is a trial of LOVE , idiot!”

“Eh?” A strand of Naga’s hair curled out of her head. “What in the world does that mean?”

“To open this door,” I explained, “We need to show it love. True love.”

Naga squinted at me, suspicious. “How would that door know the difference?”

“It’s magic, dummy!” I said, kind of hoping she wouldn’t prod me further on it. Love magic was never really my specialty, considering my cool loner attitude. “Just like any other power, it can sense the levels of magic in the room! Love is an extremely powerful emotion, a power that you feel in your chest prominently, (I’m told) and it seems these ancient Elves had a way to quantify it.”

Naga simply smirked. “Is that all?”

I sighed. She acted like she understood it, but I knew not a single thought went through her-

“Lina Inverse,” Naga said, pointing at me dramatically. “I LOVE you!” Her smug smile let loose an arrow that pierced my heart.

Ba-dump!

“Y-you idiot!” I screamed back, looking away. “You can’t just shout that! It doesn’t work that way!”

And besides! It’s weird!

“Why not?” Naga asked in a sultry tone, completely unphased. 

“Don’t you have any dignity?!” I asked in return. Then I remembered her outfit. Oh right, of course she doesn’t. “It can tell if you’re lying!”

“Can it now…?” Naga said, mischief on her lips.

Suddenly, the mural lit up! A dim, very dim , blue magical light filled the indents of a few of the runes. It was like someone pouring a drop of water into an empty cup!

“No way!” I said, flabbergasted.

“Ooohohohoho~!” Naga howled, without a shred of decency. “Was this supposed to be a difficult trial? Maybe for someone like you! ”

Urgh!

I reeled backwards, away from her uncomfortable haughtiness. “It’s–it’s not difficult!” I didn’t understand! How could that have even MILDLY worked?

Naga wagged a finger at me, clicking her tongue in such an annoying way. “You look like a frightened little girl! How easy it is for a woman like me!” She looked me straight in the eyes, gaze as sharp as her spikes, and her shining lips said, “Li-na. In-verse. I. Love. You.”

Gack!

It felt like someone socked me right in the chest!

“I love you, Lina Inverse!” Naga repeated with ease, almost in a sing-songy voice. “I love you, I love you, I love YOU! Ohohoho~!”

Before I knew it, I was on my knees, clutching my head. “Can’t you see you’re killing me here?! You shouldn’t be trying to torture me!”

“But it’s so easy!” Naga crowed. “And look! It’s working!”

Between my fingers, I managed to find the strength to look at the glyphs. Sure enough, they looked brighter. Slightly brighter. Barely brighter.

“I love you, Lina Inverse!” Naga cheered again, enjoying the pure psychological damage she was doing to me. “Me, Naga the Serpent, loves YOU! Lovey-dovey, love-u-love-u!!!”

“Cut it out, will you?!” I coughed. “Look, you must have hit the cap! It’s not getting brighter anymore!”

That shut her up for a moment, thankfully. Hand on her chin, she thought for a moment. “Hm. I love you?” Sure enough, nothing. It was still barely lit up enough to even call itself a nightlight!

Ha! Not so smug now are you! I felt some of my energy coming back.

“Aha!” Naga’s clenched hand hit her palm. “You just have to say it back to me!”

Aaaaaaaagh!!!

Time out! Time out! Severe mental trauma! Tummy ache! Anything but that!

“No! No way!” I squealed out, convulsing on the floor. “I refuse!”

Naga sighed, looking down at me like she was so tough! “My, my, Lina Inverse, you truly are weaker than I expected. Three words is all it takes to bring you down?”

The light on the glyphs dimmed ever so slightly.

Ugh! She was right! I’ve chanted forbidden words calling upon the darkest gods themselves! Was I really afraid to lie? If Naga could lie that easily, why couldn’t I? I didn’t come all this way to be beaten by a stupid wall! To be beaten by Naga!

I punched the floor, pushing myself back up to my feet. With a, dare I say, sexy flourish, I pointed at Naga and said, “ I love you!!”

Blue light burst out of the glyphs, much brighter than before, bright enough to highlight the blush on Naga’s face. As much as I wish my words affected her, it is important to note that Naga always has a blushy face, as if she’s out of breath or something. I could hardly notice a change in Naga, maybe a brief widen of the eyes, or maybe she just smirked more.

“How’d you like that?” I said, crossing my arms.

“Hm? Sorry what?” Naga put a hand to her ear. “I couldn’t hear your single tiny proclamation of love over all my proclamations of love for you! Ohohoho!”

