Hi everyone. I'm so happy to announce that, even in the current state of the housing market, I've just been able to purchase a property! And not just any property, but one fully furnished with a bathtub!
Well, just the bathtub.
Actually, the property is the bathtub.
Name: Sample M: Bath
Debut: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
I love Sample M: Bath.
Why?
I don't particularly need a reason.
Well, that's just how it is.
I love Sample M: Bath! Sample M: Bath is one of three sample Stage Builder stages in Brawl. I deleted the other two as a kid, but Sample M: Bath was important enough to keep. And I live here now. So that's how it is!
Sample M: Bath is a bath. Well, it's more like one of those old fashioned Japanese baths that's taller than it is wide, but a bath is a bath! A bath is a bath if it holds bathwater, or any sort of water which becomes bathwater in the bath. Does Sample M: Bath have water?
No. But that's okay.
It's still a bath. You can bathe yourself here, in the immaculate vibes of Super Smash Brothers Brawl.
Let the dulcet tones of Attack from Fire Emblem: The Blazing Blade wash over you. As it… Attacks. The impurities in your body.
So, let me give you a house tour! These are the brick walls of my bath. When you punch someone, they won't die by hitting the walls. So you can punch me all you want in here.
Up there's the ooooold deadly spike traps. We don't want anyone leaving the bath, after all. I want my guests to stay here as long as possible, until their fingers get SO wrinkly. It appeals to me.
Okay. If you really want to leave the bath, you can go on the drop block. It will, "drain", the bath, so to speak. Ha, ha. It's like a ninety foot drop you're not going to survive
Last but not least? My pet floating platform. Isn't it cute? I don't even need to take it for walks, because it gets all the exercise it needs by floating left and right all day. And it's so affectionate! If you stand on top of it, it'll push you upwards with enough force to nullify the pull of gravity! Aww!
Ok, house tours over. Get out of my house now pretty please.
I'm also getting out of my house. I don't actually live here. I live in the WME Apartment in Wet Dry World, remember?
I can't believe you forgot. I can't afford rent for an apartment AND a bath! How could you let me make such an irresponsible purchase?
I've had to remortgage the property.
Goodbye Sample M: Bath. I'll miss you.
I really, really like Sample M: Bath.
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Hey, remember the Ralph Breaks the Internet craze of 2018? What a time to be alive! Disney's film about What If The eBay Was A Place was an instant hit, due to the fact that everyone knows the Internet, and everyone wants to see a movie about it! You couldn't stop hearing about it! No wonder it won the Academy Award for best animated film! I think it beat out some movie about spiders, or something...?
Kids today might not remember, because 2018 was so long ago. They're too obsessed with their new age sexymen, like Raymond and the big balls Dwarf. But this movie wouldnt've been the cultural phenomenon it was without one character taking the world by storm: a certain J.P. Spamley!
The Internet fell in love with Spamley at first sight, flooding social media with memes and fan art about the loveable green prick. He rose to the highest ranks of the Tumblr Sex Man for a good while! You couldn't scroll for a few minutes without seeing his catchphrase, "Now's your chance to get rich playing video games!"
What kind of a megacorporation would Gisnep be if it didn't capitalize on Spamley's popularity? So they held a special Spamley Sweepstakes event on November 2019, allowing fans to donate money in honor of Spankley himself! All proceeds would go to Bob Iger and Baby Yoda, and if that's not wholesome, I don't know what is. Those who entered even had a chance of winning WILD prizes, like:
That's it that was the only prize
See him in theatres! This is what Disney told us all to do, and we listened! Little did we know they were doing this to hide a dark secret! If you buy the Blu-ray version of the movie, you can actually manipulate the Scene Select to watch the movie out of order and make some... strange things happen. You can look up a walkthrough online, but the gist of it is making Vanelope kill all the Disney Princesses. Especially Merida. And when you do, you unlock a weird alternate ending...
Spamley NEO is the secret true main antagonist of the film, and he wants to take over Oh My Disney to spread spam and advertisements! No! Not Oh My Disney! Please, for the love of God, NOT OH MY DISNEY!! You have to kill him. You have to destroy your Blu-ray copy of Ralph Breaks the Internet now. I hope you're proud of yourself.
Once upon a time a kindly old man named Gerald "Pop-pop" Robotnik wanted to make a son who was the ultimate lifeform. And the ultimate lifeform he decided on was... a hedgehog!
Yeup, this thing! It just needs some red streaks and cool sneakers and teleportation powers and it'll be the peak of evolution! But the artistic process is one of trial and error! The original concept for the ultimate lifeform working title was in fact...
