#multipassionate

there is not a single blog on here run by a person who declares themselves as that that i like. they’re all hyper political and there’s just… nothing about them that i find appealing. it reminds me of twitter before alex entered my windshield, where i often felt like i was being yelled at and to the point i felt like my words didn’t matter. or facebook in the last week or so before i went dark back in 2016, where it just became a barrage of popularity posts and the aforementioned politics on steroids, posts that tell you everything without really saying anything and leave you feeling empty and drained rather than empowered—people who called themselves friends but wanted absolutely nothing to do with you. where’s the culture and the rambling thoughts? the vast array of interests and ideas and shit? what are you supposed to get attached to?

i want to believe that i’m not alone here, not… expose myself to the thing that gave me so much of a headache that i went offline for nearly two years.

i’m a “simultaneous” one (i.e., i do multiple things at once because i just do). also, thanks, i hate it.

reading this with like the blankest look on my face.

nothing i haven’t seen before, and not sure what i was expecting, either. maybe different terminology or something?

no. it’s hell. it is absolute hell. it’s the worst quality about me, right next to my sexuality.

“stand out and shine”? bro, i left engineering school for an art degree and got all the weird looks in the world when i said that, and more so when i said i’m both left- and right-brained. i can’t get a job and the island is getting smaller every day, it feels like. i taught myself how to bake two years ago, and won two blue ribbons for it, and interviewers are like, “yeah? and what about it?” i teach myself things because i’m not sure if it’s school that’s useless or i’m just really an idiot. what you call “shining”, i call pathetic.

when i learned about this word this past summer, it clicked, sure… but then internally, I just went, “oh, god. oh. no.” it was just like when i began auditing my sexuality back in 2019: i just went, “oh, fuck me, no, no, what have i done. that’s it. i’m done. i’m dead. i’m going to the chair and there’s no way out…” like i just opened the ark of the covenant or something.