#moon loves

She climbed under her covers and left the bedroom light on to scare away dreams of Goryeo. She worried for a long time whether she should call Jin Woo back, and what answer to give him, before sleep finally found her.

She was tormented by half-wakeful dreams. Rather than Goryeo, she dreamed about a new love, a wedding, and a child in the present. She didn’t remember the past because she’d never been there. She didn’t remember the 4th Prince or her little Byul. She had never lived in Hae Soo’s body. This stranger child was her first. Her newly minted daughter ran ahead of her down the path, and though she tried, she couldn’t seem to remember the little girl’s face when she turned her back. A husband with empty eyes was beside her. She’d never known him in a different body or in a different time. She didn’t even know him now. In her dream, Ha Jin thought of how happy she was. To be happy was to be free of pain. Happiness was like this, hollow and numb.

She opened her eyes to the disorienting mixture of light from her bedroom lamp and the pink hue of dawn. Her clock said she’s been asleep for several hours, but she felt as though her dream could have taken place between beats of her heart. Her anxiety had not dissipated, neither did she feel rested.

She relived her dream in the shower, thinking about it and what it could mean. It seemed like an unsettling glimpse of what might have been. One possible fate for the version of Ha Jin who had never recovered her memories. She shivered even as the hot water streamed over her body.

It was still too early for the sake of politeness, but she made a call to Professor Choi anyway. He answered on the second ring. 

“Have trouble sleeping as well?” 

“Early riser. Need to talk?” 

“I could use a little company.” 

“I’ll put the kettle on.”

Ji Mong was slowly becoming like an uncle to Ha Jin, or a much older brother. Though sometimes talking to him felt more like going to therapy, often times that was exactly what she needed. He knew when to remain silent and when to offer an opinion. The advice he gave was always thoughtful and politic. She supposed it came of being the trusted advisor to a series of ambitious, despotic rulers. In comparison to wrangling the Wang boys, parsing Ha Jin’s love life was probably a cake walk.

When she arrived at the Professor’s house he was at the door waiting to welcome her. As promised, a cup of tea was steaming invitingly on the kitchen table. They sat together quietly while she enjoyed hers. He must have known something was wrong, but he wouldn’t ask her first.

“Sorry for intruding on your morning.” She said.

“Don’t be. I need the occasional intrusion.”

 “You must feel very solitary here.”

“It’s quiet, isn’t it?”

“It feels like a library. Like I should be whispering. It probably feels even bigger because it’s empty.”

“Far too big for a middle-aged bachelor like me.” He said, grinning. Ji Mong’s expression revealed nothing, but Ha Jin felt something was hiding beneath it. “But I’m so set in my ways. I don’t think I could ever bring myself to sell it. When you stay in one place long enough, it starts to resemble you in some small way. You become a part of its history. Maybe you’re too young to know what I mean.”

“No, I think I get it.”

Without telling anyone about it, Ha Jin had started searching for traces of herself in history. She was becoming quite the Goryeo buff in her spare time. She read about King Taejo and his sons. She compared the books and archeological records to her own memories, noting the places where her own experiences contradicted the experts. She studied Gwangjong’s rule, his policies, his progeny and his death. Even as it ached, that comforted her somewhat. She couldn’t find what she was looking for, though. Not Lady Hae Soo, not her little Byul. Did that mean Jung had kept his promise? Perhaps it was just too long ago. Whatever it was she’d hoped to discover, she couldn’t find it. All she found was the same sad story repeating itself.

Finally, giving voice to her troubles she said, “I’m afraid of my own history repeating. When I was in the Damiwon, I spent so much time worrying about the future, fighting against it, and finally…succumbing to it. I don’t know if I could ever give myself over fully to another person, knowing it was already doomed from the start. Not again. Age and experience makes you wiser, it also makes you cautious. Cowardly.”

Ji Mong was smiling at her in his knowing way. “You talk like someone twice your age.”

“I feel twice my age.”

“Easy to do, I suppose. With two different lifetimes locked in your head.” He said, “Back then…especially when I was a young man it was maddening. Always knowing what was coming around the corner, never being able to tell anyone, watching history unfold helplessly. Once, when I didn’t think I could stand it anymore I tried to run away.”

