#mob!au

She'd woken up with a start, heavy breaths wracking her chest because of the dream. John was still fast asleep beside her and she didn't want to wake him but there were tears streaming down her face.

The dream, the nightmare. It had started romantic, but it had quickly turned into John being taken from her, not leaving her, not at first. No, at first it was her father finding something out about him, it was Harvey finding out about them. She was being told she was stupid and there was something about secrets. She'd tried to stop them, tried to help him but once the beating started she couldn't stop them. Even screaming herself hoarse, and then, and then the scene had shifted.

They were in that room, the room where they'd first been intimate and John was running his hand through his hair like he did when he was stressed.

"I can't take you with me." He'd said. "It's too much, you're too much. I can't take you with me. Maria I can't, you're too dangerous. You're like a bomb, a ticking time bomb. If I take you, if we leave together they'll come after me and I'm not sure- I'm not sure this is worth it."

Maria's heart had cracked in two as he said the same words over and over again. She'd woken after the door in her dream had banged shut.

The worst part about the nightmare, about the aftermath was there was truth in it. They were playing at a fairytale in secret when the truth was this only really ended in heartbreak didn't it? Either John being hurt because of her or John realising she wasn't worth it and leaving and he would realise she wasn't worth it eventually. Because she wasn't.

The heaviness in her heart was suffocating, so she peeled herself out of bed slowly, careful not to wake him and made her way into the kitchen. She picked up a book but couldn't bear to read, made tea but it tasted like ash in her mouth. A sob was choked off by her covering her mouth as she started to cry.

It wasn't supposed to have been this. She wasn't supposed to have fallen in love with him. She wasn't supposed to have given her entire being to him. Wasn't supposed to feel like she'd found the missing piece of her soul. This wasn't fair.

By the time John was making his way into the kitchen Maria had calmed down some, there was this horrible sort of numbness that had settled over her. She didn't even put her hands over his on her shoulders like she usually would. It was a tiny smile, barely there when he made the joke.

She took his hands but couldn't meet his eyes, scared of what she might see there.

Something was wrong.

Her side was empty. Her side was never empty during the nights they stayed together. Unless she'd gotten up to use the bathroom, but it had already been a few minutes since he woke up and when he called out, there was no answer.

"Maria?" Horatio John called, a little louder this time despite his voice being heavy with exhaustion. His call was met with silence and his stomach filled with dread. Did she leave? He looked at the clock that read 3:32am and threw the covers off of him. He remembered feeling the bed move, but not enough to wake him and he was normally a light sleeper. Had to be in this line of work, especially while undercover, always on alert and prepared for anything.

But being with Maria had changed him. In more ways than one and one of those ways was this. Being able to sleep soundly, being able to relax enough because he felt safe, because he felt at peace, though still on alert because he wanted her safe. Because it was his job to protect her, but his protecting her went far beyond the job now. It had for a while. He protected her because he cared about her, because he loved her. Because he was in love with her. He wasn't supposed to be, he shouldn't be, but he was. And there was no going back, not with how deep they already were. Somehow he was still able to keep his life going, to keep this mission afloat, but it wasn't without difficulty. Especially because their relationship wasn't known to her father, to John's boss. The man he was here to learn about and take down.

Their relationship likely wouldn't be approved by him, given he was still newer than most despite proving himself as her bodyguard. But there were other reasons why they couldn't be together, why they shouldn't, but it didn't stop them. They couldn't stay away from one another and any chance they could be together, they took it. Any chance she could stay with him through the night, or he could stay with her, they made it happen. As rare as it was, but they tried to steal moments in between, too.

Tonight, though. Something was wrong. Because she wasn't there by his side like she usually was. She wasn't under the covers, nestled against his body, her messy hair fallen over her face. She wasn't there for him to kiss while she slept. She wasn't there for him to wrap his arms around, keeping her warmer than the blankets. She... wasn't there and so he left his room to look for her, dressed in only his boxers.

He could feel the panic starting to rise within him. She wouldn't leave in the middle of the night. No way in hell would she do that to him, not with how risky and dangerous it could be. He looked into the living room, but it was empty and he'd been about to call for her again but then he saw the light coming from the kitchen and he let out a heavy breath of relief. Sighing, he followed the light and found her sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee or tea or whatever it was in her hand and an opened book, but she didn't seem to actually be reading it. She looked... upset.

"I had a nightmare that you left me."

He stilled. So she heard him coming, she knew he was there, and he didn't even have to ask why she was up in the middle of the night, here in the kitchen instead of in bed with him. Her words made his heart feel heavy, or rather heavier because it already carried so much guilt and dread and fear, but her words... god, they hurt. They hurt because once this job was complete, once he was finished here... he swallowed. He honestly didn't know what would happen, but he couldn't leave her... maybe she'd come with him. Maybe she'd still love him once she found out the truth... sometimes, though, he thought maybe he should stop things before they got anymore serious, save her the heartbreak and pain for when he did eventually have to leave.