“Grr!!” I stamped my foot. “Look! The glyphs are nearly lit up because of me!”

Naga shrugged. “Nearly isn’t good enough, Lina Inverse.”

“So, you wanna play that way, do you?” I rolled up my sleeves. “Fine! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Take this!” As if chanting my most powerful spell, I closed my eyes and held my hands up, saying, “I call upon myself, Lina Inverse, to say my innermost intimate feelings for you…” And then, WHAM! threw my hands at her with a, “I LOVE you, Naga the Serpent! I love you! Lovey-dovey, you! Wuv-wuv, even! Mwah! Mwah!” That’s right! Kissy face! And even kisses blown!

Haha! Even Naga was taken aback this time! There was no hiding her shock, her smug smile tripping into a confused frown. And that wasn’t all!

One of the glyphs exploded in light! The heart was completely full! Yes! I did it! Me!

I wiped the sweat from my brow, my chest heaving with exhaustion from my spell. But I won! Like I always do.

“Lina…” Naga started; her voice quiet (for her). “That was quite undignified of you.” She shook her head sadly.

STRANGLE HER. I was going to strangle her! For real! This would be her tomb!

“Will you shut up!? Look! I filled the glyph up! No thanks to you!”

“Yes, I always knew you had feelings for me,” Naga said with a nod. “But this? Goodness, Lina Inverse, it’s borderline obsession!”

“I do NOT have feelings for you!” I screamed, trying not to pull my beautiful hair out. “I never have! I was lying!”

Naga raised an eyebrow, pointing easily to the heart glyph, full and bright. “What about that? Mine barely did anything.”

“You’re a damned idiot is what you are!” I yelled. “It’s because I reciprocated those feelings you gave me! Not to mention it’s going off of how you feel too!”

Naga shrugged. “I just don’t think I feel the same way, Lina.”

“Why… you!! I….” My hands were in stranglin’ mode. I had to use every ounce of my power to stop them from ending her life.

“The door still hasn’t opened though…” Naga said, looking at the glyph, deflecting my rage by changing the subject.

Lucky! She was lucky I was interested in this.

“Let me have a look,” I said, shoving Naga over.

“Rude!”

I pulled the skin under my eye and stuck my tongue out at her, making the ugliest face I could before going back to the runes. Naga tried to do the same back, but I was already ignoring her! Ha! I’m so good at ignoring her, aren’t I?

Interesting…

“Some new runes have appeared,” I said more to myself than anyone. “Another heart…? Oh no…”

“Hmm?” Naga perched her lanky arms and head on top of mine, struggling to see what I was seeing. “What is it?”

“Grr, get offa me!” I screeched, tossing her like a bag of dirty laundry. “We’re not done yet, you double-D-dunce!”

“There’s mooore?” Naga whined, even though she had just said how easy the trial before was. “What else could we do to prove our love?”

Yuck! It still gave me shivers just hearing her say that.

I didn’t like what it had said. I didn’t want to say it. I had to pretend it was a chant like any other spell again, just like before. Close my eyes and repeat the words, that’s all!

“It says the next step is to prove our love is with a kiss,” I said. It felt hotter here! “A heartfelt kiss. With passion.”

Naga tilted her head. “Tongue?” she asked nonchalantly.

That was it. I couldn’t concentrate. “H-how should I know?!” I blew up, averting my gaze.

Ugh! Wrong move. I could feel Naga’s smug stare at that. “Ohohoho~! Lina Inverse, do you not know how to kiss with tongue?”

Don’t! Don’t say anything. Don’t give her ammunition!

A pause. Naga’s voice was quieter. “Lina Inverse, do you not know how to kiss in general?”

NOT GIVING HER AMMUNITION. SAY NOTHING. ANYTHING I DO CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST ME.

Naga clicked her tongue and wagged her head sadly. “Oh, Lina Inverse, you poor poor thing.”

No! No, please, haven’t I suffered enough? The last thing I wanted was pity! From Naga of all people!

“Shut up!!” I finally shouted. Why would I need to know how to kiss?! What’s the point?! I mean, sure, love magic exists but it’s barely been used and it's mostly useless! While most idiots were kissing, I was studying the blade! And magic!

“Well, let’s get this over with,” Naga said with a sigh. She leaned down to my height, a bored expression in her eyes.

“What’s with the attitude?!” I took a step back. She was too close!

“If I’m going to be your first kiss, then it certainly won’t be a good one for me ,” Naga huffed. “But for the sake of the treasure and your fragile pride, I’ll do it.”

