#n flying

The boys nodded as they traded glances. They had spent a decent amount of time there themselves, and while there had been many good moments, there was much that they couldn’t look back fondly on.

“You don’t know it while you’re there,” he continued, “but after you leave, you realize how watched you were, how little freedom you had.

“There were a few of us who passed through the gates around the same time. Hun and the rest of the boys had always been close friends, even before entering the gates. You know how we tend to stick together in groups; it’s safer that way.

“There was one who was supposed to go through the gates earlier with her friends, but she decided to stay back a little longer. See, she and Hun had taken a strong liking to each other, and it was uncertain if the rest of us were going to be able to pass through soon.

“I never understood the risk she took to wait. There was no guarantee that she would get a second chance…”

--

“But there’s no guarantee that you’ll get a chance in the first place,” you argued.

Kwangjin rolled his eyes. “We’re more likely to get a chance than for you to get a second one.”

You huffed in anger. “This is worth it to me,” you said. You looked to Hun, who had been trying to convince you to go, but had been sidelined as Kwangjin stepped up in his place. “Because even if I go through now and you come through later, you know that once we pass through…”

Kwangjin’s posture and aura softened, but his expression remained angry and bewildered. “It’s your life,” he conceded with a scoff. “You’d just better not get him to stay back with you.” He stomped off, shaking his head.

“This time right now,” you told Hun, taking his hand, “might be worth spending the rest of my existence having to watch you from afar.”

He looked down at your hand and focused every bit of his willpower on memorizing the way it felt, how perfect it was, because he knew that whether you came or not, he might never get to do it again.

Although you spent nearly every moment together, there was still a gap between you. As much as it hurt, even though there wasn’t a guarantee you would ever be separated, you would never hold him back from achieving his full potential.

So when the news finally came that the five boys would pass through the gates together, your heart both breathed a sigh of relief and a gasp of grief. From that point on, he could never truly be yours again.

The night before he was to leave was spent just the two of you, for the last time adventuring around the place you had lived together for so long. Hand in hand, you revisited all the places you had made memories together. However, as the night came to a close just outside your dwelling, it was hard to say goodbye.

As you hugged each other before you parted for the rest of the night, Hun found it impossible to let you go. He lost the fight with his emotions, and before he knew it, he was crying into your shoulder. He held you so tight that if you had been human, he might have crushed you.

“I don’t want to leave you behind,” he sobbed. 

“You have to go,” you told him. “I can’t let you stay behind.”

His body shook in your arms. “Why did you stay?” he whispered, his voice raw. “You could have passed through, but you stayed here.”

Your heart burned as it sank to your stomach. It seemed you would have to reveal your selfishness. “Hun…” you sighed, “I’m not suited for life in the heavens.”

He froze, still clinging to you, but he started to feel cold in your embrace. “But you’re the strongest of all of us,” he said. He pulled away from you suddenly, his hands now squeezing your shoulders. “Please don’t tell me…”

“To be honest, I think I’ve wanted to do this for a long time--”

“No, (Y/N), how could you have kept this from me?” By the second, his face became more and more horrified. “You would just descend without another word? You would leave me alone like that?”

He took his hands from your shoulders slowly, but with nothing else to hold for comfort, he wrapped his arms around himself.

You felt hopeless as your guilt crushed you. The warmth of your own tears grew uncomfortable. “I would never forget you,” you said. “I just” —you nearly choked on your breath as your sobs picked up momentum-- “I think I would die there, Hun, if I couldn’t have you by my side.”

He took a step back and raised his hand to his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I’d rather keep you as a fond memory in my heart than be beside you and not allowed to be with you.”

Your entire body burned with guilt and grief. He felt like everything inside him had been compressed like a vacuum-sealed bag.

He had already been sick over being separated from you, over knowing he loved you and you loved him, but feeling so vastly separated from you. He felt so betrayed and broken.

Even though it hurt terribly to acknowledge, he did understand; “never” was less torture than “maybe someday.”

He couldn’t breathe it hurt so bad. It felt like his lungs were collapsing in on him. Suddenly he was so lightheaded. His vision was unfocused and dark. His shoulder was stinging--why? Through the ringing in his ears, he could almost make out something. Was it calling him? It all slipped past his consciousness. Something cradled his head and it didn’t hurt.

You kissed him.

His hand reached up to meet yours in his hair. He was safe in your arms; if only he could stay there.

You broke the kiss and felt new, relieved tears welling up when you saw his eyes open again and focused on you.

When he had fallen, you were so scared that you had accidentally hurt him with your energy. Maybe you had--no, you knew that you had lost control for a second. However, you were afraid that something much worse had happened to him. If his eyes were open and he was looking at you, he would be okay.

“I’m so sorry,” you said as you ran your free hand down his cheek. “It seems all I’ve done is hurt you.”

You flinched back as Hun tried to sit up. He still seemed dazed, either from his fall, or perhaps something else.