But he couldn't. He was too fucking selfish and couldn't bring himself to leave her. Couldn't bring himself to hurt her like that and he sure as hell wouldn't be able to ever stop loving her, or even pretend. He wouldn't leave her. He couldn't.

“Tell me you don’t regret it.”

He needed to hear her say it. He needed to be sure. Though, there was the possibility that she'd lie, that she'd tell him she did regret it, just to make him stay away, but he'd know better. He'd know she was lying simply because... she was here. Because she agreed to meet him.

And because just like all those years ago, when their eyes locked for the first time in four years, they stopped, and with them, around them, the entire world. They stopped and stared. Like him, her breath had been stolen away the second they locked eyes from across the room those couple of days ago. It took him back to the moment they met, when he entered her life not as Horatio Caine, but as John Kelly. And then he fell in love with her. Not as John Kelly, but as Horatio Caine.

"Horatio-"

His eyes followed her hand when she rubbed at her forehead, so close to the dark mark on her face that Horatio had questioned, asked where it came from, even though deep down, he knew. She told him she had ran into an open cabinet door, but he didn't believe her. Not after what he saw the night they reunited. Not after witnessing the way Adam roughly grabbed her arm and yanked her to the side. It filled him with a rage Horatio hadn't felt in a long time, not since that night four years ago when that bastard Drew attacked Maria, tried to assault and kill her.

Seeing Adam grab her like that, it took everything in him not to walk over there and break the bastard's hand for touching her like that, for hurting her like that. But with how scared Maria had been when Horatio approached her, with the way she begged him to leave, Horatio knew that if he made himself known to Adam, it would've meant worse for Maria.

But it seemed as though it happened anyway. The bruise being proof of it. Had he been hurting her the entire time they were together? For four years? It made Horatio sick to think about, wondering what injuries she sustained at his hands. The thought made that rage within him build - quiet, but deadly. Shown in his eyes and in the way his jaw clenched more than anywhere else. He was a man that rarely showed emotion, always remaining calm and controlled. His composure a defining trait, an anchor. Not to say he doesn't feel, because he does. He feels deeply. He's feeling it now, feeling so many things, and if anyone can see that, it would be Maria. The only woman, the only person who ever could. Whoever understood him, who could ever read him and know what he was feeling based on his body language or the look in his eyes.

He feels the ache to be close to her, to have her close. He feels the ache to hold her in his arms again, he feels the need to save her, to take her from the life they once promised to run away from. He feels the need to protect her, to keep her safe from the monster that traps her in this hell.

And when she stood off of the bed and paced, those expressive eyes of his followed. They softened into something only for her, filled with a warmth no one else had ever seen from him, not like this. Especially when she finally answered his question. His plea.

"I don't regret a single moment we had together Horatio, not a single moment."

He feels so many things all at once. Relief, guilt, joy, shame... the guilt heavy in his heart and in his eyes when she mentions the lie he told for so long. A lie that was once used for his mission, but then it became all about protecting her until the right moment where he could tell her. She still thought about him. She still thought about him like he thought about her. She wanted to run away with him, she almost did, they were ready to go and then... she had changed her mind. Said she was going with Adam instead and he shattered. He shattered and he was shattering all over again because this entire time, she wanted him. Wanted him like he wanted her. But Adam, goddamn Adam, manipulated her into leaving with him. Threatened her into doing so and she did it not to protect herself, but to protect him. To protect him like he'd protected her all those months he was with her.

That told him even more the kind of man Adam was and how painful and traumatic of a life she lived with him. Was living. Because she was still with him. Still trapped in that hell with no sign of escape... until now. Until they found each other again. It only strengthened his resolve to help her, to save her, to protect her and give her the life she deserved. The life they could have had together. The life that maybe... they still could.

Did she think he found someone? Did she think he was happy with someone else?

Horatio stood and moved behind her, stopping just a couple of feet away. He didn't want to get too close without her permission, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable or make her run. He just... he needed her to know...

"I haven't stopped thinking about you, either." His voice was barely above a whisper when he said it, but the emotion was there. The truth. "Not a day goes by where I don't think of you, sweetheart." It fell from his mouth so naturally, like it had all those years ago. Because it still belonged there, belonged to her.

"Not a day goes by where I don't think of your smile, whether it's for me or whatever book has your attention," he steps closer. "Not a day goes by where I don't hear your voice in my ear or your laughter filling whatever room I'm in," he swallows. "Not a day goes by where I don't think about all those moments in bed with you, talking about leaving that life behind, leaving everything behind, so we could be together." He thought about her every single day. There was no one else. There never was. There likely never would be.