“You did?”

“Yes, I tried to take the Crown Prince with me. I told him we should take our horses and just start riding in any direction. Didn’t matter where so long as it was far enough that no one would ever find us, somewhere we could start a new life under new names. You know what he told me? It’s not important how long you live, all that matters is the people you have by your side.”

“And that’s why you decided to stay? Even knowing what would happen?”

“That was when I realized I wanted to be one of the people by his side, yes.”

She couldn’t keep herself from wondering what kind of life Ji Mong led, apart from her. Longing for someone he couldn’t reach. Always searching in the faces of strangers for that familiar expression. Always hoping against hope that this would be the life where he would meet his lover again. How easy it must have been to lose that hope, to grow bitter. She wondered how he could bear it.

“You must think me miserably selfish. Living this way.”

Ji Mong shrugged and said, “I think selfishness is a defense mechanism you’ve had to develop to survive.”

“That’s not a no.”

“You don’t owe anything to anyone, my dear. Not to Jin Woo-sshi, least of all to me. Why shouldn’t you live freely and seek after your own peace of mind? You gave up everything the heavens asked of you and more. You spent your life in Goryeo trying to escape the palace walls, and even when he let you go you weren’t free. You’ve given up enough; you’re allowed to be happy now.”

Ha Jin wasn’t sure if she had escaped the shadow of the palace even now. In some moments it felt so distant it might have been a dream, but in others it was as though she was there even now, huddled in her little room in the Damiwon, waiting for the fear to recede.

“I’m free now, so why do I feel like I can’t take a single step forward or back? I’ve fallen into the same trap I was in before.”

“Not all scars are visible to the eye. I’ll never forget the way your expression shattered the day I had to tell you, you weren’t meant to be Gwangjong’s queen. I still think about it often. Of all the things I ever did to preserve history…Oh, I did many things I regret, but that memory still visits me on sleepless nights.”

“You were just doing what you thought was best. It’s not like either of us had a choice. Not really.”

“That doesn’t excuse it though. Forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive.”

They sat in silence for a moment, as though both of them were trapped in thoughts too heavy to share. But before too long Ji Mong spoke again, “I guess what I’m saying is sometimes when we’re badly hurt we feel stuck like that. We build up this tight scar tissue around our hearts, and start to think that because we lost everything once we will, by necessity lose it again. And giving up the things we’re afraid to lose becomes a habit, just as harmful as those things that hurt us in the first place.”

“You think I’ve gotten into the habit of giving up?”

She remembered something the 4th prince had told her, about his boat and the lake, his favorite place at the palace and the only place where he felt truly peaceful. He’d forced himself to stay away and not visit the lake too often, because if he did he wouldn’t want to leave. If he allowed himself to grow too attached to something that made him happy, the separation would be even more difficult.

Had Jin Woo become her boat on the lake? Her hiding place? She was so afraid of liking him too much, because she though she would eventually have to give him up.

Upon Ji Mong’s invitation she spent the day in his garden and in his library, reading his books and drinking endless cups of his tea. She never specifically mentioned the event that had incited her to call him, disheveled and distractible, for the familiar balm of his company, and yet she felt she had already heard everything she’d needed to. It was a relief to spend the better part of her day in her oasis and pretend that the outside world didn’t exist. Ji Mong didn’t require her to be social if she didn’t want to, he just seemed to like having another life form in his big empty house.

She headed out in the afternoon, feeling clearheaded and full-hearted. She looked at her phone for the first time in several house and was surprised to find that the only messages she had were one from her mother—just some motherly fretting—and another from a coworker asking if she could cover a shift later in the week. Jin Woo hadn’t texted or called, and she felt a sudden flutter of anxiety pass through her as she stared at the screen for a solid minute, trying to think of how she could begin.

Eventually she put the phone away without sending anything.

Later. She thought. In person. It’s too easy to dissemble when you can’t look into someone’s eyes.

She had to go back home to do her hair and refresh her make up. She spent a solid hour picking out what she would wear. She was never this fussy getting ready to see Jin Woo. For some reason she really wanted to look her best when she saw him, even though her head was completely empty of what she was going to say when she did. She chose a brighter shade of red for her lips, a dress that hugged her figure, and then looking in the mirror was suddenly embarrassed and nearly gave up the whole enterprise.

