#myldn

”I am worried about you, I just need to know you are safe,” he said.

“I am safe.  I am not suicidal,”  I said from behind a locked door because I don’t want him in my space.

“You just said you were!  You were not answering the phone,” he said.

“I did NOT say I am suicidal and I did block your calls and you didn’t call the house phone, so not actually worried, this is the same game you play, crisis time to pause real life because NOW it’s uncomfortable for you.”

I am not suicidal.  I rarely have that feeling, and that has been an enormous relief over the past year.  If this was a year ago, that feeling would be paramount right now.

I make tough choices every day.  

There have been many more good, consistent days than not and that’s been for awhile.

The last month may have been the best I’ve had since I can remember.  When I get upset I have time to process it before I decide if it’s worth a reaction.  My reactions are not as big as they used to be.  In fact, I find myself watching other people and thinking, “boy, maybe they should have just had one cup of coffee because their nerves seem shot and it’s only 10am!”

That doesn’t mean I won’t say when I feel something is not okay.  It doesn’t mean my feelings don’t get hurt.  It means that “although I am a spiritual person, I don’t accept bullshit.”

There is a mountain of financial insecurity and stress on my shoulders every day.  Yes, it’s on his too, but he has no changes to make.  His answer is, has always been, and will always be to just keeping going in the same direction.

So although I have never individually felt better it doesn’t mean there are no problems.  It doesn’t mean it’s an ideal or perfect life and I recognize there are only so many solutions.

A year ago the anxiety and stress were so extreme I couldn’t function.  They were technically less extreme a year ago when it was difficult to mentally and physically function.  I would be paralyzed in the back room at work, crying uncontrollably or having to leave all together.

Today was a big fight.  And the pattern was there, except I am different.  I am not suicidal, I am not hoping to die, but I am bawling and miserable because he can’t see me outside of that, for all the growth I have had in a year, it’s still just his crisis to avoid real life.

Wouldn’t that be convenient right now if I was handcuffed and taken to the hospital?  No doubt who’s at fault then right?  For two weeks everyone can be in crisis mode and then everyone is sensitive for a bit after and you can pretend real life isn’t going on.  But even if I am yelling, even if I am angry, it doesn’t make me crazy or unreasonable.

There is a reason I can feel this bad in spite of the work I do to be well.  And feeling that bad doesn’t necessarily consume me, what consumes me is this. What can I do about it?

And the projection from him, about who I am?  That’s a lie.  And I wonder how long it has been a lie?  How long was I taken advantage of because my mental state was so damn easy to manipulate.

I know the truth.  I know me inside, so whatever anyone else thinks or says, wether correct or not, isn’t any of my business.  

I have worked too hard not to make more major changes, several of which are enormous losses to me.

There are some things about me that have not changed, thankfully, I feel deeply, my intuition is deep, my passion~negative and positive~are bigger than the average brown bears, that will always make a normal uncomfortable.

Todays post to the group at www.patientslikeme.com

I began individual therapy at age 13 for anorexia.  I generally felt like an alien, like this wasn't the planet I belonged on.  My first intentional overdose was at age 19 with an imipramine prescription; prescribed in my sophomore year of college for anxiety (I'd transferred mid freshman year to Canada, was married that summer and we began our sophomore year at the same university I'd left as a freshman).

It was on a vacation with my ex-husband and his sisters in Holland that I O.D.'d.  I was shipped back to the United States and within a few weeks was trying to jump out of a car my mom was driving.  I turned 20 in the psychiatric ward at St. Josephs in Bellingham, Washington.

I was best at running.  To University of Alaska Anchorage, then to Mankato, Minnesota, then back to the university I attended as a Freshman to finally graduate.  At graduation my first son was 6 months old and a year later his dad and I would be separated.

When I found out my high school sweetheart had divorced I called him immediately and returned to Petersburg, Alaska~the town I was born, had graduated high school and considered home.  "I don't know what is wrong with me," I told him, "but there IS something wrong with me.  I won't be normal."  

He loved me anyway and we've been together 20 years this June.  We have five children and it's a miracle I am here to tell the story.  I wasn't diagnosed until I was 30, the same year I had our twins.  At first it was a relief to have an answer to "what is wrong?"  

Unfortunately for the next 8 years it was a miserable cycle of prescription cocktails, which I abused and soon began drinking as well (I'd abstained from alcohol for most of my life, aside from one year of experimenting at age 13.  I have never been a fan of pot nor tried anything stronger than that recreationally).  I spent years in weekly counseling and monthly psychiatric therapy appointments.  At age 32 I was back in the psychiatric ward for a few weeks.  For all the treatment I certainly wasn't better.

But I was told it was a chemical imbalance, that it wasn't my fault, and I really didn't take responsibility for my actions, my behavior or the destructive variables I added to my life.  

