#naddclips

Caldwell: "Are you from a different planet? I yelled. There isn't a war right now, and there isn't--" [breaks off laughing] [Murph lets out an uproarious cackle. Emily laughs with him.] Jake: There isn't a war right now? What-- [laughs] [Murph cackles harder] Caldwell: Wait! Let me finish! Murph: (high pitched) There isn't a war right now??? Caldwell: "There isn't a war right now, and there isn't one getting ready to begin." [Emily laughs harder] Murph: Wow.

caldwell laughing nervously in the background, he’s just like me fr (glen is so hot 🥵)

Murph: In the caves of Cragwater lies a city. A city of neon lights, cyber-enhanced citizens, cool motorcycles, and crime. Emily: (delighted) Look at him back in his element! Caldwell: Yes! Jake: We missed this! Murph: ..... lots of crime. A city called Neo Galaderon.

Murph: There’s also-- you notice that there’s a lot of the people waiting in line are uh-- emotionally walled off young men, that are just kinda standing there like “I don’t care”. And as they walk up to him, Balnor goes “Hey it’s me, Balnor! I’m your dad and I’m proud of you!” [Emily, Caldwell, and the audience laugh.] Murph: You see all these dudes just breaking down. Hardwon (Jake): Shit. Moonshine (Emily): Y’all this is beautiful. We can’t disrupt this. Hardwon: Yeah. This is... Beverly (Caldwell): This is really working. Balnor (Murph): This guy’s stepping on my-- this is my thing! Hardwon: And I’ll go-- I'll go talk to him about it! Jake: Hardwon gets in line. [All laugh] Murph: Hardwon gets in line. Hardwon you get to the front. Fake!Balnor: Hey bud, how’s your day goin? Hardwon: (standoffish) ’s alright. Fake!Balnor: Yeah? Hardwon: Why d’you care? Fake!Balnor: Was it a tough one? Hardwon: (long pause) I dunno Fake!Balnor: It’s okay if it was a tough one Hardwon: (increasingly emotional) It wasn’t too bad… Fake!Balnor: Yeah, that’s cause you’re my tough guy, right? [Audience awws and laughs] Hardwon: (emotionally) It was-- it was a tough day, Dad. Fake!Balnor: It’s okay. Tough guys cry. Tough guys cry. Hardwon: (crying) I’m really fuckin’ tough. Murph: He brings you in and gives you a big hug. [Hardwon howl-sobs] Fake!Balnor: For nineteen dollars you can have a gift bag. Hardwon: Wait, what? Jake: Hardwon shakes it off. Fake!Balnor: It’s nineteen dollars for a gift bag. Hardwon: (emotionally) Beverly give him the gold. Caldwell: I give him the shillings. Murph: (laughs) He takes the shillings, um, and you get a little gift bag. There’s some mulch in there, there’s a Bud Heavy-- Jake: Hardwon walks over to a food stand. I can’t strike this man. [Cut forward] Hardwon: That was my first hug from another guy. [Audience laughs] (Real!)Balnor: We haven’t hugged? Hardwon: Bring it in. Balnor: Hey, hey, yeah, c'mon, right? Jake: Hardwon starts crying. Hardwon: (crying) We should do this more.

Murph, as the others "Yeah" and "Mhm" in agreement: And what if he has-- okay, going back to the laser disk stuff, and Jake was saying maybe Grisby has a laser disk on him, he has a bunch of obsolete media on him. So he has a laser disk player-- Emily: Ohh, 8-track. Murph: With an-- yeah, an 8-track on the back. Emily: And he's wearing two iPod minis as earrings. Murph: Yeahhhh! Caldwell: Oh and maybe he says "I put this movie on while I'm eating pussy" [Beat. Emily and Murph cackle.] Murph: (through laughter) Is that a reference to something? Jake: I don't hate that. [Caldwell laughs. For the next while, Emily and Murph talk over each other while Caldwell laughs in the background.] Emily: It's, um-- nonono. It's trademark Grisby. Murph: (laughing harder) it's trademark Grisby?? Caldwell: (laughing) that's really great. Emily: In fact you owe me-- you owe me a dollar for hearing that!! You owe me a dollar for hearing that, Murph!! Murph: (barely able to speak) I eat pussy??-- I watch this movie-- while eating pussy. Jake: That's the Grisby catchphrase. Emily: You owe me a dollar for hearing Caldwell's joke. Cause I'm Caldwell's manager. Caldwell came up with that trademark. Grisby is-- Caldwell-- Give me a dollar, Murph!! Murph: (still laughing) That just-- That was so out of left field. I was like-- this is from a movie. This is-- Emily: Give me a dollar!!! Jake: If you heard Caldwell say that, you owe Emily a dollar. Caldwell: (recovering) That's a Grisby original, man! Murph, as Emily and Caldwell laugh increasingly harder in the background: Alright. Grisby has an awesome catchphrase. He-- (laughs). What kind of person is like… giving enough that they eat pussy? But like, distracted enough that they need to watch a movie during it. But is also eating pussy for like two hours to watch a full movie. Caldwell: I think they're just so good at it. Murph: They're so g-- okay. Emily: Yeah yeah yeah. Jake: Right. They can multitask. Murph: But why would they want to watch a movie during it? Jake: Well, 'cause they have a human tongue. Murph: Theoretically though, you'd need to be engaged for it to be good? Oh my god that's so fuckin' funny. Jake: Well, not when you're Grisby. Murph: Grisby…. wow….. that's a great punishment. Emily: Well that's Grisby's-- that's Grisby's-- I think it's a punishment is that Grisby's-- Murph: Grisby has a laser disk player. Plays Vanilla Sky on descent. It's the only of its type. I put this movie on when I'm eating (sing-song) pussyyyyy~ [The others laugh.]

