#modernlit

Songs for that sad bit of the book

My recs would be (warning that you may never get over them...I have not):

‘The Absolutist’ by John Boyne (LGBTQ novel about two soldiers that fall in love during World War One).

‘Atonement’ by Ian McEwan (a beautifully written novel about two young lovers and how they get separated before the Second World War).

‘Call Me by Your Name’ by Andre Amican (an escape to Italy with Elio and Oliver).

‘Song of Achilles’ by Madeline Miller (a must read...I don’t think I will ever forget this book honestly).

‘Noughts and Crosses’ by Malorie Blackman.

And that one part in ‘Crooked Kingdom’- Leigh Bardugo’s sequel to ‘Six of Crows’ (if you’ve read it you know what I mean).

Songs:

‘august’ by Taylor Swift.

‘Tokyo Narita’ by Halsey and Lido.

‘I’ll Still Have Me’ by Cyn.

‘Achilles Come Down’ by Gang of Youths.

‘Some Kind of Love’ by The Killers.

‘Crowded Places’ by BANKS.

‘Speak to Me’ by Amy Lee.

‘In My Veins’ by Andrew Belle.

‘Made to Love You’ by Dan Owen.

‘The Night We Met’ by Lord Huron.

‘Everytime’ by Britney Spears.

‘I’ll Never Love Again’ by Lady Gaga for ‘A Star is Born’.

‘Stay with Me’ by Chanyeol.

‘Fire on Fire’ by Sam Smith.

P.S. little bit of self-promo but would love if you could check out my new YA Mystery Novel ‘Sonder’ on Wattpad...this playlist would suit it too. Thank you!! 🤍

And by home I mean the ocean

the unwavering wilderness

Deep in the trees, amongst rolling hills,

The fog, the monsoon storm

The earth before the dawn reaches it,

The twilight after it leaves

"He may seek the truth and speak it; he alone is free; he alone is truthful; he alone is at peace"

It is 1 a.m. and

I am once again

unable to sleep -

thinking about all the things

you have NOT said today.  

Like

greeting me or saying bye or

asking me how I’ve been doing

like you used to.

  For the past two hours I have been

reiterating the fact that

you didn’t even acknowledge

me walking into the room

saying hi and

asking how your day went.

Apparently you were too busy

talking to your boyfriend

or polishing the silver

to even look up.

  So when I realized

there wouldn’t be a single response

I forced my tongue to

stop spilling uncontrollable word chunks

out of my mouth

and reminded myself to

just. shut. up.

  After all you’ve done for me,

I surely didn’t want to annoy you with my mere presence.

  I’ve worked from 10 to 4 o’clock

and you barely spoke 3 sentences with me

treating me like a misplaced object

too ugly to even look at.

So after I had finished everything

I left with a hopeful goodbye -

receiving exactly the same respond I had anticipated:

[            ]

  See, it’s funny

because just a couple months ago

you asked me daily

how I had been doing

if I got along with my mom and

whether I was eating properly,

hell

you even drove 60km south

just to visit me in hospital.

I remember you telling me, urging me

to get in touch whenever I felt the need

to talk to someone

promising me

you would ALWAYS be just a call away.

  I guess your definition of always

differs from the one I have been taught.

  I recall the two of us chain-smoking

one cigarette after another

staring at the empty driveway

while you recounted all the things

going on in your life

like

how you were annoyed by your boyfriend

or how you were invited to that wedding

and got into a huge fight

with two of your best friends -

telling me stories

I thought only friends would share.

  I will always be able to recollect

that one conversation we had -

you drove me to my therapy session

and suddenly, out of the blue

offered me

to move in with you,

seemingly honest about the proposal.

  See,

I couldn’t stop myself from smiling

for two consecutive days

because for the first time in ages

I felt like someone truly cared about me.

And it was you

who unknowingly helped me

regain trust in others.

All along I would have described you as

a mixture between

my boss, friend and a big sister

though knowing deep down:

you would have never considered me

a friend of yours.

I guess trust and admiration blinded me like ever so often.

  But I can see,

times have changed.

Now that I’m superficially doing better

and you are too occupied

being in a relationship [with an asshole]

hanging out with friends

or whatever else is going on in your life [I wouldn’t know]

my existence is only acknowledged

when it is solely the two of us at work

and I am the last option to talk to.

  In these brief moments

I can feel a sprout of hope

growing in my chest

like tendrils of ivy

trailing up an old, long-forgotten building.

Turning your attentiveness away

the moment someone who you might know

- the third cousin of your boyfriend’s friend -

walks into the tavern.

Leaving me choking on my unfinished sentence

and an ocean of unspoken words

trailing off into humble silence.

  You know I hate it,

hate the sensation of being

too attached to you,

too clingy and

too dependent upon your affection.

And still do I often enough catch myself

wishing with all my heart

for you to just talk to me one more time

like you used to.

When all my reason craves, really

is me being able to cut you out of my skin

and not remember anymore

how it used to be.

  Yet here I am

writing poems about you

at 2 a.m.

thinking about all the things,

you have NOT said today.