#mtgbfz

PRESENT DAY ZENDIKAR

(We open on Kytheon Iora, now a man, fighting a number of Eldrazi spawn. In the background, a group of Kor, Humans, Elves, and Goblins watch patiently.)

Munda, a large, muscular Kor: (Quietly, to the others in his group) ...Here we see a wild Gideon Jura, latin name Kytheon Iora, taking down its prey. Though the beasts are larger and more powerful than he, his glowing golden aura protects him from all known forms of attack. His Sural, also known as an Urumi or Whip-Blade, can cut through the flesh of even the toughest of Eldrazi, though it may take many such blows to cause one to fall. Though Eldrazi meat is inedible, this kill with give the Gideon great renown. If the hunt is successful, he will not have difficulty finding a mate this season.

Kytheon, now going by Gideon full time: (Calling over) I know you’re there, Munda! Are you going to lend a hand or not?

Munda: You’re doing fine, bro! They can’t even scratch you!

Gideon: I’d still like to finish up sometime today!

Munda: Fine, fine! Everyone, attack!

(Munda and his party help Gideon dispatch the Eldrazi.)

Gideon: Really wished you’d shown up earlier. I’ve been fighting those things for hours. Literally hours.

Munda: Sorry, bro, but we just came from our own fights. Bala Ged’s overrun. Gone the way of Sejiri. Everyone’s running to Sea Gate, but who knows if we can hold that.

Gideon: Sea Gate… Right… I’ll meet you there. Right now I need to… go place.

Munda: You need to sleep. Maybe have something to eat. You look exhausted.

Gideon: Can’t. Gotta be at work in an hour.

Munda: What work? We’re in an apocalyptic situation and all society in that general direction has collapsed.

Gideon: Well, the thing about that is THERE’S A BALOTH BEHIND YOU!

Munda: Wha-

(Gideon planeswalks away.)

Art by Richard Wright

THE MILLENNIAL RAVNICA

(Gideon bursts into the Millennial, one of the finest, most expensive restaurants in the entire city-plane of Ravnica. He’s still covered in dirt and Eldrazi ichor.)

Maitre’d: Sir, you can’t just-

Gideon: (Flashes a badge) Official Boros business, stand aside, civilian.

(Gideon marches up to a table full of finely dressed goblins)

Krenko, the devilishly handsome goblin leader in a homemade crown: Can I help you, officer?

Gideon: You’re under arrest for arson and six counts of murder… And that’s just today.

Krenko: Sorry, officer, but this crown means I don’t have to listen to you.

Gideon: And why is that?

Krenko: Because it’s made of knives.

Gideon: (Sigh)

Art by Richard Wright

A BOROS GARRISON RAVNICA

Dars, a real, actual Boros Soldier: Great work as always, Jura!

Gideon: (heavy breathing) Thanks. I try.

Krenko, in cuffs, covered in blood: Seemed a bit unprofessional if you ask me.

Dars: We don’t. You’re going straight into lockup… After medical care, of course.

Gideon: He’s fine… The blood’s mine.

Dars: Aren’t you invincible?

Gideon: I’d thought so...

Dars: Then how…

Gideon: Krenko must’ve been tougher than the other criminals I’ve fought… and the Eldrazi… and that vampire… and the pyromancer… and the titan… and Erebos, God of the Dead.

Dars: He must be as powerful as he is handsome.

Gideon: He is very handsome.

Real, actual photograph by Empire State Photography Also Karl Kopinski  and Winona Nelson

(STRANGE OBJECT THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW!)

Dars: IT’S A BOMB!

Gideon: It’s a letter.

Dars: A letter bomb?

Gideon: It’s from Rikkig and Gardagig, two of the Shattergang goblins. They want us to hand over Krenko for murdering their brother, or… then the bomb.

Dars: Why do these goblins insist on killing each other?

Krenko: Well, when we kill non-goblins, your pink asses call us racist.

Gideon: ...I’ll go deal with them. As soon as I run some errands first.

Art by Vincent Proce

ZENDIKAR

(Gideon fights some Eldrazi on Zendikar. Munda’s there, too. And a random sorceress who shoots lightning bolts.)

