#mun behavior

Stop interacting with muses you, the mun, think are only enjoyable as the butt of jokes, uplifting your muse, or great projects for fandom "activism."

Muses do not always get along, even those who have canon friendships can end up disliking each other based on individual portrayals - and that is fine! This PSA is not about what your muse is doing with another muse, it's about how you're making another mun feel when you hate or hold negative opinions about their muse, yet, choose to "interact" anyway.

So, this mun is a part of your friend group or has been brought into it?

Great, you neither have to like their muse nor have to go follow them. People can be friends or polite associates in a friend group without becoming mutuals. If your other friends keep pushing friend-to-friend following, they need to mature past thirteen or you need to be frank with them about why you'll have to bow out of places like discord servers if they're going to keep trying to force everyone to be close friends and writing partners irrespective of their ability to be friends and writing partners.

So, this mun followed you?

You do not have to follow them back. You absolutely can and should just not do that, it's very easy! If they message you about it, politely go ahead and tell them that you don't think you'll work out, but appreciate the follow. And if they keep bothering you or take a polite, non-hostile (you know, in which you do not say "I can't stand your muse") statement badly? Congratulations, this was a bad mutual you just avoided, block them.

So, this mun is a multi and has muses you do like?

Okay, I know it's, apparently, super hard in the tumblr RPC to get this, but stay with me...you can have opinions you do not express on the dash. Not everything you think or feel should be said in a public space, and that definitely includes being hateful about someone's muse. If you cannot refrain from making fun, going off on a dissertation about how shit they are, or reblogging posts of either nature - be mature enough to recognize your limits and unfollow.

We are all liars if we say there is not a single character that doesn't get under our skin. That's fine! Just as being deeply invested positively in a character doesn't make you a bad person, this doesn't make you a bad person. Your choice to interact with muns of that character, however, does make you an ass.

The entire point of tagging triggers/content is to help people avoid specific triggers or content they may need to avoid.

It isn’t that all content is inappropriate for the setting, it is that this particular content is not appropriate for the setting, or this particular content is a squick, otherwise upsetting, whatever. It’s not that everything is a trigger, that is literally not the way a trigger works.

If I need to filter NSFW material while at work, around some family members, and so on, it doesn’t do me any good to have “content warning” slapped onto it. I can’t filter that, and maybe the content in a post isn’t something I need to avoid for any reason. Since you have given me no option but to filter out everything you use that tag on, I’m now not going to see any of it.

If I need to avoid images of something because it is an identifiable trigger for me and I have asked you to tag it, tagging it as “trigger/trigger warning/tw” isn’t going to allow me to filter that out.

If your posts are going to be encountered by a wider audience and deal with common triggers like sexual assault, child abuse, gore, arachnids, clowns, etc., it isn’t helping anyone who may be negatively impacted by the post’s content to tag it as any of the fucking above instead of tagging for the specific trigger.

Are you getting the point I am repetitively hammering in?

Be specific and simple about these warnings for them to serve their purpose.

Do:

trigger word here tw (example: blood tw)

content word here cw (example: child abuse cw)

trigger word (example: blood)

content word here (example: child abuse)

for NSFW tags use something short, simple, and listed in your rules as the tag to block

Do NOT:

trigger warning

tw

content warning

cw

tw word here

cw word here

~//~ trigger/content tw/cw ~\\~ ( NO SYMBOLS, including N*FW)

your only tag to block is a long, complex, utterly unique to you sentence like “flesh && orbs on fire with the passion of a thousand suns in a thousand galaxies && she waits” as your NSFW tag

fail to list what you tag NSFW material as in your rules

fail to list anything else uniquely worded that may need to be filtered out

debatable style warnings when they’ve not been made clear in the rules and are not used consistently by you, such as adding “ish” to a tw/cw/nsfw when it is personally debatable to you if it’s bad enough to be tagged - if you’re concerned enough to tag it, it probably does, but at least be consistent! If you feel a picture of an artistic nude, lingerie, or an ear nibbling gif might not be NSFW enough, use the same tag every time it is something of a mildly sexual, not explicit, nature. If you feel like a cartoon insect might not be triggering, use the same tag every time in case it is. You can always separate out the tags, too. Like #nsfw #ish

Yes, positivity is important. No, not all positivity is the same, and when we talk about “positivity” in the RPC, we need to be aware of that.