“I-I’ve kissed before!” I tried to counter.

Naga raised an eyebrow. “How many times?”

Gack! What was a good number to say… I couldn’t say the truth because–

“So not nearly enough,” Naga interrupted.

Damn it! She really was good. How was I supposed to know there was something Naga was good at?! She can barely feed herself!

“Come on, Lina Inverse,” Naga said, her stale expression never changing.

“Do you gotta act so bored about it?!”

“We already did this before with the ‘I love you’ rune! Of course I’m bored by now!”

“ One trial and you’re already bored?!”

“I’d be less bored if you didn’t take so long, Lina Inverse~!”

“Fine! Like you said, let’s get it over with!” I grit my teeth and returned her gaze. “G-get ready!”

An eyebrow raised. A smile twitched in her lips. Naga said, “Very well. I’ll let you make the first move.” She closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

Geez! Geez! Geez!!! I’m really doing this!? Am I really doing this!?

Who cares! Who cares! I don’t! It’s just for treasure! It’s just skin on skin contact! Scientifically speaking, it barely means anything!

She actually looks… peaceful? She’s so sure of herself, so composed, almost like a real princess… Even her lips look…

No, no, no, I don’t…!

“Lina Inverse!” Naga’s voice and hard stare shook me out of my inner monologue. “I. Am. Bored! Kiss! Now!”

“Yeah, yeah, close your eyes again, will ya?! Can’t do it with you staring like a weirdo!”

She rolled her eyes before closing them again.

I’m doing it! I’m doing it!

I took a deep breath through my nose. I closed my eyes. I moved my face forward. I… I felt her lips brush against mine. Instantly my mind clouded, instantly I seemed to lose control over my body. My heart pounded in my chest and my thoughts swirled in every direction. I felt like I was floating, but my feet were still on the ground. It was… it was so much better than I could have imagined. I…

“Was that it?!” Naga groaned, breaking me out of my trance.

“H-huh?!” was all I could manage to say, my lips tingling, my cheeks hot.

“Just a peck!?” Naga’s hands were at her hips. She motioned with her face towards the rune and I noted how it glowed the dimmest of pinks.

“W-what?!” I tried not to stammer. I couldn’t help it. “It was still a kiss!”

“Not good enough, clearly,” Naga grumbled. “Lina Inverse, let me show you how it’s done.”

Eep! I reflexively took a step back from her.

Naga sighed. “All right?” was all she said, but… somehow… that seemed to be more than she’d ever said to me about anything. She never asked me how I felt before she came flinging spells at me or stealing my steak, but for this…?

I lightly slapped my cheeks between my hands, renewing my resolve. “All right,” I replied.

Like a demon that had just been freed from her chains, Naga was on me in a flash. She was so different from before, from that princess-like kiss moments ago. Now she moved like a dark mage, powerful, overwhelming, and she loved it. Whatever peaceful princess state she had been in before must have been why she was bored. This was what Naga wanted.

Before I knew it, she had picked me up by my arms, pinning me to the stone wall, her knee holding me up between my legs, her chest heavy against mine. 

I was completely powerless. I’d never felt like this before! I’d never… I’d never given up control so easily, I’d never let anyone beat me! But Naga, oh Naga, she wanted that control so much, she wanted to beat me so much .

I let her.

Her mouth hit mine, a mess of teeth and lips and hunger, and I could do nothing but gasp back. She drank gasps, licked me dry of everything I had, her body entirely overwhelming mine to the point I wasn’t even sure where she began and I ended.

With a breathy snicker, I felt her wet tongue slide between my lips, messy and hunting, tasting every part of me. I let out another gasp into her, my back arching, my chest pressing into hers. Before I knew it, she had coerced my tongue out of hiding, mine sloppily hitting hers, our breath a heated mess of gasps and sucking.

I was at her mercy. I’d never felt like this before, I wanted more, I wanted Naga to…

Suddenly, I fell to the floor. My hot head was a haze of pleasure and confusion. Naga? Why would she…

“Ah, there we go!” Naga said with a cheer, staring at the second rune which positively beamed with light, its heart full to the brim. “Done!”

“H-hold on a second…” I gasped, trying to get my bearings, still on all fours on the floor. I wiped the slobber off my lips with my arm, so very sure what I just experienced couldn’t have been a dream.

“Oh, come now, Lina Inverse!” Naga said with a smug snort. “You’re panting like a little puppy! Ohohoho! Was I too much for you? I went as easy as I possibly could!”