“It’s not your fault,” he said quietly. “These--” he struggled to catch his breath as he leaned his back against the outer wall of your dwelling. “These are terrible options to choose from.” He reached for your hand to hold again. “But I love you anyway.” His eyes flickered down to your lips and back up to your tear-filled eyes.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, looking down at your hands intertwined with his.

“You don’t have to be.” He leaned in closer to you. “Can…” he looked back down to your lips and back up pleadingly. “Can we do that again?”

A smile finally broke through to your face. “Of course.”

--

“I just know that Hun didn’t come home after he went out with her,” Kwangjin said with a shrug. “We just found them in the morning, asleep together right outside where she lived.”

“We didn’t do anything,” Hun spat with a flustered glare. 

“I didn’t say you did.”

“You’re implying something here.”

“Well, okay, I suppose you must have done something with your time if you were gone all evening,” Kwangjin admitted with a little smirk. “Unless you just decided to fall asleep outside her place.”

“It’s not what you’re imagining.”

“Why don’t you fill us in, then?”

“Yeah, hyung, we don’t want any misunderstandings,” Seungseok snickered.

“You’re all bad people,” Hun grumbled, turning to glare at all of them in turn. “We went to the meadows one last time, and when we got back, it was…” he took a breath, “it was hard to say goodbye.”

Those would have been prime teasing words, but Hun had become so serious. His gaze was unfocused, almost seeming to be looking through the table rather than at it. The boys remained quiet and attentive; it was hard to remember that this was a story without a happy ending.

“She told me that she didn’t want to go through the gates,” he said. “I thought that was so strange--Seungseok, you felt her energy, you know.”

Seungseok nodded.

“She was the strongest of all of us,” Kwangjin said.

“But only in ability?” Cheolmin guessed.

Hun shook his head. “I think it was because she was so strong that she didn’t want that life for herself. She was strong enough to understand that she wouldn’t be able to live happily there. In fact, she wanted--” He sighed. “She wanted to descend.”

The boys were quiet, but they didn’t seem shocked. From what they had heard, in fact, it made sense. Perhaps your desire to descend had only shocked Hun so much because he wanted you by his side so badly, or maybe it was because he had never been human. Their perspective was quite different from his.

“I don’t blame her,” Hwan said with a solemn nod.

“I never wanted to descend before,” Cheolmin added, “but now that I have, I don’t know that I would want to go back.”

“She didn’t descend, though,” Seungseok pointed out. “She’s not human, she doesn’t have memories of the heavens.” He looked at Hun, trying to read him as he worked up the energy to keep going. “If she had descended, the story would have ended there.”

Hun bowed his head lower. “I told you this wouldn’t be a story you would like.”

Kwangjin reached out a comforting hand to Hun’s shoulder. “I can tell the story again,” he said.

Hun nodded. “Thanks, hyung.”

Kwangjin ruffled Hun’s hair a bit. He looked like he wanted to say something to comfort him, but he held back. Perhaps because there weren’t any words good enough.

“She did end up passing through the gates,” he continued. “She was powerful, and so the higher-ups in the heavens decided that she belonged there whether she wanted it or not. We didn’t know that she didn’t want to go, of course, so when we were told at the gates that they were looking for her, we went back to convince her to come with us.” He showed a bitter smile. “Looking back, I should have been able to tell that she didn’t want to go.”

“We were all a little blinded then,” Hun admitted. “Myself most of all.”

Kwangjin rolled his eyes. “Don’t needlessly blame yourself. We were all at the brink of fulfilling our dreams, and we wouldn’t have thought that she didn’t share those dreams.”

“But I knew.”

“And so did she. But she came with us anyway.”

There was almost electricity in the intensity of their split-second eye contact, but Hun lowered his head first.

“Because she hadn’t gone with her friends before,” Kwangjin continued, “she ended up being alone.”

“Even though she passed through the gates with you?” Cheolmin asked.

“Because of her strength, she ended up being singled out,” Kwangjin said. “Although it’s tradition to handle responsibilities in groups, there are a few in the heavens that go about alone. Some by choice, others by circumstance. 

“I admired her for the way she lived there,” he admitted. “As five, we were barely managing ourselves, but she seemed like she was able to live so naturally. Eventually, we figured things out, too, but while it took us more than a hundred years to hit our stride, it seemed like she understood immediately.”

“How long were you there before you left?” Seungseok asked.

“Almost two hundred years,” Hun answered before Kwangjin could.

Kwangjin nodded with a smile twisted with nostalgia. “(Y/N) and I…we actually left together.”

Seungseok leaned forward in interest. All of the boys looked more interested, actually.

“Together?” Seungseok said.

“Not just around the same time, but together?” Cheolmin asked.

Kwangjin nodded again. “The heavens are much more chaotic these days than they used to be. It feels like nothing much happened for so long; we went nearly two centuries without incident, and you made it nearly a century of your own, but in the span of only six months, I left and you all were forced out.”