Another step closer. She can probably feel the warmth radiating off of his body now from how close he is. His heart thunders in his chest. "I never found anyone." He tells her, that raw honesty in his voice. "I never found anyone else, Maria, because I... I wasn't looking. I didn't care to find anyone else, I didn't care to fall in love again. Because I knew," a brief pause, his composure faltering. The vulnerability showing. As it always did with her. Only her. "I knew I could never love anyone the way I loved," he stops and swallows again. "The way I love you. Maria."

"Horatio-" Maria rubbed her forehead, there was a faint bruise around the hairline where Adam had slapped her. She couldn't even remember the reason any more but she knew that the man before her would have never done that. Never touched her like that.

She never thought she'd see him again.

It was the great tragedy wasn't it? She'd fallen in love with a man who treated her like she deserved the Earth, who wanted to whisk her away from all this and Maria had been so willing to leave, so willing to run with him but then Adam had threatened him. Adam had told Maria he would kill Horatio, well John. He knew nothing about John being Horatio undercover, no idea that this man was a police officer. All he knew was that this man wanted to take away the woman who'd been promised to him. Not the woman Adam loved, not the woman he wanted but the woman he'd been promised.

At one point Maria had thought the whole promising thing had been sort of romantic, she'd imagined Beauty and The Beast scenarios, a man rough around the edges who just needed love. This was all before John/Horatio had walked into her life though, it was before he'd swept her off her feet, given her hope for a beautiful and love filled future. Maria just wanted him but she was promised to Adam. The reality of Adam was nothing like Beauty and the Beast, the reality of Adam was him threatening to kill Horatio. The reality of Adam was all fists and anger, was him treating her like she was a toy, like she was a belonging. He didn't love her, didn't even want her. She was his though, she belonged to him. He could treat her as he wanted.

It made everything so much worse because she'd had the taste of real love, of true love and all with Horatio.

She'd had to let him go though, she'd had to let him go to save him.

Which is why she hated the fact she'd agreed to meet him, hated the fact she'd come to see him and left Maddie with her grandfather. She hated herself but she couldn't deny him, even now, as much as she had protested as much as she had told him to leave her alone, that Maddie wasn't his, that he needed to stay away, she also couldn't stay away. It was like she needed him to know that she hadn't left because she didn't love him. She hadn't left because she didn't want him or this life.

The words caught in her throat, how was she supposed to lie to him again. To tell him she did in fact regret it? She didn't regret it, not a single minute. Her heart still ached for him in the quiet moments of the night. When she was alone, when she got those moments to think, to herself, when she wasn't living on edge.

"I don't regret a single moment we had together Horatio, not a single moment. Not even that in the beginning you had to lie to me about who you were. I still think about us, I still think about you, about that apartment. I still think about the way you made me feel, about the hope you gave me. I wanted you. I wanted to run away with you. I loved you so much, that's why I left, it's why I married him. He threatened to- not even just kill you, the things he said to me- I couldn't, I couldn't take that chance. I knew, I knew if I let you go at least one of us could be happy, you could go back to your life, you could find someone to love you the way you deserve." Maria said tears in her eyes.

- @the-reddest-ledger

*he looked up from the book he was reading*

Hey Alexei

*he looked tword Alexeis hand, carefully taking the toy, smiling a bit. He examined it, and gave it a little squeeze.*

Continued from here X - @ltcainemdpd

She was in love with him, wasn't she? She knew it and she knew she needed to guard her heart, she knew this couldn't last. Not really, she was promised to someone else. She'd always thought of the tradition as quaint, as romantic. After all she doubted anyone else would want her. If her family didn't scare someone off, her love of books, her intelligence probably would.

Being promised to someone, someone she'd only met a few times had always brought her some sort of comfort.

No any more though.

Love wasn't supposed to be like that. Love was supposed to be like this, it was supposed to be this with John. It was supposed to be that feeling in her chest every time she saw him. It was supposed to be the feeling whenever she got news and she wanted to share it with him first.

She watched for him returning. She'd never felt so unashamed about nakedness, never felt so unashamed about seeing a naked man. She barely blushed anymore when he walked around like that.

"No." Maria grinned at him as she wrapped her arms around him. "I'm all yours, if you want me." She pressed her lips back against him and here like this with him it was easy to forget about everything outside. It was easy to forget about her family. It was easy to forget about the life she was destined for and it was easy to imagine the life she wanted. It was easy to see romance, to see libraries, to see dinners in the park. She pulled him down and rolled them until she was on top of him, hands braced on his chest. Legs settled either side of his hips, she leaned in kissing his chest.

"Is the only reason you agreed to stay and 'watch' me because you knew you'd end up here, in my bed?" She asked with a raised brow.

Oh wow, this is amazing! Thank you!

Side note: the fact that I’m actually surprised to hear a male liked my story is less about my outdated and unreasonable gender-bias and more about wishing my husband would read it. :-/