“Y-you call that easy?!” I huffed, getting back up on shaky legs.

She narrowed her eyes, sneering ever more towards me, that blushy face of hers driving me mad! “Yes, I do! I do so hope you aren’t falling for my charms~...”

“Y-you wish!” I shouted. “You were like a squid sucking on my face! I could barely breathe!”

My insult didn’t make a dent in her confident smile.

“Whatever. I just hope this thing is done now…” I turned back to the runes, happy to get that grinning idiot out of my vision for a while so I could think straight.

Let’s see…

Ugh. One more trial.

…

No, no…

…

“Are you serious?! ” I exclaimed.

“What? What?” Naga poked herself in yet again. “Another trial is there? What else could there be?”

This was where I had to draw the line. Even Naga wouldn’t be able to deal with this!

“It–ugh–it says to fill the third and final rune we must become one before Aphrodias herself.”

Naga tilted her head. “What does that mean?”

Of course she knows all this kissing business but is too dense to understand this!

“It means! It wants us to… you know! Come together! With our bodies!” Ugh! Was she getting this at all? “Without clothes on!”

Recognition lit up in her eyes. “Oh! Sex!”

Gack! “Y-yes, that…” I couldn’t even repeat it! It was so wrong! So weird! “This Aphrodias is certainly one perverted god! I think this is where we’ll have to finally give up and–”

“That’s not so hard!” Naga said easily.

“WHAT?!” I screamed, my jaw hitting the floor so hard my teeth hurt.

Naga raised an eyebrow at me. “Hm? What’s the matter?”

“You… You understand what it wants from us, right?” I repeated. Naga wasn’t the brightest.

“Yes?” she said easily, nearly annoyed.

“It wants us to have…” Urk. I practically gagged the word out. “Sex. Together. As in you and me.”

Naga’s expression stayed the same. “...Yes…? I got that.”

“And you’re fine with that?!”

“What part of ‘That’s not so hard!’ don’t you understand?!” Naga growled, acting like I was the stupid one here!

“Some creepy goddess tells you to do someone and you’ll just do it?!”

Naga shook her head. “It’s just a wall, Lina Inverse. There’s no one actually watching, you know. It is simply a magical receptacle awaiting a certain type of love.”

“Y-you! I… Don’t…” Flabbergasted! I was flabbergasted! “D-don’t try to explain it to me like I don’t know what it is!”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“Ugh!” I threw my hands up in the air. “You think it's easy to just get naked like that?!”

Silence.

I stared at Naga the Serpent in her trademark teeny tiny leather bikini. She was already practically naked.

“Okay, stupid question, I’ll admit that.” I held out my hands in defense. “But still…!”

“If you really don’t want to do it,” Naga said with a sigh, “We don’t have to. No one is forcing you.”

“But we…” My mind started swirling again, as if we were kissing again, but we weren’t! “We worked so hard to get here! We already did so much…!”

“Exactly,” Naga said with a shrug. “That’s how I feel. But if you think this trial is too difficult for you, then there’s nothing that can be done now is there?” Naga shook her head. “It can’t just be me.”

“Agh!” I screamed. “T-trying to guilt me!”

“I am not.”

“Trying to taunt me!”

“I still am not.”

“Teasing me!”

“Lina Inverse, but you are so sensitive, aren’t you?”

“Not! I am not!”

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

I paused. I paused some more. I let … I actually let my thoughts slow. I let my mind read what it was trying to tell me. I…

“I don’t want to do it if you don’t want to,” I finally said.

“Hm?” Even Naga faltered at that.

“You don’t want to do any of this,” I said, my mind swirling again. “ I don’t want to do this. I’m–I’m not doing this with someone who doesn’t want to!”

“Little puppy…” Naga sighed with exasperation. “I want to do it with you, Lina Inverse,” she said tonelessly.

Wish she’d stop calling me a puppy! I’m not a puppy! She is!

“Do you really?” I asked again.

“Yes, yes,” she added, “For the treasure of course.”

I thought about it. “For the treasure…” Maybe… maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Naga was experienced and she seemed to respect my wishes, at least when it was about this kind of thing. “Maybe… uh… yeah… I could…”

“Ohohoho~!” Naga cackled. “Of course you want to do this, Lina Inverse! Now prepare yourself for you are about to be blessed by me! Naga the Serpent! Ohohohoho~!”

Ugh! No. No! No way I’m really doing this!

Am … Am I?

She’s so stupid! But she’s…

She stepped forward and I stood frozen. No way. No way. No! Way!

That’s it! That’s it!