“And six months after that, you were able to let Dongsung go back,” Hwan said. “We operate on such large time scales compared to born-humans, so much happening so quickly doesn’t make sense.”

“But why did you do together?” Cheolmin emphasized.

“Ah,” Kwangjin sighed. “This is the part I wish I didn’t have to tell.”

--

“You know, it’s been almost two hundred years since we entered the heavens,” Kwangjin remarked.

Hun snorted. “And nothing has changed.”

“No, no, it’s definitely gotten more crowded,” Hweseung said. “I can’t keep up with all of these new kids.”

“And you’re not even in charge of helping them,” you scoffed as you opened the door to the private room.

The boys jumped and whipped around to look at you.

“(Y/N)! Seunghyub greeted you. “How long have you been here?”

You set your hands on your hips. “Guess.”

His face fell and he looked embarrassed. “Too long?”

“Too long,” you repeated with a sigh. “Is that what they’re calling that these days?”

“Don’t play like that,” Jaehyun whined.

“I suppose after nearly two hundred years, you’ve just come to take my presence for granted.” You moved around the table to take your seat next to Hun. His lips widened in a little smile as he made room for you. “Don’t feel too bad. I only just showed up.”

“But you didn’t bring any of those new buggers with you, did you?” Hweseung asked cautiously.

“Hey.” You reached over the table to flick his forehead.

“Ah! Hey?” he protested.

“Today is important. Why would I bring anyone new to share secrets with?” You looked around at each of the boys sitting around the table. You knew each of them was trustworthy--how many centuries of history had you shared? But still, you felt apprehensive. “Have you ordered yet?”

“Yes, not long before you got here,” Kwangjin answered.

“And you ordered plenty of pork belly?”

Hun laughed. “When was the last time we made the mistake of forgetting?”

“Too recently for me to trust you, apparently,” you replied with a smirk.

The food came in a few minutes later, and soon you were happily eating, feeding and stealing from each other. These boys were the only reason you were still here after all this time. Although you hadn’t meant for yourself to be here in the first place, it was times like this that you were grateful that you had come after all.

But as you looked over at Hun, your heart burned. After all this time, you were still in love, and after all this time, you were still held this friendly distance apart.

As the food disappeared and your stomachs were filled, your apprehension rose again. These were the only people in the heavens you trusted, and you loved them with your whole heart, but you didn’t know how your lives here would change after you said what you needed to say.

Noticing your worry, Hun stole your hand and held it tight--under the table where no one else could see. “Do you want me to say it?”

You clutched his hand, and with your other, you scrunched the skirt of your hanbok. “I can do it if you can get their attention.”

He nodded to you. “Boys,” he said. He wasn’t loud by any means, but his tone was firm enough to grab their attention. “There’s something important that we need to tell you.”

The boys sat up a little straighter, looking around at each other.

“We?” Seunghyub noticed.

You nodded shakily. “We.” Hun squeezed your hand under the table. You traded glances with him; it didn’t look like he was totally at peace, either, but that somehow gave you strength. “We’re planning on coming forward to the elder gods about…us.”

One by one, you took in their reactions.

Seunghyub’s face split into a wide grin. “Wow, congratulations!”

Hweseung’s jaw dropped. “Shall we order another round of drinks?”

Jaehyun was on the edge of his seat, both excited and a little taken aback. “Really? You’re finally going to do it?”

Kwangjin just looked…shell shocked. “Even though you have no way of knowing what could be the consequences?”

Hun let go of your hand, but only to put his arm supportingly around your shoulders. “We’ve waited long enough.”

The rest of the night was filled with toasts and more food. The boys were genuinely so excited for you, and they weren’t ready for the night to be over. So, even when it was time to leave the restaurant, they followed you home. Seunghyub, Jaehyun, and Hweseung ended up falling asleep on your floor.

Kwangjin stayed sitting with you and Hun in your courtyard. You had known he was concerned, but you weren’t sure why. He had always supported you before, in fact, he had often cursed the rules of the heavens with you. Why, then, was he sitting here looking like he was going to tell you to keep quiet?

“Hun, (Y/N)...”

He sat on the steps just outside of the main room of your house, where the other three boys snored in a pile together.

“Hyung,” Hun said, “if you’re going to tell us not to do it--”

“That’s not what I’m going to do.”

“It looks like that’s what you’re going to do,” you said.

He sighed and looked at the ground, placing his arms on his knees. “I’m just projecting, I guess.”

You exchanged a glance with Hun. 

It had been a long time since you had dared to be this shameless with him, even in the comfort and privacy of your own homes. However tonight, you sat close. You were pressed together with his arm wrapped around your waist. He pulled you even closer.

“What does that mean?” he asked.

“I think…” Kwangjin sighed again, his head sinking even lower as he closed his eyes. “I think I fell in love with a human.” He kept his head lowered as he took a breath. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”