#mtxt

guys i almost crashed all the way out this morning bc i missed my bus TWICE but then I called my neighbor and she drove meeee and i cried in her carrrr and she was the sweetest most understanding everrrr and i love her and i went to work and did good work and unnnn really dreaded my meeting but my meeting went well and she likes me too i just hate myself LOL and want to be BETTER!!! i also asked my advisor to meet me mon or tues and he willllll which like… yay! <3 i have other work to do between now and then n need to read his new paper but… im looking forward and recovered my mood even without eating… so now i am going to get a sandwich n shmoke

The problem is that I did like The Terror the book so so much I would like to see fanwork for it but I absolutely do not want to see fanwork for the show.

i’ll be frank- i lost contact with my old boss a few years ago and am devastated by it. he was a mentor he was a friend he was a father he was a brother he was one of the deepest loves of my life- and he is, he is still and will be. i think about him often but for a while now not with true presence, because my grief is hot to the touch and i can’t get burned. he was always there if i got burned. now i can’t find him outside of memory. and if i had a time machine one of the first places i would go back to is the parking lot behind our job in 2018, where we would share a cigarette or three on the bench like we always did. we would embark in existential exploration like we always did. we would laugh and learn, like we always did. i want more than anything to look into his eyes and know he’s the same person. i want to feel his hug, the one that was always a little too tight, but tight in the way it made me feel like he was giving me a bit of his life-force through his fingertips each time he squeezed my shoulders and reminded me of how we are all parts of the whole, reminded me who i am. when we hugged, whether we were touching or not, i always knew exactly who i am. we worked together like the love between us was ancient, and it was. it still is. but i miss him and i want to know what he thinks about all of the new questions i’ve uncovered since we last spoke. i want to speak again. i have no idea how to find him. i don’t even know what country he might be in, maybe sudan, probably the uae. maybe somewhere else. i have no idea if he is alive to be honest, and if he is im mad he hasn’t called me. he could find me. i know he could find me. i trust all the times he said he loves me forever. love in the way bell hooks ment it. love in the way the only wrong to be done is ever not loving. i love him. and i miss him. but i don’t want to miss him, because i don’t want him to feel unreachable.

woke up with very ~activated!- anxiety! :^(

take my medicine do my work eat my vegetables get my sleep lift my weight

thinking about my childhood neighbor johnathan’s mom, anna, and how she would walk around the block for hours and hours every day. her husband/his dad was abusive. he drove a teal station wagon. she was the nicest lady and couldn’t drive. she’d walk around, just her hands behind her back. a leisurely, maybe lonely pace. i wonder if she is still alive. we would always wave at eachother and she would always invite us over when their dog (mimi) had puppies. she was a maltese or mini bischon or something like that and the puppies were always sooooo teenytiny omg- just like coco, the little american girl doll dog. some of our neighbors would pay her for yard work. i remember pulling weeds for her and wondering at being in once-hidden backyards.