CUT!

Cut the feed! Cut the film! No way, no one's gonna know about this! Go to black! Whatever you think is going to happen ISN’T happening and isn’t GOING to happen, got it?! Got it?!

Turn this thing off!

…

…

…

---------------------

So, the third rune was fully lit. Done. Easy. Don’t gotta go into details how that happened. But the trials were done!

Clasping my cloak back on, I let out a sigh. At least the makeshift bath after was nice. I had gotten way too sweaty with Naga when we… er… finished the final trial.

“Ahhh~!” Naga yawned, stretching her lanky arms high. “That wasn’t so bad now was it, Lina Inverse?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I muttered back, still refusing to accept reality.

“Oh, come now, you were positively loving it when–”

“LALALA,” I scream-sang, hands over my ears. “I can’t hear you!!”

For whatever reason, this only made Naga’s smug smile worse. “You are still a little gremlin, but you can be cute at times.”

Ack!! “Shut up!” I countered. Not great. Not great. Naga had been really getting to me recently, in so many ways. I still wasn’t sure how to feel. I mean I know what just happened, but that was all just for the treasure!

… right?

“Screw this!” I shook my head and stomped my way over to the brightly lit wall, all three hearts as full as could be. “Let’s just get our treasure and get out of here!”

“Of course!” Naga said easily, a tiny snicker as she loomed over me at my side. 

I placed my hands against the runed wall, the heat of our love magic tingling in my fingers. “Aphrodias, hear my call! Each trial we have faced, and we have done them all! I command thee to open this wall!”

The ruins reacted to my touch, to my words, to our love, and shuddered. Stones grinded, dust and pebbles collapsed as this dreadful wall slowly and finally opened itself up to us.

“Wow!” Naga watched in open-mouthed awe as the walls parted. “Did you need to cast another spell to finish the trial?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I just wanted to rhyme and sound cool. All I needed to do was touch the wall.”

Naga shrugged.

When the dust settled and the stones finally rested once again into eternal slumber, Naga and I entered the fabled Aphrodias’ treasure vault, our hearts pounding with excitement.

First thing to note, the vault wasn’t as big as the walls had made it out to be. However, due to the magical runes, everything seemed to be perfectly preserved, jarringly so. Whereas the ruins before had been cut stone and engraved walls covered in moss and cracked with time, the treasure vault appeared to have plain blue wallpaper? And the floor–the floor was carpeted! An extremely fuzzy and tacky purple shag carpeting?!

As if this wasn’t already setting alarm bells off in my head, the second and most eye-catching thing to note was the three glowing heart runes in the center of the room. Similar to the ones outside, but these ones were stacked inside of each other, blinking in alternate intervals, almost like a… neon sign?!

And last, but certainly not least, beneath the blinking heart runes, lay what appeared to be our treasure. A rectangular shaped pedestal that went up past my waist with some kind of strange ancient apparatus made up of more runes.

“This is… weird,” I said, checking for any more potential traps. It seemed safe.

“The decor is a bit tacky, yes,” Naga nodded, not really understanding what I was saying.

Our treasure must have been in this strange looking pedestal. I wasn’t sure how to get it working, but I certainly wasn’t opposed to pressing random runes to see if I could get things working. At my touch, something lit up!

I noticed a small slit in the pedestal began to glow brightly. Brighter… brighter…! It whirred to life, vibrating with motion as it worked some kind of ancient mechanism.

Ding!

We both stepped back out of caution, but the machine went silent.

It spit something out. Something shiny. This must have been our treasure!

…

This was our treasure…?

“What is it, what is it?!” Naga yapped, hopping behind me excitedly. “Is it a guidebook to forbidden magic?! A powerful charm?! A priceless plate? Maybe it’s the best skincare lotion in all the realm!”

“Shut it, will ya?” I nabbed the paper from the machine. It was paper, yes, but high-quality paper at least? Something was written on it, in the same runes as before.

But wait!

“Ohhhhh!” Naga cooed, mouth agape. “It has our names on it!! Why?!”

I wish I could mimic her excitement. “Hold on, that’s what I’m trying to find out. Let me see if I can read it.”

“Come on, I want to know why my name is there!! Maybe I’m an heir to their throne now??”

I cleared my throat and read the words slowly, still not very proficient. Let’s see…

“You who have completed my trials,” I read aloud. “You and your partner who stand before my altar, your love proven to me without a doubt, I now bestow upon you the highest gift that I, Aphrodias, the Goddess of Love, can bestow. I now pronounce you, Lina Inverse, and Naga the Serpent– MARRIED? ”

“Whaaaaaat?”