Murph: It makes a difference everybody. It really really does Caldwell: Congrats, man! Emily: The other day he bought a shirt that was-- Murph, worried: Oh my god. What are you saying. What are you gonna say. What are you gonna... Emily: [laughs] I'm not gonna talk about you watching the Big Bang Theory-- documentary. Murph, yelling away from the mic: I didn't watch the Big Bang Theory!!!! [Jake, Emily, and Caldwell laugh]

Caldwell: I got the solution here. Murph: Do you? Emily: Okay. Caldwell: I got the solution. The solution is to introduce a third, and that third… is a bird. [Extremely pregnant pause] Murph: (truly baffled) What the fuck?? Emily: (laughing) What? Murph: I knew as soon as he raised his hand-- Jake (laughing): You interrupted Murph? Murph: -- as soon as he fucking raised his hand and started nodding-- Emily (yelling over him): Justice Murphy! Justice Murphy! Justice Tanner has something to say! Murph: --I knew he was gonna have-- I knew his idea was fucked. I knew it was fucked. You need to introduce a third, a bird?? Jake: Murph, I know where you're headed, let me cut you off right there! Caldwell: So-- so basically you like leave your window open and you try to like lure a crow in-- Emily (overlapping): Uh-huh. Dangerous. Dangerous for serial killers, but yeah Caldwell: Yes. (laughs) Yeah, I guess like-- Sorry you still have like-- you know, maybe like a camera set up or something like that. Emily: Great. Great. Caldwell: But yeah, you-- you leave your window open so that a crow can like, hop in and then steal some of your wife's dice so she gets kinda a sense of how it feels, and you're like dang i guess that's what it's like. Jake: I watched Murph die inside as you were-- (laughs) Murph, deadpan: What were you saying, Em? [Emily and Caldwell laugh]

Murph: And I also, one time, went to Radio City Music Hall to see A Christmas Carol with Reginald VelJohnson, aka Carl Winslow from Family Matters! Emily: Woah! I just saw him in something! Murph: You saw him in Die Hard. When you saw Die Hard for the first time. Emily: Oh yeah, I went and saw Die Hard in the theaters. Before I was sick, my friends. Murph: And he's great, and he was-- he was in it. And he was awesome. So that was great. Caldwell: Was he dancin'? Murph: Was he what? Caldwell: Was he dancing? You were at Radio City Music Hall. Murph: Was he dancing?? Caldwell: You said you were-- Emily: Yeah! They dance at Radio City Music Hall! Caldwell: Yeah!! Murph: No-- I said I saw A Christmas Carol. Emily: Yes, but was it a dancing Christmas Carol? Caldwell: Were the Rockettes there? Murph: N--No?? Caldwell: Okay! Emily: Was it a Christmas Chorus? Murph: I'm so confused. [Emily laughs.] Is there dancing in A Christmas Carol?? Caldwell: Well, no, but you were at Radio City Music Hall! So I thought there was dancing! Emily: Radio City Music Hall! Murph: I've seen-- I've also seen-- Jake: There's dancing at Radio City, sometimes. Murph: That's the Christmas Spectacular! (laughs) That's not-- Emily: Murph, if-- Murph are you sure? Are you sure? That there was no dancing. Murph: I'm so confused. I've seen like-- comedy acts there! Caldwell: How high did he kick? Jake: Well, Murph. Hold on a sec-- Murph-- it's-- when people like move their bodies rhythmically? [others laugh] That's dancing. Did anyone do anything like that? Murph: I don't-- I think like… Scrooge? Danced with his like? Girlfriend? Emily: Oh, so there was dancing! Yeah, so there was. (laughs) Murph: But I don't think-- Reginald VelJohnson, I don't think was-- I don't think he was Scrooge. Jake: So the answer to their question was yes. Murph: No, he wasn't Scrooge! I believe he was the Ghost of Christmas Present? I don't think-- Caldwell: How was the choreography? Murph: In the dancing??? I don't know?? He-- The Rockettes weren't there! They're not in A Christmas Carol! It's a separate thing! I've seen-- didn't like, John Mulaney do his special at Radio City Music Hall? Caldwell: Well he dances on stage a little bit! He's kind of a springy guy! Emily: I feel like a lot of people dance on the stage-- (laughs) Murph: No! He doesn't-- It's not dancing that everyone-- (laughs) There's-- Caldwell: I think they probably cut that part from the special, when the Rockettes came in. Murph: There's no dan-- I can't say there's no dancing in a Christmas Carol-- Jake: Sweet. So there is dancing. Murph: -- 'cause there is the party. There is the party in the bar-- Caldwell: At Fezziwig's, yeah. Murph: -- at Fezziwig's. Jake: The answer to the "was there dancing" question is yes, there was dancing. Murph: "Was there dancing?" the answer is technically yes, but not for the reason you think. Caldwell: So yes. Okay great. Murph: The Rockettes are not in A Christmas Carol. Jake: The question stands, I think. How was the choreography? [others laugh] Murph: I… don't remember it because there is so little of it. Caldwell: It's a simple question, I don't know why it took so long to drag that out of you. Emily: Yeah, it's really simple! It's really simple! Murph: It's not-- he didn't dance! He didn't dance! Jake: There you go. So you didn't remember.