I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but a lot of the “positivity” around is performative positivity, passive positivity. It’s neither helpful nor all that positive. It’s just yelling about and pressuring for positivity, while expending no personal effort to give meaningful acts of any such thing. If you really give a shit about “spreading positivity,” uplifting mutuals and the community, you won’t balk at this. You’ll assess your behavior and try to do better.

Examples of some passive/performative positivity:

reblogging statements like “we NEED to get back into the habit of POSITIVITY” and adding tags or direct statements on the reblog that you “better see everyone reblogging this” and stopping there, with a demanding threat of, at least, shaming

copy-paste, especially anonymous, positivity chain messages (that frequently cite things contrary to the mun and/or muse’s characteristics/personality/writing)

reblogging the “I actually enjoy seeing this user on my dash” and/or “I actually like following this user” etc. style posts - it’s honestly not positive, you’re implying that you don’t like seeing, following, or interacting with some, and the overall tone of the post and action is once again shaming and demanding (not to mention, everyone else’s dash is nothing but this shit while 10+ mutuals wank over each other in this manner)

reblogging PSA’s about how to spread meaningful positivity, then doing none of it

sending an emoji meme in that denotes extremely simplistic ideas of what you like about the poster, leaving it at that

random posts of how much you love everyone, citing exactly nothing or the same handful of easy to throw out, applies to a large amount of people (or it doesn’t, but we all know everyone wants to feel like they write well, have interesting muses, etc. and it plays into this) - you sound like that drunken person every bar has that goes off about how much they LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH, not like you’re actually encouraging anyone specifically

blowing smoke up people’s asses/using requests for concrit to do nothing but give useless ass-pats about how infinitely great they are in all areas of writing and portrayal

Examples of some meaningful positivity:

engaging with partners and mutuals on their posts - liking headcanons, commenting on answered memes, liking/commenting on OOC posts

getting specific about what you enjoy in their writing, their muse portrayals, threads, headcanons, instead of the copy-paste or emoji route

appreciating mutuals and partners in visible ways (like those stated above, sending ask memes, paying attention to what they post and their muses, showing them respect and interest as real human beings) regularly, without prompting or being guilted and shamed into it

being honest, but polite and respectful, when a mutual posts a meme requesting concrit/asking what you like about the muse or writing and what you’d encourage growth with

when sending an emoji meme in about why you follow, what you like, why you stayed etc. add something to it that is specific about why

responding to replies OOC (where applicable, not all partners mesh well enough for this or desire much OOC conversation), telling them not only that you got it and liked it, but what you specifically enjoyed the most in the reply

seriously, be specific when giving positivity, your partners and mutuals are individuals and deserve to be treated as such with receiving specific-to-them comments on their writing

generally, being respectful of others - the whole environment is far more positive when you read and respect rules, boundaries, and muses, even if that means respecting that you and another mun might not work out together

It’s a minimal effort to actually bother with paying attention to the people you interact with, to take the attention you’ve paid and apply it to meaningful, individual commentary and actions. If you cannot handle this, you have too many people to deal with in a respectful, adult way they deserve...or you may want to reassess whether you have the time, attention span, motivation, and are at the right mental space in your life to be in a hobby that requires interaction with other people.

Giving people lazy “positivity” so that you feel you’ve done what you need to in order to be A Good RPer isn’t positive. It’s kind of insulting, actually. If, IRL, someone told you and the five people nearest to you identical compliments, would overhearing this make you feel good about yourself? Positive? Visible as a person? It wouldn’t, no. So, don’t do it here.

Legitimate positivity doesn’t mean constantly forcing yourself out of your comfort zone OOC, either. Your social anxiety and social deficits aren’t a sufficient excuse; you and every other person here has these complications. I have those complications!