She forcibly dragged herself through the door and down to the bus stop. She stopped at a shop first and bought a bottle of wine, not the cheap one she usually went for. She still hadn’t told Jin Woo she was coming. She knew the door code for his place and it wasn’t unusual for her to let herself in these days.

When she opened the door to his apartment she didn’t immediately see him, but she heard a sound from the direction of his bedroom. She wandered into the kitchen. She noticed the state of disorder. Plates and glasses that never saw use had been brought those down from the highest shelves and stacked here and there across the counter.

Hearing footsteps behind she started to say, turning, “I’m sorry I didn’t call—” at the same time that person said, “Hyung, I still can’t find the good silverware—”

She jumped. It wasn’t Jin Woo. But neither was it a stranger.

He said, “Oh.” Stopping short.

Ha Jin felt her mouth fall open. Of the litany of things she had been preparing for when she arrived, this face wasn’t one of them. The face of her dear friend she never thought to see again. Baek Ah.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were Jin Woo.”

“No, uh, it’s my fault. I came in without knocking.”

The two stood for a moment, him looking past her, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. She was conscious of her fixed stare. The young man didn’t know her, clearly, they had never met. But for the moment she couldn’t seem to tear her eyes away, afraid that she would begin to cry. Knowing that she would be unable to explain.

Finally he put his hand out to her and said, “You must be Ha Jin-sshi. I’ve heard so much about you.”

This is Min Ki. Of course, he would be Jin Woo’s best friend. Her hand was trembling as she took his. A lump rose in her throat as she tried to control her reaction, only partially succeeding she said, “It’s so good to see you…I mean meet you. At last.” She felt her eyes were welling and she finally glanced away, “Jin Woo is so fond of you, I feel as though we’re friends already.”

“Where is he?” She asked when she’d taken a few deep breaths.

“He was going to the corner store for some ingredients. Dinner won’t be read for a couple hours yet.”

“Dinner?”

“His mother and sister are coming into Seoul a week earlier than expected before heading to Macau and since we already agreed to host them—” As he spoke she saw things were clicking into place, that she had no idea what he was talking about. “He didn’t mention this to you.”

She shook her head.

“Well, it wasn’t like they gave us much notice.” As he was talking he received a text, pulled his phone out and gave an unguarded groan of frustration. “And now I guess we’re not getting those groceries because they changed their minds about needing picked up from the airport…” He began to curse mildly under his breath, “I’m sorry to send you off so unceremoniously but I’ve got a lot of—“

“Tell me what groceries you need and I’ll run for them. Do you have a list?”

“Uh…I can handle it on my own.” He said, glancing sidelong at the bottle of wine, “I know this probably messed up your evening plans, I’ll just tell Jin Woo that you were here–”

“It’ll be faster with two, right? I’ll fetch and carry for you. We have a little time before the get back. Think of it as my penance for coming by unannounced.”

She could see that he wanted to refuse her offer, but after a moment’s hesitation he nodded grudgingly.”

“Okay, yeah. Let’s do this. I don’t think I can pull it off alone.”

There was a shop not far from Jin Woo’s building where Ha Jin was able to gather the items on Min Ki’s grocery list. Most of them. She also grabbed a cheap bouquet for the table and a couple more bottles of wine.

When she got back Min Ki tossed her an apron and they set about turning the somewhat bare and utilitarian bachelor’s pad into something slightly more hospitable.

Min Ki was visibly uncomfortable with her there. He’d had no thought of meeting me this way, she thought, without Jin Woo here as a buffer. Perhaps he thought that she would dissipate, like a bad dream, and he would never be forced to meet her at all.

She didn’t mind his terseness. It was oddly familiar. It reminded her of the Baek Ah she’d met long ago. Protective and fiercely loyal toward the people he cared about. It hadn’t been until Myung Hee’s funeral had thrust them together in their grief that he’d started warming to her and trusting her intentions.

Ha Jin was putting the finishing touches on the place settings when Min Ki said, “They should be pulling up any minute. Have we pretty much done it?”

Pulling up? Already? She felt a sudden jolt of electricity running up her neck.

“I’ve gotta go.”