Munda: Hey, Gideon, buddy, pal, bro… Remember when I said everyone was running to Sea Gate?

Gideon: Yes…

Munda: Turns out that includes the Eldrazi.

Gideon: Well, slith. On my way. After goblins.

Art by Michael Komarck

RAVNICA

(Gideon busts down the door to a warehouse)

Gideon: It’s over, Rikkig! I already captured your brother offscreen!

Rikkig’s voice, from somewhere inside the building: Didn’t bring Krenko, huh? And here I was going to exchange my hostages for yours.

(Light goes on in back, revealing a group of old women, children, and kittens tied up.)

Gideon: I can’t just hand over a prisoner! He’s been lawfully arrested, just like you’ll be!

(Rikkig steps out, wearing twelve layers of padding, a helmet, and goggles)

Rikkig: Well, if you don’t have a Krenko for me, I still have something for you.

(Rikkig throws a bomb)

(Things explode)

(Rikkig is padded. Gideon is indestructible. The hostages scream. The building begins burning and collapsing.)

Gideon: Damn damn damn!

(Gideon rushes to save the hostages. There’s a lot of them. He can only carry a few at a time. The building continues to burn.)

Dars: NEVER FEAR! THE BOROS LEGION IS HERE!

(Boros rush the building, rescue hostages, put out the fire. Rikkig escapes.)

Gideon: How did you get here so fast?

Dars: Followed you. You seemed like you were biting off a bit more than you can chew.

Gideon: I can handle it myself:

Dars: No. No, you can’t. We’re a Legion. We use tactics and teamwork so screw ups like this don’t happen. We’re going to go send a bunch of guys to catch that one goblin, and you’re going to sleep.

Gideon: But if I do that, who’s going to fight the giant monsters?

Dars: What?

Gideon: Bye.  (Gideon planeswalks away.)

Art by Nic Klein

Art by Igor Kieryluk

SEA GATE, A BIG DAM CITY ZENDIKAR

(ALL THE ELDRAZI ATTACK THE CITY! Hundreds of Eldrazi. Thousands of Eldrazi. Millions and billions and… okay, maybe not that many.  In the center: Gideon, indestructible and kicking ass.)

Gideon: I don’t care how many of you I have to kill! I can do this all day! I haven’t slept in a week and I’m not about to start now!

Jori En, a mermaid who is evenly distributed human and fish: HELP! HELP!

(Gideon bursts into a burning building, scoops up the mermaid, and runs off as it collapses behind them)

Gideon: Why didn’t you evacuate with the others?

Jori En: My friend Kendrin and I were checking for records about the Hedrons! She almost figured out what they do and how they’re supposed to stop the Eldrazi!

Gideon: That’s wonderful! Where is she?

Jori En: Uhh… In that building.

Gideon: Oh.

Jori En: Yeah…

Gideon: So…

Jori En: But I have all her notes! Unfortunately, she was a complete nerd and I don’t understand any of them.

Gideon: …. Go. Run. Get to safety. I’ll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Jori En: You have a plan?

Gideon: I have a nerd.

Art by Adam Paquette

JACE’S SANCTUM RAVNICA

(We cut to Jace Beleren, a blue cloak with a wizard inside it. With him is Lavinia, his assistant and bodyguard.)

Lavinia: That was your last meeting for today. Time to have a healthy dinner, and then get to bed early.

Jace Beleren: Or I’ll fill myself with coffee and stay up until three in the morning solving Sudoku. Sudokus? Sudoki.

Lavinia: You’re going to be grouchy all day tomorrow if you do that.

Jace: You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my mom. I think. I honestly don’t remember.

Lavinia: I distinctly remember not being your mother.

Jace: Then I’ll see you at work first thing in the morning!

Lavinia: ...Of course. Goodnight, Jace. (Lavinia heads off)

(Jace starts to fetch his coffee when… there’s a knock on the bookshelf)

Jace: WHO IS- … wait. Who even knows about my secret passage? (Jace magically opens the bookshelf from a distance, preparing for trouble)

Liliana Vess, hasn’t aged a day in years: Jace! Snookums! (Walks right in.)