If you find yourself still vehemently pissed at me for saying that, may want to rant back at me about how ableist this is, here’s some things I, a person with social limitations, high distraction, and serious anxiety do:

commenting on comment-appropriate posts something specific ( “the freckle on your cat’s foot is so cute!” “I love how you addressed x in that headcanon” etc.) when I am in a good space to do so

liking posts - OOC posts, meme answers and muse questionnaires that were great whether I’m tagged/sent in the ask or not, PSA’s and resources I think are good

reblogging PSA’s, resources, and other things I know are important to the mun to have shared that I agree with

sending in ask memes, sometimes even just on anon to mutuals I don’t write with - everyone wants to be sent something, this is a great way to allow others to respond to questions no one else might ask them

anonymous, positive comments on their muse, writing, blog that are, again, specific in detail

trying to note when a mutual, even one I don’t interact with really, is clearly needing a boost in confidence or interest, being sure to send a meme or something else in to them when I can

being aware of my partners and mutuals so that I can send them, when the opportunity is present with memes or requests for asks, questions on topics I think they’d like an excuse to discuss (someone keeps posting images or commentary in tags about a muse’s pet, clothing interests, hobbies, mental health, whatever, but no one is biting, for example)

The majority of the above can be done without direct, consistent OOC conversation, and much of it can be done on anon. Sometimes, it makes people feel extra good to feel like they have a secret admirer, a mysterious mutual or partner who is paying attention and valuing their posts. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Especially because so many of us have trouble with random, long, or consistent OOC discussions; sending them on anon means that the receiver doesn’t feel obligated to contact and converse with you.

Positivity’s point isn’t that it be done out of obligation, guilt, or shame. Neither is it to be done out of performative, passive, often enough even vaguely virtue-signaling, or clique-like, circular gushing about each other for an hour repetitively. It isn’t to make you feel like A Good Person, or to show the RPC that you are a model RPer, you care so deeply about the RPC that you...can’t be bothered to expend the personalized effort and pay attention to those on your dash.

If you really care about positivity in the RPC, you need to stop doing it in hollow, meaningless ways.

You need to stop demanding, threatening, and shaming others into performative actions with you. It’s not enough to say you care and do something lethargic to show it, you need to actually be bothered to be specific. And if someone doesn’t feel positive, isn’t interested in playing the reblog or chain letter or tag game, leave them the hell alone. They’re not being “negative,” and don’t need to be assaulted with pseudo-positivity. And you know what? Maybe they are being “negative” because it makes them feel positive, and if that’s the case, remove yourself if it bothers you!

Hey, Anon! That's actually a great question.

It's also totally reasonable to have a hard time telling. When you feel like you might be a little more into the threads than the other mun is, no matter how much they're being respectful and caring, it can still feel a bit...lame. We all want to be a favorite writing partner, even as we know that's impossible, that we can't manage that ourselves. It's not a thing of logic!

I feel like I should probably preface the detailing I'm about to do - this is only my experience. There are always variables in anything dealing with other people, and any time we're already feeling down, it's really easy to see things in a way that might not be the reality.

Alright, then.

Muns who use this as an excuse or justification for what they're doing tend to be the ones that:

are likely to pair the excuse/justification with aggressively vilifying anyone who takes issue with their treatment of them for being too serious about RP/too emotionally invested in anything from friendships to ships/otherwise "not realizing it's just a hobby" - apparently, "hobby" actually means "you're not making a dollar, so, do whatever you want in whatever way you want, so long as it's making you and only you happy and comfortable," who knew?

will lead muns on, either because they're uncomfortable with telling those who are not the favorites that...well, they're not the favorites and they might wish to just drop the threads or because...

they have a bit of a habit of going through favorites/their favorites take frequent breaks or are slower to reply, and it's good to have other muns around for when either situation happens - it's okay if everyone else is bored and/or left out, but not them

become angry and defensive if you ask them about your thread(s) and/or if everything is alright after a reasonable period of inactivity only on your threads*

if they previously had OOC contact and/or a friendship with you, it's one pole or another of OOC behavior with you now - no contact/as little as they can possibly manage or they'll proceed like you also only want to have conversations about what is going on with the favorite(s), the ships, the threads, the fandom, the mun. Before anyone misconstrues this to mean that "so, no matter what they do it's sus lol," no. There is such a thing as neither insulting someone by having nothing else to talk about except the mun/muse/ship you're ignoring them for nor just stopping/avoiding conversation altogether. It's actually not normal or acceptable to treat people like disposable fixations or expect them to be thrilled or lie about it when you can't shut up about their replacement(s)

in general, if this mun just keeps making it apparent that neither you nor anyone else exists unless they're the favored mun? That's really it. That's the difference between having favorites and still treating other muns with respect - there isn't any respect, none of you exist to respect