Hold on! Hold on! Let me just read the details a bit more…

“A love so powerful and true,” I continued, my voice shaking. “That none may ever break it. With the love magic stored between you two in my altar, your love will forever stay strong, stay true, and nothing will come between you two. All will know of your love for all of time, and even the Gods and Demons themselves will not be able to deny it or destroy it.”

“So it’s…” Naga tilted her head. “A marriage certificate?”

I stared at the certificate in my hands but didn’t look at it. Realization washed over me like a cold street puddle. “A marriage certificate made of powerful runes from the Goddess of Love herself… an ultra-powerful magical marriage that binds our souls eternally together…”

“So no divorce?” Naga asked casually.

My voice had become monotone as I spoke, my body rigid. “No divorce.”

“Hmm. It’s laminated!” she added with a cheer. “That’s nice.”

“It is,” I responded tonelessly.

“So, Lina Inverse, it looks like you and I are destined to be rivals till the end of time! It is fitting that I make you my wife! OOOohohohoho~!” Naga screeched, her laugh reverberating through my skull.

Naga… my wife? Naga was my wife now? For all of eternity?

This… this was the treasure? Everything I did… everything I did with her… was for this?

An unbreakable magic marriage certificate? That bonded us together through all of time?!

No, no, no… no.

Naga the Serpent…

“What’s the matter, Lina Inverse?” Naga said between her shrill laughter. “Are you rendered speechless that you have the honor to be my wife? Ohohohoho~!”

This big boobed bimbo…

No, no… Anyone but her! No!

Unbreakable bond?! Blessed by the gods?! Nothing in the world could break it?!

We’ll see about that.

“Darkness beyond blackest pitch,” I muttered. “Deeper than the deepest night.”

Naga’s laughter finally quieted. “Lina Inverse? Are you casting something…?”

“Lord as vast as the largest ocean

Colder than the coldest ice.”

“Why are you glowing like that? Is your hair turning white?”

“King of Darkness who shines like gold upon the Sea of Chaos…”

“Honey?” Naga asked nervously. “Wife? What are you… what are you doing…?”

If nothing can break our love, if nothing can break our bond, then I’ll just have to break EVERYTHING .

…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!”

-----------

…

…

…

“And that’s how we got married!” Naga explained for the millionth time to yet another innkeeper.

I drank my mead and ate my steak with a frown, watching as my wife retold the story again to everyone in the vicinity. No one cared, no one wanted to hear, least of all me.

“Uh, that sure is swell, ma’am,” the innkeeper said with a sheepish smile. “You sure, uh, gave a lot of extra detail that maybe wasn’t necessary, though.”

“Yep,” I groaned, unable to do anything else but sit through her humiliating story.

“Oh, but you need to know how my adorable wife squirmed!” Naga laughed.

“Erm, not to butt into your relationship, ma’am, but your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate it…”

“Nonsense!” Naga went on laughing. “If she hated it that much, she’d have gone through with that Giga Slave spell!”

I sighed.

“Giga… Slave…?”

“Yes, you know, the spell that could destroy the whole world as we know it!”

“Can’t say I do…”

“Well, she was about to cast it when we were first wed, but decided against it! Isn’t that sweet?”

“Erm…”

“Personally, Lina Inverse would never be my first choice to be my wife, but oh! The way she fawns over me and follows me around like a lost puppy, how could I say no? She has trouble being honest with herself and her feelings and is a bit frumpy here and there and certainly below my level, but I am so generous and love to please my wife! Ohohohoho~!”

I really should have casted it. I should have gone through with the Giga Slave.

…

At the end of the night, just like every night, Naga and I came to our room to rest and prepare for the next day’s adventure. With just the two of us by ourselves, I allowed my hand to brush against hers, to interlock our fingers together.

“Ohohoho, Lina Inverse, you cute thing!” she said, poking my head irritatingly. “Need some attention tonight?”

I didn’t respond. I didn’t need attention from her! I didn’t! But… It was nice to share a bed with someone. I never realized how hard it was to sleep alone. Even with Naga’s tossing and turning and snoring and general annoyances, I always felt so soothed by having her at my side.

I looked up at my blushy, lanky, monster of a wife. She smiled just as brightly, just as smugly as always, never letting anything bother her. Like always, she knew what this meant.

Naga leaned down and gave me a quick kiss. “Love you~!” she cooed in that annoying voice of hers.

“Love you too,” I said quietly.