Jace: No.

Liliana: How are you, dear! I’ve missed you! You never showed for our last date!

Jace: That’s probably because you tried to kill me.

Liliana: Oh, pish posh. That was on Nicol Bolas’ orders. I’m freelance now.

Jace: You killed my best friend.

Liliana: And I killed my brother. This isn’t a competition, you know.

Jace: What do you want?

Liliana: I missed you! Can’t a girl visit her lover without getting the third degree?

Jace: (incredulous) You came all the way to Ravnica, presumably went to a lot of effort to find my secret passage, and showed up here unannounced because you missed me?

Liliana: I thought we could catch up. Spend some time together. Talk about our feelings.

Jace: You’re a murderer and a liar, and that’s not even bringing up that you managed to turn Garruk into some sort of superpowered psychopath hunting ‘the most dangerous game’ from plane to plane.

Liliana: Yeah, that was fun.

Jace: Go away.

Liliana: Take me to dinner.

Jace: ...You’re not leaving if I don’t play along, are you?

Liliana: I am not.

Jace: Fine.

Art by Dave Kendall

(Jace and Liliana start walking down the street)

Little Old Lady: Sir! Buy a flower for your girlfriend?

Jace: She’s not my girlfriend! She’s some sort of insufferable hell-witch who refuses to leave me alone for arcane purposes she won’t tell me about.

Little Old Lady: Oh, of course! Buy a flower for your wife?

Jace: Grrrrrrrrrr…..

THE MILLENNIAL RAVNICA

Maitre’d: Please forgive the mess, Sir Guildpact. We had an incident the other day… Of course, we’ll make sure it doesn’t inconvenience you.  (He shows Jace and Liliana to a table)

Jace: It’s fine, it’s fine. Just… It’s fine.

Liliana: That Guildpact title is useful. How is it being grand high king of Ravnica?

Jace: I’m not the King. I’m just a grand high Judge. I uphold the law. I don’t create it.

Liliana: Well, that sounds positively boring. You should become king. I’m sure you could pull it off.

Jace: I really don’t want to be king… And speaking of what I want, what do you want?

Liliana: The lobster looks positively-

Jace: I meant with me. Why are you making me take you out to dinner?

Liliana: Because I wanted to see you. Why would you think there was anything else? Do you think I can’t handle my demons on my own?

Jace: They are four particularly large-

Liliana: Two. I already killed Kothophed and Griselbrand. With the Chain Veil. It’s a wonderful artifact that grants ultimate power that is working out great for everybody involved.

Jace: Uh...huh.

Liliana: It certainly doesn’t have some sort of magical hooks in me that I need help understanding.

Jace: Of course not.

Liliana: And I’ll be perfectly fine studying it on my own.

Jace: Great.

Liliana: I can handle this.

Jace: Good to know. So you just want to sit with me and eat dinner?

Liliana: Yes.

Jace: And nothing else?

Liliana: Why? What are you implying.

Maitre’d: (at the entrance) SIR! NO! NOT AGAIN!

Jace: Hmm?

Art by David Rapoza

Gideon Jura, covered in Eldrazi goop: Need to see the Guildpact.

Maitre’d: Sir, you are covered in I don’t know what! We can’t afford another-

Gideon: Zendikar! It’s about Zendikar!

Jace: (softly) Damn it. (loudly) Send him in!

Maitre’d: Oh, all right…

Gideon: (staggers in) Beleren. Zendikar.

Jace: I’m sort of in the middle of something right now. What do you want?

Liliana: Right, he’s on a date! Go away!

Gideon: (Deep breath) Zendikar is being overrun by the Eldrazi, and we have notes on how the Hedrons might be able to stop them, but I need help from someone with skills I don’t have. Will you please help me?

Jace: … Say that last part again?

Gideon: ...Will you please help me?

Jace: You know what? Sure!

Gideon: Great, we can leave right-

Jace: In the morning. I need to have a healthy dinner and get to bed on time or I’ll be grouchy all day, and you need to get to a healer and rest as well. That’s the offer, take it or leave it.

Gideon: I… alright. Thank you.