*I'm not going to speak to what is reasonable to everyone, it's one of those things I think muns should mention to some degree in their rules, but with people taking it to mean things it doesn't, it's doubtful that's going to happen. (I encourage it, though, please, put in your rules when you'll ask about threads or if you'll assume there is no more interest and they've been dropped. "After one month of no reply and no OOC contact, I will either contact you to ask if you're still interested." No big deal!) For me, it would depend on the mun themselves, even if I've got in my rules that after x time, I will assume y. If this is a mun that has updated OOC that they're extra slow right now, and they're usually pretty slow, I'm going to just see that as them prioritizing preferred partners with what little time they have, that's not coming across as rude favoritism to me at that point. If it's a mun that has continued to reply as normal, posted no updates OOC, and they're specifically just replying to one or two favorites with that regular timing, I'm going to ask if they're still interested after a month or so.

The problem always is that, despite what the RPC likes to say for the same damn reason, we're all afraid to be acting on ridiculous suspicion and paranoia. We get treated a certain way, maybe it is once and it was just extremely bad, maybe it has happened over and over again, and we really do start seeing phantoms of ill-treatment. It becomes difficult to trust your own judgment and listen to your inner voice (one that, furthermore, is already at least a bit embattled by life on and offline).

These are only some points to help you trust yourself or disprove yourself if you already feel like there might be this problem going on.

If you have someone who could be impartial when given evidence, you might want to consider asking if they'd mind helping you identify if this is a problem or not. Don't mention mun names or even muses if you're in the same intersections of the RPC, you're not trying to smear anyone here, just get a different viewpoint that isn't touched by any negative or positive feelings about that mun!

I said "evidence," so, I want to be clear that I did not mean screenshots or direct quotes. Give situations, what the mun is and is not doing, as both are important.

Some questions that might help you identify things to present to a third party for help:

Are they replying to any of your threads, how about asks?

If/when they reply to you IC, how do they reply? Is it shorter than it used to be, unenthusiastic? Or is it the same, just fewer and farther between, or less interesting to you than what they're doing with preferred partners?

Are the plots they're doing with the favorite(s) ones that you previously had with them or that you had plotted out and were working toward? And if that answer is yes, are these common plots that can be applied anywhere or specific ones?

Is this all something that is perhaps temporary overexcitement, or has this just kept going on for months, shows no sign of stopping?

Did you speak/were friends OOC? If so, how has this changed? Frequency of messaging, topics of conversation, enthusiasm, interest in you or your muse?

Are you now left out of games on the dash in which you used to be tagged, or unwelcome in things like "dash crack?" Is it, by contrast, that you might be welcome in the latter, but either it doesn't interest you by inclusion/focus of the favorite or because you lack a base of engagement with what's going on?

Do they send you memes, has that changed at all?

The way you feel is valid, but it might also be influencing the way you're viewing a situation, including in how you relate it to someone else for help. So, try to stick to actions when doing so.

By contrast, muns who have favorites but are not using this to justify being disrespectful to others tend to:

be open and upfront about having favorites and why - they're not trying to hide anything, including what makes their favorite writing partners, threads, and ships favorites to begin with

^they are not "open and upfront" by obnoxiously reminding everyone constantly who those favorites are, they're not shit posting how @munthatisntyou is their bestie/their muse is lusting after their muse/actually my wife. They are upfront about it by stating in their rules they can, will, and do have favorites. They're open about it by not lying or acting like it's the worst accusation ever when someone asks them about it

definitely have priority threads, might have an easier, thus faster, time responding to questions/prompts regarding those threads/ships, but still respond with equal interest to memes from others*

the same is true of interest and turnaround time with thread replies, they might get the preferred ones out faster, but they're still replying to everyone and still keeping other muns updated on what's going on*

will not be hostile when approached by fair, politely put concerns about threads, but rather, will respond with honesty as to their interests - whether they have, indeed, changed or haven't alike

they still express the same interest OOC outside of messages, liking and commenting on posts, sending memes, and being concerned or congratulatory when they see OOC posts dealing with life events

in general, muns who just have favorites like everyone does remain aware of others in the same way they always have, still make efforts to respond to threads, memes, messages, etc. with the same interest they always have - they appreciate everyone they interact with, not only their favorite(s)