Name: The Biolizard
Debut: Sonic Adventure 2
Oh shit! It's The Biolizard, Shadow the Hedgehog's older brother! And he's cute, right? It's not just me, The Biolizard is cute. A mouth so muppety and guns for eyes, to me The Biolizard is lovely prize...
Smile! I just think it's funny we have two iterations for the ultimate life's form and they're so drastically different! I think we can all understand the urge to make a cyborg lizard before Keanu Reeves. It's THE Biolizard mind you! Biolizard is a title!
Though, come to think of it... I feel like most lizards are already pretty bio-logical. I'd say The Biolizard is less biological than most lizards! Due to the gun eyes!
Oh yeah, and The Biolizard is also the final boss of Sonic Adventure 2, fusing with the space station to become a guy called Finalhazard. Cool! I'm starting to think Shadow might not be that much better than this guy. Shadow can't do that! So what if he has DNA from Space Satan?
So maybe The Biolizard just needed to be taught how to love! Maybe he was just hungry and needed a big meal of giant bug and worm. Maybe he was in constant pain from being a bioengineered abomination. We don't know. There's literally no way to know either way.
What we do know, is that The Biolizard got to come back this year as a boss in Shadow Generations! Hooray! My boy, he is so textured. And is that what I think it is?
Yes it is! He has teeth now! Little cute teeth, but he's not afraid of showing them off!
Aaaand, we even get this nice flashback picture of little baby Biolizard! Having a bath haha :)
Ooprs! Someone had a bathtime fail!
As of writing this post I haven't seen the Sonic Movie 3 so I can't talk about the cameo appearance he probably has in it. But I can talk about this!
Yes! Lego Biolizard. I'm talking about it! Okay, post over now bye.
Edit: I saw the movie but I don't want to talk about it because that would be spoilers so if you leave a reply about it The Biolizard will Eat You
SURPRISE! Did you think the day would come when we would cover Love Live on this blog? I didn't!
Yohane the Parhelion: Blaze in the Deepblue is the Metroidvania-style game based on the fantasy spin-off of Love Live Sunshine, but you probably don't care about that! Statistically speaking, our target audience is Bogleech readers who are deeply revolted by anime girls!
So why bring up? Why bring it up? The answer is 🐠 FUNNY FISH! It's Funny Fish Friday!
Since this game is set in an underwater temple, the enemies this game are all based on sea creatures, and that's cool! Again, statistically speaking, you probably think sea creatures are cool. I really liked seeing the variety of enemies when playing through this game, so I thought it'd be fun if I could share them with an audience of people who otherwise wouldn't care! None of the enemies really have names, as far as I'm aware of. But I'll do my Rubesty...?
Our first guy we encounter in the game is the sort of guy who emerges from the ground like the Zombies from Castlevania, and wow! A good first impression I think. It is sort of a squid mantle, if the mantle was also a cloak for a spooky sort of wizard! The way it doesn't really have a 'face' in the hood and the eye is below really makes it seem like a weird mimic creature. Cool!
They also get a tough lategame variant which looks like a mix between a flapjack and a vampire squid. You don't often see flapjacks be designed as scary!
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Next is Barnacles! A whole clump of them, like a cake. They shoot Energy Balls at you. Is this what Barnacles can do if they combine their powers...? The top actually opens up, and it looks a lot like a sea urchin's mouth! So maybe it is some sort of naked urchin creature covered in barnacles? Game Theory!
There are also barnacles with Ice Powers. Like real life!
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Let's give it up for Garden Eel!!!!
What a fine Garden Eel it is! Complete with the sort of grumpy face, and with the addition of two little arms that make it look like it's praying or maybe a bit shy. But it is mean! It also spits energy balls at you, then hides in the hole so you can't hit it. How very sneaky!
SO sneaky, in fact, that these eels have mastered the art of ninjutsu! The ninja eel shows up for a split second in one single room, before smoke bombing away. You'd have to use a time freeze power to get him, but I never got around to doing that. I don't have any beef with a ninja eel! I respect him and his training!
Did someone say CTENOPHORE? I hope you did, or my hearing has really gotten worse. This thing is a grade A ctenophore, only with a ring of Scary Teeth! A little scary to think of a ctenophore who could Bite you, but nonetheless this deserves a :ctenopog:!
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Let's not forget Fish Vortex! Fish Vortex was the first guy to make me go 'wow, this game's enemies really are awesome!' So of course I had to put him at the top of the post! He is my selling point! I am selling all these enemies to you. For 4.99 a pop!
