#nagative

Am I truly me? Or am I just a person hiding under a mask? Is it really right to be saying that I am suffering? Is it really right for me to feel pain? I don't deserve the right to say that I am in depression.. For I do not feel anything no more.. I do not feel the pain I should feel I do not care for all the hateful words I receive I do not even care for all the mental, physical, and emotional pain I get I embrace all the pain. All the hate. All the mental, physical, and emotional pain. I embrace it all. I don't let it get to me. I hide all the pain I get So people do not see me cry So people do not see me break down So all can know that I will only embrace all the pain and hate that I will not allow anything to get to me that I will never break down in front of them For I do not care for what you have to say to me The haters The bullies The people I called friends but instead, they backstabbed me They all irritate me Why do they hate? Why do they bully? Why do they call me their friend? Yet they never cared to truly be my friends? Why is it that the friends I call friends... Never understand the pain I go through? Why is it that they just shrug it off and say it'll be okay? it won't be okay. Why do you think it would be okay? Why do you think being scarred for the rest of your life okay? Why is it that you think, everything I go through is not bad? Would you even care if I died? Would you even care if I disappeared? What would you do if you found out I was hurting myself? Would you keep saying, "It'll be okay. You'll get over it"? Am I useless? Am I worthy to be called a friend? Am I even good enough to be called a friend? What am I even worth? What am I worth....? I'm worth nothing. I'm a useless piece of shit. I don't belong here I am not like others I am different Too different I am like a heartless monster I do not cry at the things I am to cry at I am to cry at the things people cry at Yet. I don't. I cry at the things others do not cry at. I feel so heartless. I want to cry. I want to. I want to so badly. Yet. I cannot. For I will not allow others to see me cry. No one but myself. I stay up at night. Thinking of situations. Instead of thinking positive. I think of all the negatives that could happen. Others are soundly asleep. While I am awake, thinking of what will soon become of me. Of what will happen to me. I'm awake thinking if I should start cutting myself. If I am useless If the place would really be better off W I T H O U T    T H E     L I K E S    O F    M E You may think, "Okay? Then stop thinking about that stuff!" But honestly. What would you understand about it? Once you start thinking about all this You can't stop. You'll continue to think about it over and over again With no way to stop. I distract myself. I distract myself with the things I love. I distract myself as much as possible. Because if I don't? I'll start thinking about the things again. The words I speak. The laughs I laugh. The smile I smile. The happiness I feel. Which is real And Which is fake? Which are the truth? And Which are the lies? I don't know. I've lost count of how many times I've lied Of how many times I faked a laugh Of how many times I fakes a smile I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I can't remember the last time I didn't fake my happiness. I hope you can forgive me. I hope you don't hate me. I hope you aren't mad. Why am I saying this? Because I've lied to you. Because I've hurt you. Because I've involved you into my problems. Please, just... don't leave me... I'm sorry for this long long thing. It's just... I just needed to get this off my chest. Anyways if it doesn't make sense to you, don't try to make sense of this. See ya later~