*Everyone has a different way that works for them, and that influences their meme answering, thread replying, and OOC response turnaround time. A very social mun might respond to OOC messages more frequently, reliably, and with more zeal than a mun who is less socially active, forgetful, or dealing with different difficulties that might prevent doing so, for example. As another example, a mun who writes lengthy, detailed novella that takes a while to finish is going to take longer with everyone than a mun who writes in a way, or just has more time to write, that allows for replies to get out faster. Please, keep expectations and observances mindful of these factors and differences! What is typical of one mun might be perceived as legitimate favoritism when contrasted with a mun who operates differently than them.

That's really the difference, there is recognition and appreciation of everyone. They might have a visibly different friendship with their favorite(s), but it doesn't come with the cost of treating everyone else either like they don't exist or like total shit. And that comes in many ways, as many ways as there are possible interactions in the RPC. From being casual mutuals who do not write together (still acknowledging posts etc.) to outright writing partners (still giving replies with as much effort and quality).

You can think of muns like this as you would people who have different sorts of friendships as opposed to people who have rather cliquey friendships in which it's often enough a clique of two in which everyone else, even if included or otherwise used by those two, only exists out of necessity. The former is a normal social situation, we get on well with the people we do for a reason, and that's perfectly alright. The latter is some immature and self-interested behavior one should have grown out of in junior high.

As you didn't ask for this, I'm putting it under the cut as additional advice for others!

At this point, we all know about “reblog karma” and “reblogging from source.” Though, I say that...and am questioning it. You should fucking know this by now, but in the event you don’t, let me define that shit for you.

Reblog Karma: the RPC’s oldest attempt at keeping people from clogging notifications and using others as meme resources. Essentially, don’t reblog a meme from a mutual unless you are sending them something from that meme first. Not all blogs practice it, or practice it the same way, please see their rules.

Reblogging from Source: another effort to stop being used as a meme/aesthetics resource. Many RPers would like you to reblog quotes, aesthetics, and memes from their source (original post location or the meme/aesthetics/quotes resource blog they got it from), even if you are sending them a meme. This is especially applicable when not interacting with the RPer.

Okay, that’s out of the way.

There is more to Reblog Etiquette than this!

And, when that etiquette is nonexistent, it almost always deals with a RPer’s ship. Mentioning ship partners and/or tagging ships on a reblog from another RPer, not removing that RPer’s mentions or tags, and even dropping a mention or outright RPing in the comments of another RPer’s reblog.

Don’t reblog from another mun and tag your ship or mention (@) your ship partner(s).

Don’t reblog a post with someone else’s mention still stuck to it.

Don’t reblog a post and leave the previous mun’s tags still in the tags.

Don’t go into the comments on someone’s post and mention your ship partner(s).

Don’t roleplay in the comments of someone else’s post.

None of this is alright, I have no idea what would make anyone think this is appropriate reblog etiquette, but it very much is not. It’s incredibly rude and lazy. Because I know that many people have similar ship aesthetics and so on, I’m not saying you shouldn’t reblog something for your own ships that a mutual has for theirs. (That’s a whole other in depth conversation we’ll have later.)

I’m saying that this is how you should be going about it:

Reblog from the source.

-What if there is no source because it’s deactivated, or there is another reason why I can’t access it? 

Go into the post’s notes. At some point, damn near every post that could be used as an aesthetic, quote, or prompt for a ship (and RP in general) has been reblogged by at least one source blog. Look for RP meme, aesthetic, help, and other resource blog urls. If you cannot find one of those, look for urls that are general resource-style blogs. Personal blogs reblog aesthetics etc. as well, and there are many such resource blogs out there. -If you’re uncomfortable reblogging from a personal, that’s tough shit; I hate to break it to you, but most of your resources came from personal blogs. Deal with it, or don’t reblog anything you can’t find filtered through a RP specific resource.

-- “But this takes time/effort lol I just want to use it for my ship.” Again, tough shit. Sometimes, it does take energy not to be rude and do the right the thing. In all honesty, it’s fairly rare that doing the right thing is effortless, even when it’s something as simple as RP. Grow up.

--- You went through the notes, but there’s no appropriate blog to reblog from, now what?