Anyway. This design is just so funny and cool at the same time. A swirling school of fish that leads into an endless dark abyss, and in the middle, a big eyeball. Also covered in fish. It shoots fish at you! Yay!
There is also a pink variant - it shoots fish that give you the Solitude status effect, which basically just makes Yohane too depressed to summon her friends. Meaning? They are Depression Fish! Maybe she just becomes so jealous of the unity and teamwork of these sardines. She's me like just for real! ^_^
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isopot :)
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This slug is an umbrella. That is ridiculous! Ridiculously EPIC! It does the opposite of shield you from rain, which is create rain, that kills you. But I would still want one as an umbrella.
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When I first saw this thing, I thought it was some strange round Echimoderm I had never heard of. But upon further inspection (I actually asked Mod Chikako shh), it is obviously like a Brittle Star, with each arm folded round to form a wheel! How creative and fun! It even has a bunch of eyes like a starfish!
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Last but not least- sushi! There are sushi guys and they are cute. They don't really do much and are typically found in their own rooms, so I'm not sure what the point of them is. But finding a funny walking sushi should be a reward in of itself, I guess! Look at their funny rice feet! Or the one with the roe eyes!
I happened to use fire magic on one of them and this happened. Oopsies...
Now I am sure you are saying, thank you for showing me all these funny enemies. But are there any cool bosses? Of course there are, me! What's a Metroidvania without cool bosses? So I shall show you my favorites without delay!
First is this freak (affectionate)! It is a sort of amalgamation of lots of different animals and I think it just looks plain cool! Two squid mantles combined into one, a bit of a sea angel shape, bug legs and of course a great big eyeball!
If it is not freaky enough for you, let it be known that the bug legs turn into big green skeleton hands, and it also keeps getting pinker, and it grows new eyes and then extra horns grow out of those eyes. If THAT is not freaky enough for you then I am sorry but I cannot do anything about that.
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Now, how about a sampling of this Freaken Thang? It honestly doesn't seem that sea-creature themed, but it uses seashells so I guess it counts!
What is really neat is that this boss has two different forms, upside down and rightside up! When it is upside down it looks a bit like a Magolor type creature. And of course, I really like the flame thing in the middle as well, that really feels like a Kirby enemy or something! Like a wisp made of plasma!
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Fans of Anomalocaris won't be disappointed by this one! It's a big Anomalocaris tank and boy is it cool! There's something for everyone here, whether you're an Anomalocaris purist or you've always wanted to see it turn into a sort of futuristic beast with a screen mouth that shoots lasers! It really is the future, zura...
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After covering all these wacky creatures, I'm going to have to end it off with the final boss! What could the big bad, the ultimate boss of all these sea monsters even be, I wonder? Well, it's...
...a coelecanth. Just a big coelacanth! It is big and blue! And really, does it need to be anything else? It is such an honor to make the biggest ultimate boss a coelacanth. It is even pretty cute!! Think he's smiling! 😊
Uh oh! Is it still cute? I guess so. My first thought seeing this was of course the world-renowned tongue eating isopod, so I really hope it was an intentional reference! It probably just wants to shake hands. Still, a pretty simplistic design for our final boss, right?
Buu buu! Its true form actually looks like this! Actually, it's kind of doing too much. Like let's tone it down a little?
So!! We beat the mega ultra coelacanth, and now we can find out what his motivation is! And it is... that he is the memories of the people of the past or something. And they all didn't want to be forgotten, so they turned into fish monsters! But we forgive them!
It doesn't really matter. All the girlies gather around and sing him a song. Look how happy he is! I forgot I was talking about a Love Live game until now, actually. All's well that ends well, the end, et cetera! Hit it, Yohane! [imagine this is like the end of a kids movie where all the Love Live girls are having a dance party and there is a shot of the big coelacanth in jail and he's tapping his mouth fingers along to the beat]
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Aren't you tired of blue-haired liberal's pushing their cultural agenda?
Telling you that all your hobbies are "toxic", and all your role models are 'problematic'?
Yuo know exactly what I'm talking about...
For too long, women have been trying to erase the CARTOON CAVEMAN tradition from American culture, and we've had Enough! When was the last time you saw a caveman video game, or a cartoon episode about a caveman being unfrozen in the modern day? If you did, I bet they tried to silence you for it!
What, because it's "politically appropriation?" Grow up! Even FLINT STONE doesn't have the cultural cache it used to! Is this the world you want your children's to grow up in? A world where they don't even know how to chase a T-Rex with a wooden club because their school's were more busy teaching them about GENDERS and TYPE MATCH UPS?