“You just spent all that effort on dinner and you’re going to leave without eating any of it?”

“Jin Woo isn’t even expecting me and we—” We haven’t even had a chance to talk about how he told me he loved me last night. I can’t meet his mother today. “I have no intention of crashing a family occasion.” She gestured to the table where she had set only four places.

To her surprise, Min Ki looked disappointed. He didn’t try to argue with her as she slipped her coat on and began moving toward the door. He said, “I’ll give Jin Woo your regards.”

“Uh…thank you.” She said with a hesitant bow of the head before she fled the scene.

As she retreated up the hallway toward the elevators, she thought. You did well, Ha Jin. You didn’t look like a complete nut case and you managed to escape a potentially excruciating social situation. Good work. She was still in the middle of mentally patting herself on the back when the elevators doors opened to reveal a startled Jin Woo looking out at her, flanked on either side by two well-dressed, imperious women—one in middle age, the other much younger, obviously related from their features—looking like lionesses in designer clothes.

“Ha Jin-ah.”

She froze.

They might have stood there stared at one another in silence until the elevator door slid closed between them but for the older of the two women clicking her tongue and spurring Jin Woo forward into the hallway.

“This is a surprise,” He said, “A nice one. I wasn’t expecting to see you this evening.”

“I thought I could skip out before I was caught.” Ha Jin laughed, playing off the remark as a joke.

“What brings you—” Jin Woo started to ask a halting question, when the younger woman said, “We can go in, right?” and strode past him toward his door.

Min Ki must have heard the voices, because he opened the door before she reached it and let the two women in with a gallant motion, while Jin Woo and Ha Jin remained loitering near the elevators.

“Sorry, I didn’t warn you I would be having guests tonight.” He said, “But I thought you wouldn’t want to see me anyway.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to see you?” She asked, “Anyway, no need for you to be sorry. I was just leaving anyway.”

“Leaving?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

They were stymied again. She should have left but she couldn’t quite make herself step past him and punch the light up lobby button goodbye.

Simultaneously they said, “I’ll call you later.” And the high pitched unison of their voices made them both glance down and laugh.

“I don’t suppose you would stay with me. For dinner I mean.”

Ha Jin opened her mouth and closed it again.

“No, of course. Forget I said it. We’re not there yet.” He smiled and said, “We’ll talk soon.” There was something under that smile that said I have an ordeal ahead of me tonight. I won’t say so, but it would go easier on me if you were here.

As she was vacillating Min Ki stuck his head out once more and said, “You two coming? Or do we have to move the party out here?”

Dinner was brutal almost from the moment Ha Jin sat down at the table. Since the table was already set for four and not large, Jin Woo fetched a mismatched chair from somewhere and she was squeezed uncomfortably at the end between Jin Woo on her left and his mother on the right. After meeting Min Ki, if Jin Woo’s mother had turned out to be the spitting image of Queen Yoo, Ha Jin thought it wouldn’t have phased her.

Thankfully she wasn’t forced to test that theory. Mrs. Noh was not a familiar face to ha Jin, and though she lacked the cruel confidence and that ability to send icy darts into her heart with a flick of her eyes like the queen, there was certainly something intimidating about the woman. The way she summarily appraised and dismissed Ha Jin even before Jin Woo could properly make introductions.

“This is Noh In Sook, my mother. And my dongsaeng, Na Ni. Oemmani, this is Go Ha Jin-sshi.”

Ha Jin bowed where she sat, “Pleased to meet you.”

“Ha Jin-sshi. I don’t think I’ve heard that name before?” In Sook barely acknowledging her presence, addressing the question to Jin Woo.

“I don’t think I had the chance,” Jin Woo replied quietly, “She’s my, uh…”

Na Ni was far more direct with her looks and her words. She spoke Korean with a light American accent, “You must be Jin Woo oppa’s—”

To Ha Jin’s surprised, Min Ki interposed, “Chingu. My friend. I imposed on her all afternoon to help me with dinner. She didn’t want to stay but I had to insist she eat something after all her hard work.”

Ha Jin couldn’t seem to stop bobbing her head politely every time she spoke, “I hope it suits your tastes.”

“Thank you for your efforts, but you shouldn’t have gone to the trouble.” In Sook said, without a trace of sincerity, still not looking in Ha Jin’s direction.