Just because it’s a rare occurrence doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I know this one isn’t, I’ve had it happen too! My choice was to not reblog it at all, I just sent the link to my ship partner privately instead. If you don’t have that kind of friendship, you really wanted it on the dash, or another reason, you are now left with one option, and you’re not going to like it. Message the mutual you want to reblog from. Politely, explain that you’d like to reblog the post for your ship, and ask if they’re comfortable with it. No guilting, begging, or general, weird ass rudeness. If they decline, accept it just as politely, thank them for their response. If they accept, thank them, and especially if this isn’t a mutual you interact with much, be sure you’re showing them continued support on the dash by reading and liking/commenting on their headcanon posts and other appropriate material. (You should be anyway.)

Remove any mentions present (@’s)

Seriously, this is incredibly rude! Yet, with the typical lack of self-reflection and awareness of others in the RPC here, I see it multiple times a day on my dash. Not just with RP-blog-to-RP-blog interaction either, I also see RPers reblogging from personals and leaving their mentions attached. (I see it the other way around too, but I’m not here to school personal blogs.) For all the excessive emphasis RPers put on appearance, you’d think they’d want to get rid of something that looks this sloppy, but no. Not if it takes one extra second of effort!

-I know that xkit’s editable reblogs tends to break whenever tumblr gives us a new, exciting, hideous, insulting, limitation, I mean update, but come the fuck on. It is also one of the quickest things to regain functionality, so, maybe you should save the reblog to drafts, be following xkit’s blog for updates, and edit it once there has been a patch. If it’s worth it to you, it’s worth a short wait. When it’s working, you can easily remove that mention with editable reblogs.

--If you’re going to use being mobile as an excuse, or if you don’t want to wait on it/don’t use xkit, again, go to the source. And, also again, if that isn’t an option, you can find where it has been reblogged by an appropriate blog at some point in its history, sans mentions. Reblog from there.

Do not reblog someone else’s tags (#)

Some people have their xkit set up to reblog automatically with the previous poster’s tags. While that can be useful in some situations, I can think of, very literally, no situation this is appropriate for an RPer to use. If you have this set up on your personal/resource blog/wtfe and your RP blog is a sideblog (or you are using certain methods of having your browser open to two separate blog accounts where your xkit settings are transferring over), it’s up to you to delete the tags on these posts.

-It takes maybe one full second to click in the tag field and hit your delete button a few times to clear it. Do that. It’s never, ever, appropriate to keep someone’s ship, muse, verse, or other personalized tags attached to a reblog.

--If you are a personal blog reading this somehow, maybe you’re wanting to get into RP, please take note of this. This is one of the many reasons why most RPers will not interact with personals. We don’t like you reblogging an aesthetic post and keeping our tags on it.

In the case of both situations, not only is it rude and lazy, it’s fucking with someone else’s tags and privacy. Most RPers don’t want their content showing up in generally searchable tags, it’s one of the reasons that personalizing tags came about. Furthermore, if I’m on my dash and click a mutual’s custom tag for aesthetics, verses, ships, and so on, it’s now going to come up with instances of those tags on someone else’s blog as well.

Delete the fucking tags if they auto-populate. Don’t use someone else’s custom tags of your own volition either.

“Subverting” reblogs to mention in comments is a hard no, too

-So, you don’t want to reblog the post, but do want to @ your ship partner(s) in it? There’s no way to do that without being rude and strange. To be honest, this is even worse than just reblogging and tagging your ship.

I may not be the OP, but you came onto a post on my blog, one very likely tagged for my ships and/or having my ship partners mentioned on it, and commented on it mentioning your ship partner. It’s every bit as offensive and more so than someone reblogging from me and using it for a ship I’m not a part of. I don’t know what’s worse, when that other mun is a ship partner, casual mutual who doesn’t interact, or a writing partner but not ship partner. It’s all deeply fucked up. No one’s RP blog is here for your use like this!

--You’re also not subverting anything. I think the idea is to be polite or go unnoticed. People seem to lack a basic grasp on how tumblr works; you get notifications on reblogged posts you are not the OP of when someone comments on them just like you get a notif when someone likes it. The only way to genuinely be secretive about this would be to comment on it from the source or a resource blog. They will get the notification.

If you are commenting on, liking, or reblogging a post you see on the dash, the person having reblogged it, putting it there for you to encounter, will be notified of your interaction with it.