The data doesn't lie, but you'll never see this being covered on LAMEstream media!
So us MEN are supposed to just sit idly by, as all the brontosaurus leg/oversized meat-on-bone joints in OUR neighbourhoods are replaced by "vegan leaf restaurants"? And when the government comes to take the bone ornaments out of our hair, WHO are we supposed to turn to?
Here's a story I heard from Facebook: in 2024, a boy from Arizona dressed up in traditional American caveman garb for class, but his teacher, a purple haired woman, screamed "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING? I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING SO OFFENSIVE!", and she beat him to death with her gender books, and buried him in kitty litter, and peed on it, and the courts ruled in her favour because the Judge was also a woman (purple haired).
This kind of thing is happening in our schools EVERY DAY, and you'll never hear anyone talk about it! Literally! If someone tries to talk about it, the goverment will use the remote control from Adam Sandler's Click to put them on mute. It's devastating.
THIS is the kind of thing our culture needs to return to! Just men being men, swinging on vines, fighting for girl's kiss reward. These days, girls wouldn't give kiss reward, and the vines would be replaced by. 5G....
THANKFULLY, WE AT WEIRD MARIO ENEMIES ARE FIGHTING BACK...... After our successful coup of the U.S. government, we're instituting a mandatory Underrepresented Grug Hiring (UGH) policy for all branches of our government, and for all private companies, too!
Once approved, this policy will ensure we can only hire authentic caveman, freshly unfrozen from solid blocks of ice, to work in every conceivable occupation and also have our babies, while the rest of us starve to death and rot away along with every other sin of modern industrialist society!
We're also bringing Homo neanderthalensis back from extinction! "Their back, baby!!"
Of course, you can expect us to go through a complete rebrand to match. From this day forwards, weirdmarioenemies will instead become 'weirdrocks.' And though we don't want to spoil anything, our new head writer Mod Zag has allowed for a special preview of our upcoming first post, right below the cut...!
G-g-g-gulp!! Prom night at Wet-Dry High is TOMORROW, and I still don't have a date! I wish I could ask Destiny Del Vecchio, the most popular girl in school, but there's no way she'd ever go out with a nerd like me!!
Thank god I have you, Spikey, my best friend from chess club! Nerds like us ought to stick together, I say!
What's that? You say you know a way to infiltrate Destiny Del Vecchio's social circle? No way! I think you're nuts! But well, it wouldn't hurt to try, I guess...
(Later that day...)
Excuse me, are you the guy they call... "the informant"...? The one who knows all about everyone in school?
"Heh, depends who's asking!"
Um, I'm a friend of Spikey's? I need your help! How can I get Destiny Del Vecchio to like me so I can take her to prom?
"Heh, I usually charge 30 bucks for a juicy piece of info like that, but a friend of Spikey's is a friend of mine! The key to Destiny Del Vecchio's heart is easy- everyone knows she can't resist a bad boy!"
I see! Thank you so much! I really owe you one!
"Heh, don't mention it! By the way, would you like to check out my YouTube channel? I do some pretty sweet prank videos!"
Erm, I think I'll pass. But thank you anyway!
Phew! I did it! Now that I've totally reinvented my image as a bad boy, Destiny Del Vecchio is totally gonna want to go to prom with me for sure!
Look, there's Destiny Del Vecchio right now, with her friends! Excuse me ladies, may I have a moment?
Hey Destiny Del Vecchio, baby! I'm a total bad boy now, so whaddaya say you and I go to prom together, baby?
"I'm sorry, but I have to decline. It offends me that you think I'm shallow enough to only judge people based on appearance. I'm sure we could have gotten along if you hadn't distanced yourself from others due to your perceived social status, but it's too late now. Relationships take time to blossom."
"Besides, I've already agreed to go to prom with the hottest guy in school, Teen Mario! He's so cute! Squeeeeeee!"
Aw, shucks! Looks like someone beat me to the punch, so I've learned no lessons from this situation whatsoever. Hey, there's always next year, right? Right? I don't actually know if prom is every year. Am I right?
What's that? You say YOU still want to go to prom with me...?
(The next day...)
Gee willikers! I've finally learnt the True Meaning of Prom, and it was friendship all along! I couldn't have realized this without you, Spikey! Looks like this story had a happy ending after all! Now, LET'S BOOGIE!!!
Today we are talking about a Splatoon character beloved by all. More popular than the Squid Sisters! More respected than Off the Hook! It’s Monkey Crab! The world-famous Monkey Crab!