“You really shouldn’t have.” Na Ni said, hiding a smirk as she prodded the soft tofu soup with a spoon, not tasting it, “Oppa could have taken us out.”

“I thought after so long out of the country, you would like to have a home cooked meal.” Jin Woo said, “Next time I’ll take you somewhere delicious. What kind of food do you like?”

“Anything. So long as it’s delicate and high end. I’m addicted to black truffle these days.” Na Ni gave a trill of laughter, “Really, oppa, I couldn’t ask you to put yourself out like that. My tastes have gotten hopelessly expensive. My Bong Bong pampers me so much.”

“You mean spoils you.” In Sook said tartly.

Na Ni laughed again, “It’s true. Ever since he proposed in the spring, he hasn’t been able to spend his money fast enough. Look at that.” She offered her hand to Min Ki to examine her engagement ring. Even from where Ha Jin was sitting she could see the stone was massive.

Min Ki took her hand and said, “Very beautiful,” with a flirtatious smile. Na Ni seemed to enjoy the touch as much as the attention. The two of them continued to talk about her fiancé and Ha Jin thought Jin Woo’s sister looked as his friend with a deal more appetite than the food. Min Ki was aware of this too, and did his part to valiantly keep her distracted. That left Jin Woo and Ha Jin only the mother to manage between the two of them.

Taking impossibly small bites of rice, In Sook addressed Jin Woo, “Most of Bong Soo’s family is still in the country. So we’re planning to have two ceremonies. One in the states later this year, and a more traditional family affair in Korea in the spring.” 

“Korea? I didn’t realize.” 

“Naturally you’ll be expected to help represent the family. I hope you do your best not to undermine your father’s reputation.”

“Of course.” 

“Considering the state of things at your firm, we hardly expected you to be dating, but I would still like to introduce your fiancé at the ceremony. I’ve spoken to a friend of mine who can start arranging a few set-ups for you.” 

“That won’t be necessary,” Jin Woo said firmly. 

“However an engagement happens, it should happen soon. Are you aware that Bong Soo is being considered for partnership?” 

Na Ni piped up at this point, apparently distracted from flirting with Min Ki, to join in bragging about her fiancé. “He was you hoobae at school, wasn’t he? Just think about it. Barely 30 and already partner. Your father is ecstatic. He said he’s always wanted to pass the baton on to a son. A son-in-law is like another son, he said—” Thankfully, Min Ki managed to wrest back her attention once more from their end of the table by asking about the proposal before she could go on. 

Ha Jin couldn’t help but notice the way the two of them wielded the word “father” like a knife. Jin Woo looked as though he was having trouble swallowing his food. He continually filled his water glass and drained it. As the conversation went on he looked like he was trying to escape to somewhere deeper in himself.

“You see what kind relations we’re acquiring. I want your father to be able to stand tall beside them.” 

“I understand that, but surely…my accomplishments are not so embarrassing that I can’t stand beside Kang Bong Soo. Besides, he’s had some…advantages that I don’t.” 

“Such as?” 

“Well, the fact that he’ll be working for his future father-in-law for one. Family background…” 

“Oh, Jin Woo-ya. I hope you’re not going to blame this situation on your background.”

 “That’s not what I meant.”

 “Your father wasn’t born a wealthy man, but you know how disgusting he finds it when people blame their own failures on not being born with advantages. His background hasn’t kept him from succeeding…with some little help from me. We still have friends on this side of the world. Enough to hear about the real reason for your leave of absence. Your little breakdown. From what we heard you were on your way to becoming the ace of your department. Now who knows if you’re ever going to be able to claw your way back to that position again?”

 Jin Woo didn’t retaliate. Instead he folded further in on himself and bowing his said, “You’re right. Forgive me.” 

Mrs. Noh’s tone had cut through whatever conversation Min Ki had managed to scrape together with Na Ni, and they’d fallen silent. All their attention riveted on what In Sook was saying. Ha Jin’s stomach was starting to ache. What is this? She wondered, Why is she talking to him like this? 

“You see, this is exactly why he’s never asked you to work with him. How can he with these rumors that you have mental problems? It’s an embarrassment.”