Liliana: What the falkenrath, Jace? Here I come, all the way from Innistrad, with my magical artifact and two demons left to kill, and you’re willing to just run off with this oversized slab of beef with barely any explanation?

Jace: Is that a problem?

Liliana: Of course it’s a problem! You were supposed to come and help me!

Jace: Really? Huh. You should’ve said something.

Battle For Zendikar

Nissa and Gideon toil on Zendikar. Ulamog is loose and really bringing everyone’s grand Hedrons and Felidars game night down. Scion and Spawn scuttle around, and the very color is draining out of the mana. Gideon hits his main man Jace up for a solid to gather some help, which Jace initailly fails to do, asking LIliana and Chandra, who for diverse reasons have bigger personal demons they are wrestling with. So Jace, heads back to Gideon, and decides what he needs most is information. Nissa is looking for Ashaya, as Nissa did for several stories in a row. Turns out Nissa just had to believe. But Jace stumbles upon Ugin, doing vague and portentous spirit dragon things, as spirit dragons do, at his Eye. He tells Jace “These are beings beyond our understanding, here for a purpose we cannot fathom’ and then proceeds to give a very understandable metaphor about fishermen in streams. But he tells Jace that they can’t just blow up Ulamog. It will have untold ramifications now and in whatever distopian future we can bring ourselves to imagine.  (Side note... what were the ramifications of metaphorically driving a stake through the hand of the fisherman for 10,000 years? Riddle me that, Ugin dear.)

So Jace knows the stakes Ulamog is a fragile and precious part of an ecosystem beyond our ken. So he agrees that perhaps just pinning him to a butterfly display is the best course of action. Jace, Nissa, Kiora, Gideon and Ob Nixilis respectively fail, fail, lose their pet leviathan, drown in a puddle, and successfully disrupt this plan using the tried and true ‘Surprise Kozilek with a chair from the top rope’ method. Ob reignited, Walked on, walked back and captured three planeswalkers. And he would have gotten away with it to, if it wasn’t for that meddling pyromancer.

Oath of the Gatewatch

What Gate do the Gatewatch watch, exactly?

Sea-gate. The Gatewatch are watching the Sea Gate fall, to Ulamog, then to Ulamog again, then to Kozilek and Ulamog.

Now a lot of nifty stuff happens in OGW, not least of which is the insight we get through General Tazri of what a world where Kozilek out-watches the gate looks like. And in the end, Zendikar is saved from the predation of the two titans. But Jace and co had to physically drag multi-demensional beings into three dimentional space, then channelXfireball in a way that hadn’t been done since the days of the oldwalkers. Impressive, no?

Imagine you go to the doctor and you find out you have a blood disease that delicate surgery could halt the ravages of. Now imagine that, while you were under anesthesia, , your doctor slipped up and the cancer was about to kill you before the Dr. House stormed in and told the surgery team to flush your entire body with pure oxygen, then light it on fire, flash burning away all the bad stuff. Your life is, indeed saved. Phew. I was worried there for a minute.

But would you call that a successful surgery?

Shadows over Innsmouth Innistrad

We have ourselves a good old fashioned mystery here. With Ugin’s warning ringing in our ear to remember they came as three, all apparently we had to figure out was who that mysterious ‘They’ were, that Ugin referred to in the middle of a conversation about the Eldrazi Titans. The stage is set. Liliana has a veil, Tamiyo has a Journal, Thraben has an inspector, and Jace has too many cloaks. Also, too many clues. Avacyn is going crazy. Bruna and Gisela start doing their Shining Twins cosplay, despite Sigarda telling them repeatedly that it creeps her out, and The Gitrog Monster is a fan of 1990s Elton John . 

But who is this mysterious corrupting force, and seriously, what’s with all the spaghetti. Sorin’s mansion of foreboding has been renovated, but he’s nowhere to be found! Jace follows the hundred of arrow shaped rocks and finds Nephalia! Zombies! Mystery is solved, it must be Liliana! Liiiana says no. oh. The angels are turning on the humans, Avacyn must be stopped! Jace has GOT this one, guys.... nope. Jace is rescued by Tamiyo, and Sorin permanently grounds his daughter who in no way resembles his former protege. Well, Another successful investigation.Except it’s not. Jace, you don’t know what it is at all right now, in fact you don’t find out until...