---What I’m saying, just in case it isn’t abundantly clear, for the third time now: you’re not being slick. Your mutuals will see that you weirdly @’ed someone in a comment on their reblog. They know.

----The appropriate behavior is to do just as advised in the above points: GO TO THE SOURCE. If no source exists, find an appropriate resource blog in the notes. You may then, and only then, give that mention in a comment.

Frankly, it’s still weird, and I would recommend you just reblog it from the source to interact with it. There is always the option of sending it to the intended party by way of tumblr’s messenger or linking the post in an off tumblr messenger like discord.

I say this because it hasn’t escaped my attention that the only time I have this issue on my own RP blog is when the imagery or text is fucking filthy. As in, Other Mun didn’t want something that sexual, kinky, violent, and so on to be posted to their own blog. You need to grow up if that’s your deal. Like writing smut or violence, if you need to do it in private only, you’re obviously not adult enough to handle the topic.

Keep your roleplay where it belongs; in your inbox and threads

-It’s not appropriate to start up RP in the comments of another RPer’s reblogged ship aesthetic. (Or anything else, this just happens to be the most common.) It’s incredibly odd and offensive to look in your notifications and see that a mutual and their ship partner are flirting, or outright fucking, in the comments of a post you reblogged for your ship.

It’s just as awkward feeling and offensive when someone reblogs the post and begins full-blown RP on it. It’s one thing when it’s a post originating from an RP resource blog, or when it’s kept to something like a mention and a short line that your writing partner can start their original post in inspiration of. But...

--You know how I said above that auto-copying tags thing is one of the reasons why RPers are iffy about personal blogs? Well, this is one of the reasons why personal blogs think RPers are exceedingly weird members of fandom that need to be excluded and devalued. It’s odd, especially if you’ve never encountered RP, to see someone reblogging your quote, moodboard, or other original post and RPing on it.

Listen, we all need to RP some crack and commentary sometimes, but it’s best left in the tags or put into a new post.

---Instead of RPing (not sorry, especially if it is smut) on that post, link the image to show in a new post, and go from there.

Please remember to be polite about artists, including photographers and gifers, when you do this! Tumblr automatically gives the source of imagery when you use a link to display the picture, that’s why I recommended doing that instead of saving, then re-uploading the image as though it is your own. If you’re going to do that, even if it’s just silliness going on, give mention of the artist, photographer’s blog/site, or gifer’s blog in the tag or below the image.

Well, Anon, firstly, let me just say that I'm sorry you had to make that choice. Even if it was the best choice you could have made, it still feels kind of terrible. It's annoying when casual acquaintances do that sort of thing, but hurtful when it is a longtime writing partner who had to know of your viewpoints after years of interaction. People have a right to change, even in negative ways, but this isn't changing fandoms or how they approach writing, it's something that has a really vile imperative of bullying. Ignoring someone's boundaries and comfort, especially after knowing them for years, is bad enough, but it's so much worse when the objective of what they're disregarding boundaries for is incredibly likely to invite harassment to that person.

After all, the cult of purity operates on discovering, "calling out," and harassing away "problems." That includes anyone who is opposed to purity culture, it isn't a requirement that you are actually participating in anything "problematic." Simply not following along with it, saying that you are not friendly toward it, or that you will block people for these kinds of posts and things like callouts is enough. You might not be engaging in whatever "freak shit," but you are just as bad for supporting it. When you are writing partners with someone who is engaging in or supportive of purity culture as a mun who is against it, they are, regardless of their intentions, putting you out there for harassment. It's hard when we get to know someone over the course of years that is either that oblivious or uncaring about what they might be leading to our blogs.

As a general rule, I encourage people to speak to each other about problems, even if the resolution is still parting ways. I tend to think that this is the most reasonable thing to do when we've established interaction with someone. It stops muns from wondering what happened without ever getting an answer, allowing them to work on things if that's both applicable and the mun feels like they need or want to.

However, there are some circumstances in which no discussion or warning is the better option, and additionally, sometimes, the situation is too emotionally charged for anything good to come out of it. Yes, you should have said something before unfollowing if you were going to, but I understand why you couldn't. The source of upset on the dash reaches a point where it just has to go away immediately, and I think that point is reached in even harder terms when it involves someone that we thought was better than this, that we thought we could trust. It is also very difficult, far more so than someone who has been around for a week only, to tell longtime partners that we've got to part. Few things said in that conversation are not going to feel hurtful, accusatory, or get you statements about how it came out of nowhere.