“Let’s stop now.” Ha Jin said, quietly. But Mrs. and Ms. Noh either didn’t hear her or didn’t care.

“I heard that you attacked someone.” Na Ni said, “That the police had to come and escort you from the building.”

“That’s not what happened.” Jin Woo said, but his voice was quiet and his face was pale.

“Please stop.” Ha Jin said again, a little louder.

Min Ki tried to help, “Yes, let’s talk about something.” But they were both ignored as the two women warmed to their subject.

“Not everyone has the temperament for this kind of work.” In Sook said.

“Bong Bong said you were always odd when you were in school together. That you barely said anything and he never saw you out with anyone. If it wasn’t for Min Ki here, he was afraid you might do something to yourself. Now considering what happened at your firm…”

“Are you sure you should be living alone like this?”

Face burning, Ha Jin stood up abruptly from the table, “Stop it now. Stop.”

Her outburst pulled In Sook up short and the whole table stared up at her in silence for a moment before she recovered, “Excuse me?”

“I don’t like you talking to him like that.”

“Why are you interfering with a family conversation?” She curled her lip and slammed her chopsticks down with a click.

“Nobody deserves to be spoken to the way you speak to him.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“I’m his girlfriend. I won’t sit by and see him mistreated. Because he’s mine.”

The meal didn’t last much longer after that. Min Ki offered to walk their guests down to the building’s lobby, which the latter happily accepted. As he went, Ha Jin thought she saw a fleeting look of admiration on his face.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Jin Woo said when they were alone, “But thank you.”

“I just couldn’t stand to listen to that anymore. They were being so ugly.” She felt a fresh rush of indignation thinking about the smug look on Mrs. Noh’s face. “Anyway, it’s nothing you should be grateful for. You’ll be hearing about it later, I’m sure.”

For a few moments of silence they cleared the table without meeting eyes.

“I liked it.” He said. “When you called me yours. It was nice.”

She felt her color rising and didn’t know what to say.

“Don’t worry. I’m not going to read too much into it.”

She thought about the word he’d said the night before for the first time in several hours. He hadn’t repeated the sentiment. Perhaps he intended to pretend it hadn’t happened if she didn’t acknowledge it first. But she felt like the specter of the word hung between them. Could she just ignore it? That seemed too cruel.

Jin Woo’s tiny dishwasher only held about half the dishes they’d dirtied, and they decided to wash the rest by hand. He insisted that she wear the one pair of rubber gloves he owned. The stood side by side, he washed, and handed her handfuls of soapy utensils to be rinsed.

“She’s not my real mother. Not my biological mother.”

The unprompted statement surprised her, she glanced at his expression but he kept his eyes forward as he worked.

“I didn’t plan for you to meet them this way, or I would have warned you about the way they behave. I’m sure it’s pretty shocking if you’re not used to it. How could a mother…but I’m not. Her son, I mean.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” Ha Jin said gently. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“I want to.” He replied.

Even so he didn’t continue right away. She tried to help him, “Your father remarried?”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, “Um…when I was, I don’t know, eight or nine my mom—my real mom—left us. For a long time I kept expecting her to come back. She’d done it a few times before. When Dad was between jobs and things were really tight, she would just pack a bag and disappear for a while. Sometimes a few days. Once I think she stayed away for two months. My dad would say she was visiting her hometown, but I don’t think he knew where she was going. Maybe he didn’t want to know.

“The last time she left and just didn’t come back. Divorce agreement came in the mail and that was it. I never saw her again.”

All the time he spoke his voice remained impassive, his gaze stayed in the sink.

“After passing the bar, Dad bounced between firms for a few years. He was unhappy. Didn’t like to come home. Never came home sober. I think I reminded him of her and he came to dislike me. He met Mrs. Noh through a mutual friend. She had a daughter from a previous marriage so they were in similar situations and she offered to get him a job with her father’s firm in the US. He decided to emigrate, and I stayed here.”

“That’s horrible.”

“It made sense at the time. I mean, I had already enrolled in high school. My dad wanted out, wanted to forget. We barely spoke to one another anyway. They were starting a new life together and Mrs. Noh didn’t want to raise another woman’s child. It seemed…logical.”

“How old were you?”

“I was fifteen.”