Eldritch Moon

...until Emrakul emerges from the water, like a tribute to all those bond girls before you. “I know who it is now!” says Jace, thinking he’s Hercule Poirot, but is in fact barely keeping up with Captain Hastings. So here we are, Eldritch horror setting up residence in the middle of Thraben, and creating life like there’s no tomorrow, which might just well be the case. If only there was an inter-dimensional team of powerful mages, who had some dealings with.... oh my it’s the Gatewatch. We need the Gatewatch, don’t we. Well, they got together just in time, didn’t they. Innistrad, is today your lucky day. Jace 'walks to Zendikar, where presumably the Naya walkers are ‘overseeing’ the Zendikar rebuilding efforts from the comfort of a king-sized bed built for three. Come fastest, Jace cries, What’s with your outfit, they reply, Then off they go. (meanwhile Sorin and Nahiri two oldwalkers that are battling with current generation powers, must feel like two former boxing champions having a punch-on in their retirement home. But that’s not really germane to the success or failure of the Gatewatch.) Smash cut to the Battle of Thraben. Olivia and the vampires are here. Sigarda, Thalia, St Traft, form an unlikely alliance, killing Brisela. Also Arlinn Cord and the wolves. Surely they are around here somewhere during this battle? Maybe they just were on the other side of town. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Liliana is drunk on Chain Veil power and summons zombies by the hordeful and marches on the town. The Gatewatch are in the thick of it, somehow managing not to get sural’d to pieces every time Gideon has a backswing. Emrakul’s massive form crowns the town. The vampires, humans, geists, even Rem Karolus’s are driven back. Only Jace and the Gatewatch can help us now. They try their most successful Eldrazi Titan-defeating play in the playbook, aaand... it fails. It fails so badly that Tamiyo is about to read her plane-destroying story spell. But Emrakul and Jace had a mutual Zach-Morris ‘Time-out’ and Jace saved the sanity of the gatewatchers and Tamiyo (by delving into their deepest, darkest story hooks, apparently) and Emmy simply re-wrote Tamiyo’s story, taking a vacation into the moon for the now.

Was that a win? What aims were achieved? Again the ‘plane was saved’, but despite all the effort that Jace and co. put in, the final call was Emrakuls. And i doubt she locked herself in without taking the key with her.

So, Zendikar is safe. But the ecosystem of the Multiverse may be irreparably altered; innistrad has gone from passively being influenced by Emrakul to ACTIVELY being influenced by Emrakul to being passively influenced by Emrakul again. Great job guys and gals. Which leaves us with...

Kaladesh

You know, I wonder exactly how many mage traps Captain Baral has around the city, Whether they are one-countermagic-fits-all, or if he has to lead the fire mages to different ornately engineered snares than the telepaths. Also, Can you planeswalk to the plane that you’re on? If you can, neither Nissa or Chandra know of it. And I have to say, I guess that in the Kaladesh block, ultimately the Gatewatch succeeded. Succeeded in picking the queen in Three Card Monte while street hustler Tezzeret picked their metaphorical pocket. Yes, they saved Pia. But Tezzeret simply used the conflict between the Consulate of benign-if-overly-paternalistic-bureaucrats and the revolution-if-that’s-alright-with-the-rest-of-you guys renegades to snatch up the inventions and Stockholm Syndrome the inventors.

Aether Revolt

So while Chandra is focused on the personal issues, and their ramifications vis-a-vis the cancer within the consulate, Jace and Liliana, with backing vocals from Gideon and Ajani, identify Tezzeret’s plans with, well with anything Tezzeret plans is going to be bad news. Especially when they find out about the planar portal. So they defeat him! I mean, do they? He puts something suspiciously like the functioning part of the portal into his own arm and then planeswalks away as the roof caves in. The Bridge on Kaladesh is no longer functional. But we find out that Tezzeret is doing something (planar portal or othewise) for Bolas. And the Scooby Gang have no idea what that, in fact is, or if he completed it, or anything.

Going Forward