My rock bottom was at age 38.  I was drinking on a daily basis combined with propranolol, lithium and and anti-depressant (which one doesn't matter, I'd taken them all).  I often added Lunesta or Ambien to the mix because, you know, sleep is important.

This was the third time I was admitted to a psychiatric ward.  My husband said, "I don't know if I love you anymore," my baby sister said, "I will take care of your kids, but I won't give them back to you if I take them it's for good."  I'd lost my job with a school district the year before.  I knew this was the point to end or begin.  I choose an outpatient treatment center in Washington State and lived seconds, minutes and a day at a time.

It was excruciating.  I learned that I am wholly and completely responsible for myself.  I learned to forgive myself all the evil I did to myself and to those I love.  It's been a six year process, each baby step leading to another one to take.  

I learned about aspartame poisoning (I'd drank at least 4 cans of diet coke a day since age 13) and quit using products with artificial sweeteners in them.

I quit drinking alcohol.  Eventually I quit all medications, the last straw was Lithium, which was wrecking havoc on my system and even at barely therapeutic levels made me ill.  I would gag every time I had to take one.

I learned about trans-fats and the harm they inflict on our bodies.  I worked diligently to buy food that would heal not harm me.

But, this is bipolar, and as over-diagnosed as it is, it's the best description of my struggle.  Last April my struggle was so daily, and this was a very healthy person in general, that I was making appointments for EST or TCS.  "Please," my husband begged, "just take something, anything, just to get through the summer."  I own a retail shop now, he is a commercial fisherman, he just needed me to get through a few months until he was home.  I didn't want to, but look at everything he'd stuck with me through.  I went to the Dr.

"Wellbutrin," he said.  

"No. Way." I responded.

"You could try LDN, it's not like other pharmaceuticals," he suggested.

I cried.  It took me days of researching to agree to the prescription.  I felt defeated.  All the work I had done to get everything out of my system and it was back to the pharmacy.

But it's been different.  The first day taking LDN I got ready for work without a meltdown.  I began being able to wake up in the morning, I slept better at night.  I had a buffer I'd never felt before, that TINY bit of time most people seem to have before reacting to stimuli, it existed for me.

It's been 10 months taking LDN and it's been an enormous increase in quality of life for me.  It was such an improvement to be able to function between 6am and 4pm that I accepted petering out at 4pm as a natural limiting factor, keeping me from overdoing it.  

Within the past month I quit drinking caffeine and began taking a probiotic.  I believe those two changes are what gave me a new normal between 4pm and 8pm, which is pretty incredible!  I also am not craving sugar like crazy since beginning the probiotic.

It's a daily thing.  Every single day I have to make choices to fuel my body with real food, not garbage, to rest when I am tired (fibromyalgia became my secondary complaint and compounded all other symptoms), and my mental health tool box is massive.

There IS something different about me, but it's not the story I was told at age 13, 19, 30, 32 or 38.  The best resources in my opinion are found at www.madinamerica.com and through organizations like www.LDNresearchtrust.org and doctors who are waking up and working to assist in patients healing themselves, like http://kellybroganmd.com/a-psychiatrists-perspective-on-antidepressants/ .  

A friend used the word HOPE recently and I told her, "I need to adopt that mindset when it comes to the mental health industry.  It's a broken model, a broken system, which has helped very few patients, and harmed the majority." 

Yancey, “Did you see that quote on Facebook?”

Me, “not likely, which one?”

Yancey, “The one that said if you look at the person you say you love, and only love them for memories past, there is a problem.”

In unison, “I sure don’t just love you for the memories!”

When it comes to balance something falls away when I focus on another.  We began Junior skating practices in late September and in October Missy found out she will be a Rotary Youth Exchange student next fall.

Somehow writing hasn’t fit in.  That’s sad.  But also okay.

Here is a list of things I have either began writing about or thought about writing about:

LDN progress (very good!)

Basics Builder with Booty Quake.

whole30, clean eating and no sugar (not so good in Oct./Nov.)

Refugees; Golden Rule. Period.

REI and the #optoutside advertising campaign (still undecided)

Drink more water, and be thankful for clean water from the tap.

Junior skating makes me happy to wake up at 4:20am.

It will be a tough winter, and that’s a very relative statement.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Including, loving someone very deeply, in spite of our memories.

Me (the sobbing version): I don't feel too hot.

Yancey: No?

Me: No. Very bad. Like maybe you should quit fishing and just hold me.

Yancey: You kinda managed a perfect storm. Traveling, end of month, that time of month and short staffed at work. Maybe next time you travel check the calendar first?

Me: Yes, next time I'll ask the camp facilitators to take all those variables into consideration.