Ha Jin felt like she’d been punched in the stomach.

“I lived alone in our small apartment until college. When I moved into a boarding house for law students. I had this thought, if I passed the bar, if I made my own way as a lawyer, my father would ask me to come work with him. But he, uh…didn’t”

Have you ever once just looked at him? Just seen him? Have you wondered what he’s been through? She was having all those thoughts of self-accusation, realizing that she hadn’t been thinking of him as a complete and separate being. She’d been too scared of losing herself in the past to see the person who was in front of her. I’ve been wrong about him.

She said, “It must have been lonely.”

“Min Ki was my life line. Pried me out of my shell, practically dragged bodily me out of the study room and into the world. He was so passionate about everything. I wanted to be that way too.”

Ha Jin reached into the sink Jin Woo was leaning over, still diligently scrubbing off the plates as though to grab out another hand full of utensils. Her gloved hand brushed against his beneath the hot water. He paused in his movements imperceptibly, still not looking at her. She took it as permission and laced her fingers deftly into his. He looked surprised, as though it could have been a mistake.

She squeezed his hand gently.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“I’m fine. I’m used to them by now.” He said it lightly, but she couldn’t believe that he wasn’t hurt. He was just good at covering it up. All that rejection, longing for family acceptance, things that Wang So had felt all his life. Ha Jin had never imagined that Jin Woo might have similar experiences. It seemed so unfair. How many times did a single soul have to suffer the same pain? Perhaps this was their fate, this relentless cycle they were trapped in. For him to seek in her the acceptance his family had denied him. For her to want to save him, to fail, and to lose herself in the process. Maybe it was their destiny to break one another’s hearts again and again.

No, Ha Jin thought, I can’t accept that. I have to believe some kind of redemption is possible.

“It’s okay if you read into it.” She said suddenly.

“What?”

“What I said at dinner. I meant it.”

“Ha Jin-ah…”

“I want to be in your corner. Like Min Ki. I want to be one of your people. If those women don’t want to be your family, we’ll be your family and…” She would have gone on, but she met his eyes. Caught in the intensity of his gaze her words dried up.

In one smooth motion he pulled her into an embrace, and she felt a warm, wet handprint blooming at the small of her back.

Resting his chin on her shoulder, against her neck she heard him whisper faintly, “It’s alright if I like you more, isn’t it? I don’t mind that you don’t feel the same, so long as you let me say it…I think I’ve gone and fallen in love with you all by myself.”

Her chest flooded with warmth and tenderness for this person, though she hadn’t said the word “love”. She hadn’t answered his confession in kind. Even now she didn’t know if she was ready, but her heart had claimed him. In this time and in this place, she could feel herself toeing her way to the cliff’s edge, ready to fall.

He drew back a little to study her expression. Clumsily, still wearing those oversized rubber gloves, she caught hold of the front of his shirt and pulled him toward her again, kissing him. He took her face in his hands, they were still dripping with dishwater but she didn’t mind.

Some moments later, a commotion from the front hall made them freeze and jump apart. They listened to the scuffing of feet as Min Ki changed from shoes to slippers and rounded the corner into the apartment.

“The two vultures have been sent off, so I was thinking the three of us could…” He started to say, finally looking up and taking in the scene. “Uh…was thinking I could just grab my stuff and head out for the night. Yeah”

As he said it he suppressed a little snort, glancing down. “It was really nice to finally meet you, Ha Jin-sshi…truly. The next time we’ll go for drinks just the two of us. No cooking.”

“I’m a good drinker.” She said, finding her smile.

“You look like you would be. Anyway, goodnight.”

Snagging his coat from where it was hanging off the back of the couch, he retreated, all the time looking like he was trying to hold back a burst of laughter.

When he had gone, she said aloud, “What was that all about?”

“Turn your head this way.” Jin Woo said, looking at her sidelong.

She looked at him and as soon as she turned her face he broke into a wide grin. Unable to contain his amusement he said, “You’re…it’s your hair. I’m sorry.” Picking up a kitchen towel, he held it out to her.

Ha Jin quickly ran her fingers over her hair, coming away with a hand full of suds that had been clinging to the side of her head. Exchanging a look, they two of them burst into helpless laughter.