Now if you didn’t notice from us using a plushie as the header image, Monkey Crab is not real. Sorry. And I don’t just mean in the sense that most Splatoon characters aren’t real! He’s not real in the world of Splatoon! He’s what we call a cartoon guy, in the business. An in-universe fictional character!
Monkey Crab first shows up in the stage MakoMart, which is a supermarket, and the devs had to make a bunch of fake food packaging for it! There is a lot of fun stuff like Off the Hook flavored cereal, but our star here got three different types of cereal all for himself! I think this stuff is super cool, since the world of Splatoon is already so cartoony, what would their cartoons look like? Monkey Crab gives a glimpse into that world, and what a world it is!
So Monkey Crab is a cereal mascot! Case closed! He is like a Toucan Sam or a Tony the Tiger, or a Buzz the Honey Nut Cheerios! But a fake cereal guy is not bound by the rules of our world, because...
A few months later, Monkey Crab returned to us... in the Amusement Park stage, Wahoo World! Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t see a lot of cereal mascots in amusement parks, in our world. I mean, maybe sometimes they collaborate? But this means either A. Monkey Crab was a cereal mascot who achieved incredible widespread success, or B. Monkey Crab was not originally a cereal mascot, he just happened to have a cereal tie-in. I choose to believe A, because it’s funnier!
Look, here he is in Inkopolis Square, eating Cereal! It’s SO his thing! So if mammals don’t exist in Splatoon, what kind of Milk do they eat with their cereal? Monkey Crab says Don’t Worry About It! :)
Keep in mind we didn’t even have a name for this guy until a Japanese exclusive magazine, where he was revealed to be called Sarukani! Sarukani means monkey crab. It definitely is a crab, and his face sort of is monkey-ish! (Though, monkeys are extinct, right?) Thanks to the power of Japanese Google, I managed to find a picture, with his official art and everything! So I did my best to translate it, even though other people probably have before:
He greets you with an 100% smile, the most popular cereal mascot at MakoMart! His smile is so wonderful, he's been showing up lately on commercials on the giant monitor in Inkopolis Square. (He's so popular that he's even being used on skateboard designs!)
So yeah! That pretty much confirms he’s a cereal character first and formost! And his smile! It’s the secret to his success, and you have to admit it’s a pretty great smile. What about the skateboards? Uh... we’ll get to that!
Now there’s actually a Japanese folktale about a monkey and a crab, which I am reading about on Wikipedia just now. It’s about a monkey who murders a crab with persimmons. And so much more! But none of that is important right now. The point is it’s usually known as Sarukani Gassen, or Monkey-Crab Battle, which might be where the name Monkey Crab comes from? Maybe? I dunno? It’s the sort of thing I’d expect from Splatoon, but I’m not sure how it relates to cereal!
Of course, I’m only really writing this post because of Splatoon 3, which introduced customizable lockers, and lots of Random Junk to customize those lockers with! And it just so happens a lot of that junk features Monkey Crab! I have a dedicated Monkey Crab shelf in my locker, and you should too!
There’s the monkey-crab cushion from the top of this post, but how about a monkey-crab mug! Would you drink hot beverages from this? Would you drink cold beverages from this? Look at that face. He is so happy to be providing a container for liquids.
And the aforementioned monkey-crab skateboard! Of course cereal mascots are no strangers to skateboarding in real life. Do you think Monkey Crab has a radical commerical encouraging Inklings to eat a balanced breakfast and do Extreme Sports? Because I hope so!
All three cereal boxes are available to purchase too! It’s interesting how they get progressively more expensive. Is coconut cereal rarer? Is someone scalping cereal? That they sell in the supermarket?
Are you in need of a laugh? Monkey Crab is sure to make you giggle and chuckle and chortle with his comedy comic! I’m laughing out loud just looking at this cover! I’m crying with laughter! I just love Monkey Crab so much!
But of course, this has all been a lead-up to the peak of Monkey Crab’s career, my personal favorite item in his collection...
Monkey Crab in Silly Land!
Isn’t it wonderful? Just the title alone inspires such joyous whimsy! A whole Silly Land, for you to explore with your best friend Monkey Crab! Not only is it great they gave this cereal mascot an entire Switch game, but this officially makes Monkey Crab an in-universe scrimblo! Congratulations, Monkey Crab! If anyone deserves it, it’s you!
That’s all for today fellow Monkey Crab enthusiasts, but keep an eye out for our next cool post, where we write about Mister Shrug and Missus Shrug, and their spicy secrets! We’ll finally get to the bottom of... hm? Hm. I’m being told that I’m not allowed to write a post on Mister and Missus Shrug. Sorry everyone.
