#murphyslaw

We’ve all quoted it: “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” We treat Murphy’s Law like a divine curse, a dark cosmic joke played on us by the universe. But what if the “Law” isn’t about what goes wrong, but about the single decision you make after it goes wrong? The real Murphy’s Law is not a statement about fate; it’s a terrifyingly accurate mirror reflecting the quality of your internal…

That I go to meetings and shit. Keeps me busy. Social interaction is nice. It's only been 104 days and I am now officially a General Service Representative for the group I go to... This is most definitely going to be interesting...

It's also my daughters birthday....

Did I mention I quit smoking cigarettes today too?

someone had mentioned how this time of the year can be pretty hard for them, as I'm sure it is for a lot of people. I mean hell, my uncles death date is October 3, 2012, so naturally I get it. However, listening to said person talk, I realized that it is now October 21. It has been almost 3 weeks since the anniversary of his death and this is the first time in 13 years I didn't even notice. Between his death date and his birthday, this time of year is usually when I would spiral and dive even deeper into my drug use. I have 95 days of sobriety today and when I think about it (even though he had overdosed) I'm starting to feel as if I was using his death as an excuse to use even more. I always thought that it would be the opposite. I mean why wouldn't it. Why would I continue to do the thing that initially caused his death. My favorite fucking person in the entire world. No sane, normal person would.

This last January... on his birthday no less, my place was burned to the ground. Because of another situation, I had left only a few hours before to go check on someone else I care about. That night my friend and I decided to smoke DMT and having the biggest clarity moment of my life, I decided to walk away from it all. I had made it 120 days, because who am I kidding, who the fuck wants to be sober while homeless... nobody. 2 and a half months later I get shot, move back home (which is also where my uncle is buried) and this is the first time I have gone sober, where it wasn't so..... taxing. I'm not sure if it's because he's around or because I can actually feel him more, but I know he has a lot to do with it.

I guess my point it, healing feels good. Not dwelling in the thing that killed him feels good. Realizing he's around more so now that I'm home is probably the reason why I haven't been dwelling on his death date feels good..

Life's good.

I know there are days where people will still think about using or still want it etc. For me? It took me 82 days for my mind to "miss it". I dont though. Where I'm at now, mentally, physically (residentially too), emotionally etc, I want nothing to do with it. However, Wednesday afterwork, as I was driving home, it wasnt that I missed it and wanted to right then, it was more along the lines of me wanting to be back in california, at my homeless camp, with my dog and a few others and thats where I wanted to. The feeling was brief and I shook it off quickly. I kept telling myself wtf. Why would you even entertain the thought. Even for a second. Dont stupid...

I went to a meeting last night and talked about it and listened and talked a little more.

This morning I woke up from a dream that i think surprised me even more.

I was at a house. Looked similiar to one that I have lived in, but it looked all homeless-y and broke down at the same time. Someone I feel like I knew came up to me with a needle and was trying to say he had something. I said go have fun with that as he started following me around and even tried to physically give it to me.

I fought him off.

In the 34 years that I have been alive and in the last 20 years that I have used and gone off and used and gone off, this is the first dream that involved this kind of thing that I didnt go looking for it, I didnt go asking for it, that I wasnt actively thinking about it.

I was fighting it.

Obviously I woke up crying. 84 days into being sober and my subconscious is finally catching up to a place where I am. Where I want to be and where I continue to strive to be.

And he's been great, as both my employer and my roommate, and even as taboo as it may sound, I started to like the asshole. Dont get me wrong, everyone has warned me, even him, but am I wrong to assume that actions speak louder than words? We have a fairly similar view on relationships or lack of, but why pursue someone or act and even say things (mostly act) that make it seem one way just to completely 180 the next day. Not come home, ie actively avoid me.

One of the other coworkers/roommates says its not personal, but when he tells me that I've been a waste of money and that I would save him money if I had just stayed home and then do whatever he can to not be around me let alone talk to me?

The old me would have probably dwelled on this and let it uproot everything I've worked on, but the new me (I'm really starting to like the new me) sat with it for about a day and a half, said fuck this, got ready for the day ( didnt go to work though ) and did everything else I would normally do.

There have been a few times that he let a few things slip feelings wise while he was drinking, (like how jealous hed be if I started to try to see someone else) and instead of trying to get back at him, I'm sitting at a place that feels like family, studying for my new job and just trying to be me. It feels good, regardless of the old habits of mine trying to come forth and want to raise hell and shove it in his face.

That's not me anymore.... but still.... why do it?

I'm a little surprised that I haven't posted anything about this sooner. Especially since it's been 2 whole days.

No longer do I have to channel John Cena or even look like Joan Rivers\Jack Nicholson from Batman.....

I have my smile back. Even with them just being temporary one, my more permanent ones will be designed after my original smile. Eventually I will have my own smile back.

I smile way to big to not be able to smile without holding back.

And let me tell you, I'm not sure if the swelling and the pain is from the smiling so big, or if it's a combination of both getting all the top teeth pulled and the excitement.

This morning I went to the store to get some things to make breakfast, and it's definitely different to see how many people actually just wanted to strike up a conversation with me now that I just smile all the time. I dont even know these people. (Well, some of them... it is a small town)

It was refreshing. My mom had me so self conscious about my smile (not in the way you'd first think)

Where I live, because of how small town it is and with how much of a mid to high class group of tax payers here (I guess), they can be fairly judgemental. Or so I'm told, and I'm sure there are a fair share of them, but walking into my moms place of work, and showing off said new smile, some people didnt even notice until I pointed it out. (They were aware of the condition of my teeth before hand) Still, the fact is they didn't care about the condition of my teeth to the point they didnt even notice I got them done without pointing it out. Then they saw the differences, the bigger smile, the fuller face (not just because of the swelling) I mentioned my moms concerns and some of them just mentioned that maybe she was worried of the judgement of her by proxy of me and the life I just came from. Which it makes sense if you knew my family.