All of that without factoring in what this is over. If they have aligned themselves with this viewpoint, you telling them that you have to terminate the partnership for this reason is likely to make things hateful quickly. If you hurt their feelings or offend them, are they going to turn those emotions into projecting "proof" that their new circle is correct? And if that is the case, will it stop at gross accusations privately or will it turn into alerting the callout brigade? A lot of callouts have hurt feelings and ended friendships at their core.

I understand why you needed to just unfollow without speaking to them, and I think this is one of those rare situations in which that might have been the best decision. And for those same reasons, I would be concerned about advising you to contact them now. I truly do not feel that is for the best, the safest thing to do, or that you will get out of it what you're looking for - to express your hurt.

Ask yourself what your ideal outcome here is, and how likely that actually is to happen. Most people do not react well to being unfollowed after such a long time, and if it has been any time at all since you've unfollowed them, they have noticed it and the logical deduction is that you were upset by something they did. If you've ever expressed your feelings about purity culture, they really should be able to make that very short leap to the answer. And they have not contacted you, either, about this - no message to ask if you accidentally unfollowed/do you realize you unfollowed. There could be a lot of reasons for that, ranging from awkwardness to anger to relief, but no matter what it is, you messaging them after the fact to detail your hurt with no interest in refollowing is very likely to be viewed negatively and reacted to as such.

Being hurt by this is valid, the need to tell them about it is valid, but I'm concerned that this is only going to result in an argument and more hurt for you. They either know what they did already or they have all the paint-by-numbers supplies to paint that picture, is it actually worth doing more damage to yourself to be sure they're painting it? Will it actually make you feel any better at all, even if the conversation is an awful one?

There isn't a particularly good resolution here, excluding any found in and of yourself, but with the topic being what it is, I have to say that it is my additional concern that it might get uglier than usual. That ugliness might not stay private, and it is a hallmark of purity culture behavior to create "problematic" statements and sentiments in a screenshot conversation where they don't exist. If you argue with them, is it worth that risk to you? If you don't even argue, but they want to put you on blast for being "a demanding RPer" or "harassing" them, is it worth that risk?

I'm not trying to be negative here or to devalue what you want to do, I'm asking these things genuinely. Only you can assess the risk and reward in this situation properly, I just want to be sure you are making that assessment because you seem like a very nice, genuine person, Anon. It is incredibly unfair, but that is exactly who tends to look at situations in the context of what they'd never do to someone else, and as such, to be royally screwed by the other party who has no such qualms. Especially when that other party is someone they once thought they knew. We'd all like to think that even former friends wouldn't do something malicious to us, but the unfortunate reality is that, once any perceived action of hostility is on the table, that is no longer the case.

For me, it wouldn't be worth it. I'd have to feel like this person couldn't care very much about hurting me if they were alright with what they've been doing, therefore, anything I said to that end might as well be spoken to the wall. I would not expect genuine remorse or kindness from them, while feeling it was too high a risk of them deciding to test out those new purity culture legs. If they contacted me, I would be truthful about my reason for unfollowing, but otherwise, I'd let it alone while finding ways to make myself less hurt. Maybe doubling down on the positive interactions with mutuals I have, taking a short break to work on something else I feel good about, that kind of thing. Things that remind you that other people do value you enough to not do hurtful things obliviously or intentionally, and that you are one of those people. It really helps with a commitment to not unintentionally be hurtful to yourself by going through with actions like confronting someone who is likely to hurt you again.

But I am not you! And I understand the need to validate your feelings, and in a way, vindicate them, by making this person aware. I really, really do! If the possible pitfalls of doing so are worth it to you? Then that is what you should do. Just remember, if you do, that this person's opinion of you is neither inherently accurate nor does it matter. Nothing they say is the end of the world. And you should stick to your intention to not re-follow - you made that decision for a good reason, and if they feel pressured or guilty enough, they might say that they won't do that anymore, they just didn't realize, etc. but not visibly supporting it anymore around you doesn't mean not supporting it.