#myeshachaney

When I wrote my memoir, I had no idea the most honest chapter would come after it was published. My landlord gave me a 60-day notice that he wanted to sell my home after my lease ended in June. There is a very long story to go with what happened next. A story I plan on telling in the days to come. But for now, all you need to know is this. Everything happens exactly as it is supposed to. Nothing…

I have literally lived through every single one of my worst fears. And guess what? I survived them all. Yes, I have a smile on my face. Yes, my thoughts are positive, peaceful, grounded. If you looked at my life from the outside right now, you would be thinking: what is going on? I cannot fully explain the freedom I feel. The peace of being untethered to everything. Of having no idea what…

Honest take. The hardest part of rebuilding is no longer replaying the highlight reel of the past. The good moments. The early years. The trips. The Christmas mornings. The version of life that worked, before it stopped working. Nobody warned me how often I would try to understand by replaying and rehearsing scenarios. The negative aspects justified the departure. The good parts made me wonder if…

I had planned to see a Balinese healer on the day of my wedding anniversary. For years my body had been accustomed to leaving the country on that date. Travel had become muscle memory. This time, I wanted the day to belong to me. When I arrived for the session, the healer asked me not to overexplain. He looked at me with quiet attentiveness and spoke in a way that felt less like instruction and…

I have been singing since I had memory. I sat there the other day and realized that I have gone from singing every single week to singing to myself in the shower. Part of me felt sad about it. The other part of me felt peace, because I trust that God does work all things together for our good. And in that moment, I realized that all is well. This journey of mine did not come without sacrifice,…

Honest take. Talking about the healing journey does not equal healing. I spent years talking about my healing journey on the internet. Early on, saying it out loud was the first step to becoming it. I was in the middle of it. Still terrified. Still performing. A lot of us are doing this. Talking about healing as a way of reaching for it. Talking is part of the work. And sometimes healing requires…

For most of my adult life, I was performing the spiritual identity everyone expected of me. I preached. I prayed. I fasted. I worshiped. I led. I stood on stages and spoke about faith and discipline and devotion. I helped other people find healing. None of it touched the place underneath. That is what unsettles me now. I learned how to be faithful without ever feeling free. It was not until I sat…

Honest take. Being single has been better to me than being married. I got married at 21. I became single at 40. And in between, the message I received from every direction was clear: marriage is the destination. Single is what you survive until you get there. I believed it. I worked for it. I built my whole life around it. Then I became single. And here is what surprised me. I sleep better. I…