#mynew

You'd gone to see them and had silently listened as they told you everything that had happened, had told what was still to come, and then you had left.

You had needed to be alone.

The alcohol was numbing your senses, drowning out the thoughts that wanted to tumble through your mind.  Alcohol had been your best friend for a while now, drowning out all the bad thoughts and bad days.  What the boys had told you beforehand, since the world shook with the release of the darkness, made so much sense now.

It had been rare before hand to see him in dreams, but once the world shook, there he was.

And you wished he wasn't.

It brought up so much again that you almost thought that it would kill you.  You had practically begged for death at some points, throwing yourself into cases, throwing yourself at any and all monsters that came across your path, but it was never enough, you could never give up the fight like that.

You hated it, and you wanted to hate him too, but knew that you never could.

The boys had tried to talk you out of it when it first happened, and you wanted to be able to listen to them, but their words were never enough, just as they were never enough after it and weren't enough now.

You took another drink.

It was bothering you that he hadn't come to see you, that that hadn't been the first thing he had done when he was out again, and you wanted that heartbreak to finish you off, wanted it more than anything so that you didn't have to feel this crap anymore.  You guessed that he was more interested in trying to find a way to beat the darkness than trying to make any amends with you, and given who he was, it shouldn't hurt as much as did.

Sighing, you throw the empty bottle into the nearby bin and stepped down onto the sand, quickly kicking off your shoes, despite your detestment of sand, you weren't close enough to the ocean for your liking.

You stopped just close enough to the shore line so that it washed over your feet, taking another drink from your pocket.  It was quiet here and at the moment, you needed it.  The quiet could stop your thoughts.

You closed your eyes and drew in a deep breath of the ocean air.  It was settling and the faint taste of salt on your tongue brought you around to take another long drink.

"Dammit Lucifer."  You breathed into the night air, finally letting the tension ease out of your body.

"Here I was thinking you'd forgotten my name."

Your eyes opened wide and you spun.  He stood there smiling that annoyingly calm smile.

It took you a moment to find your voice.  "All this time...and you choose now to appear for me?"

He could hear the anger and hurt in your voice, but he wasn't about to let on that it bothered him.  "You are guarded against angels, remember?"

You wanted to stay calm, you'd spent all this time building the walls for a reason, so you could stay calm.  "And I know you know a way around it."

"Yeah, you have to pray for me."  He said it casually, with a light shrug that just made you want to throw your bottle at him.  "Which you haven't done until now."

Now you did throw it at him, which he lazily brushes aside.  "Bullshit!"  You let the anger roll over you now, letting your voice raise.  "I never stopped!  It was fucking torture to just-just go about my day!  Then you decided to make it worse and all I wanted to do was-"

"Die."  He spoke softly over you, his tone hiding the emotion he feeling.  "I thought seeing me again would help."

"I thought I was going insane."  Your voice was low.  "I thought that I was going to snap, that I would have to call Sam and Dean and put a stop to me before I did something stupid.  I thought that...that..."

Lucifer tilted his head with soft smile.  "You are better than that."

Making a noise of disgust, you turn away from him and start to walk, letting the waves wash away your footprints, determined to get as far away as could from him.

He fell into an easy step beside you.  "I am sorry Y/N."

"Save it."  You snap.  "I don't want to hear it."

With a roll of the eyes that you missed, he grabbed your arm and spun you into him, holding you firmly against him.

You squirmed.  "Let me go Lucifer."

"No."  He made sure your arms were pinned, so that all you could do was glare at him with furious, hurt eyes.  "I want you to be still for a moment."

"And I wanted you to be here."  You gave up fighting and instead let the tears start to fall.  "But you weren't, and it didn't matter what I did, every day hurt."

He gently took your face in his hands, brushing the tears away.  "And there is nothing I can do to take away that hurt, and for that I am sorry.  You know it was never my intention to hurt you, I swore that I never would, but I am who I am."

The sobs start breaking free, it had been built up much too long.  "I know, and so many people have told me so, but that does not make it hurt any less."

"I know."  He placed a soft kiss on your forehead.  "I had to protect you."

Your hands clenched tightly into his shirt, jamming your eyes shut, your body shaking.  "I don't want to be protected, I want you."

He pulled you into his arms, holding you close against him, resting his head on yours as you buried against him, letting the tears fall.  "I'm here now."

The sobs were hard and broken but he just held you close, the waves washing over your feet, he held you till you could cry no more, his fingers smoothing up and down your back, gently rocking you in time with the waves.

You let the quiet take you again, drawing in shuddering breathes to let yourself settle.  He was here now, and while it still hurt, you knew that it would start to hurt less and slowly disappear everyday.

"Can you stay?"  You mumbled against him.

"If you'll have me."

"You know I will.  I always will.  I didn't wait all this time just to turn you away."

He chuckles and places kisses into your hair.  "I'm glad to hear that, although just moments ago you wanted to walk away from me."

You grumble but don't move.  "Don't be a dick."

"Would you prefer I be quiet?"

You sigh.  "No, it's been quiet far too long."

Gently, he pulled your chin up till you were looking at him, your eyes still red and puffy.  Without saying another word, he pressed a kiss to your lips, earning a small whimper from you.

This was what you missed, having him close.  When it was like this, nothing else mattered, you didn't care about anything other than him and you.  As he deepened the kiss, he poured everything he felt into it, and that told you enough, that was what you wanted.