this first entry will be about my fat, as im sure you, the void, expected.
according to my bmi, im not overweight. the problem, though, is my fat distribution. it all goes to my face and my stomach. the two worst fucking places for fat to go.
if i just had a skinner face i would already look so much better in pictures. my face looks round/square, which i think would be fine if i just had a square face shape, but it’s not from my structure it’s literally just fat. if i poke my cheek my finger, like, disappears to the first knuckle. and somehow there’s still so much fat on the sides and bottom of my face. sometimes i pull the fat on my face back to see where my actual jaw is. i think i might have a heart face shape. but i can’t fucking tell because of all the goddamn fat in the way. ugly piece of shit.
and my stomach. it goes out past my boobs. it looks so bad. i look like gru from despicable me. maybe if i had an ass to offset it, it’d be okay. but i don’t have an ass. i look pregnant. alternatively, i look like a middle-aged man with a beer belly. either one. i don’t understand how i can have so much belly fat. it looks ridiculous, unreal. i look like a cartoon character that unknowingly ate a watermelon seed a while ago. it’s repulsive. im repulsive. i need liposuction or something. and the worst part is, apparently it’s just a genetic thing for all my fat to go to my stomach. my dad has it too, but at least he actually is a middle-aged man. but what this implies is that i’ll always have an unproportional amount of belly fat. no matter how much weight i lose, my stomach will still be huge relatively. it’ll still be “bulging out” as my mother so kindly told me in high school. i’ll just be a twig with a watermelon stomach.
it’s disappointing, really. cuz i like the chubby look on other girls. id like to look like that. but i can’t, or at least not without having a huge stomach that looks like it should be making me fall over. im so jealous of all the body positive girls that post about their fat. they may technically have more than me, but at least theirs is evenly distributed. they look good. i don’t. i have yet to see a body positive post with someone that looks like me. and you wanna know why i think that is? i think it’s because you can’t make a body like mine look good. there’s nobody that would find it attractive. you could post all you want about it but you would just receive pity and false compliments. my body is repulsive, and everybody knows it.