Yancey: As a man I am happy to help. It's what we do.

Me: (burrowing between his neck and shoulder, which did actually help)

There are always a few very bad, no good days in a month. It is summer which means no one is home and everything feels out of control. If I am home, I am working. My twins reminded me last night that next year they will be in high school. The sun came out and they wanted to go canoeing in front of the house, but they couldn't find paddles. I didn't go outside with them, not even for 5 minutes. What do you suppose I feel worse about today, not having more work done, or not stepping on the porch with the twins for a few minutes?

Lisa: I miss you. Wish you were here.

Yancey: I miss you too!

Lisa: Truth? I really want some sugar cereal right now but can't bring myself to buy it at the grocery store... If you were home you could bring me some.

Yancey: Huh. Well, I would and I miss you more.

Whole30 began at our house last week and our grocery cart is getting even cleaner, no matter who does the shopping.

Sugar was my final drug to give up.

That's a lie. Coffee would be. "Would be" because N.O., spells no.

I heard, “you are getting skinny,” a lot this week, which is news to me since I am eating what I usually eat and skating zero days/week vs. 4 times/week.

I did believe one avocado had about 1,000 calories and that never stopped me from eating one a day.  Who knows where I got that idea, the truth is I don’t count calories, ever.  I can’t stand numbers, they don’t stick in my head and I need a 10-key or calculator for any math.

This week has primarily consisted of putting boat and home accounts in order for someone else to handle; working to find an LDN knowledgeable and advocating doctor for the family.  In general this week has taken more out of me than I can put back at the same rate.

Sometimes you get an idea or belief about the value of something, and sometimes your idea or belief is completely in error.  

Sometimes it will change your behavior, sometimes it will not.  For example, just because I am only eating 250 calories per avocado doesn’t mean I will now eat 4/day just to add up to the number of calories I presumed I was eating.

I was mistaken, but it won’t change how I eat avocados.  

The issue is less in answering the question, “was I wrong,” and more understanding why.

Why was I wrong?  

1.  I don’t really care how many calories are in it, I simply believed it roughly added up to a substantial meal.  

2.  I am especially, terribly bad at recalling and remembering digits and numbers.

It’s not a hard formulae, even for me.  For every mistake there is a belief or idea which is the foundation.  If you don’t understand the foundation you will continue to repeat the mistake.  

How did this begin today... I was looking for information about an inhaler one of my kids was prescribed for exercise induced asthma ( I know...) Proair made by TEVA Pharmaceuticals.  

Just a few paragraphs in on the factsheet TEVA states, "Once a medicine has been approved for marketing for a certain use, experience may show that it is also useful for other medical problems. Although these uses are not included in product labeling, [albuterol] is used in certain patients with the following medical condition:  Hyperkalemia (too much potassium in the blood)." ~i.e. “off label use” of Proair

One argument we hear against LDN is, “it’s off label,” but that criticism doesn’t apply to patented drugs? 

While I was enjoying the hypocrisy of Proair off label vs. LDN off label I came across the You Don’t Know Jack About MS, which made me angry because LDN has great success with MS, and ultimately led me back to the disappointing news that Demi Lovato also partnered with bigPharma.

I am having trouble swallowing pharmaceutical sponsored celebrity causes, when the corporations know damn well low dose naltrexone does everything their expensive patented drugs do, but better as LDN works to strengthen the immune system vs. having been designed to destroy disease.  

Jack Osbourne + MS = TEVA Pharmaceuticals

 http://www.youdontknowjackaboutms.com/about-ms/ms-myths-and-facts

Sidenote:  TEVA was the US manufacturer of Revia, ie. Naltrexone, in 2010 under their subsidiary Barr Laboratories.   It is the FDA approved drug which has to be compounded to make low dose naltrexone or LDN.  Have they suggested LDN to you Jack~being off label should not be an issue for TEVA, as shown above with their Proair product.

Another Sidenote:  The game “you don’t know Jack” was once a family favorite.

Demi Lovato + bipolar = Sunoviun Pharmaceuticals

http://bevocalspeakup.com/

Sidenote:  From bipolar diagnosed to another, Demi, their drugs are very much not the solution.  I am sorry.  You have a wonderful message, I can’t get behind it because Sunoviun paid for it :(  PS.  bipolar should be a rare illness, but now even WebMD claims that is a myth, it will get darker still...

http://www.businesswire.com/news/home/20150528005276/en/Demi-Lovato-Joins-Forces-Sunovion-Leading-Mental#.VWybWVxViko

Immunotherapy + Big$$$ = Bristol Meyers Squibb June 1st announcement!

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/01/health/immunotherapy-cancer-treatment-advance/

There is one celebrity movement I can get behind right now, LOVE IS LOUDER created by Brittany Snow.